


Disease of the Age

by SunshineA



Series: Placebo [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU, Angst in general, FrostIron - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of drugs and suicide attempts, Tony Angst, doctor!Loki, patient!Tony
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-13
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2017-11-18 14:12:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 111,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineA/pseuds/SunshineA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“They wanted him to get better. They wanted to have the old Tony back.</i><br/><i>It’s just… Was it possible for the old Tony to be back?”</i><br/>In which after Afghanistan there’s lots of alcohol, drugs, pain and overdose instead of Iron Man and Loki is Tony’s therapist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Epilogue. Stranger In A Strange Land

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is written in Loki's POV. it is supposed to be like that, that was my plan from the very beginning, and I hope you'll get the hang of it ;)  
> it was inspired and titled after 30STM song. the playlist for this story will be posted [here](http://mysky-mylimit.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist) . yes, I am that kind of person.
> 
> this was beta'd by [Millie](http://milliethefreak.tumblr.com/) . thank you, hun! ♥
> 
> enjoy ;3

From all the realms he’d visited, from all the worlds he’d seen, from all the lands he had stayed he never knew Earth would be the one, which he would become so fascinated with.

He couldn’t understand why the planet was still letting people live on it, when they were making so many evil things. They were literally hurting it like it was theirs. Why they just claimed it as theirs, he had no idea, but wanting to know understand this made him stay here.

He lived in harmony with the planet, away from all the people at the very beginning. To interact with them he first needed to know, how were these creations behaving, what were they feeling, how were they even _living_?

It took him few years to walk out of his hiding place and just _go_.

He turned himself into a little child, a family adopted him, and with them it was different than with Odin and Frigga. All-father and his wife raised him with love, he knew that, but growing up in a shadow of his older brother wasn’t his most precious memory. The Midgardian couple who took care of him were treating him like he was their most valuable possession. He could feel the love they felt for him in every word they said to him and about him. They were so proud of him when every year he was the best student in his school. His mother hugged him every time he came home with bruises and wounds inflicted by his fellow classmates. She kissed every single one of the stains on his body and telling him that he will show them one day how precious he is.

Thanks to her and her love for him he wasn’t feeling like a stranger on this planet. He finally felt he found a place for himself. He didn’t mind he had to lie in some way, he was more than familiar with the act. He was the God of Mischief after all; mischief was mostly connected with smaller or bigger lies. But this one lie, one small transformation of his body turned out to be what he needed all his life to finally feel accepted and… at home.

Years went by, he was growing physically older just like other kids “his age” and slowly he was convinced his Midgardian mother was right: he will show them all how precious he really is.

High school showed him how cruel people can be without being grown up yet. He was bullied every day just because he was different than the rest of them. He was in every possible club in his school, not counting the ones that involved sports and strength. It was not like he couldn’t beat them all. He knew he could, he was a _god_ after all, but it reminded him of his older brother and he didn’t want to remember his Asgardian family.

The day he left his parents to go to college was one of the worst days of his long life. Tears, pride and sadness mixed in his mother’s and father’s eyes made his heart ache. He was trying his best not to cry that day, but when he finally arrived to his dorm at the Stanford campus he drenched his pillow with tears.

He graduated high school as the best student and so he repeated that at the end of his psychology studies at Stanford. The difference was that when he retrieved his doctoral degree every single person present applauded him.

He showed everyone.

During his whole life on earth, all twenty six years of it, he hadn’t thought about people like objects of his research. He’d totally forgotten about his main purpose and remembered that shortly after the end of his education. Then he decided he needs his time to think over everything and so he went into hiding again. No one knew where he was, even his parents. Of course, he kept sending them letters telling them he was okay, but when after some time of envelopes coming back he had to know what had happened.

He came back to the city he grew up in just to find out his parents were killed during a house robbery. He went to see their graves and stayed there for hours. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and cut into little pieces. He couldn’t believe that when finally he had found a loving family they had to die. Tears weren’t making him feel better. He wanted revenge, wanted to kill the ones who killed the people he loved.

When he saw them in prison he felt it was not enough. He needed to see them suffer like he did. But when he saw one of the men lying on the floor in front of him, yelling from the pain he was causing him, it hit him how much of a human he had become.

This time he didn’t walk out of hiding for two long years.

He lived in a cave in the Appalachian Mountains close to the Canadian border. He wasn’t sleeping or eating, he didn’t need to do that. He was just thinking. About his life, how he had changed and what he learned. Not just in school, but from his mother, father, neighbors and friends. He couldn’t believe how fast he had turned into one of them, how easy it was for him to blend in. He wasn’t a god of chaos anymore. He didn’t feel the need to bring mischief to his daily routine again. He wasn’t the same person he was twenty six years ago and he was sure his step-brother wouldn’t recognize him if they met now.

Humanity was still fascinating to him. After his life this fascination was even stronger and he knew he still had a lot to learn. His doctoral degree was going to help him with that.

So he came back, changed his name to his true one, because he was tired of hiding under his parents’ name, and started looking for a job. He became a therapist of elderly people, helped lots of them to go away in peace with their families. The longest he stayed with them the more he thought it was good his parents didn’t get to live old age. He saw people struggle with the simplest things and he wasn’t sure if he could see his parents like that.

After some time he decided it’s time to change the scenery a little bit so he opened his own cabinet and started to just listen to people that needed help of the “specialist”. A variety of people who came to him kept him from switching the job for four years straight. He never had a day off- patients were coming to him even on Christmas if they needed to, and he didn’t mind. He loved his job and thanks to that his research was getting bigger and bigger.

By the time he left all of his clients, he had so much information a normal person’s head would undoubtedly exploded a long time ago. What was worrying was that he wanted to know more. He still felt he didn’t know enough about the human race and their feelings.

He needed something new in his life again and after some time he was offered a job in a rehab facility near Los Angeles. The best clinic in the country, only the best doctors and the salary was a big pro of the job. He accepted the offer and was running group meetings with addicted celebrities and people rich enough to pay for the treatment.

That was when he heard about the billionaire kidnapped in Afghanistan, who after his comeback almost died from a drug overdose. He couldn’t wait to meet the man, because he was sure he would be a very curious patient.

He couldn’t be more right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter no1 will be posted in seven days, I have three chapters written already and I hope I'll write the rest quick, so you won't have to wait longer than seven days for the update ;]  
> and the chapters are beta'd by [Isa](http://isahbellah.tumblr.com/) ♥
> 
> Let me know, what you think here or [here](http://mysky-mylimit.tumblr.com/ask)!!


	2. I. In My Remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the first chapter! This one's Tony's POV and it will stay that way for most of the time.  
> Thank you so SO much for all the kudos ♥ I still would love to READ what you think, tho
> 
> This was beta'd by [Isa](http://isahbellah.tumblr.com/) ♥
> 
> Enjoy!

It was happening again. He could feel pieces of the shrapnel moving in his chest, getting closer and closer to his heart.

And then the pain.

It was unimaginable. He heard someone screaming so loud it could break the windows from miles away. Like they were ripping the guy apart and he was still conscious during the act.

After a second, he understood it was _him_ who was screaming. But he couldn’t stop. The pain in his chest wouldn’t stop. He felt every cut of a scalpel, every bone being broken by steady hands, every piece of metal being placed in his chest just above his heart. He couldn’t think about anything else and after some time, he blacked out due to the pain.

When he woke up he felt this thing in his chest.

He couldn’t understand what, in hell, was going on. Then he heard a voice. It was a man, who put the device in him to keep him alive. Only he didn’t know if he wanted to be alive.

Tony looked at Yinsen and then at his chest covered in dirty bandages. He ripped them off and what he saw made him stop breathing.

This thing. He had a fucking _magnet_ in his chest. How—

Why?!

Tony opened his eyes and sat abruptly on his bed.

Again. Fucking again.

Why couldn’t he have one night of peaceful sleep? Just one night, that’s all he asked for. Was it too much? He fell on the cushions again and closed his eyes, breathing heavily.

He escaped from that hell a month ago, but the memory of the operation was still haunting him.

Every night he had nightmares, like he had come back. It felt like a punishment, living through this whole thing over and over again.

But he understood his mistake. His father’s mistake. He closed Stark Industries. Tony wouldn't make weapons anymore. What else was he supposed to do to make the pain go away?

He knew he couldn’t get rid of his past just like that. But he had no idea what else he should do. Closing the fabrics was all he could think of, stop the production so no more weapons could get in hands of the evil ones. What was done, was done and that’s all he could do. At least that’s what he thought.

He finally gave up on trying to fall asleep again. He sat on the bed and slid his legs on the cold and fluffy carpet. Stood up, rubbing his eyes and walked to the bathroom.

After taking a shower, still in his pajamas, he went downstairs to the bar. It was his routine now.

Sleep. Nightmare. Trying to sleep again. Shower. Drink. Lots and lots of alcohol to make himself stop thinking. Only then he could have some sleep without any nightmares and uneasy thoughts. Being drunk was what he needed to survive.

He looked at the clock above the bar. It was 2:00am, which meant he slept for two hours. It was good, he thought. Two hours instead of usual one was all he could get lately. He looked at the bottles in front of him and decided to go with Jack Daniels today. Tony took the whole bottle, not bothering to grab a glass, and went to the living room.

He sat on the black leather couch in the middle of the room, placing his bare feet on top the coffee table in front of him, looking around in search for the remote. He found it, next to the TV.

“Ugh, JARVIS?” Tony called.

“Yes, sir?”

“Could you turn the TV on for me?”

“Of course, sir.”

The TV screen lit up, showing some nasty porn channel. “No, switch the channel,” Tony sighed as he took a big sip from the bottle. The alcohol burned his throat, coming all the way down to his stomach, but he got used to that feeling.

He enjoyed it by that point.

It felt more normal than the arc reactor he had in his chest. He looked down at the thing he built himself - so he wouldn’t have to walk around with a battery under his arm - and pulled a face. Its blue glow made him sick. He wanted to rip this damn thing out.

But he also wanted to _live_. So he didn’t have a choice.

JARVIS switched the channel to some cooking show and Tony sat on the couch for two hours watching “Master Chef” and drinking Jack Daniels until he finally fell asleep with his arm - still holding the bottle - hanging off the couch.

There was no bad dream this time.

* * *

Bright light hit his eyes and he started blinking to get used to it. Tony sat on the couch and heard a silent “oomph” as the bottle hit the carpet.

Looking up behind the mist that covered his eyes, he saw a female figure with red hair. “Damn…” he said under his nose.

“Tony, for God’s sake,” he heard Pepper’s helpless voice. “Haven’t we talked about this? You need to stop drinking!”

He pulled a face, holding his head. The pain was awful. “Be quiet, would you? My head’s wanting to explode.”

“Well, it’s your fault. You didn’t have to drink so much—when did you fall asleep?” she looked at him.

“Um… JARVIS?”

“3:57am, sir,” said the AI.

“Peachy,” Pepper looked at Tony with a mix of disapproval and worry in her big blue eyes. “Tony, the fact that you closed weapon manufactures doesn’t mean you don’t have a company to manage,” she took the bottle, walked to the bar and threw it to the trash. “I really need you to be in shape today. There are many things you need to do.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said and lied down on the couch again, staring at the white ceiling. “Just move all the meetings to tomorrow and I promise I’ll be alright for them.”

“No way,” she said immediately. Her head appeared right above his. “I already rescheduled them from last week, I’m not going to do that again. Get up. Now.”

“God, Pep,” he said sounding like a little child.

“Don’t ‘God’ me, Tony. Get up, I mean it. Or I’ll call Rhodey,” she threatened.

He looked at her with big eyes. “You won’t.”

“Wanna find out?” She took her BlackBerry out of her jacket pocket and started running her fingers on the keyboard.

“Okay, okay!” Tony stood up and tried to keep his balance. “I’m up, look! No need to call him.”

“Good,” she said with a worried look. Pepper hid her phone and sat on the couch placing the folder she had under her arm on the coffee table. “Clean yourself up, and we’re off. Happy’s waiting for us.”

Tony looked at her for a while thinking if he should say something, but gave up and went up to his bedroom.

* * *

What was awaiting Tony this day was not what he would choose even if he was sober and in perfect shape.

Meeting after meeting, coffee after coffee and Pepper wasn’t really helping him with her constant comments on how Tony is not involved in any conversation.

Truth was: he wasn’t really listening to anyone. On every meeting he had today, he was just sitting, trying not to fall asleep and letting Pepper do all the talking. Once or twice he tried to actually care and listen but horribly failed every time.

Since he closed the weapon manufactures, all of the meetings were about selling the company to people who would open them again. He couldn’t let that happen. They would use his logo, his name, and he didn’t want to have weapons with his name killing people around the world.

After his last meeting, he sat in the back seat of his car followed by Pepper. He sighed heavily and loosened his tie. There was a light jolt and they were on their way to his house.

“I’m surprised,” he heard Pepper’s voice after a few minutes.

Tony turned to look at her and frowned. “Why? What did I do?”

She looked at him from over the papers she was looking at and shot him a skeptic look. “That’s the point, you haven’t done a single thing, haven’t said a word!”

“Well, you’re better at talking than me, right?” he chuckled.

“That’s not funny, Tony. We just left Hammer, who wanted to buy part of your shares and you haven’t told him to back off,” Pepper gave him a worried look.

“What? That was Hammer?!” he asked. “That little fuck wanted to buy my company?!”

“Exactly!” she exclaimed, “What’s wrong with you, Tony?”

“I’m tired,” he sighed again, looking through the window. “You saw me this mor—“

“That’s not what I mean,” she interrupted him. “What happened there that you can’t get over it? I know it’s only a month, but Tony, you've been in worse situations, and you were okay after a week!” Pepper explained worriedly, “You’re scaring me.”

He looked at her again and... she wasn’t kidding. She was scared.

He could tell she has never been _so_ concerned and afraid for him. He’d done many things in his life, but she never gave him a look like that. Not even when they met on the airport when he got back from Afghanistan.

He sat there silently and didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to talk about how he felt, he was never good with feelings. “It’s nothing,” he said finally. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Tony—“

“Pep, don’t, please,” he said quickly. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

This time, _she_ sighed. “You’ll have to eventually.”

He rolled his eyes but didn’t reply. The rest of the way back to his mansion was silent, no one said a word. Tony was looking at the buildings as they passed by and tried not to think too much about anything. Now was not the time to start feeling self-pity.

When he finally got home, he headed straight to the bar.

After taking a bottle of some pretty expensive champagne, he repeated his actions from the previous night. JARVIS turned the TV on some music channel this time as Tony watched videos with half naked women dancing around rappers.

Every song had “shake that ass” in the lyrics and he felt the need to throw the bottle he was holding on his lap on the screen. Instead, he took a few sips from it and after a while decided to go to a party. He wanted to have some “shaking asses” around him, too.

Two hours later he left the cab, checked his pockets if he had his cell and wallet in place and headed to the best club in Malibu. The security guy, who was letting people in, immediately removed the red rope that blocked the way to the club and smiled at Tony, when he was passing by. Of course, Tony left a hundred dollar bill in his hand, since the guy was so nice to him. He heard people call his name after that, but didn’t give a shit. He was inside now, he wanted to have some fun.

Walking through the pitch black hallway, he could hear the loud music. The best part about this place was that it had sound-proof walls, and no one outside could hear what was going on inside. And sometimes, there were nasty things going on.

He headed to the sparkling black curtain at the end. Music was getting louder and louder and his head was buzzing from the champagne he drank in his house. He removed the curtain and stepped right into the dancing crowd. The dance floor was full of girls in mini-skirts wearing high heels. When the first ones saw him, they immediately started dancing more seductively, which Tony welcomed with a pleased grin. Few really skinny and really attractive girls have caught his eye, but first things first. He needed a drink.

He went to the bar and ordered a glass of scotch with no ice. After a few seconds the bartender handed it to him, Tony taking out a dollar bill out of his wallet and throwing it to the man. He rested his back against the counter and started watching the dance floor.

Apart from the girls, it was full of under-aged boys - who could barely be 16 -  and middle-aged guys, who looked like they were in heaven when a gal made contact with them.

Tony was trying to look for the girls he saw at the entrance, but couldn’t find them; they must've already been taken.

It felt good to be here. Normal even, for Tony. It was like before Afghanistan. He used to be at the club, looking for an attractive girl that could make his night more than pleasing. It was what Tony was familiar with, and this - being in this club, looking at the girls and drinking slowly a glass of scotch -  was what made him feel okay. He wasn’t thinking about what happened to him, wasn’t thinking about the damn thing in his chest that pretty much ruined his life. He was sentenced to wearing dark and thick clothes for the rest of his life to hide the blue glow from the place where his heart is.

He was never bothered by that kind of problem in the past. His past was about getting more money for alcohol and partying, so he could find a nice babe to get laid. Obie was the one who knew how to rule the company, Tony was just occasionally helping him by inventing new weapons that would bring them more money. Tony Stark was never bothered by a fucking blue light coming out of his chest.

Since coming back, he wished he had went with Rhodey. He would give all—well, not all, but definitely most of his money to turn back time and get in that fucking vehicle with his best friend. That was his only wish and he knew it was never going to happen. That thought gave him a bittersweet  taste, not only in his mouth.

During the time he was lost in his thoughts, someone stood next to him. By the sweet smell of perfume he could tell it was a woman. He looked left, where he felt her presence and placed flirtatious grin on his lips.

‘Hi there,” he said scanning her carefully. She was wearing a red mini skirt with no shoulders, so tight that it looked like her second skin. Her big breasts were barely staying under the material, as if asking Tony to bury his face on them. Her long blond hair was curled and fell lazily on her arms. She wore black high heels - and even with those on, she was shorter than Tony. He looked at her face and found out she wasn’t wearing tons of make-up (like the rest of the girls). Her big blue eyes were surrounded by black eyeliner, her lips matching her dress with its bloody red lipstick.

 _Pure perfection_ , Tony thought not really thinking straight after seeing her breasts.

“Hi,” she said, smiling back at Tony. “You’re alone here, Mr. Stark?”

“Ah,” he said running his hand through his hair. “My reputation was faster than me,” he chuckled looking her straight in the eyes and doing his best not to look down. “Yes, I’m alone here--”

“Maria,” she said happily.

“Maria,” Tony repeated and immediately thought about his mother. After a second he removed her face from his mind, because, well, that was not the time and place to remember his mother. “Nice to meet you. And are you alone here too, Maria?”

She nodded still smiling. “Yes. My friend just ditched me and I don’t know what to do now,” she laughed squeakily.

Tony could tell it was a lie just by one look in her blue eyes, but, really, he wasn’t going to complain. He just found himself a company for the rest of the night.

“Well, that’s naughty,” he said. He turned around to look at the bartender. “We’re gonna need another glass of scotch and—“ he looked at the woman next to him. “What do you want, honey?”

“Martini,” she said looking Tony in the eyes.

“Martini,” he smiled and after a minute handed her the glass with the drink. With that he already knew he had her and she had no chance to escape. Not that she wanted to.

* * *

Tony took in a deep breath. He looked at his right to see Maria sleeping calmly under the white sheets. He smiled, slidding to the floor silently. He found his boxers not far from the bed, walking there and puttting them on. He shot a glance at the woman on his bed and walked out of the room closing the door without any sound.

It was a good night. Maria was really good in bed, he had to admit it. The way she was riding him… so sexy. And distracting, for sure. The worst thing for Tony was the fact he had to keep his shirt on – she couldn’t see the _arc reactor_. No one should know about it, especially not the girls he had one night stands with. Only Rhodey, Pepper and Obadiah knew about it, for obvious reasons. They were his friends, and Obie was like a  father to him, he couldn’t hide something like that from them.

He thought about his face in-between Maria’s breast and laughed out loud. He could laugh, since he was on the stairs leading to his workshop. He always went down there after sex. And repairing a car or working on some new projects was what he did until his dates were gone.

But this time he went there to sit in silence, maybe watch some movie and just avoid Maria after she wakes up. He’ll let Pepper take care of everything, she was great at this.

Tony placed his hand on the door lock to let it scan his fingerprints. Then the glass door opened in front of him as he entered the workshop. It was messy and dirty, as it should be. Various parts of engines were lying around on the floor and the counters. He still had boxes with parts needed to make new weapons, but walked through them without a glance. He needs to get rid of them-- maybe he’ll ask Pepper to take care of that, too.

In the middle of the workshop stood an old car Tony was repairing before Afghanistan. He hadn't finished it yet, but he also didn’t work on it after his return. He just wasn’t thinking about going back to his old routine, he had a new one. And while thinking about it right now, he liked this new routine better.

He sat down behind the wheel of the car and looked blankly at the wall in front of him for a long time. He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, he was just staring at the wall without even seeing it and trying to turn off all of his senses.

“JARVIS?” he called suddenly, blinking a few times like he was trying to wake himself up.

“Yes, sir?” the AI replied.

“Play me some family recordings.” Because he needed just that right now.

He was watching his family recordings more often now. Last time he done that was after Howard’s death and it was just to remind himself how little his father was at home. Sadly, no matter how much his father was an asshole to him, he still loved him as much as his mother. Even if he didn’t want to admit that to himself.

A big screen slid up from the ceiling right in front of the car and first thing Tony saw was himself at the age of three. His mother was sitting right next to him and helped him build a tower out of metal blocks. Howard was nowhere to be seen, which was obviously normal since he always preferred his job over his family.

After a minute or two Tony reached for the car storage. He took out a small bag with white powder. He glanced at the screen to watch his mother smiling widely as he spilled some of the powder at his forearm and formed a straight line. He sniffed it at one take and looked at the screen again, wiping away the leftovers from under his nose. He grabbed the bottle of scotch from the passenger’s sit and took a big sip.

Suddenly someone’s legs from knees to feet appeared on the screen.

“Daddy!” he heard his younger self. Tony looked closely to the screen and saw pure happiness on the baby’s face. “Come play with me!”

The legs disappeared from the screen and then Howard’s voice said “Not now, Anthony, I don’t have time to play.”

Baby Tony looked like he was about to cry. Then there was a sound of closing the door and the baby started crying loudly and climbing onto his mother’s lap, hiding his face into her shirt.

Real Tony smiled bitterly and sniffed another line of the powder - this time not bothering to clean his nose -  followed by another big sip of scotch. He hasn’t stopped watching the videos of him and his mother having fun, his important school events or other important goings in his life. Howard wasn’t  present in any of those events. Not even on Tony’s graduation from high school and then from college with him receiving his doctoral degree.

Stark Senior always reminded Tony how his knowledge is important in life, how he won’t survive in his adult life without it. Now that Tony was thinking about it for the thousandth time, he still couldn’t understand his father’s behavior. Yes, Howard wanted Tony to take over the company after him, he understood that knowledge was for Howard more important than anything – maybe even his own family – as he build Stark Industries based on it. But how couldn’t he even be there to support him?

He was the one to encourage him, make him study, but he never was present when Tony achieved something big. Instead of that, his father was always there when Tony screwed something up. And all Tony could remember about his father now was how he was always angry at him. He could no longer recall Howard’s smiling face.

While thinking, Tony kept sniffing amphetamine he had in his car storage. When the first bag was gone he took out another one. When scotch was gone he asked Dum-E to bring him another bottle. That’s how he spent most of the night. He didn’t even notice when he was lying in the front seat of the car covered in white powder, his body wet from the alcohol he was drinking. He was so stoned and drunk he passed out. His breathing turned shallow, almost imperceptible for JARVIS. When the alarm - that woke Maria a few floors up and pulled Pepper and Rhodey to his mansion – rang, Tony was barely breathing.

* * *

Tony was woken up by a bright light again. Is this how the world liked to wake him up? He surely would stand up if someone simply shook him or called his name loudly. It’s not like he was having proper sleep since the last month.

He started blinking quickly to let his eyes adjust to the light, finally managing to look around. He was shocked when he recognized a hospital room and not his own bedroom, living room or even workshop.

White walls were reflecting the white light from the light bulbs under the ceiling back to the middle of the white room, where the feet of Tony’s white bed were. He was tightly covered with sheets, and wearing a white hospital gown. His bedside table was also white, he could barely distinguish it from the walls. There was this thing on his finger that was monitoring his pulse. He started wandering what actually happened last night… and if it really was last night. How long was he unconscious?

Pepper walked into the room, followed by Rhodey. Tony jumped on the bed, because he haven’t seen doors while examining the room. White was fucking everywhere. When they saw he was awake they almost flung to him, Pepper on the right side of the bed, Rhodey on the left. He could see in their eyes how worried they were. Pepper’s eyes were red from all the crying she must have gone through. Suddenly he felt guilt creeping out from the pit of his stomach.

“Hi,” he croaked. That wasn’t a good sign.

“Oh, my God, Tony!” Pepper cried and grabbed him by his right hand. “We were so worried about you! I thought you were dead!”

Tears started escaping her big eyes and falling on the white sheets leaving wet stains. Tony blinked a few times, thinking of what he should say now, but… his head was empty. He was sure they already knew what happened. The last thing he could remember was a bag of amphetamine and an almost empty bottle of scotch on his lap. And his childhood on the screen in front of him.

There was no way he would escape the consequences of that.

“I— I’m fine now, Pep. No worries,” he said trying to sound comforting, but after her reaction he concluded it hadn’t really worked.

She started crying aloud, still holding his hand, barely standing on her legs. Rhodey quickly grabbed the chair from the opposite part of the room and helped Pepper to sit down. She couldn’t stop crying although both of them saw how much she tried to.

Guilt was now filling every cell of Tony’s body and he felt like a piece of some really mean shit. He squeezed her hand and tried to sit on the bed but Rhodey’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. Tony looked at his friend and saw him shaking his head.

It took Pepper a few long minutes to control herself. She finally wiped out the tears from her face and looked at him with a small smile on her lips.

“I’m so happy you’re okay, you have no idea,” she told him.

“We all are,” Rhodey finally spoke with sadness in his eyes.

“I’m, um—I just—“ Tony started, but he really had no idea what he should say to them. That he wanted to be dead, just a little bit? That he did that unconsciously? That he just wanted all of this to be over? He couldn’t tell them that, not now, not ever. They were worried about him even before he started doing drugs. He couldn’t make them more worried, which he knew would happen if he told them. “I’m sorry,” he said finally.

“It’s okay,” Pepper said almost immediately.

“No, it’s not,” Rhodey looked at her, surprised. “Pepper, how can you say that? We have a junky here, who almost died from overdose. Hell, it’s bad, not fucking okay.”

“I’m here, you know,” Tony said quietly, not being able to stop himself from telling that. He didn’t like when people were talking about him like he wasn’t in the room.

Rhodey looked at him with anger. “Yes, I know you’re here, Tony, but I’m not sure if your mind is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, startled.

“It means I don’t think your mind left Afghanistan,” Rhodey said simply. “I know you’re having nightmares, JARVIS told me you’re sleeping one hour per night because of that. He also told me you’re drinking more than usual. And you started using drugs. Tony, this isn’t you. You need to tell us what’s wrong with—”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, for fuck’s sake!” he screamed taking his hand out of Pepper’s grip. “I’m fine, okay?” he looked at Rhodey. “Maybe I exaggerated this time, but it will never happen again.”

“Stop fucking around,” Rhodey replied. “We can see you’re not the same, tell us what’s wrong.”

“No. And stop pushing, I won’t tell you, it’s my problem,” he said looking everywhere but not at his friends. “When can I be out of here?” he asked. “I hate hospitals.”

There was a heavy sigh and move on his right. He glanced there to see Pepper standing up and straightening her skirt. “I can take care of that,” she said weakly.

“Thanks,” he said and Pepper was out of the room.

She’d sent Rhodey a quick look before closing the door, which Tony could not read. What were they planning?

* * *

Tony was back in his mansion the same day, in the evening. Pepper knew how to take care of things, and he had a nurse coming to check on him every day. What he didn’t know was that Pepper was getting reports from her every time she left the house.

He lied in his bed for three more days, but finally grew tired of his bedroom and he went to his workshop to do some stuff. He finally got back to repairing his old-school car. For a whole hour he was into it he wasn’t thinking about anything else but the engine and ways of improving it.

Once he got up and looked at the front seat, these thoughts vanished. He saw the rest of amphetamine he had that night.

All the memories came back, he saw his father again saying he didn’t had the time to play with him. He felt the pain in his chest, shadow of the operation Yinsen did on him and he just broke. He fell on the floor curling into a ball, surrounding his curled up legs with his arms. He just lied on the cold floor with his eyes closed. He tried not to think about all that happened to him, he wanted to push the memories out of his head, but nothing was working.

Tony finally got to his feet, stumbling. He didn’t even look at the tools scattered all over the floor. He went out of the workshop, his head full of the memories he hated and went up, straight to the living room, and then to the bar. He took two bottles of alcohol without even looking what kind it was and sat down on the couch. He didn’t ask JARVIS to turn on the TV, and the AI didn’t ask, just like it wasn’t there. Tony opened the first bottle, the second one on his free side and started drinking, sip after sip, without any break to take a breath.

* * *

Pepper was sitting in the office of Stark Industries building taking care of all the things about Tony’s “sickness”. No one knew what actually happened, they were convinced Tony had an accident in the workshop and now needed to take some time off to go back in shape.

It was hard to keep whole case in secret, especially when Tony was so well known. But there was a reason she was his personal assistant for all these years. She was just the best.

She jumped in her seat when she heard her phone ringing, taking the BlackBerry out of her purse and looking at the screen. It showed Tony’s mansion number. She frowned and answered the phone. “Yes?”

“Miss Potts,” she heard JARVIS’s familiar voice.”Mr Stark needs your help.”

She immediately rose up from her seat, taking her purse and leaving the office with all the papers behind. She hurried down the hall and pushed elevator button. “What happened?”

“Mr Stark drank big amount of alcohol again.”

“Oh, no…” she stepped into the elevator when it arrived and pushed the basement button. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Let me know if something else happens.”

“Yes, Miss.”

The line died, and Pepper picked a number from her phone book.

It was time. She knew they had to do this.

For Tony.

* * *

She found him on the couch in the living room. He barely knew she was there when she dragged him to his bedroom. He groaned when she lied him down on the mattress and covered him with sheets. Then Pepper went to the bathroom and came back after a minute with a basin and placed it on the floor next to the bed. She gave Tony one last look and walked out of the room.

“Miss Potts, colonel Rhodes is waiting outside,” JARVIS said, when she entered the living room.

“Good. Let him in,” she answered and sat on the couch, waiting.

The two bottles of vodka Tony had drank were lying on the floor, but she was tired of cleaning up his mess, so she left them where they were. She was tired of all the worry, constantly thinking if Tony is alright and if he hasn’t done anything stupid or life-threatening… She knew what she and Rhodey were about to do was mostly for Tony, but she couldn’t help but not wait for the time, when she’ll have it all off of her head.

Rhodey’s heavy footsteps shook her out of the reflection, and she looked up at him. His expression was all worry and sadness. She could tell he was tired of all of this as much as she was.

“So,” he said sitting down next to her.

“We need to finally do something,” she said.

Rhodey looked at her. “You mean…?”

She nodded. ”It’s the only way. He doesn’t want to be alright, you know that. And I don’t want to see him suffer. We need to know, what made him like this.”

“Okay,” he said after a minute of silence, dropping his gaze to his lap. “So what do we need to do?”

Pepper thought about it for a long moment. She already knew what they needed to do. She checked every source she found and was sure they’d succeed. But what was worrying her was Tony’s reaction.

He wasn’t going to be pleased about it, especially when they were doing this behind his back. All that she knew was that he hasn’t left them other choice than this. He would understand eventually. And she hoped he’d forgive them sooner or later.

“We need to prove he’s not capable of taking care of himself anymore.”

“But that means we’ll have to tell about the whole overdose thing,” Rhodey looked at her, startled. “I thought we didn’t want anyone to know about this.”

Pepper pulled a face. “I don’t think we have other choice here.”

“You know Tony will fight,” Rhodey said looking at her. “He’ll do everything to win.”

“And you know he won’t win,” Pepper replied. “We don’t even have to lie to succeed. He’s done so many things wrong even before Afghanistan that we are on a good position. We’ll win this.”

They both looked at each other for a long time. Pepper knew Rhodey was already in, but she needed him to say that out loud. Finally he sighed heavily and buried his face in his hands.

“Okay, let’s do this,” he said. “I just hope Tony will forgive us.”

She felt her stomach clench. “I hope so, too.” she replied, taking the phone out of her purse.


	3. II. Institutionalized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki steps in.
> 
> This was beta'd by [Sarah](http://lovelystrumpet.tumblr.com/) ♥
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments! Keep 'em coming! ♥
> 
> Song for this chapter can be found [here](http://mysky-mylimit.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist).

How did Tony react when he found out? And how _did_ he find out?

His lawyer called.

Tony was in his workshop trying to focus on the repair again, but judging by the bottle of vodka and small bag of amphetamines on the bonnet it wasn’t working out. He was about to take a sip of the alcohol when JARVIS interrupted him.

“Sir, Mr. Alvarez is on the line. Says it’s important.”

Tony looked up from the engine, frowning. “Felix? Okay, give him to me.”

He was still holding the bottle in his hand when the cold voice of his lawyer filled the room. “Tony, we have a problem.”

“What?” Tony froze. “What’s happened? What did I do this time?”

“Potts and Rhodes are in court right now. They filed a lawsuit which would result in you being deemed incapable of making your own decisions.”

The bottle of vodka slipped from Tony’s hand and crashed on the floor. “They did WHAT?”

“You heard me. They’ll win, Tony,” Alvarez said sighing heavily. “They have strong evidence against you. I don’t think we’ll win this one.”

Tony sat down on the broken glass in the midst of the pool of alcohol. What the hell was happening? What were they doing? This wasn’t happening. This was another stupid dream. He was going to wake up on his couch wet from the alcohol he had spilled on himself. Pepper and Rhodey would never do something like that to him. Never. They were his friends. And even if they were going to do this they would talk to him first. Right?

Then Tony recalled the look Pepper gave Rhodey when he woke up in the hospital over a week ago. He couldn’t tell what it was about just then, but now…Had they been planning this all along? Suddenly he felt anger creeping over his body. They had been plotting behind his back. They were planning to make him look like a freak.

And they would succeed. Anger was replaced by fear when he thought about everything he had done during the last one and a half months. The overdose itself would be enough to tip the case in their favour, and they had a lot more to work with. He was doomed and the trial hasn’t even started yet.

Fuck.

 “Tony, are you there?” Felix’s voice brought him back to life. He was still sitting on the wet floor surrounded by tools and pieces of glass.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he said slowly, mentally listing things he’d done since he got home that could have pushed Pepper and Rhodey to take such drastic action.

“If you could be at my office tomorrow to talk about possible lines of defense,” Alvarez said quickly, “that would be good. I have to go, Tony. Email me what hour you’re gonna meet me. Bye.”

The line went dead and the silence that filled the workshop was so heavy Tony wondered dryly why his stuff hadn’t been crushed yet.

He stood up, stumbling, and anger filled him again. He wanted to hit something so hard. Instead of that he grabbed Dum-E and threw him across the room. The robot fell on the floor and didn’t make a single move until Tony turned his back on it. He quickly crossed over to the boxes filled with weapon parts and started to throw them in every direction, kicking them and smashing them open… When he finally left the workshop, still angry, the room appeared as if it had fallen prey to a hurricane, every available surface was covered in tools and weapon parts and broken bits of metal. Even Tony’s old school car was scratched in places.

He knew, or more accurately he felt, what he needed to do next. He went up to his bedroom and stripped off his stained clothes. He went to the bathroom, took a quick shower and then went to his wardrobe. He picked a pair of black jeans, an AC/DC shirt and some sneakers. He then returned to the workshop, not even looking at Dum-E when the robot flinched at the sound of Tony’s steps. He ignored the mess he’d made, walked straight to his silver Audi R8, sat behind the wheel and rode out of the mansion.

This was just impossible. His friends were trying to take away his rights… He could understand that they were worried about him, but this? Yes, his life was a bit of a car crash at the moment, but why would they do all of this _now?_ He was reckless before and they coped with it then. There was just no sense in it.

Pepper and Rhodey might have put with a lot, but he always thought they were honest with him, that they understood him. There was a reason they were his best friends. They knew everything about him. They knew every little detail of his life, especially Pepper. And now they were using that knowledge, using the things he’d told them in confidence, against him. They were stabbing him in the back. This lawsuit was the dagger. He would’ve never imagined they were traitors.

 _Looks like I was wrong_ , he thought.

It was already dark outside, which surprised him. He had no idea he’d spent so much time in the workshop. He drove to the club he visited before he landed in hospital, and before getting out of the car he sniffed two lines of amphetamine. When he’d checked in the mirror that there was none of the conspicuous white powder under his nose he burst out of the vehicle, bypassed the security guy whilst simultaneously ‘rewarding’ him with a hundred dollar bill, and entered the club.

* * *

Once inside, he loosened his tie a little bit. His hands were shaking. He looked at the big wooden door just few steps away from him, sat on a bar stool, and swallowed loudly.

He should have drunk a couple more glasses of whiskey back in the mansion. Those two lines of meth he sniffed in the car a few minutes ago weren’t helping in the slightest in bringing his stress levels down.

Everything was wrong, in so many ways, for Tony. He still couldn’t understand how they could do this to him. They could have just spoke to him, told him of their concerns… he would have thought it over and maybe even agreed with them. But then again, maybe he wouldn’t have. Tony was never one for agreeing with others. Even when the others were eventually right.

He heard the sound of stilettos on the marble floor and he turned his head to the right to see the source of the noise. Pepper, followed by Rhodey and their attorney, were walking down the hall, making a beeline for the bar. He swallowed hard once again; fixing his eyes on his private assistants face. She stared back, her face etched with guilt and worry. Tony glanced away, not even looking at his supposed best friend next to her. They carried on walking, and as they passed directly in front of him he could have sworn that Rhodey almost stopped in his tracks. But he was glad he didn’t. He didn’t want to talk to him. Or Pepper. In fact he was never talking to them again if they won. He was determined to keep his word with that.

The day after he was informed about Pepper and Rhodey’s actions, Pepper tried to talk to him. He was in his living room with a glass of scotch on the coffee table in front of him, watching some dumb reality show and trying to force his mind to go blank.

“Sir, Miss Potts wants to see you,” he heard JARVIS enquire.

“Pep? Where is she?” Tony looked around like he was expecting her to appear on the sofa next to him, which was impossible given the fact that Tony changed the passwords to every entrance in the mansion daily, and had explicitly ordered JARVIS to not let Pepper or Rhodey inside.

“She’s by the door, sir. Should I let her in?” the AI asked.

“No,” he replied immediately. “Put her on the screen.”

“Yes, sir.”

Seconds later there was no reality show on his TV. Instead, he saw Pepper, looking directly into the intercom impatiently.

“What do you want, Miss Potts?” Tony asked, injecting as much venom into the question as he could muster.

“Tony,” she replied, sounding wounded. “What are you doing? C’mon, just let me in.”

“No. What do you want?” he asked again.

She sighed heavily and rubbed her forehead, appearing to think. “I wanna talk to you, Tony. Please.”

“We can talk now just fine,” he said slowly.

“God, stop being such a child and let me in!” she snapped.

“Oh, so that’s why you and Rhodey are trying to make me look crazy in front of everyone?” he spat, glaring at the screen. He knew she couldn’t see him, but still… it felt good to vent.

“Tony, it’s for you own good! You don’t want to get help, and we won’t let you live like that any longer,” she shouted. “It’s the only way to get through to you, since you won’t listen to us when we try to help.”

Tony laughed shortly and kicked the foot of the coffee table. “That’s because I don’t need your help! Fuck your help! I’m fine!”

“No, you’re not! Let me in, Tony, pl—’’

“NO!” he interrupted her. “Go away, Pep. I don’t talk to traitors.”

“For Christ’s sake,” Pepper spat out. “Tony.”

“Bye, Miss Potts. JARVIS, turn it off.”

The screen went black and silence filled the room. Tony stood up from the couch, leaving the glass on the coffee table, and walked over to the bar to grab the whole bottle instead.

A week later, and Tony is in court, waiting for his trial with his former best friends sitting across him. Now they were his enemies. When a security guy opened the wooden door and told them they could all enter the room he didn’t even look at Pepper and Rhodey as he made way to let them go first.

The room they entered wasn’t big; it could perhaps fit 60 people in at best. At the end of the room was a big wooden counter, just like in every court. There was no judge behind it yet. Tony followed his lawyer to the left side of the room where a desk was standing right before the barriers that separated the audience from the rest of the room. Over by the right wall were two rows of wooden benches. That’s where the jury normally sat. Right before the barriers was the desk, where Pepper and Rhodey sat down. They were whispering and kept looking over at Tony.

That’s good. Let them talk. He turned away quickly, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of catching him staring at them.

Alvarez kept whispering about their ‘strategy’ whilst everyone took their seats. Tony paid no attention to him, instead choosing to stare blankly at nothing in particular. Whirring around his mind were thoughts on the eventual outcome; what will he do when he loses? He was convinced he was going to lose; sure it was all going to be a big fucking disaster. But he was still going to fight Pepper and Rhodey. He wasn’t about to let them do anything they’re planning to do willingly. There was no fucking way he was giving up without a fight. He might lose this battle, but he’d make sure there’d be another ones. And not necessarily ones in court.

He felt Alvarez’s elbow in his ribs and turned to him, frowning. Surprisingly, Alvarez was standing and gesturing to Tony to do the same. He looked around the room and saw the judge walking in, so he immediately shot to his feet, trying to look casual.

The judge was an old woman. She must’ve been at least sixty years old, judging by her grey hair and the wrinkles on her face. Still, she didn’t look like a harmless old lady. The glint in her bright brown eyes reminded Tony of his math teacher back in seventh grade. He was shitting his pants before every lesson with that woman, just like the rest of the class. She was fucking terrifying. She used to make all of them feel like a bunch of idiots, even if they knew what the lesson was about. Tony was sure she was still teaching, probably in the same school. She was as old as the dinosaurs when he’d been there and he was sure her life goal was to scare as many generations of kids as she could.

The judge sat down behind her counter, everyone else returned to their seat, and the hearing began. Tony was grateful there was no jury today, it would have been even worse if there had been strangers watching all of this. Pepper and Rhodey’s attorney gave his speech first. Of course he brought up all of the incidents from the previous month, making a huge deal of the overdose at the very beginning. He said nothing about what caused all this and Tony couldn’t help but want to hit the guy as soon as he got the chance. He was pointing at Tony almost the whole time, but didn’t bother to give him even a single cursory glance. He kept his eyes fixed on the judge, who was sitting with a calm expression listening to his every word.

When Alvarez stood up to take his turn, Tony flinched a little in his chair. He started to regret not listening to him earlier. He had no idea what Felix was going to say and that made him even more nervous. He felt Pepper and Rhodey’s gazes on him but he still didn’t want to look at them. He wasn’t sure why, but he suspected he’d see triumph and satisfaction there – emotions he himself would be showing in a similar situation. A smaller, more reasonable part of his mind was telling him that they would never look at him like that, and that they were in fact doing this just like Pepper told him a week ago – for his own good. But that part was drowned out quickly by the other part, the part that had taken control over him since the very beginning of this lawsuit. It was the paranoid part, and it was telling him they had waited for something like this to happen just so they could have him admitted to an asylum so all of his problems would be off their heads. Because Tony _was_ the source of all of their problems, wasn’t he?

The hearing was even harder than he’d originally thought. It was awful sitting there, fighting a fight he already knew he’d lost. Not even mentioning the fact he was fighting against his friends. He had never expected this to happen. If someone had told him this a month ago, he would have laughed in their faces. Now he didn’t even dare to look at the two faces he’d loved most of all. He felt he would break if he did.

Felix mostly talked about what Tony went through in Afghanistan, how hard it was for him to run away, how he was treated there, and that he was threatened with an almost certain death. When Alvarez started talking about the arc reactor Tony looked at him with surprise and anger. He had no idea the man would bring that up. The judge raised her eyebrows when Alvarez described the device in Tony’s chest and almost immediately looked over to Tony. He dropped his gaze onto his lap and didn’t rise it again until he felt Felix sitting down in the chair next to him.

After that came the time for the testimonies. Tony was first. He swallowed hard when the judge read his name, and walked to the counter next to her bench, his placed a lot lower than the one she was sitting behind. He sat down, gritted his teeth and unbuttoned his jacket, just to have something to do with his shaking hands. He saw Pepper and Rhodey’s attorney standing up and swallowed hard once again. He knew exactly what was coming and he would have given everything not to have to go through with this. But now there was no turning back.

“Mr. Stark,” the attorney stated, walking up to him. “Did you build the device in your chest yourself?”

Tony frowned at the question. He expected something different, but still, this was just foreplay. He was sure the guy had worse things in his sleeve. He was just trying to throw Tony off balance.

“Yes,” Tony answered slowly. “The device I built in the cave was not reliable enough. When I got home I created a better version of it.”

“I see,” the attorney said, stroking his chin. He was obviously mocking Tony by making that gesture and Tony gritted his teeth even harder as the attorney opened his mouth again.

“So, can you please explain to me, how does a device which you built yourself make you so depressed? Is it not as good as it was in your plans?”

Tony felt his anger rising at the insult.

“This,” he growled, pointing at the shadow of blue light on his chest, “is the newest and the best version anyone could have ever built. Your stupid smartphone or your brand new tablet is of no match to something like this.”

He heard Alvarez swearing under his breath. This was going wrong; Tony didn’t have to look at him to be aware of that. It was clearly this guy’s plan to piss him off. Tony needed to calm down or else his situation would be even worse. He closed his eyes, pinched the base of his nose for a second and finally opened his eyes, looking straight at the face in front of him. He sent him a playful smile, and to his surprise, the man matched it with the same expression.

 _This is going to be long testimony. And fun_ , Tony thought.

“You still didn’t answer my question, Mr. Stark. How does the device you built for yourself make you so depressed?”

“I’m not depressed.” Tony’s reply was fast. Too fast.

“My clients’ opinion is slightly different,” the man stated, and turned around, walking back towards his own desk. Tony risked a glance at his former friends; they were both staring into their laps and not even sneaking a look at him. The attorney grabbed a folder from his desk and stepped back to his place in front of Tony’s counter. He opened the folder and started reading. “Miss Potts tells me you’re drinking large amounts of alcohol, – ’’

“A glass of scotch at the end of the day is not a crime, is it?” Tony cut in, shame and anger creeping from the pit of his stomach.

“--staying up almost twenty four hours a day, and that you have little to no idea of what’s going around you most of the time.” The attorney finished as if Tony hadn’t interjected. “And your AI provided us with some videos of you that clearly show it was more than ‘a glass of scotch at the end of the day’.” Ah. So he had heard. The attorney placed the folder under his arm and crossed his arms, looking at Tony with his eyebrows raised in question. “That sounds like a depression to me.”

“Objection, Your Honor,” Alvarez stood up, looking straight at the judge. “The personal opinion of Mr. Johnson isn’t relevant to this case.”

The judge nodded at Mr. Johnson and shot him a sharp look.

“I’m sorry, Your Honor, it won’t happen again.”

“Better not,” the lady said. “Continue.”

She looked so bored. Tony suddenly became convinced that the trial would be a sham and a waste of time. The judge looked like she had already decided upon the result and the verdict she was going to give. He also realized she probably wanted this whole thing to be over as much as he did.

“Why didn’t you agree to the help your friends were offering you?” Johnson continued, looking at Tony questioningly.

“Because, as I said, I’m fine and I don’t need any help. I can take care of myself.”

“Then how would you explain your stay in hospital two weeks ago?”

“It was an accident,” Tony answered quietly.

“Accident?” he heard Mr. Johnson scoff. “I don’t think an overdose can be called an accident, do you, Mr. Stark?”

Tony didn’t know what to say to that. It _was_ an accident, but if he tried to explain himself, his situation would only get worse and Pepper and Rhodey didn’t need any more ammunition. They had already won.

“Mr. Stark?” Johnson looked at him, awaiting the answer.

“I won’t say anything. You can let me go, I don’t want to answer any more questions,” Tony replied abruptly.

“You’re excused, Mr. Stark,” he heard the judge declare, and he walked back quickly to his chair behind the desk next to Alvarez.

Next up for questioning was Rhodey, followed immediately by Pepper. They both said basically the same things, told some stories to back up their decision, and even Alvarez couldn’t break them down, and he was the best lawyer Tony had ever had.

Tony didn’t dare to look at his friends just like they didn’t dare to look at him when he was being interrogated. It was hard enough for him to listen to what they were saying. If he had to see their faces as they betrayed him over and over again, it would have been too much to bear. Every time he heard Pepper’s voice as she spoke about the countless times she had found him drunk on the couch or in his workshop, his heart sank. There was so much pain and sadness in her voice. Then she started talking about her and Rhodey’s decision. The hope Tony could hear made him think for a single minute that they really were doing it for him and not for them. That they were really his friends and they didn’t see any other way but to bring this to court. For sixty seconds, she had him completely taken in, and he actually wanted them to win, because as painful as it was to hear, she was telling the truth.

But that was just for a minute. After Pepper’s testimony the judge went to her office to “think about the verdict”. The whole thing seemed horribly theatrical to Tony. All of them were just keeping up appearances for the sake of it. There was no jury, no audience and no reporters to care about the ins and outs.

The old lady came back into the room a mere ten minutes after she left. They all stood as she slowly sat down and placed the case folder in front of her. Then she let her gaze wander over the courtroom, took a breath, and announced the verdict.

“I recognize Anthony Edward Stark as being incapable of making his own decisions with regards his personal and mental wellbeing, and as such place all rights of self governance in hands of Miss Virginia Potts and Colonel James Rhodes until such a time as Mr. Stark regains his full capabilities.”

Tony had known this was coming but he still couldn’t help his insides squeeze as he heard it. He sank down onto his chair when the judge left the room, sensing Felix’s outraged and sympathetic eyes focus on him. He glanced up at Pepper and Rhodey when they passed by his desk.

To his surprise, he couldn’t see any sign of victory or happiness in their eyes. Instead they looked back at him with grave sadness on their faces, and left in silence.

* * *

Tony sat with his legs crossed in the middle of his king-size bed. His clothes were scattered all around the room and two black suitcases were lying open on the floor. There were some boxers and single mismatched socks lying inside of them. The door to his wardrobe was wide open and showed empty hangers. Someone might have mistakenly thought that there had been a break-in.

In fact, Tony had emptied the wardrobe over an hour ago, throwing all of his clothes on the floor in a fit of anger. He had absolutely no idea whether to pack some of his suits or maybe his jerseys. This whole packing thing sucked without Pepper by his side. She would have told him what he really needed, he would have let her pack all of the stuff and everything would have been done in less than half an hour.

But he couldn’t call her. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted her help. He was still mad at her and Rhodey for what they’d done, even if it had slowly started to sink in that they had done it for his own good. Still, it was too soon for Tony to admit this and try and bring things back to the way they were before the trial. Their good intentions didn’t change the fact they’d acted behind his back. This thought still hurt him almost as much as the shrapnel in his chest every time he was pulling the reactor out. Two weeks since the trial wasn’t enough for Tony to act like nothing happened.

He grabbed the bottle of whiskey lying in between his crossed legs and took a big sip of the amber liquid inside. Yep, he was still drinking (and sniffing the meth), but he was allowed to do that since soon enough it would all be taken away from him. Although, he _had_ decided to hide one small bag of the white powder behind the material inner of one of the suitcases. He had nothing to lose, so why not give it a try?

He was staring down at one of his plaid shirts lying at the foot of his bed, when he heard JARVIS.

 “Sir, Miss Potts awaits at the door. Shall I let her in?”

“Like I have anything to say,” he muttered. “Yeah, JARVIS, you better let her in. I don’t want the police at my door.”

He stood up from his bed and crouched down next to the little fridge standing not far from him. He hid the whiskey inside and leaped back on the bed. As he lay down on the mattress the door swung open and Pepper entered the room. She briefly glanced around for Tony, and when she spotted him she walked over to the bed, giving him a gentle smile as she did so.

“Hi, Tony,” she said quietly, after a long minute of staring.

He nodded his head in response and looked at the ceiling covered in little shiny dots.

When he was little the ceiling in his room was covered in stars that always shone in the dark. He loved looking at them before he went to sleep or when he needed to think. The stars were the only thing he decided to keep from his old room. Well, in a way, because these dots weren’t the same stars from his childhood. They were pieces of broken baubles. They looked better, and shone even in the daylight. Tony liked the idea of having the stars above his head all the time, especially when he could see them whenever he wanted to, like now.

“What happened here?” Pepper asked, when Tony didn’t say anything.

He sat up slowly and looked around the room. He knew how it looked, but he was reluctant to answer his friend. “I was just packing my stuff.”

“Packing?” she repeated, walking across to one of his Armani suits lying on the floor and picking the jacket up. “You don’t need this in the facility.” He could hear from her voice that she was smiling slightly. She was clearly trying to ease the situation between them, but Tony couldn’t help that he wasn’t in the mood. He didn’t say a thing and just shrugged as she looked at him expectantly.

Tony watched Pepper as she let the Armani suit jacket fall back onto the floor, walk to his bed and place her purse on the side of it. She also took off her own black jacket and placed it next to the purse. Then she rolled her shirt sleeves up, walked around the room and started picking up jeans, plaid shirts, t-shirts and jerseys. Every single casual thing Tony that had in his wardrobe was now in her hands. After she was done she placed the pretty impressive bunch of clothing next to Tony and looked at him, smiling brightly.

“That should be all,” she said, and placed her hands on her hips looking at the things she’d just collected from the floor. The look in her eyes told Tony she was checking if everything she considered appropriate for the facility was actually there. He couldn’t help but smile seeing this familiar expression. She was standing there, frowning and sucking her cheeks. Not until now did he realize how long it was since he’d seen it and how much he had missed it.

But then he pulled a face. He knew why he hadn’t seen it in a long time. Not because Pepper hadn’t done it, but because he simply hadn’t noticed it. Guilt crept over his body like a thunder and he actually flinched a little. “Thanks,” he said slowly, not looking at her.

“No problem, Tony. I’m still your assistant, remember?” she prompted, but didn’t receive an answer. After a minute Tony felt the mattress dip a little as Pepper sat down next to him. He saw out of the corner of his eye as she moved her hand, like she wanted to grab his, but then she stopped in a half way and placed it in her lap instead. “Tony, can we talk?”

He took a deep breath. He didn’t want to answer that, either. He shrugged again and started to play with his fingers. He heard a heavy sigh from Pepper’s side, and he knew what was coming next. She was going to talk anyway. He would just listen and let her say what she needed to. He wouldn’t respond. He had too much to think about and he didn’t want to say something he would later regret.

The out of character nature of this thought suddenly struck him. He _never_ cared about what he said. He just spoke. He hardly ever thought twice over anything that left his mouth, and very rarely considered the consequences of his words. If he remembered correctly the last time he spent any energy thinking over his words was when he was in his father’s office right before the older mans death. He remembered the fight they had had back then, and how he hadn’t wanted to make his father angry, so he’d stayed quiet and zipped his mouth up when he saw the vein pulsing on Howard’s temple.

 _God, have I changed_ , he thought to himself, looking at his hands with realization.

“Okay, if you don’t wanna talk, I will,” he heard Pepper’s voice. He didn’t move, he just let her talk.

 “I meant every word I said in court two weeks ago. We are doing this for your own safety. I’ve been so worried about you these past two months. Ever since you came back I just couldn’t see the old Tony. And that frightened me. Even at the airport, when you tried to be yourself, I could see there was something wrong.”

She stopped for a minute and took a long breath. The way she exhaled told Tony she was on the edge of crying.

 “I just want the old you back. I don’t want to come here one day and find you on the floor cold and lifeless. You’re more than a boss to me, Tony. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Tony had a lump in his throat. He suddenly wanted to hug her so much. Instead he raised his eyes and set his gaze on Pepper. She looked slightly taken aback by his movement. He scrunched up his face and looked back at his fingers. This was not the reaction he wanted to see on her. He felt really bad for making her feel that way. He never thought he would be the source of so much pain and worry. Ever. He was crazy, and had done whatever he wanted to, but he had gone too far this time. His latest actions were out of control.

He smiled bitterly and rose up to his feet. He could feel Pepper’s gaze on him but he didn’t look at her. He just grabbed some of the clothes she had picked up for him and started putting them into the suitcases.

She watched him until he zipped the last one of his bags. The silence between them was so awkward that Tony wanted to walk out of the room and be anywhere but there. Pepper finally stood up, put on her suit jacket and grabbed her purse. “I’ll go and get Happy,” she said blankly, and started walking towards the door. Before she closed it behind her she looked at Tony again. “I should probably tell you that Rhodey is riding with us.”

Tony nodded and watched her close the door.

* * *

This was the worst ride Tony had ever had with his friends.

It seemed to take forever to reach the rehab facility. No one was talking. The car was filled with sounds of their breathing and it annoyed Tony more than it should. He wanted to say something a couple of times during the journey, but…he didn’t know what to say. So he just sat there between Pepper and Rhodey and looked at his lap. This would be funny if the circumstances were different. He just hoped that sometime in the future he would be able to laugh at this memory.

Happy stopped the car by the entrance after they had passed through some imposing black gates. Tony stumbled out of the car right after Rhodey and looked at the building in front of him as he stretched his legs.

It was nothing like Tony had imagined it would be. Pepper hadn’t told him the exact place they’d chosen, and he hadn’t asked, but his imagination had been working on overdrive. This had resulted in him expecting a place like Alcatraz prison, with bars in the windows and a barbed-wire fence and a permanent storm above it, with thunder and lightening and lashing rain. Yeah, he’d watched too many action movies.

Instead of this House of Horrors he found himself stood in front of a building of the size of the White House with walls made of the red brick and rows of clean, modern windows on every one of the five floors. The building was surrounded with green lawns and lots of bushes and flowers and a fountain. The entrance looked similar to the hotels in Malibu, which they had left behind a few miles ago. Leading up to the door were three wide steps made from what looked like sandstone. The small space between the steps and the double door was created out of shiny black wood. The whole thing was surrounded by a high wall made from the same red brick as the building. Overall, it was more pleasant than scary. It just looked like a huge mansion Tony would probably buy if it was for sale.

“Tony, c’mon,” Pepper called to him. He looked at her and saw that she, Happy and Rhodey were already by the doors. Happy was holding his suitcases. He gave another quick glance at the building and followed them, still looking around curiously.

They entered a large, open space with wooden floors and summery yellow walls. At the left corner not far from the entrance was a reception counter made from the same dark wood as the floor outside. Behind it sat a pretty blonde girl in a black suit. She was talking to a tall, dark-haired man, who was standing on the other side. _Probably one of the doctors_ , Tony thought, and that made him look away from the man. He didn’t want to know the guy who would probably be taking care of him whilst he was  there. Not yet, at least.

Instead, he started looking around the hall again. There were a lot of paintings on the walls, and besides the counter, no other furniture. Opposite to the entrance doors were big stairs that probably led to all the rooms. Every step was covered with dark red carpet and the balustrades at the both sides of the stairs were painted dark brown.

The whole place looked like it belonged to someone important, and was used as a representative building for meetings with other important people. It looked like the country estate pad of a rich businessman. Not that Tony knew much about those… He mostly met important people in his company offices or at the galas.

“Hi, we’re here with Anthony Stark,” he heard Pepper’s voice. He turned on his heel and strode over to the counter, where Pepper stood with Rhodey at her side. The doctor was still there, stood a little away from them at the end of the counter, writing something on a piece of paper.

“Ah, yes,” the pretty blonde woman replied and started searching something in her computer. “Just a moment… You’re just in time,” she looked with a friendly smile at Pepper. “Our employee will be here in a minute to take Mr. Stark’s luggage and take him to his room. Unfortunately, I’m afraid you won’t be able to go with him.”

“I understand. Thank you,” Pepper said and walked towards Tony, followed by Rhodey. Happy stood by the door with Tony’s suitcases on his sides. He was eyeing his employer cautiously. “Do you like it here?” Pepper asked, trying to sound casual.

Tony nodded in response and started looking at the paintings, pretending he was studying them. He saw from the corner of his eye that Rhodey shook his head with disapproval and looked at Tony with the same factor in his eyes. He decided to pretend he hadn’t seen that.

After a minute or two of this awkward, silent atmosphere between the three of them a guy in a blue shirt and matching trousers showed up, and was directed over to them by the receptionist. Both were smiling friendly at Tony, but he merely he showed his teeth in a mean grin in response.

“Are you ready, Mr. Stark?” the blonde asked, first looking at him and then at Pepper and Rhodey, keeping same expression on her pretty face.

“Ah, yes,” Tony said, clapping his hands mockingly. “Where’s my room?”

“Michael here,” she indicated the man next to her, “will show you to your room. You will be joined upstairs by our security. We need to check your bags, Mr. Stark, in case you’re trying to smuggle something through.” The little smile on her face grew a bit wider.

Tony simply nodded and watched as Happy handed his suitcases to Michael. After Michael had started up the stairs, Tony winked at the blonde woman and made to follow him, without once glancing at Pepper or Rhodey.

He should say goodbye to them, he knew, but then again - he didn’t know what to say. “Thanks for the trial and everything”? “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine now”? One thing Tony knew for sure – he _wouldn’t_ be fine. The small bag of meth he had hidden in his suitcase? Even if the security somehow missed it, the amount he had wouldn’t last him long. He would eventually have to go through with the detox. He was shitting his pants just at the thought of it.

He hadn’t been doing meth for a long time. I mean, two months compared to the time some junkies on the streets had been doing it… It wasn’t long. But he was sure even after only two months of heavily abusing the drug that the detox wouldn’t be fun. He had seen movies that told stories of people addicted to various kinds of drugs, and the detox was always the same: a few days of endless pain and insufferable _need_. Most of those movies ended with death of the main character. Of course they became re-addicted, because none of them could handle the pain.

Tony remembered how he’d always told himself he would _never_ let himself get addicted to drugs. Of course, alcohol was a different thing. He needed that, but drugs… he was taking small amounts before Afghanistan and it was always because he _wanted_ to, not because he _needed_ to. And they were always light drugs.

Tony realized he was in this over his head now and he needed to get out of it.

He stopped halfway to the stairs and looked back at his friends with fear. The scared feeling was now all over him and he couldn’t help himself want to turn away and run back down to them. He fought the urge, knowing it would be too painful to hug Pepper, Rhodey and Happy for a ‘last time’. He knew it would be a long time before he’d see them again. But he was here and he had to get on with it. He couldn’t allow himself to show them that he was afraid.

Michael made a small coughing sound, and Tony felt his friendly gaze draw him back from his reverie. He took in a deep breath and shut his eyes. After a second he opened them again, smiled blankly up at Michael, and placed his right foot on the first step.

* * *

Loki went downstairs to talk to Amy, the receptionist, about his schedule for the next week. He had spent a good hour going through all the papers on his desk and all the files on his computer to find it, and he still hadn’t managed to locate it. He needed to have it today, because it was the last day of his current schedule, and he hated not knowing what he was doing in advance.

“Hey, Amy,” he said with a sly smile as he reached the counter. He’d heard the entrance door open, but didn’t look over. It was probably just another patient.

“Do you have my schedule? I have searched my whole office and still can’t find it.”

“Sure,” she said and started going through a pile of documents on her desk. “Here you go.” She grabbed a sheet of paper from the bottom and handed it to Loki. “Oh, whilst you’re here you might as well fill in some questionnaires about this weeks patients.” She handed him another page.

“Okay. And thank you.”

He waved his schedule giving her a grateful smile. A redheaded woman approached the counter, and he moved to the end of it to fill in the forms.

“Hi, we’re here with Anthony Stark,” he heard her say and almost immediately lifted his head to look at her. She was none other than Pepper Potts, Stark’s famous assistant. Loki remembered the newspapers he’d read two weeks ago about her and the Colonel Rhodes winning a trial over Stark. He frowned at her. She was obviously tired, and… sad. Sadness was so visible on her, Loki could almost feel it billowing around her. _She must be more than just his assistant_ , he thought, looking at her almost with concern.

Amy started searching for something in her computer and Loki went back to filling in the form lying in front of him. Suddenly, he looked over his schedule, to see if Stark’s name was somewhere there. He found it. He was signed up for the group meeting with other new patients tomorrow. Loki couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Stark was very curious case for him.

Since he’d come back from Afghanistan, Loki had been following all the news about him. When he’d read about his overdose almost a month ago he couldn’t help but hope he’d land there in the clinic. Then the trial came, and it seemed as if Loki had got his wish….

Anthony Stark was a patient Loki definitely would like to have.

Loki was in the middle of answering the questions about the patients when he was distracted by Amy. She stood up from her chair and walked from behind the counter, sending him a small smile as she did so before approaching their new guest. Loki turned slightly to get a good look at the whole situation. At the same time, he was pretending to keep filling in the forms.

Amy was joined by Michael halfway across the hall and they both stopped few steps away from the new dark haired man. “Are you ready, Mr. Stark?” she asked him politely. As an answer she received a playful clap in the hands and a sarcastic “Ah, yes. Where’s my room?”

Loki could barely stop himself from chuckling. If that was the way Stark acted when he was nervous, then this facility was about to become a lot more fun than usual.

Amy told him everything that procedure required, and Stark and Michael started walking towards the stairs. Loki switched his position to have a good view at the first few steps and watched as Tony stopped just before them and looked up them with fear. That wasn’t the reaction Loki had expected. Every other patient normally walked straight up the stairs or fought to run away from the very beginning. Stark confused him. The fear he saw in the other mans eyes was so new in this building. But what caused it?

Loki watched as Anthony closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath and finally made the first step. As soon as he was gone from Loki’s view, the god heard voices behind his back.

“He didn’t even said goodbye.” Pepper’s voice almost cracked. She was hurt, it was obvious from her tone.

“Well, I guess he just needs more time to understand things,” a deep voice responded. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“When will we be able to see him?” Pepper sniffed.

“It depends on the detox and his behavior here. If everything goes according to plan, then you’ll be able to visit Mr. Stark in two weeks,” Amy replied kindly.

There was a short pause before Miss Potts’ answer. “Thank you. Call me if anything happens.”

“I will, Miss Potts. Have a good day.”

After few seconds Loki heard the door shut and Amy came back behind the counter. Loki finally finished filling up the forms and handed them back to her.

“This one’s gonna be tough,” she said, placing the paper on top of one of the piles.

“So I think,” Loki replied, and looked at the stairs, thinking. “But what is life without challenges?” He smiled at her and moved away from the desk.

“I don’t think anyone would like that kind of a challenge,” she called after him.

“Well,” he said, still walking, “I am not anyone.”


	4. III. Protect Me From What I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of, big thanks to [Sarah](http://lovelystrumpet.tumblr.com/) for making the greatest job at beta'ing this ;3
> 
> Thank you for 40 kudos! ♥ and give me some feedback in comments, I really would love to know, what do you think about the story so far!
> 
> Song for this chapter is [here](http://mysky-mylimit.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist).
> 
> Enjoy! :3

Tony walked up the stairs and stopped at the first floor, waiting for Michael to reach him. Michael smiled when he caught up and indicated the corridor to the left. Stark looked around it with curiosity and fear at the same time. He was going to be spending lots of time here and it freaked him out. The fear grew even worse when he suddenly realized there would be no JARVIS. He shivered at the thought of not hearing his AI for a long time.

The corridor walls were covered in beige wallpaper with brown flowers that made up a really boring pattern. Every few meters were white doors with a black number on the upper half. Tony started wandering how many other patients were in them now. And how many of them were new.

After about 30 seconds of walking they reached the end of the corridor and the last few doors. Two security guys were awaiting them there. Both nodded at Tony and Michael, and the latter placed Tony’s suitcases on the floor at his feet. He reached into the pocket of his pants, pulled out a key, and opened the door with two clicks.

Michael and the security men let Tony walk in first. He’d taken a tentative step inside, when Michael called out, “Evening, Dr. Odinson!”. Tony looked back and saw that the man was looking down towards the other end of the corridor. He guessed at a silent response from ‘Doctor Odinson’ as Michael merely smiled back, whilst picking up Tony’s suitcases once again. He then looked straight at Tony as he walked in and gave him a friendly smile.

Tony was getting tired of all these people giving him smiles like that. Yes, he was here as a patient and supposedly had a ‘problem’, (which he still partially refusing to admit), but that didn’t give them all an excuse to look at him like that. He could see and feel the pity in every person he came into contact with in this building. It was already making Tony want to smash something. He seriously doubted his stay here would be a pleasant one.

He didn’t have time to look closely at the room he would be living in for the next few weeks. When Michael put his suitcases on the bed the security guys came straight in and started searching for drugs and other banned items. Tony watched them with a lump of fear in his throat. He knew there’d be some serious consequences if they found the meth. He started cursing himself for putting the bag in the suitcase at all. What was he even thinking?

It took them a while to check both bags. They basically threw all of Tony’s clothes on the bed and checked every inside pocket they could find. Tony didn’t even know his bags _had_ so many possible hiding places. When one of the security guys was came across the part Tony had hidden the meth in his heart almost ripped out of his chest, it was pounding that hard. He could practically hear the blood pumping through his veins and all he could do was stand there and watch them do their job, hoping they too couldn’t hear his heart beating.

Then, somehow, impossibly, the security men straightened up and nodded to Michael. Tony’s eyes widened. They hadn’t found the bag. Oh, God. He almost sighed aloud with relief, stopping himself at the last moment. He pulled himself together in a blink of an eye and watched as one of the bodyguards walked out of the room. The door was open all this time, and Tony couldn’t wait for them all to get out and shut it, leaving him alone at last.

The security guy who had remained looked at Tony dangerously and walked over to him. Tony shot Michael a questioning look when the big guy told him to stretch his arms and legs; all he received in response was that infuriating friendly smile again, which he now hated with all his heart. If he ever saw that smile again after he left this place, he was going to hit the person who made it, no matter if it were man, woman or child.

When the bodyguard had checked every inch of Tony’s body he left the room, nodding to both of them. But still not closing the door behind him.

Michael looked at Tony with _that_ smile glued to his lips. “That’s all from us, Mr. Stark. If you need anything there’s a button on the bedside table,” he pointed the furniture with his hand, “just press it and someone will come to you as fast as they can. You’ll be having a group meeting with the other new patients tomorrow in room number 5, downstairs. If you get lost, you can ask our receptionist for directions. I wish you a good night, Mr. Stark.”

Tony just nodded looking at him blankly and Michael left the room, finally closing the door. All Tony felt like doing was curling up on the bed and getting some sleep, but…He couldn’t do that. Shouldn’t do that. No sleep meant no nightmares. He couldn’t face the chaos inside his head when he dreamt.

So, instead of lying on the bed Tony moved over to his suitcases and took out the meth bag that remained hidden. He stowed it away in the drawer of his bedside table and then finally looked around his room.

It was less than half the size of his bedroom back at mansion. The walls were painted light green, a sickly shade that didn’t resemble any green thing Tony had ever seen. Opposite the door was small window with a black roller blind. On the left was his bed with light blue covers. There was a small shelf on the other side of the bed, next to the window. A few books were standing there, but Tony didn’t bother to look what they were. Probably some old and not very interesting ones. On the right was a wardrobe just big enough to contain the clothes Tony had brought with him. Next to the wardrobe was another door. Tony walked towards it and pushed it open to see a small, brilliantly white bathroom.

“Great,” he muttered. “Everything’s just peachy.”

He came back to his bed and sat down, not bothering about the clothes still lying there, reached over to the drawers and untied the bag he’d just put there. He took a small amount of the white powder with the tips of two fingers and sniffed it in one go. He fell back onto the duvet and stared at the white ceiling.

He was trying not to think about anything, but his brain wouldn’t let him have that privilege. As soon as Pepper’s face showed up on the ceiling he tried to think about the repairs he needed to do on his old-school car. As much as he tried, it didn’t help. His thoughts almost immediately came back to Pepper and the last time he saw her face in the flesh.

He felt guilty; like the one of the biggest assholes in the whole world. Maybe he was the biggest one, considering he left her there without saying even “bye” to her or Rhodey or Happy.

“Fuck,” he said and rolled over on the bed, now lying on his stomach.

Normally, guilt would start when the drug or the alcohol stopped working. This was a surprise. He’d barely sniffed the meth and now all he could think about was Pepper’s saddened face as he walked away. That niggling feeling that they were doing all this for his own good wasn’t helping. It just made him feel even more of an asshole.

Even if he still wasn’t able to forgive her for the trial, she didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She was his best friend, closer to him than family. She knew literally everything about him. Sometimes Tony thought she knew him better than he knew himself. After all, she’d been his private assistant for more years than he could actually remember.

She took care of every single woman he brought home from a party. She walked them out, while he was in his workshop, avoiding the awkwardness of the “morning after”. She picked him up from every public event when he wasn’t able to go back home on his own two feet. She took care of every single scandal he was connected with, drafting out the best possible statement in every case. She was brilliant, she was amazing, she was always there for him. She was… good.

And Rhodey? Him and Tony had known each other since college, when he was his was on his own. Before Pepper. They took different classes but they happened to b roommates every year, and it was enough for them to become friends. It would be enough for anyone to become friends. They partied together, drank together, got stoned together. The only thing they didn’t do together, obviously, was sex. Rhodey always supported Tony when he had a fight with Howard. They made each other laugh when one of them was sad.

They were best friends.

And Happy. The best driver Tony had ever had. He, too, was a friend. After all, he was the one driving when Pepper picked drunk Tony up from a party. He witnessed so much bullshit in the back of that car and he still looked at Tony with respect.

The guilt was now in every cell of Tony’s body. At least that’s how he felt. He sat up on the bed and blinked, looking absently at the closed door. The key was stuck in the slot on the inside. Michael must’ve placed it like that before he left. Tony stood up, twisted the key once and left it in the door. Then he came back to the bed, sat with his legs crossed in front of him, and took the whole bag of meth in his hand.

He stared at it for a minute, thinking. He was here because his friends wanted him to stop doing the drug. They wanted him to get better. They wanted to have old Tony back.

So… was it possible for the old Tony to come back?

Tony doubted that. Slowly, it hit him that even if he grew out of the addiction, he would never be the same again. And that thought made him angry. He wanted to be the guy he was _before_ Afghanistan. He wanted to be that guy so much, but there was something in him that wouldn’t let that guy come back.

The arc reactor.

Tony looked down at the device in his chest with such disgust, like he was looking at dog shit on the grass.

This was the thing that changed everything. Maybe if Yinsen hadn’t tried to save him five months ago the world would be different now. Better, maybe. Or worse, but even so, his friends wouldn’t have a problem like they had right now – the “Tony Problem”.

Tony opened the bag and spilled some of the white powder on his forearm. He used his fingers to make two straight lines from it, sniffing them up one after the other. About a minute after that he felt the familiar glorious emptiness in his mind and once again laid himself down on the bed, looking at the ceiling with a sad smile.

* * *

Tony woke early in the morning; the sun was just showing up on the horizon. Automatically, he reached for his jeans pocket to check the hour on his phone and when he couldn’t find it everything hit him. He suddenly remembered the events of yesterday and sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes with his fist.

He had left his cellphone, tablet, laptop, literally everything that could get him connected with the outside world, back at the mansion. One of the rules of this facility was that all patients had to be cut off from the outside world. Tony slowly sat up on his bed and looked around. Everything was okay, not counting the fact he slept in his clothes.

He uncrossed his legs and decided to walk down to receptionist as soon as it was appropriate. He needed to call Pepper and say goodbye to her, he owned her that. And also many, many different things, but these weren’t important now.

He jumped of his bed and decided the time would flow faster if he was doing something. First things first, he had to put his clothes in the wardrobe. He supposed to do that yesterday, but… never mind, really, he’d do it now. It’s not like anyone would check up on his tidiness.

As soon as this thought entered his mind he turned around slowly, looking closely at the walls and the ceiling. He wasn’t sure, exactly, what he was looking for. A camera? No, he couldn’t be watched here. He asked Pepper about that yesterday as soon as he’d put his suitcases in the car. She told him there were no cameras in the rooms.

Then why was he feeling like someone was watching him?

He took in the whole room one more time, looking cautiously at everything, and then grabbed a pair of jeans from the bed, his eyes fixed on the door a second longer than would be normal.

When his clothes were in the wardrobe, all nicely hung up or folded, he looked outside the window. The sun was now clearly visible on the sky, but it was still far too early to go downstairs. The next thing he decided to do was have a shower.

He grabbed a towel and his vanity bag from the wardrobe, and walked into the bathroom.

The room was even smaller than the bedroom, which didn’t please him. He’d got used to the long hours spent in the bathtub at the mansion, just lying there enjoying the warmness of the water and the silence. Here all he’d got was a shower, sink and toilet. He exhaled heavily at the sight and placed the vanity bag on the shelf above the sink. He looked in the mirror above it and pulled a face. There were large, dark purple circles under his eyes. Not as bad as bruises, but still fairly visible. He realized he hadn’t seen himself in the mirror for a very long time. He looked away from his reflection and took out shower gel and shampoo from the bag.

He stripped off his clothes and placed them in the laundry basket between the sink and the shower cabin. Then he stepped into the shower, turned on the water and let his mind wander wherever it pleased. Warm water was always calming for his thoughts; he liked to clear his head while taking a long bath. Some of his greatest inventions had come to his mind while he was lying in the bathtub.

Now, he was just trying to rid his mind of everything that was unpleasant for him to think of. Pepper was still there, but since he had decided to call her and try to explain himself he felt a bit better when it came to her. He started thinking about JARVIS and the mansion. How was the house doing without anyone being there? He knew his AI had placed a lockdown on the entire building and only Pepper and Rhodey had the access. It made him shiver when he thought about going back to a place no one had lived in for a few weeks. It would be like moving into a new place. Tony didn’t like new places.

He sighed heavily, shaking his head, and grabbed the shampoo.

Half an hour later, he was out of the bathroom, his gray jersey pants on and a towel over his shoulders. He sat down on the bed and looked at the drawer, where the meth was hidden. _No, not now_ , he thought, getting up and walking over to the window. Phone call first.

He looked at the sight he had from his window. Everything was green, just like it was yesterday at the front of the building. The grass stretched as far as he could see. He could barely make out the red brick fence behind the trees and bushes growing around the edges. This place gave a feeling of a prison once you were in, a prison that you weren’t allowed to leave until you were… cured. The pleasant look of the exterior couldn’t take this feeling away.

For someone like Tony, being under the lock and key all the time was one of the worst things that could possibly happen to him. Yes, he spent _lots_ of his time in his workshop working on everything he could come up with, but that was his choice. He could exit his workshop and mansion any time. Here he wasn’t allowed to do that. It was like a torture.

He looked at the sun, which was coming up from behind the trees, and decided it was finally a good time to go downstairs and call Pepper. He walked to his wardrobe, took out a black hoodie and a pair of sneakers, and put them on. He looked around the room one last time before he went out and closed the door behind him, placing the key in the pocket of his pants. He slowly walked down the corridor and then downstairs, waiting for someone to bump into him.

It freaked him out a little bit that he didn’t meet anyone on his way. It was a big facility, there should have been someone walking around, at least security, surely? He tensed when he placed his foot on the wooden floor of the hall he was in yesterday. He looked at the counter and saw the same woman who had greeted him sitting behind it. He slowly walked towards her, trying to look casual.

“Hi,” he said, trying sound as normal as possible, taking care to send her one of his smiles.

“Mr. Stark,” she looked at him surprised. “Good morning. Do you need something? You could just use the button—’’

“Yeah, I know,” he cut in before she finished the sentence. “It’s just, I need something from _here,_ ” he said, glancing down at the counter and placing his hands on it.

The woman looked at him, frowning. “What is it?”

Tony inhaled heavily before asking.

“Can I use the phone?”

She looked at him, saddened, and shook her head before staring down at the computer screen. She started to type something in before she to gave him a reply.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, but you can’t. We’re not allowed to let new patients make phone calls.”

“Oh, c’mon,” he said looking at her, begging. “Just one call, that’s all I need.”

“I can’t, I’m sorry,” she said, this time not even looking up from the screen.

Tony felt the anger filling him slowly. How was he supposed to say good bye to Pepper when they wouldn’t let him used the fucking phone for a few minutes? This was ridiculous.

“Listen, it’s just one call. Five minutes. That’s all I’m asking for,” he tried again.

He heard her sigh. Then she looked at him with a bored expression on her face.

“I told you, Mr. Stark, I can’t do that. I could lose my job if I let you.”

“For Christ’s sake!” he shouted. “It’s just one call!”

She jumped up off her chair and backed away a little bit after that. “Calm down, sir,” she said slowly.

“Then let me make that fucking phone call!” he roared, hitting the counter with his fist.

He heard the quick steps behind him. The woman looked at the stairs and exhaled with relief. Tony kept his anger filled gaze directed onto her and didn’t even look at who was coming.

“What’s going on, Amy?” asked a soft, male voice.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on,” Tony said and turned to the guy.” _She_ won’t let me call my friend.”

The dark haired man looked at him with concern. What really caught Tony’s attention, though, was his looks.

He was tall, taller than Tony by a foot or maybe even more. He was slim, but didn’t look like a guy you could beat easily. He was wearing black shirt, unbuttoned at the collar, and dark jeans. The shirt clung to his body and showed off the muscles on his arms. They were impressive, Tony had to admit that. His skin was pale and reminded Tony of the snow he had seen only a few times in his life. His jet black hair was neatly arranged and combed neatly, falling just above his shoulders. But it was his eyes that gained Tony’s full attention.

They were the deepest green Tony had ever seen, and reminded him of the Alaskan lake he visited once with his mother as a child shortly before she died. The lake was hidden in the middle of the forest, where only a few people could reach it. The color was magical, and Tony saw a glimpse of this magic and something more in the mans eyes that enabled him to calm down. The eyes made Tony trust the man in front of him, even though he was seeing him for the first time in his life.

“We’re so sorry; sir, but you cannot do that now. Unfortunately, phone calls are privileges reserved for our longer term patients’’, he said, with concern in his voice. Like he wanted to let Tony to let make that call, but really couldn’t.

“I just—“ Tony brought a hand to his hair and combed his fingers through it. “I really need to call her, I need to say good bye,” he said hopelessly.

The man looked at him and gave him a small smile. “I’ll tell you what,” he started walking towards the stairs gesturing at Tony to follow him. Tony did, without once looking back at the woman behind the counter. “I’ll see what I can do, but after the group meeting, okay?”

Tony looked at him and thought about his proposition.

It was somehow a good way out of the situation. The guy was obviously one of doctors, which was strange considering his looks. He seemed much younger than most of the doctors Tony had ever met before in his life. And he must’ve been a genius; otherwise he wouldn’t be a doctor in the best rehab facility in the country. But, going back to Tony’s problem - if the dark-haired man was _indeed_ a doctor that meant he had the power to make the receptionist let Tony make that call. And then Tony could tell Pepper how sorry he was about yesterday and he could say good bye to her. This would clear his conscience for a little while for sure. There was just one question.

“When’s the meeting?” Tony looked at the man.

They were already climbing up the stairs and the doctor wasn’t looking at him. When he heard the question he smiled a little and looked at the watch on his right wrist.

“In an hour,” he replied. “You can just stay in your room and wait for it or go back down,” he gestured at the stairs behind them, “and join the rest of the patients in the common room.”

“There’s a common room here?” Tony looked at him startled.

“Yes. No one showed you the building?”

Tony shook his head.

“Well, then, looks like I’ll have to do that. But again, after the group session,” he said, now looking down the right corridor.

They were already at the first floor. They stopped at top of the stairs and faced each other.

“I think I prefer to be in my room, thanks,” Tony said quickly, and started walking towards it. He could feel his hands were starting to shake and his heartbeat was getting faster – he needed the meth. He felt the shivers running down his spine, and they weren’t the pleasant ones. He heard the doctor say something after him, but he didn’t pay any attention to him anymore. There was just one thing on his mind.

He reached his door and started checking the pockets for the key. When he found it he tried to keep his hand steady so he could put it in the keyhole. He failed a couple of times, but finally managed to open the door. He burst into the room, shutting the door behind him and almost running to the bedside table. He reached for the drawer, opened it, and relief fell on him when he felt the small bag of white powder in his hand. He split it open, spilled some of the meth on his forearm. and sniffed quickly.

He let out a relieved moan when he felt the drug start to work. The bag landed back in the drawer and Tony’s body fell on the bed with his feet still touching the ground. He was looking at the ceiling with a blissful smile on his lips. That’s all he needed right now, he thought. That’s all he needed for the rest of his life. If this meant spending all his money on the meth and then taking it to be in this state that’s exactly what he wanted to do.

This time, he didn’t realize that these thoughts were exactly why he really needed to be in this place.

*  * *

Group therapy was one of the worst experiences of Tony’s life. And he had some pretty awful ones. When he went downstairs – still stoned – and joined the rest of this group in room No.5 he pulled a face. There were five people in the room, including him, and every single one of them was no older than twenty five.

There were three blonde girls sitting in a corner away from the door and whispering to each other, watching a guy left alone. He was sat on a chair that was part of the circle in the middle of the room, and looking back at the girls in turn, his eyebrows raised in confusion.

This one wasn’t going to be easy, Tony thought while he stood at the door watching this tableaux. Only the guy appeared to notice him when he walked in, but Tony didn’t find this reaction surprising. His eyes were widened in shock and his jaw was almost on the floor, which wasn’t a pleasant view. Probably his abilities to speak or move were gone, because when Tony greeted him with a wave of his hand he did nothing.

Tony paused awkwardly outside of the circle of chairs, not knowing quite what to do with himself. He remembered the time when he and his parents moved from New York to Los Angeles in the middle of the school year. That feeling was similar to the awkwardness he felt now, when the teacher in his new school told him to stand in front of his class (which, by the way, was composed of people three years older than him) and introduce himself. Tony had expected himself to disappear in the cloud of shame back then, wary of the multiple derisive smiles on his classmate’s faces.

Tony felt a cold hand on his arm and jumped, surprised. He turned his head to see who was behind him and saw again a pair of deep green eyes and the jet black hair. The young doctor gave him a warm smile and gestured to him with his other hand, which was holding a file, to move into the circle of chairs and take a seat. Tony nodded and when the man took his hand away, both of them moved forward.

Tony sat a chair away from the strange loner guy, who was still watching him with his mouth agape and his eyes bulging. The girls didn’t seem to bother joining them in the circle. They knew they should, they were now just too busy whispering about Tony. He figured this one out by the fact they too were staring at him with their eyes wide open.

He swallowed and looked down at his fingers, twisted in his lap.

“Girls, could you join us, please?” the soft familiar voice called.

Tony didn’t even bother to look up when they mooched over to join the rest of the group. He pulled a face as one of them sat down on his left and another took up a chair directly to his right. He barely stopped himself from sighing aloud. He could sense everyone in the room was looking at him, causing an annoying sting at the back of his neck. It was mostly why he still hadn’t raised his head. He didn’t want to see their eyes and confirm his suspicions. He was afraid of what he could see there. He already saw too much of what he didn’t want to see in Pepper’s eyes. He heard the doctor clear his throat.

“Good morning group. My name is Loki Odinson, and during your detox I will be supervising your group meetings. I must warn you, if you think you can avoid the treatment and somehow cheat the system – for example, if you’ve somehow managed to smuggle the drugs through the security check – I will know.”

Tony raised his head at that, his eyes meeting with the doctors. He couldn’t read anything specific from those green orbs, which frightened him more than if he saw accusation.

“Now,” Loki said smiling lightly, changing the atmosphere in the room from serious to light in a blink of an eye, “I’ve introduced myself, and so I’d like you all to do the same thing. I know it won’t be comfortable for some of you, so let’s just say our names for now. You will stay in this group until your last day, so we’ll have the time to know each other more.” His smiled went a little bit wider. “Who wants to start?”

He looked over everyone without once changing his expression. He gazed at Tony a second longer than at the others, which made the billionaire flinch a little on his chair. A second was enough for the man to make Tony feel like he was under an x-ray. Tony felt completely transparent, like the other man knew all his deepest secrets. It was a most uncomfortable feeling.

No one said a word. The girls, who seemed not be able to _stop_ talking before, were now sitting in their chairs looking everywhere that wasn’t at Loki. The other guy had lost his awestruck expression and was now gazing down at his thighs, occasionally glancing at Tony from the corner of his eye. Were they really all going to act like they were back in middle school again?

Tony sighed heavily, audibly this time. He shifted in his chair until he was comfortable, his knees pointed away from each other, his elbows resting on his thighs. He looked down, checking that his arc reactor wasn’t visible to anyone, and then raised his head to give the rest of the group a _see-I’m-a-grown-up_ look.

“My name’s Tony and I’m here ‘cause my friends think I have a problem,” he said, loud and clear.

Every pair of eyes immediately set on him again. He used all his free will to not roll his own in response.

“So you _don’t_ think you have a problem,” Loki said slowly, stating the obvious.

“Even if I do, it’s my choice to have it, and I can handle it myself,” was Tony’s reply.

Loki eyed him for a long moment before grabbing the pen and writing something down in the file lying on his lap. “Why have you agreed on coming here, then?” he looked at the billionaire questioningly.

“Well…” Tony knew the answer to that question, and surely the doctor did too. What Tony did not know was if he wanted the rest of the people know the truth. He thought about this for a few minutes in full silence, everyone waiting for him to answer. Finally he decided what was safe to say. “They made me.”

It was the safest answer. No one would ask how they made him, and why exactly. Well, probably all of them knew why, but still, the whole trial thing had hopefully passed by them unnoticed.

“I know your pain, man,” he heard the guy on his right. He turned his head to see him nodding with understanding. “My mom once made me eat all those small sprouts from Brussels.”

Tony didn’t know if he should laugh or cry at that statement. Instead, he just slowly nodded, confused, and turned his gaze back to his hands. One of the girls smirked loudly and whispered some mean comment to her friend in the guy’s direction. That made two other girls laugh, and the sound was one of the most annoying ones Tony had ever heard in his life.

This was just getting better and better.

After that the mean girl introduced herself. Her two friends did the same right afterwards, and then the weird guy was the only one left. The way he twitched when Loki asked him to do it told Tony he was scared of talking aloud now that he had been laughed at the first time he spoke. Only after Loki’s reassurance that everything really was okay and that no-one else would laugh, did the guy finally say his name.

Tony realized he probably should bother to remember the names of the people in front of whom he’d be talking about his problems, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Instead of listening to what they had to say, he glanced at Loki from time to time, thinking about the man and imagining what he was like as a person.

Who would call his son Loki? That was the first thought that had appeared in his mind as soon as he turned his sense of hearing off. He must’ve had a really hard childhood with a name like that. No kid would leave someone named Loki alone. Tony started wondering if his fellow patients were thinking the same. Personally though, he hadn’t come up with any tease worth remembering with regards the unusual name.

He took the opportunity whilst someone else was talking to study Loki. He couldn’t exactly place the doctor at any definite spot on earth. Nothing about his face was giving Tony any clue about whereabouts he or his ancestors came from. After staring at him for quite some time Tony began thinking there was something unearthly about his features. He had no idea where this thought had come from; it had simply popped out in his mind and now wouldn’t budge. Judging by his accent Tony would have said the man was from England, or Australia maybe, but something told him these weren’t the right places.

The engineer frowned, glancing away from Loki at long last. He was full of mysteries, and Tony didn’t like mysteries, especially the hard ones. The stronger the secret was, the more difficult it was to get to know it. And this green-eyed man was full of secrets. You can only imagine how much Tony wanted to figure him out.

He got distracted when he saw everyone in the circle except from Loki standing up. He nodded briefly at them as they all said goodbye to him and left the room. Tony made to leave too, putting his hands into the front pockets of his hoodie and standing up, when he heard Loki say: “Anthony?”

Tony pulled a face at the sound of his full name. The last time he heard it was from Howard’s mouth where it was used in between words of critique, as was always the case with his father. He slowly turned around to looking at Loki with one eyebrow raised.

“I thought we agreed earlier I would show you around the place?” Loki smiled lightly, standing up from his own chair, the folder under his arm.

“Huh? Err…” Tony remembered the events from two hours ago and nodded absently. “Right. Almost forgot.”

Loki gave him a friendly smile, so different from the ones of the other employees that he hated. “So, you’re coming?”

Tony looked at him standing outside the room already.

“Yes, yes.”

Tony hurried after him, following his every step. Firstly they stopped by Loki’s room, where the doctor left the file from today’s meeting. Tony frowned, as he waited on the landing of the same floor that his own room was on. Was it normal for the doctors working here to live in the building? The engineer had never heard about therapists living at their workplaces. It made him wander if Loki had a family, and if yes, then why was he staying here? If not, it was still not easy for him to understand why Loki would want to live in a clinic when there were some perfectly nice properties to rent around the area. Why would anyone choose to spend their spare time around all these fucked up people, now including Tony, over one of those? When Loki came back to him, a minute later, Tony simply smiled and followed him down the stairs.

Loki showed him all the rooms where the therapies took places and explained every level of advancement in the available treatments. The higher the level, the less of it per week you needed. Often groups were smaller at the end than they were at the beginning. Often lack of money was the problem, and they couldn’t afford the rest of the treatment. Some managed to run away. Some didn’t require the top level therapies.

Tony listened to Loki as they passed through the common room and the dining room and began to understand why the man lived here. He talked about all his patients like they were his colleagues or his friends, and he was concerned about them. The way he talked about his responsibilities made Tony think about his robots and other inventions. Loki loved what he was doing here, just like Tony loved building new machines and repairing things. The engineer didn’t even realize when a small smile crept onto his lips halfway through the guided tour.

When it was finally over, Loki walked Tony back to his room.

“Dinner will be at 7p.m, but if you get really hungry you can just walk into the kitchen and they’ll give you something to eat,” Loki was saying while Tony was searching his pockets for the key to his room. “We don’t want you to starve,” he laughed.

The engineer just smiled at him, at the same moment finding his key. He was about to walk into the room when he felt a cold hand on his arm again. He looked up, and found himself staring straight into the dark-haired mans eyes. “Y-yes?”

Loki looked at him, those eyes filled with sadness and concern. “I know you have drugs here.”

Tony froze.

 _This_ was totally unexpected and Tony had no idea what he should do or say now. _Was_ there anything to say or do? The look on Loki’s face made him feel just as guilty as he had last night. Loki wasn’t disappointed in him. He was just… sad. It was the exact same look he would have expected from Pepper.

“I won’t tell the security,” Loki said softly. Tony looked at him in confusion, frowning. “But also I won’t stop them from searching your room again if they so wish. I saw your friends yesterday. Do you really think they would put themselves through all this pain and toil if they didn’t love you and need you to get better?”

Tony felt his face twist in shame. That was not okay. Loki wasn’t allowed to pull out Pepper and Rhodey. It’s not like the engineer wasn’t hurting himself enough with thinking about them already.

“I--,” he started, but his head was empty. For the first time in a very, _very_ long time, Tony Stark didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know you yet,” Loki, admitted, still looking at Tony with sadness. “But just for the sake of the people who do… _Try_ to get better.”

Tony pulled a face, guilt tearing him apart. He heard Loki speak again.

 “C’mon.” The other man pointed his head at the stairs. Tony gave him another confused look.

“What?” he stumbled.

“You still want to make that call, don’t you?”

Another unexpected thing. Was this guy playing some kind of game?

After a few seconds Tony simply nodded and followed the young man down the hallway, stairs and over to the reception counter. Tony just stood next to Loki as he spoke to the woman behind it. She gave him a skeptical look when he told her to give Tony the phone, but after his soft persuasion and assurances she agreed. Tony was handed the phone and Loki gave him a small nod. The billionaire moved to the far end of the counter, his back to Loki and receptionist, and slowly, with shaky fingers, he dialled Pepper’s number.

He placed the receiver over his right ear and listened to the signal on the other end, his heart racing.

First ring. Tony breathed out heavily.

Second ring. Maybe she’s busy? He shouldn’t have called her now, she’s probably busy—

Third ring. There was a small crack and Tony heard Pepper’s voice.

“This is Virginia Potts’s voicemail. I can’t pick up the phone right now, be so kind and leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!”

A short beep signaled to Tony that could record his message, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He wasn’t sure if it was okay to record himself. He didn’t want to be considered a coward because of that. On the other hand, they wouldn’t let him try again later, he was sure of that. He closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his eyelids with his free hand.

“Um, hi, Pep. It’s me. Tony,” he added quickly. “I’m just calling to say goodbye. I was a total asshole yesterday, I know that and I’m sorry. I’m gonna end this,” he heard himself state firmly, “I promise you, I will get better.”

He felt familiar touch on his arm and looked back to find Loki looking at him. “Times up...”

Tony nodded and looked away. “I have to go now; I’m not really allowed to make phone calls. Um… I hope to see you soon. Bye.”

* * *

Tony was back in his room.

He sat on his bed with his legs crossed. He looked down at the small bag resting in his hands with a mixture of disgust and hunger. He remembered what he told Pepper on the phone just an hour ago and he was going to keep his promise. He just needed to make himself do one small thing.

Except it was harder then he thought.

He was fucking terrified of detox. He was terrified of how he would function without this white powder. He wasn’t sure that he’d be able to function at all. If he’d get through detox without turning into a zombie.

He had been through so much in his life, he’d even lived through a fucking live operation on his open chest without any medications in a fucking cave, and still he was so afraid of pain that only the thought of going cold turkey was enough to make him shiver with fear. He knew he _had_ to do it in order to keep his promise, but there was still this thought at the back of his head that maybe, _maybe_ just a little bit of this and that now and again wasn’t really a bad thing, if it stopped the pain inside.

This was foolish thinking, he was fully aware of that. And right then, on his bed, it struck him that Pepper and Rhodey were right from the very beginning. He _really_ needed help. If he was having such dumb thoughts that were totally contradictory to each other, then there must be something really wrong with him already. This fucking drug had taken control of him and his whole life and he, Tony Stark, was only beginning to notice the implications of this.

He cursed aloud and stood up from the bed, squeezing the bag of meth in his hand. This had gotten way too far already. He needed to do this. For Pepper, for Rhodey.

For himself.

He inhaled painfully and looked down at his hand holding the bag, his fingers clenched into fist, and gritted his teeth.

The worst thing about this was the unknown. He didn’t know how painful the whole process would be, how long would take for his system to get rid of every toxin, and he had absolutely no idea how he would react to the inevitable pain.

Tony thought back to the operation Yinsen did on him in Afghanistan. This would be as painful as that, probably fitting in at around the same level of agony, but it would also be a totally different thing. There would be no shrapnel, no heart to save and no Yinsen to help him. He was going to be alone, most likely holed in this room, in no immediate danger, thinking.

And thinking was no good for him. Thinking was what hurt the most.

Tony closed his eyes, still standing next to the bed, and went through all the thoughts he had had from the moment he’d arrived here.

This was rock bottom. There was no other way to crawl up again, other than throwing the meth away and letting himself fall prey to the pain and anger detox was going to bring. He really did have no other choice.

With his teeth clenched and hands curled into fists, he entered the bathroom and stood in front of the pan. He raised the seat of it and fell onto his knees. Slowly, he looked into the hole filled with water and held his hands above it. He opened the bag and spilled the whole contents of it into the water. Then he let go of the bag and flushed quickly before he did anything stupid. He sat on the floor, his back pressed to the doors of the shower cabin, and buried his face in his now empty hands.

He closed his eyes and first thing he saw was Pepper’s face. She was smiling at him the way she smiled when he walked out of the plane with Rhodey after he was found in the desert. He held onto to memory and stored it carefully in his brain, right at the front, because that expression on Pepper’s face meant she was happy, and he felt that with that in his mind he could take on anything that awaited him now.


	5. IV. Duality

The pain was almost as unbearable as what he felt during the operation in the caves.

He clenched his teeth and hands into fists on the sheets of his bed to stop the scream from escaping. He almost bit his tongue off in the process. His eyes were shut, every muscle in his body was tense and still he couldn’t get rid of the excruciating pain that filled every inch of him.

One doctor came to him. He was so blinded by the pain he couldn’t even tell if it was Loki or someone totally different. When he heard the word “painkiller” his body screamed. He wanted to say yes so fucking much. He wanted to stop feeling everything. Hell, they could give him cyanide if they felt like it. He surely felt like it. All he wanted was for this pain to be over.

But he said no. His free will was tested right after that, when the guy asked if he was sure. He was barely able to repeat the statement and then was left alone again.

He wanted to go through this alone. Without any help, or painkillers to relieve the agony. He felt like it was the only way for him, and that he didn’t deserve the help. After all, he was just a spoiled man, who could have literally anything in life, and still he had failed. He knew what people thought of him, he shared these thoughts himself from time to time. More often in the last few weeks.

All of it just made him want to show them he wasn’t the guy they thought he was. He wanted to show them they were wrong. They must be wrong.

He bit down harder into the sheets, feeling a wave of even stronger pain course through his body. Every time he thought it couldn’t get any worse, the waves rushed through his every nerve, making him tremble on the bed. He even screamed once or twice, failing in keeping his mouth shut.

He was wet from all the sweat and tears leaving his eyes every once in a while. He wasn’t ashamed of them. It’s not like anyone was watching him. He sincerely hoped there was no one who _could_ watch him now, he didn’t want anyone to see what he was going through.

When the wave disappeared he raised himself onto his arms and exhaled heavily. Slowly and carefully he pushed his body onto all fours and then sat down on the bed, letting his feet touch the ground. He was shaking terribly and still sweating, the damp soaking through his clothes onto the bed.

He was aware that waiting for the pain to go away was the only thing he could do now. He knew that, and yet he wanted to do _something_ to make it more bearable. Anything. He couldn’t just lie there on the bed, unable to move. He needed to…

What?

What did he need? To move?

Maybe that was it.

Tony slowly lifted his eyelids and looked around the room. It was so small; the feeling of a prison came back to him now. It was almost like he was imprisoned again. Though now it was even worse than the last time. The cave he was held in was twice as big as this room and he didn’t feel the pain after waking up from the operation.

He never thought he would say this, but right now this situation was for him even worse than the one that took place in Afghanistan.

He stood up from the bed just for the sake of moving and yet another wave of incredible pain washed over him. He fell on his knees and blacked out almost immediately.

* * *

He was standing in the school grounds. The college building was in front of him, large and magnificent. He felt fear rising up in his chest, making his guts shrink a little. He watched people older than him pass him by on their way to their classes and he fisted his hand on the bag hanging from his left arm.

He’d promised himself he wouldn’t make Howard ashamed, but he felt this day wasn’t going to end well. Simply because he’d forgotten about his project for his electronics class.

He looked down on his light bag which was empty save for his unfinished blueprints for U and seriously considered bailing the classes. Not only the electronics. He was tempted by the vision of an extra free day. He even started planning in his head what kind of changes he’d make on the U scheme.

He gave a last look to the building in front of him, turned on his heel and walk out from the college grounds.

Almost immediately he made his way to his favorite coffee shop, a few alleys away. He entered the place with a small smile on his lips and inhaled the glorious aroma of coffee. He walked to the counter and caught the eye of the red-haired girl behind it.

“What can I get for you?” she asked, looking back at him kindly.

“Black coffee,” he said, noting her with interest.

It was the first time he saw her here, and he visited the place very often. It was usually here where he worked on his U blueprints. He looked straight into her bright blue eyes and felt his cheeks go warm.

“Something else?”

He shook his head quickly and threw a dollar bill onto the counter without saying a single word. The girl told him to wait by the table and he sat at his usual corner, as far from the rest of the customers as possible. He took out his blueprints and spread the sheets in front him with a pencil in his hand.

A few minutes later he was so focused on his work he didn’t notice his coffee being placed in front of him.

“What is it?” he heard a voice.

Tony looked up and saw the red-haired girl staring curiously at his blueprints. He sat up straight and felt his cheeks go warm – and red – again. He inhaled and exhaled quickly and looked away from the girl. “It’s just a project.”

“Of what?” she asked and sat down on the chair opposite him. “It looks complicated. Did you do all of this yourself?”

He nodded and glanced at the papers in between them. “It’s really not as complicated as it looks. When you finally understand it.”

He heard the girl chuckle and sent her questioning look.

“You’re funny,” she said. Tony raised his eyebrows. That was the first time a girl said something like that to him without her voice sounding mocking. “Where do you study?”

“MIT’’  he answered, taking his coffee in his free hand.

“Aren’t you too young for that? You must only be about my age,” she said, frowning.

“And how old are you?”

“Fourteen,” she answered simply. “And you?”

“I’m fifteen,” he said taking a sip from the cup.

He was afraid of her reaction. Students at the college were laughing at him, mostly because he looked grotesque among them and hated him whenever he was better than the rest of the group at certain classes. The last one was happening often, given the fact he was Howard Stark’s son, and Tony didn’t want to let him down. He was studying harder than anyone else in his year because he simply wanted to make his dad happy. There was a reason why he’d been sent here so early, and his dad going through a lot of talking with the director played a big part in it. It was more than unusual when a fifteen-year-old was attending a college. And not just any college. It was MIT, you needed to be a genius to get in and even bigger genius to finish it.

“Wow, that’s just—wow,” she said looking at Tony with her eyes wide open. “You must be really clever.”

“I guess so,” he said, still not looking at her.

What if she was just joking and really thought of him as a weirdo? Why shouldn’t she? He _was_ a weirdo. Growing up with Howard Stark as your father meant you could either become a clever kid or a dropout rebel; Tony had had his choices laid out large and clear.

He’d picked the hard way.

“You guess so? I wish I could have your brain!” The girl was still talking to him, and moving her finger over one of the lines he made on the blueprint.

He finally looked up at her and saw she wasn’t kidding. She really didn’t think of him as a weirdo. He smiled with relief and he reached out to her.

“I’m Tony.”

She gave him a surprised look, but a second later smiled and shook his hand.

“Pepper.”

* * *

Tony woke up on the floor right next to the bed. The feeling of pain all over his body came back to him, a little weaker than it used be. Slowly, he got on all fours and tried to climb back on the bed, but failed miserably. He repeated the trial and somehow managed to get on the mattress, clutching onto the sheets. He fell on his back with his eyes half closed, staring up to the ceiling.

He’d  never really recalled his first meeting with Pepper. He didn’t need to – since their introduction meeting they’d taken to seeing each other at least two times a week. Always in that coffee shop. And always with U blueprints lying on the table in between them.

If only he could, he would smile right now at the memory, but he still had his teeth clenched. This was one of not so many happy moments he had during his first year at MIT. Most of the time he was dealing with humiliation from fellow – and older – students.

He remembered an overwhelming fear through most of that time of his life. He’d been scared of attending the classes just to be pushed around, called names and thrown paper balls at. Scared of failing the tests and projects. And scared of talking to his father, because those kinds of conversations mostly ended up with “You’re not trying hard enough, Anthony. I know you can do more” or “You’re better than them, don’t pay any attention to what they’re doing. They will stop.”

The point was that they never stopped. Even when he was in his senior year. By then most of the students didn’t pay any attention to him, that was true. They were too busy with their own stuff, but even so there was one particular group of bullies that simply hated the fact Tony was doing better than them. That was the only explanation he could come up with, since they always attacked him harder when he proved he was smarter than them.

After every incident like that he went to Pepper. She was always there to comfort him. She made him feel better and not so much of an outcast. When he was leaving the coffee place, it was always with a small smile on his lips and his mind ready to do the impossible.

Tony turned on his side and curled up into the ball on the mattress, one hand still clutching the sheets. He shut his eyes and tried to concentrate on anything that wasn’t the pain.

It was weaker, but still very hard to bear for him, and he began to think he’d die in this small room, with only strangers around him and none of his friends by his side.

This thought hurt more than he ever suspected and he curled up in on himself even more. He felt his knees on his forehead and fisted his hand feeling the nails dig into the flesh.

Another wave of pain almost made him bite off his own tongue. His eyes rolled inside his skull and he lost consciousness again.

* * *

Tony stood on the green grass of the cemetery grounds. The sun was almost gone on the horizon, but it wasn’t cold. It was California after all.

He looked at the big stone lying on the ground in front of him, above the two coffins with his parents inside, and felt warm tears streaming down his face. He didn’t try to stop them; it was what he supposed to do.

He _was_ supposed to mourn his parents.

The problem was, all he was seeing was his mother’s name, not his father’s. He looked at the five letters carved into the cold dark stone and felt his tears streaming down even more. He dropped down on his knees heavily and just looked at the sign, the place where his mom was.

He raised his hand and placed it right over the death date. He just couldn’t look at it; it made him even more devastated than he already was, if that were even possible.

He lost her because of plane crash.

Plane crashes were one in a million, why was his mother’s plane the millionth one?

Tony buried his face in his hands and started sobbing loudly. He didn’t really care if anyone saw or heard him. All he cared about was his mother, and now she was gone.

Howard’s face suddenly popped out right in front of his eyes. He was disappointed, as usual. But why? Because Tony was mourning Maria more than him? Or maybe it was the fact he was crying, showing his grief and weakness at the same time, in a public place? Which one was it?

_Why, dad, why are you disappointed in me?_

“Because you’re not responsible, Anthony!” Howard shouted.

Tony was standing in his father’s office, right in front of the desk his parent was sitting behind.

It was one of these fights again. Tony was about to receive his PhDs and all Howard was talking about was…

“I want you to take over the company after me, but with this kind of behavior I can’t see that happening!”

“What kind of behavior?!” Tony shouted back at him, curling his hands into fists.

Howard hit a desk with his hand. “Running around with girls? Every night a different one? This is not an image Stark Industries CEO should have!”

Tony snorted, smiling venomously. “I’m twenty, dad! I am allowed to have some fun!”

His father stood up from his chair and laced his hands on the desk, leaning forward. This was not a good sign. In fact, Tony knew he was in big trouble now.

“This is not _fun_. I understand the appeal of parties, and even alcohol. I know how you kids play these days, but your actions are not “fun”.” Howard gave him an angry look. “Fucking everything that moves? And using drugs next to that? No, Anthony, that is _not_ what I call fun.”

Tony took a step back, staring at his father, shocked. “Who told you I’m using --?”

“That’s not the matter here,” Howard shook his head shortly. “I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I’d have to put my son in a rehab facility.”

Tony exhaled and inhaled a few times before answering. “You won’t have to,” he said quietly.

“Won’t I? How can you assure me, Anthony?” his father looked at him wearily. “I don’t understand why you do all that. What happened to you?”

“Ex-excuse me? What happened with me?” Tony took on his defensive barrier. “Oh, nothing. Just constant absence and lack of approval from my fath—“

He stopped when Howard’s fist hit the desk. “Don’t you dare to say that to me.”

“Why?” Tony laughed. “Truth hurts, huh?”

He never knew when to keep his mouth shut. He’d been born lacking that ability.

“You know everything I did was for your own good.’’ Now Howard wasn’t even looking at him.

“You were looking for Captain America under the ice for the half of my life _for my own good_?” Tony replied mockingly. “That’s a good one, dad, really.”

He could see in Howard’s eyes how much the mention of his long lost – and most likely dead – friend hurt him. Tony would never forgive him for comparing his own son to some dead super hero that came out from a bottle. Even if the guy was honorable and kind, Howard had no right to do that. Never.

And that hurt Tony more than anything else his dad had ever done.

“Ever since I was seven I’ve been trying to be like that guy. And it’s all because I wanted you to talk about me with as much of respect and love as you talk about him. And this was WRONG!” he shouted. “I was never supposed to want to be like him just for your approval, dad!”

Howard stood behind his desk, speechless. He looked at his only son with shock and the deepest sadness Tony had ever seen in anyone’s eyes. And it hurt so much to know he made him feel like that.

Tony just turned on his heels and ran out of his father’s office without looking back.

“So, I thought I would find you here,” he heard the familiar voice and a hand on his arm.

He blinked a few times, coming back to reality, and wiped the tears out of his eyes with his hand. He then looked up to find Obadiah looking down at him with sadness.

“Felt like I should be here, you know,” he explained himself.

“Of course,” his father’s friend said and crouched next to him, his bodyguard behind them. “You shouldn’t be alone, though. You’re now the heir of Stark Industries, you’re important.”

Tony sighed and shook his head. “You’re the CEO, not me. I’m not important.”

“Oh, yes you are,” Obie said and extended an arm around Tony. “C’mon, I’ll take you home, it’s getting cold.”

Tony stood up without a word and followed the man into his car.

* * *

A silent scream escaped his mouth as the wave left his body, weak and flat. He felt wetness on his temples.

Tony  refused to think about his father.

Not know, not when “the situation” was actually coming true. After all that happened, Tony had ended up in a rehab facility. But it wasn’t Howard who’d put him in.

_NO!_

He shook his head violently, adding the pain on his neck to the long list.

He was NOT going to think about Howard. It would only make everything worse, like it used to for the last two months. He didn’t need it to be harder and more unbearable. He was barely hanging on as it was.

He needed something to hold on onto, not pull him down into the black abyss of the pain and insanity he was threatened with by his own mind. He needed to stay normal, he needed to get through this.

For Pepper and Rhodey.

And for himself.

But at that moment, he just couldn’t find anything worth living through the pain for. Even Pepper seemed unworthy of this, now that he was struggling so much because of her decision.

He felt everything so strongly at that moment. He felt blood pumping through his veins, his system getting rid of all the toxins he freely filled his body with. It hurt so much, like his blood was filled with razors that cut through the walls of his veins one by one.

If he were only able to move, he would search the whole room for something that could make his agony stop.

He wanted to die. The peace of death was the only thing that was present in his mind at the moment. Peace and the ability to not feel a single thing, or emotion. Just a sweet nothing.

He lay on the bed, trying to breathe deep enough, thinking about everything and nothing at all. Finally, he felt the pain fade a bit, enough for him to move. He stood up from the bed slowly and walked towards the shower, every step shaky and weak. When he finally reached the cabin he let the water flow and sat down at the bottom of it, forgetting to close the door.

It didn’t take long for his clothes to get wet. His hair covered half of his face but he just didn’t have enough strength to raise his hand and brush it away.

This time the pain came suddenly. There was no warning, no wave, anything. He arched his back up and greeted his teeth, letting out an uncontrollable scream. He hit his fisted hands into the plastic walls on his both sides and then placed them on his face, pushing his palms into his eyes.

Blackness took over him later than he had wished for it.

* * *

The whole place was dark. He couldn’t remember the last time he was surrounded by such darkness, if he ever was. What was even worse was the fact that the place was cold and he felt this with every shiver going through his body every few minutes. And he was sitting in front of a fire.

He looked in the flames clutching the car battery in his arms and feeling the magnet in his chest. It was cold, just like the cave, and Tony supposed that was the reason he couldn’t get warm.

Fucking thing.

That was the worst situation he had ever got himself into. He couldn’t believe he was daring to run away from these insane people. But there was also no way he would build Jericho for them. He just couldn’t.

How could he bring doom to his own country after doing everything in his power to allow it to win every war and battle?

But, was there any other way?

And where did they get all of his weapons anyway?

 _How_ did they get them? Was there a black market in his own company? Or maybe it was someone from US Army that was selling them?

Either way, there was no good answer for any of these questions. Tony was going to die here, with his weapons in their hands, because there was nothing he could with them. How he could do _anything_ , when he was in that kind of state?

Maybe now was a right time to die. Let them kill him fast ,and without the pain he had so much in the caves. No one was going to miss him, just his fortune and weapon ideas. The world would live on without Tony Stark. Long happy lives. Pepper would find a new job, with better conditions. Rhodey would still serve for Air Forces, and maybe will even get promoted. And Obie would take care of the company. He’d been doing a great job since Howard’s death, he would do even better now.

 He heard a movement behind him and a man started speaking before he came into Tony’s vision.

“I'm sure they're looking for you, Stark. But they will never find you in these mountains.” He showed on Tony’s side and sat down not far from him. Yinsen saw his expression and sighed. “Look, what you just saw, that is your legacy, Stark. Your life's work, in the hands of those murderers. Is that how you want to go out? Is this the last act of defiance of the great Tony Stark? Or are you going to do something about it?”

Tony started talking before the man finished the sentence. “Why should I do anything? They're going to kill me, and you, either way. And if they don't, I'll probably be dead in a week.”

The words hurt him so much, he barely stopped a grimace of pain showing off on his face.

For they were the truth. The magnets wouldn’t last forever. He’d die, sooner or… even more sooner. It was a matter of days. He was aware of that, but it still felt unnatural and painful just to think about it. Even when he tried convincing himself it was fine.

There was a sort pause and he heard Yinsen’s willing voice.

“Well, then, this is a very important week for you, isn't it?”

Tony looked at him in surprise. What had he meant?

He looked back into the flames but instead of a warm orange and red he saw bright blue. He blinked a few times, but the blue wasn’t going away. The color seemed awfully familiar, and at first Tony couldn’t catch the memory of it.

Then it struck him like lightning.

_Of course!_

The next day his and Yinsens cave was full of the kidnappers bringing all the stuff they needed. Tony had finally seen something that could take both of them away from here, destroying their – his – weapons on the way.

He started working almost as soon as they were left alone. He knew the cameras were working all the time, but until the very end they would think Tony was building Jericho missiles. At least that was the plan.

After few days Yinsen put a miniature arc reactor in his chest. The blue glow gave Tony hope, that maybe, _maybe_ , everything would end well.

“Good. Good roll. Good roll.”

Yinsen grabbed their provisional dice and shook his closed hand before throwing it.

“You still haven't told me where you're from,” Tony said casually.

He grabbed the cube and waited for the man to make his move in the game.

“I'm from a small town called Gulmira,” he replied, watching Tony throwing the dice. “It's actually a nice place.”

Tony smiled and made his move. “Got a family?”

“Yes,” Yinsen said slowly, playing the game, “and I will see them when I leave here. And you, Stark?” He looked up at him with a small, tight lipped smile. The only smile Tony ever saw him do.

He looked at the man and smiled back sadly. He then grabbed the dice and focused on his move. “No,” he said finally.

“No?” Yinsen actually sounded surprised, which made Tony smile a little bit wider. He stopped, when he heard his companion’s next words. “So you're a man who has everything and nothing.”

It was a simple statement, but it still made Tony stomach clench.

It was true. He had a fortune, he could buy himself anything he wanted. Family was the one thing he couldn’t buy.

Not that he wanted that.

He lost his family and once you lose things they were never coming back. That was the truth.

Then why did he feel guilty, like he told a lie?

He didn’t have a family. His mother and father were long dead, and none of his relatives were in touch with him. He didn’t tell a lie.

Did he?

* * *

Loki was walking around the building from lack of anything else to do.

His whole group was going through the fifth day of the detoxing process. That gave him lots of free time for working on their files and thinking about future discussions topics, but he just couldn’t concentrate on his work, mainly due to the screams filling his ears every once in a while.

It was a normal thing to hear in a place like this. Every single person that decided on their treatment in this facility was screaming - loudly or more loudly – in their first week. The process of their organisms getting rid of all the toxins wasn’t easy. Loki could only imagine how painful this actually was.

He, himself, had never fallen into an addiction. He’d never let himself do so, it was too low for him.

Addiction was something he’d despised while he was on Asgard. That was how he was taught. _Only weak people let themselves fall into an addiction_. Asgardians were above such things. In that realm it was all about showing your strength. If you showed a weakness, you were doomed. That’s just how things worked there – the stronger you are, the bigger respect you received.

Here, on Earth, he started looking at addiction as a disease. A disease as dangerous as cancer, or AIDS. It was so common in today’s world. He could walk down any street in the city and he was sure he would pass a lot of people who didn’t even realize they had an addiction. Nowadays, people could get addicted to almost everything. Starting from coffee and cigarettes, and going all the way to sex and food.

“Disease of the age,” he whispered to himself as he went up the stairs heading for his office.

He’d automatically made his ears more vulnerable to individual sounds. He told himself it was because he wanted to know personally how his patients are doing. Especially one patient.

Loki visited Tony one or twice a day, every time when the billionaire was in some way conscious. Both times Loki was convinced the man didn’t know who was with him in the room. Even when he asked him if he wanted to be given some painkillers. Both times, when Tony had said “no”, Loki was startled.

Tony was in pain. Maybe in more pain than the rest of his group. His addiction had a psychological basis. From talking with his closest friends and co-workers, Loki knew the man couldn’t handle anything more emotional than sex for one night. In those kinds of cases, the pain was magnified by the feeling of loneliness, being abandoned, or hurtful memories.

That was the case with Tony. When Loki sat in his cabinet and closed his mind to anything but Tony, he could hear the man whisper the names of his closest friends and family with pain. Once or twice he heard a name he couldn’t recognize from any of the talks and notes. Now, it was written on small note that was lying on the top of the papers in Tony’s file.

Anthony Stark was the most interesting case Loki had had the privilege to watch and take care of. His background, life, behavior… His whole package was intriguing enough to pique Loki’s curiosity. The events in Afghanistan made the billionaire someone the god just couldn’t let go. Not when he was dropped right into his lap. Loki couldn’t wait to start the therapy with him. He was even more anxious about their private sessions.

He knew they were going to be something worth remembering.

Loki was almost by the door to his office when he heard a steady breathing from Stark’s room.

He stopped in his tracks and listened. The breathing didn’t change. It wasn’t quickening, it wasn’t slowing down, it was… normal.

He turned on his heels and moved quickly back to the stairs. He stopped on top of them and waved at two male nurses sitting downstairs. The men immediately ran in his direction while he went to Tony’s room. He opened the door and headed straight for the bathroom. He found the billionaire sitting under the shower, his clothing wet from the water running down his body. He walked quickly towards him and stopped the water flow.

“Here,” he said loudly, when he heard the nurses hurry in the room.

The men walked into the room and Loki stood to the side as they took Tony in their arms and slowly went with him into the bedroom to lie him down on the bed.

Loki followed them and stood on the side of the bed, leaning over Tony’s  face.

“Anthony,” Loki called softly, and smiled as the man started blinking.

When he finally opened his eyes, Loki thought he never seen anyone more tired. Even Odin didn’t look that tired, when Loki saw the paintings from the battle with the Frost Giants.

“How are you feeling?” one of the men asked.

Tony pulled a face and let out a silent curse through his teeth. “Like shit,” he replied, his jaw still clenched. Almost like he was afraid the pain would come back.

Loki smiled a little bit and looked him straight in the eyes. “Do you need anything?”

Tony looked back at him and Loki could swear he smiled for a short moment. “Coffee-- would be nice,” he said, finally unclenching his teeth.


	6. V. A Better Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for such a long time without an update. There was Christmas and then I had no internet for like, two weeks ;x I'm afraid this is not the last time, since I just started writing next chapter. I was busy with my other oneshot, but I'll try my best to add next chapters faster than this one, I promise.
> 
> Beta'd by Sarah, as usual :3

Tony got his coffee, and a few minutes after he was finally able to sit on the bed.

He still felt awfully tired and every muscle of his body ached, the shadow of what he went through. He briefly tried not to show it, then realized he didn’t actually care if the men around him noticed. After all, they worked here; they must be used to sights like that.

Loki sat on the chair on the left side of Tony’s bed with a slight smile on his lips. Tony couldn’t help but glance every few minutes to see if the expression was still there. And it was. He had no idea why the doctor was so happy about him finally getting clean, but figured he was simply worried about his patients; he probably sat by the bed of the rest of the people from his group as well.

At least that’s what Tony was telling himself. He felt good about the fact that the man next to him cared about him, even if it was just a normal doctor – patient relationship. Since there was no Pepper or Rhodey around him, he was not one to be picky. Tony Stark loved being the center of attention and he was going to use and take from every occasion he had.

When he finally took a sip of his coffee, it tasted like liquid life. He immediately felt better and the pleasant warmth that surged through his body made him shiver and smile at the same time. He took another big sip and leaned into the pillow behind him. Ah, yes, that was just perfect.

“How long did it take me to…?” he didn’t finish the sentence. It was harder then he thought to actually say the word. Tony cursed in his thoughts and looked at Loki.

“This was supposed to be your fifth day,” he answered and smiled a little wider.

“Five days?” Tony said, startled, and looked wide-eyed into his coffee cup.

“That was how long your body needed, and it’s good.” Loki stood up and placed a hand on Tony’s shoulder. It was a little colder than Tony remembered. “At least your system got rid of all the toxins.”

Tony just nodded, pressing his lips together, and kept staring down.

That was longer than he thought it would take. He hadn’t been an addict for a long time (if he counted just the time after his return from the desert – time before that was just “for fun”) and it still took him as long as an average junkie to get clean. It made him feel worse. Like he was weak. He didn’t like to feel like that about himself. He wasn’t weak. He’d been through a lot in his life and he was still living to the fullest – that wasn’t a sign of weakness.

Yet still, he’d been comatose for five days.

Loki squeezed his arm a little harder, as though he could see or hear what was going on in Tony’s head. Tony ran a finger around the top of the cup, wondering if Pepper had answered his message. He was about to ask Loki if so when one of the nurses walked into the room. She was breathing heavier than usual, which meant she had to run to get here.

“Another one of your patients woke up, Dr. Odinson,” she said in between breaths.

Loki just nodded and signaled the other two men to follow their co-worker.

“You’re not going to check on them?” Tony asked, looking up at him.

“I am about to,” Loki answered. And then smiled again. “But I have a message for you.”

“Message?” Tony frowned.

“From Miss Potts,” the doctor said and Tony froze. “She wanted to tell you she forgives you and hopes you’re doing well. And she’s going to visit you next week.”

“Really?” Tony asked with a glimpse of hope in his voice.

“Yes,” Loki replied. “Now, excuse me, I need to check on my other patient.”

He nodded his head to Tony and left the room without looking back.

* * *

Tony spent another day in his bed, getting over the detox and all the pain. When they finally let him get up it was still painful for him to move. Every time he moved he felt his muscles spasm, which resulted in loud gasps.

He was under strict observation. Every hour a male nurse came into his room, checked on him and helped out with anything Tony needed – if necessary. Tony’s pride tried to stop him asking for help, but sadly there were times where he just couldn’t refuse the arm held in front of him. He hated the fact he was so wasted. It wasn’t a surprise for him, but still, he hardly ever needed help from anyone else other than JARVIS, and he felt weaker every time he had to give in.

Loki didn’t show up again. Tony tried not to think about this but couldn’t help but wonder why the doctor wasn’t coming to check on him personally. He didn’t want to admit it, but he liked to feel the look of Loki’s green eyes on himself. It made Tony feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, so every time an image of the doctor’s face came into his mind the billionaire would shake his head, sending a jolt of pain down his spine and directing his thoughts on something entirely different. Like new projects.

Tony came up with a  few good ideas during these two days he spent in his room, recovering. On the ninth day of his stay he walked down to finally join the rest of the patients in the common room. No one looked at him when he entered the big space. He was grateful for that, he still looked like shit.

There were few people around at this time of the day, which was after breakfast. Two men and a woman were sitting by the tables on the left side of the room. Every table had five chairs and everything was made from a light brown wood. It seemed they were used during the meals, too. There were a few plates left on a few more tables. In the middle stood the pool and football tables. Right behind them was the door for the back garden. At the right, by the wall with the entrance, were standing desks with computers that looked twenty years old in comparison to what Tony had in his workshop.

Finally, at the right far corner stood a big plasma TV with dark brown leather couches and armchairs in a half-circle in front of it. When Tony went closer he saw there was a coffee table, made from the same wood as the tables on the other side of the room, with plates of sandwiches and fruits on it.

He noticed one of the arm chairs was empty and headed to it, sitting down with his teeth clenched so as not to let any painful sound escape.

There was no one sitting there so he grabbed the remote from the table along with a banana and turned the TV on. MTV popped out on the screen and he immediately changed the channel, skipping the boring ones, looking for the Discovery Channel.

It drew the attention of these few people sitting at the tables behind him. The woman looked at the back of his head and then at the TV, pulling a face. The two men followed her gaze. One of them raised his eyebrows at the screen and the other one looked at the woman knowingly. All three of the stood up from their table and started walking into Tony’s direction.

Meanwhile, Tony was sitting in his armchair, biting on the peeled banana, and staring at the screen with relief. These nine days without science had been a torture, excluding the detox. He didn’t even move as the men and woman sat down on the couch next to him, one glaring at him with mild annoyance.

“You are really going to watch this?” he heard the female voice pout, and looked up at the owner.

She was skinny, too skinny for his liking. She was wearing a too big shirt and jeans and had her blonde hair pulled into a ponytail behind her head. “ Yeah, why?” he replied, biting the fruit in his hand.

“Well,” she started “it’s boring?” She smirked, as though stating the obvious.

Tony snorted. “It’s not boring to me.”

“But it’s about some weird machines!”

“That is the point, missy,” he said, looking back at the screen.

“Hey,” said one of the men, the one who looked taller, but was topped by his friend.

“You’re a mechanic?” asked the other man.

Tony raised his eyebrows, surprised, and looked at the three of them. “Am I a mechanic? Really?”

They looked startled. “Well, that’s what I thought when I saw you watching it. Was I wrong?”

Tony blinked a few times. Did they really have no idea who he was?

Then he remembered, he was in his room, locked, and he hadn’t shaved since he got here. He raised a hand and touched his jaw. It was covered in thick hair that probably made him look like a homeless man. He smiled under his nose and looked at the people next to him.

“I guess you can say I’m a mechanic,” he said finally.

“You must be a damn good one,” said the taller one “if you can afford a stay here.”

Tony laughed out loud. “Yeah, I am.”

All three looked at him, frowning, but after a second they just shrugged it off and started talking between each other again.

The whole day passed peacefully and without any other conversations with the rest of the patients. Tony just sat in his armchair with the remote in his one hand and sandwich or some fruit in the other. After dinner he was surrounded by more people, mostly because he was watching the news. There wasn’t anything particularly interesting – Tony was never the one to be involved into politics or cataclysms; he just donated money when it was necessary and made new weapons when the request came in. Of course, he was done with weapons now.

After the world news the camera moved onto the guy who usually talked about stock market. On the screen behind him Tony saw the logo of Stark Industries and sat up a little straighter in his seat.

He never cared about the opinion of stock specialists. If he did he would be suffering from neurosis long before now. Pepper was the one who checked their actions a few times daily – Tony never knew why so often. But seeing his name on TV was a different thing. If they showed his face while talking about SI the people around him might realize who it was that was sitting among them.

Of course, he knew the trial had been one greatest events in the media this year, and his failure was even greater. But no one knew what had happened to him afterwards, at least that’s what JARVIS told him. For all they knew, Tony could be in one of the famous European facilities. He definitely didn’t want people _here_ to know he was the famous Tony Stark.

But then again, was there any point being so cautious after his group meeting? Those three girls had probably told everyone they’d since spoke to who’d they met, and it was just a matter of time for Tony to be recognized, even with his homeless looks.

So, why was he getting so paranoid at the sight of his own last name on the TV screen?

The truth was, Tony was ashamed of being here at all. He knew full well it was all his own his fault, but that still a failure for him. He’d got himself addicted so much that he needed help of someone other than JARVIS. That was the biggest failure Tony had faced in his entire life. And exactly what Howard had foreseen for his only son so many years ago.

It probably hurt him so much mainly _because_ of Howard. The day he heard about rehab from his father’s mouth, the last time they talked, Tony was determined and plain _sure_ this would never happen. Even after his father’s death he wanted to prove to himself his father had been wrong. And even though Tony used drugs from time to time - sometimes more often when he was constantly partying – he’d been convinced it would never have come to this.

And here he was now, sitting on an armchair, surrounded by other junkies after almost five days of detox. Exactly what Howard had been so certain of.

Tony had failed himself and his father, and even though he hated his father, he’d never wanted to fail him.

He stood up, not even looking on the TV screen where the stock specialist still stood talking, and left the common room. He walked up the stairs and stopped on the floor of his corridor, thinking.

He wanted to be alone in his room, but there he would have nothing else to do but think. And it was his thoughts that had made him leave the place downstairs. Maybe he needed to talk to someone? But to who? He knew no one here, not counting Loki and…

Loki.

Tony turned and looked straight at the door of doctor’s office. It was locked but he knew the man was inside; he lived here. Tony frowned and stared at the door as though he wanted Loki to feel he was outside, and for  him to walk out and ask Tony in. There was no other way he would enter the office, only with Loki’s invitation. Or by appointment. He would never walk in there just because, it felt wrong. And needy.

He turned around and hurried into his own room. He locked the door and fell on the bed, burying his face into the pillow.

 _That was so stupid_ , he thought when he turned on his back with a silent gasp of pain.

Going to Loki at this hour was just dumb. Tony felt shivers of shame and moved uncomfortably, pulling a face. Why should he even go to him? He was a stranger to Tony, and the fact he was a therapist here didn’t mean anything yet.

The first person Tony should think about was Pepper. Or Rhodey. Yet, it was the doctor that came almost immediately to his mind when he felt in need of not being alone with his own thoughts. This was wrong for Tony on so many levels.

He sat on the bed and rubbed his closed eyelids with one hand. This wasn’t making anything easier. It was supposed to be a downhill roll after the detox, not an uphill struggle.

Tony cursed himself in his thoughts. He didn’t even know for what, he just felt he needed to. It still didn’t stop the stream of thoughts in his head.

“Shower,” he said aloud. He stood up from the bed and entered the bathroom. “A hot shower is what I need now.”

He took off all of his clothes and stood in the middle of the cabin letting the water flow over him.

It worked, he wasn’t thinking about anything.

* * *

He opened his eyes and blinked a few times to make the blurred vision go away. Slowly, Tony raised himself on the bed, sitting with his face pointing down, and breathed heavily.

The nightmare was back. Since he threw his meth supplies into the toilet he had nothing to keep it away. Now he was facing the pain and fear of his operation in the caves over and over every night. Each time he woke up he was too tired to stay up, so he’d go back to sleep – only for the nightmare to begin again.

He rubbed his eyelids and slid his bare feet from under the sheets onto the floor. The contact with a cold surface sent unpleasant shivers through his whole body. He gritted his teeth and stood up, going into the bathroom. After few minutes he walked out, completely naked, and opened his wardrobe to take some black jeans, pair of boxers and a band shirt.

Dressed, he went downstairs to the common room to have breakfast. He still hadn’t shaved so without anyone looking at him he walked through the room to the counter in the wall, where his breakfast options stood. He went with scrambled eggs, toast and a cup of hot black coffee. He picked the table as far from the rest of the people as possible and started eating.

The second group meeting was scheduled for today. He didn’t really how he felt about it. First, there was the strange and unfamiliar feelings he experienced at the thought of seeing Loki again, which was the dumbest thing. Every time Tony thought about the man he felt this weird sensation in the pit of his stomach that made him want to hug everyone around him. Then there was the fact that he would have to talk more about himself, even more than the last time and… he wasn’t sure if seeing Loki was worth of going through something like that.

Yes, he was a self-centered, narcissistic bastard, but that didn’t mean he liked to talk about himself all the time. Well, he did, but not in the way Loki would want him to talk.

In the interviews they were asking about his work, current relationship status and that was all really. From time to time one of the interviewers asked him something about Howard or his childhood. He never replied with more than one sentence. Why should he say more? Howard was dead, and his own childhood died when he entered MIT. There was not much to talk about.

Loki, on the other hand, would _make_ Tony talk about Howard and his early years. And it would be in front of unknown people, who may use the information after they leave the facility. Tony couldn’t have that.

He ate the last bite of his toast and drank the rest of his coffee, before placing the dishes on the correct counter to be cleared away and walking quickly back to his room without talking to anyone on the way.

He sat on his bed for over an hour, waiting for the time to meet Loki and his fellow junkies from the group. He spent it thinking. What should he say about his father? That he was never home? Never wanted to play with Tony and remembered his every failure, mentioning it whenever he had the opportunity? That would sound childish. He’d make himself look like a spoiled kid, who didn’t get the attention he wanted to get.

When the time finally came, he left his room, locking the door and hiding the key in his jeans pocket. He walked downstairs to the place of their last session. Again, everyone was already there, not counting Loki. He picked the chair he was sitting on last time and stretched his legs in front of him.

“Dude, you look like shit,” said the weird guy, who was sitting at the same chair too.

“Thanks,” Tony replied, smirking.

The girls, who were standing not far behind them, joined them in the circle. The taller one who seemed to be the leader of the other two looked at Tony and gave him a pitiful look. “God, shave yourself, mister.”

He didn’t have the time to reply before he heard the sound of the door closing. He stiffened in his chair, pulling his legs closer to him and placing his hands on his lap.

Loki slowly reached the circle and sat down directly in front of Tony, placing exactly five folders on his crossed legs. He gave Tony quick smile and looked at the rest of his patients. “How are you feeling today, guys?”

“I feel just awful,” said the blonde girl almost immediately, sending the doctor flirty look. That made the billionaire clench his fingers into fists. When he realized what he was doing, he crossed his arms on his chest to try and hide the aggravation. “They don’t seem to know the term ‘vegetarian’ here, and all I had for breakfast was a cup of coffee,” she sighed.

The weird guy snorted. When she gave him an angry look he straightened up in his chair and made a serious face. Tony rolled his eyes at the situation and shook his head slowly, looking down at his thighs. Well, of course he had to land in a group like this. It was impossible for him to be in a group with people his own age, or at least that acted like adults. He just had to deal with these kids. It was definitely not going to make his stay here any more bearable.

“I will talk about this with our chef, Ashley,” Loki assured her politely. “And you, guys?”

He looked at Tony first, meeting the eyes of the billionaire for a little longer than a second. Tony moved in his chair uncomfortably and stopped his breathing until the man looked over at someone else.

_This was so awkward. And why was that?_

“Luke?” Loki looked at the weird guy.

“I’m cool,” he said, shrugging. “I’m clean, and feel weird with that, but it’s normal, I guess. So, yeah.”

Loki smiled at him and opened his folder to write something down.

To be honest, it was weird he was doing this in front of them. Normally, at least that’s what Tony always thought; the therapist would talk with their patients and write down everything they noticed after. This way there were no unnecessary questions and nervousness. Here, Loki was sitting with them in one room, talking to them and writing down stuff the moment he noticed it. Tony wasn’t sure if he was the only one feeling uncomfortable about that but he wasn’t going to ask the man why.

Someone else did it for him.

“What are you writing there?” the blonde girl, Ashley, asked.

“What Luke said,” he replied, closing the file.

“Why?” the guy asked. “It’s so important?”

“Of course,” Loki placed his gaze on him, looking professional for the first time. “Just the way you said how you feel told me you are comfortable with the fact you’re clean and you don’t see anything wrong with this. Every addiction is dangerous and hard to leave behind, but you are on a good way to live your future drugs-free. And I think you are completely okay with that.”

Luke looked at him, startled a little bit, but after a second he smiled and just nodded.

“If you’re feeling uncomfortable with me writing during our sessions, I won’t do that again,” Loki said after a minute of silence.

“Yeah, that would be great,” Tony replied and felt all eyes on him.

Loki just nodded, looking him straight in the eyes and placed the folders on the floor next to his seat.

Everyone’s gazes were still fixed on Tony and he was starting to get pretty nervous. He didn’t like that kind of attention, if he was honest with himself.

Everything was different here. Normally, he enjoyed every moment of someone being interested in him. He’d spend the longest time entering some gala just to have paparazzi take pictures of him. He loved the interviews, even if they were for the scientific magazines, because that meant him talking about stuff he liked and maybe even loved. This meant him being in the center of attention for a few seconds longer than anybody else and of course Tony Stark loved that.

But in this facility, every second of someone’s attention meant that he was doing something wrong, or otherwise it made them consider the state of his mental health. All he really wanted from the very first day was for everything to be over as fast as possible so he could get back to the life he knew and loved.

Because he loved his life before Afghanistan. He wanted the old himself to be back as much as Pepper and Rhodey did, maybe even more. But did he really have to go through _this_ to get back there?

While he was thinking, Loki started talking with the rest of the group, glancing at Tony every few minutes. He wasn’t aware of this until he heard the word family leaving the mouth of one of the other blonde girls. He looked at her, still not listening, and frowned. He disliked this word. It had no meaning for him, even though Maria was the best mother he could ever have. Still, family meant for Tony mother _and_ father, and the latter he’d never felt he really had.

He spent the whole session sitting quietly and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Still, when he was leaving the room he felt weird with the fact Loki was looking at him so often. Even weirder was the fact Tony couldn’t name the exact feeling he had every time he saw those green orbs glaring at him with unidentified purpose behind them.

He closed the door of his room, resting his back against it and remembering one of the looks he received today, thinking what it could possibly mean.

* * *

Another day.

And another group session.

This time Loki came without any files under his arm. His kind smile became mischievous in Tony’s eyes as soon as he saw the spark lighting up Loki’s expression. Somehow he knew this was all about him and it didn’t make him feel better.

That night he had had a nightmare again, and felt like shit since he woke up  at 4am.

The billionaire sat stiffly on his chair for the whole five minutes, in which Loki almost constantly had his eyes on him. The spark was still there, making Tony feel more and more uncomfortable. The worst thing was, he was starting to suspect what was causing it.

Yesterday everyone talked about their families. It was why he heard the word said by one of the blondes.

Tony spent whole yesterday evening thinking about it. What was a family to him? Who did he consider his family? Was it Howard and Maria or maybe just Maria? Was it okay to exclude his father, even if he wasn’t the one to be a family guy?

Or maybe Pepper and Rhodey were his family? A twisted family, the weirdest one ever, but still a family?

Tony thought about them for a long time. Considered every possible answer to those last two questions. And he came up with one sure conclusion: they cared for him, as best friends were supposed to and, in Tony’s eyes, this made them his family.

But was it okay to his mom? This one was burning his insides with guilt. His father, not as much, but he still felt a little bit guilty, when he thought about not considering him in the answer to the question Tony was probably about to hear. He decided to hear the question first, and then think about the answer.

That was a good plan.

So many unknowns. That was the reason Tony constantly avoided thinking about family. He wasn’t sure what was his definition of this word, how he could possibly answer a question about it?

He sat in his chair, going through his thoughts again; staring right at Loki, who was asking the rest of the group some normal shit. He wished he could talk about something normal with them, too. Like detox. That was normal topic here, probably. He could talk about that. About the pain and the feeling he was about to push his eyeballs inside his skull as a distraction from the other pain. _Freaky_.

“Anthony,” he jumped on the chair when he heard familiar voice saying his name. He looked at Loki with mixture of fear and surprise, which made the man smile little wider. “You need to answer my question.”

“Which one?” he replied nervously, trying to look casual.

Everyone was looking at him again, and he cursed loudly inside his head. If _this_ was going to be the same every session, he’d end up crazier than when he came in. No kidding.

“What about your family?” Loki repeated the question from yesterday in kind voice, but Tony could swear he heard a hint of curiosity there, too.

“My parents are dead and I don’t talk to my other relatives,” he replied quickly, feeling more confident.

“And what about close friends?” Loki asked, leaning into the back of his chair. “Can some of them be considered a family?’’

_Well, fuck._

“Uh—“ he said, feeling his brain go into panic mode, what the hell, he should say to that? “Uh, I guess so,” he stumbled.

“Who put you in here?”

Tony looked at him, startled. He knew exactly who had placed him in here, why would he…

“My best friends.”

“Why did they do it?’’ Loki shot another question, his smile growing wider and wider with every minute.

“Because they were worried about me,” Tony answered slowly, getting quieter and quieter with every word.

“They meant well.’’

That wasn’t a question.

“They want you to be okay, so they did everything they could, no matter the consequences, to help you.” Loki spoke, and looked at Tony seriously. “That is even better than a family, if you ask me.”

Tony just stared at him for a while and when he finally recovered, he smirked and crossed his arms on the chest. “Well, you just answered your question for me, doc.”

Loki laughed and sent Tony an amused look. “I guess I did.”

* * *

On his sixteenth day of treatment Tony woke up with a smile on his face. The reason was obvious and easy to guess: today he could finally have visitors.

He had no idea if Pepper would be alone, but he didn’t really care. She could bring half of SI headquarters, for all he cared, he just wanted to see her again. He wanted to finally talk to someone with normal problems, like a broken heel or lack of anything to do while their boss is on rehab. He was getting tired of talking with other patients.

Not that he talked much with them, he avoided the common room as much as he could, but he had to eat, right? He couldn’t sit in his room for whole entire days, because the employees would suspect something. So, he was at the common room for meals and for an hour or two to watch some science programs and news, trying hard not to talk to anyone there.

It was hard, because when he finally shaved people surrounded him like paparazzi did most wanted celebrity of the season. _Everyone_ wanted to talk with the famous Tony Stark. Anywhere else and he would love the situation, but here…

He came to the conclusion he just hated the place, and once he was out of here, he’d never be back. Never ever. And he would not talk to anyone whom he met during the rehab. He wanted to get it done as fast as possible and forget about everything.

Even Loki.

Or maybe not?

When his thoughts came to this one man, Tony started feeling bad with what he felt about the place and its patients. And Tony wasn’t sure if he wanted to end his acquaintance with the doctor. Because he was sure there would be an ‘aquaintanceship’  by the end of his stay. Tony wanted to know more about his therapist and was determined to do everything to find out as much as he could. This was kind of ridiculous and immature thinking, but since when Tony was mature? Exactly.

The first thing Tony did after waking up was go downstairs to talk with the receptionist about Pepper. The blonde girl sitting behind the counter welcomed him with a kind smile on her lips and gave him all the information he needed. This way he found out Pepper would be arriving in the afternoon, and they would be able to talk wherever they wanted. Tony thought about this ability and went to the common room for breakfast, thanking the receptionist.

He sat down at his usual table with a cup of coffee in one hand and a tray of food in the other. He was still not used to the fact that the whole room was watching him while he ate, and felt uncomfortable doing so. He ate his scrambled eggs and a toast as fast as he could, and left the place with a cup of coffee.

He went for a walk in the garden and once he was there, he didn’t regret his decision.

The place was beautiful. Full of green trees and bushes that marked the paths leading inside the garden. Tony picked one of them and started walking, just looking around with astonishment. There were all kinds of flowers he could possibly know – and most of them he did not know. At this time of the year all of them seemed to blossom, and the place looked just amazing. He never seen so many colors in his life, apart from his computer screens in the workshop, and despite the amount and diversity his eyes didn’t hurt from watching.

Tony walked on this winding path for a long time until, after passing through one of the turns, he stopped. There was a white wooden bovver just few meters ahead of him. It was surrounded by thickly growing trees and bushes and ivy was all around its columns and roof. Tony watched for a while and decided to see it closer. He took a few steps and stood inside looking all around it and up. It was octagon-shaped, and every wall – apart from the entrance one – had boards ending up somewhere around the height of Tony’s waist.

“Wow,” he said quietly to himself, walking to the one of the half build walls and placing coffee cup on it. “I might like this place a little bit more now.”

He sat there until lunch, and came back to the building just to hear Pepper informed the receptionist she’ll be here in an hour. Tony sat in the common room, excited about the meeting and watching MTV. He didn’t really look at the screen, all he was able to think about was that he will see Pepper soon. And he knew he was going to take her to that place he found this morning.

When the hour finally passed, the blonde girl walked to his armchair. “Mr. Stark, your friends just arrived,” she said smiling to him kindly.

People sitting around him who had finally stopped staring at him started watching him again. He didn’t care about them now. He was already rising from his seat and following the girl trying to keep a wide smile from spreading on his lips. He would have time for smiling later.

“Tony!” he heard the familiar voice and Pepper was already hugging him, making it hard for him to breathe.

“H-hi, P-pep,” he stumbled, returning the embrace, but not as strong.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she backed out and looked at him worried. “I didn’t mean to… I’m just so happy to see you.”

“Same here,” he replied, finally letting a small smile appear on his face. “Who did you bring with you? Rhodey?”

The tall black man showed up right next to Pepper. He was smiling, which was a good sign. Rhodey smiled only when he really had a reason to. “Good to see you, Tony.

They both walked towards each other and had a brotherly hug.

A the same time Loki came to the receptionist. He looked at Pepper, who gave him a small nod. He returned it, and sent Tony a smile, when he saw the billionaire was looking at him.

He decided to ask his friend about this later. Now, they just needed to go to the place, where they could talk freely.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Tony said, turning his back on Loki and walked out of the building, followed by his friends, still feeling doctor’s look on his back.


	7. VI. What The Water Gave Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand, private sessions begin! ;)
> 
> song for this chapter can be found [here](http://theskyofsunshinea.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist)

All the way to the bovver Tony almost flew above the ground from all the happiness that was filling him. These two weeks of waiting seemed to him like months, and when he finally saw his two best friends – _his family_ – he couldn’t help but act like a child who had arrived at an amusement park with their parents and was allowed to see every single attraction there.

He kept asking them questions, one after one, without waiting for an answer. He wanted to know everything that took place outside the facility and what wasn’t said in the news.

Something changed in him the second they reached the bovver. He stood right before the steps and got quiet. He felt Pepper’s and Rhodey’s gazes on him - the shiver on his neck was making it pretty obvious. He placed his right foot on the first step. It was followed by the left foot a second later and he turned to sit down there, face first to his friends.

They seemed to feel the same anxiousness as Tony. Both of them were just standing awkwardly in front of him, looking everywhere but each other. Finally, after a few minutes of silence even more awkward than the one in the car, when they were bringing him in, Pepper made a small step towards him and smiled warmly. “So,” she inhaled heavily, “how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” he shrugged. “Better now.”

She made a few more steps and sat down next to him, placing her purse on the ground. Rhodey remained in his place, watching everything with a little frown.

“You look better, too,” Pepper said quietly and grabbed Tony’s hand in hers. “Like my favourite boss.”

The engineer laughed at that and squeezed her hand gently.

“I’m not happy to admit that, but-“ he sighed heavily, wincing. “The therapy helps me. The talk with Loki and everyone else. It’s—nice, I guess.”

Rhodey’s eyebrows rose up at that. Tony glanced at him from the corner of his eye and could see his friend was relieved. The same feeling was written in Pepper’s blue eyes, and he couldn’t help but wince again at that.

All the thoughts he had since he found out about the trial made him feel like a total idiot. How could he ever doubt in their friendship? Of course, they had to be tired with this situation, but when it came to him, they were always doing everything to help him. Always. No matter what it took, pleasant or not. And the trial was one of these unpleasant things for all three of them.

He breathed heavily before breaking the silence that had fallen after his last words.

“I—I want to apologize.” He looked up, first at Pepper and then at Rhodey. “For everything I did. I’ll probably keep doing some stupid things, when I get out, but I will never touch drugs again.” He moved his gaze at Pepper and started talking just to her. “I’m so sorry for what I said back at the mansion, when you tried to explain everything to me. I’m so, so sorry.”

He could feel his throat clench more and more with every word, his voice getting shaky with every sentence he spoke. But he kept talking anyway. He needed to tell them how sorry he was for bringing chaos and trouble with his name into their lives. He did everything he could to not cry in front of them, cause that would make it just worse to bare, for him _and_ for them. He didn’t want to be weak in front of people that meant so much to him.

Pepper inhaled sharply and then threw herself at him, sobbing into his arm. He hugged her and tried to calm her down, saying that everything is okay and there’s no need to shed tears. After a while she sat back and looked at him with her red eyes.

“I’m so happy to have you back!”

There was so much happiness in her voice Tony couldn’t help but smile widely. She smiled as well, wiping remains of tears with her hand.

Tony inhaled slowly and turned his gaze at Rhodey, who was still standing in his spot. He hadn’t moved a single bit. Rhodes was one of these men who didn’t like to show their feelings. He wasn’t good at it, but was still better than Tony. Even if this situation showed it differently. Rhodey had his own way of dealing with these things, and so far it was working great for him. The engineer, Pepper and his colleagues knew him so well all it took was his look and they knew exactly what he was feeling.

This time was no different.

Tony looked at his best friend’s straight face and eyes that said more than words ever could. He rose up to his feet, leaving Pepper, who was watching them carefully. He walked towards Rhodey and wrapped his arms around him in a brotherly hug. He felt Rhodey giving it back, almost crushing his ribs. But it was okay. The most important thing was his friend was no longer mad at him.

Tony took a step back after a while and couldn’t keep a wide smile from appearing on his face. He was just so _happy_ that everything between his friends and him was okay. He felt his heart swell with all the happiness. He felt like he could fly.

And all of this was thanks to Pepper, Rhodey and Loki.

Loki was able to make Tony talk about his family. He made Tony talk about lots of things he refused to talk even with Pep. These were small things, nothing personal. After the topic of their families Loki was keeping the themes in the public sphere. Like he didn’t want them to be forced to reveal secrets in front of other people.

Tony had no idea if every therapist had this kind of tactic with their patients, but he was definitely glad Loki had it.

He suddenly remembered the looks Pepper and him exchanged, when Tony came up to meet them. He wandered what was it all about, but decided to ask about it later.

He came back on the steps of the bovver, sat down next to Pepper and made Rhodey come closer to them. When his friend sat on the lowest step he started repeating the questions he had asked them on the way here. It just now he did it way slower. They were talking and talking for what it felt like hours. He kept smiling all this time, listening to his friends’ stories.

When they asked him about the detox, his smile weakened, but still was visible. He hadn’t told them how he felt during the four days of his body getting rid of all the toxins. But he told them about the dreams he had. Until now, they had no idea who put the device into his chest and when he was telling them about Yinsen they looked at him with mix of curiosity and what felt to him like pity. But he didn’t mind that. He expected no less from anyone who would hear this story. It was mostly why he hadn’t told them before. But now he had nothing to lose.

They had talked for an even longer time, when Tony finally asked about his company.

“So, how’s SI doing?” he glanced at Pepper with a smile still plastered to his lips.

Her own smile faded away and she started moving uncomfortably. She was also avoiding the eye contact with Tony, which brought him to only one possible conclusion. “They’re plotting against me.”

At that she finally looked at him. Nothing in her eyes told Tony he was wrong. Nothing. She was just staring at him with mix of fear and guilt. He couldn’t understand both of these feelings. Why would she be scared? And it wasn’t her fault the board started to make their own decisions, when it came to the company. Tony was out for a third month now, they would do that sooner or later.

He saw at corner of his eye how Rhodey flinched uncomfortably at the silence that fell between them. That made the engineer’s brain think some more.

“What are their plans?” he asked Pepper, keeping his eye on his best friend.

Pepper winced and started talking slowly. “Obie told me he was doing his best, but without you around-“ she inhaled heavily. “They want to bring Stark Industries back in the business. They want to launch weapons manufacturing again.”

“They what?!”

Tony didn’t remember standing up. All he knew was that he was sitting in front of Pepper, shocked, in one second and the next he had started walking around inside the bovver, anger filling him.

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything for a few minutes. All he did was open his mouth and close it again after a second. Again and again. Everything he did to somehow cover his sins was now about to come back, because he was stupid enough to _fall into an addiction_? If that was a punishment for his bad doings after his comeback, it was well thought out and definitely too rough.

“They can’t do that, can they?” he looked at Pepper, when he’d finally calmed down enough to stop and talk.

She winced even more and dropped her gaze on her lap.

“I checked everything. When you’re not capable of ruling the company, either because of health reasons or anything else, Obie is the one who makes all the decisions. And last time I talked to him—he said he will agree with the board,” she finished quietly.

“FUCK!”

Tony raised his hands and fisted them on his hair, pulling from all the anger.

This can’t be happening. Obie can’t do that, Tony didn’t close weapons manufactures just so they could bring them back as soon as he’s out of the picture. That was not the fucking point! Which part of “ _I don’t want to have people killed from our weapons anymore_ ” didn’t they understand?

The lack of possibility to do anything was making him even more angry than he already was. Until he was out of here, he couldn’t do anything but sit comfortably in the armchair and watch everything go back to business on the TV screen. He couldn’t let that happen, but at the same time he knew he couldn’t do a single _thing_ to stop the process. By the time he’d be out of the facility every weapon production company would be up and running.

Rhodey’s hand on his shoulder brought him back on earth.

“Tony, calm down-“

“I _can’t_ calm down! They’re going to bring everything back and there’s nothing I can do about it!” he shouted at him.

“Tony, maybe they’re ri-“

“Oh, shut up,” he grimaced, looking at his friend and shaking his hand from his shoulder. “You weren’t behind me in this decision from the very beginning. It’s not just another stupid idea of mine. I _can’t_ have the weapons back, James.” Tony sent him a painful look. “I was hit by one of my own  missiles, for God’s sake. Somehow terrorists get their dirty hands on _my_ weapons and closing the manufactures is the only way to stop them from doing so.”

“What?” Pepper stood up from the step and looked at him with shock. “What did you just say?”

“Which part do you want me to repeat?” Tony said with mix of anger and bitter humour.

“The shrapnel. In your heart. It’s—“ she walked towards him and held her hands in his direction like she wanted to hug him, but was afraid of his reaction. “It’s from your own missiles?”

He frowned at her, but after a second dropped his gaze and inhaled, gazing from Pepper to Rhodey and back again to Pepper.

He’d totally forgotten he hadn’t told them about this one detail. He’d pretty much avoided lots of things in his story about what happened on the desert. There was no investigation or anything of that kind in this case, so he could keep uncomfortable details for himself. At least that’s what he thought, when he decided to skip some stuff, while talking with them about this. Now, it was all coming back, and he could see how confused his friends were.

Pepper seemed incapable of saying a word. She stood four feet from Tony in a weird position, with her hands still in mid-air. Her eyes were starting to get glassy again, which meant only one thing. The way her lips were shaking was another teaser of the cry that was seconds away. Tony walked to her and wrapped his arms around her just in time for her to start sobbing into his arm. She hugged him tight and just simply cried.

He made her cry so many times in the past months the feeling of being the biggest asshole in this world was with him more often as well.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he heard Rhodey’s hoarse voice from behind his back.

“I-“ Tony started and he felt Pepper’s hands wrapping him tighter, her sobbing becoming a little bit harder. “Why should I have? It was my fault this whole thing happened in the first place. I guess I was—ashamed.”

“What do you mean your fault?” Rhodey’s steps reached Tony’s ears and second later his friend came into his vision. “What was your fault?”

The engineer sighed and shook his head.

“Nothing. Forget what I said.”

“But-“

“Forget it, James. It’s my problem.”

“Last time you said that we had to go to court,” Rhodey winced.

“I’m clean now, I know what I’m saying,” Tony replied slowly, glancing down at still sobbing Pepper. “Trust me with this one.”

It took them some time to calm Pepper down. When she had finally quietened down, she said nothing. She just eyed Tony until he asked her how they could stop the board. All he needed was six weeks of delay in their decision. Then he would be back in the game again, and could stop their project completely.

He couldn’t understand why Obie had decided to agree to it. Tony always thought about him as a part of his family, a father he never had and who understood him. Stane had taken care of him after Maria and Howard died, and still helped in the company. He was always doing his best for Stark Industries, enabling it to be bigger and better than anyone else. And maybe that was the reason? He must have thought bringing the weapons division back was the best way to keep company in the business.

That was the only explanation that came to Tony, and he refused to think about any other, more deviant, ones.

When they finally came back to the building it was long after lunch and everyone was busy with themselves all around the place. They passed people in the living room and went straight to the reception hall.

The walk there seemed to last forever to Tony. He had finally  met his friends after so many days of being around complete strangers. After all these years of either being stuck for weeks in his workshop or out for a single night he had never felt so alone. And even though he was sure now that everything between him and his friends was almost back to normal, he couldn’t help his heart clenching at the thought of them leaving him here alone again.

The reception looked so dark and unwelcoming when he reached it with Pepper and Rhodey on his sides. All he wanted to do was to grab them by the arms and turn away, go back to the bovver. But he knew this time they were saying goodbye to each other for a shorter time than the last one. Pepper promised to come and see him every week. That was good, it’s what Tony needed to stay… sane.

He looked at his friends and smiled weakly. “Thanks for coming,” he said with sadness in his voice.

Pepper said nothing. Yet again, she just winced and wrapped her arms around him, hiding her face in his shoulder. He hugged her back, squeezing tightly for a second, before he backed away and put his hands into the pockets of his pants.

“Really, thank you. It was great to finally see you,” he smiled again, a little wider this time.

“Bye, Tony,” Rhodey patted him on the shoulder and smiled the same way as his friend.

At that, Tony inhaled heavily. He gave them one last look and turned on his heels, his hand fisted in his pockets.

He felt their gazes on him, but kept walking. He felt like if he turned around he wouldn’t be able to let them go. So he walked straight to the stairs, up to his floor and into his room. When the door finally closed behind him, he clenched his teeth at the pain in his chest and walked towards the bed to just throw himself at it.

The happiness from the meeting was escaping his system way faster than he would like it to. He wanted to be back at the bovver again, talking with Pepper about important and unimportant things, Rhodey watching carefully and smiling under his nose. It wasn’t how their conversations usually looked, but this was a good start. Comparing the fact that he didn’t even want to talk to them at all just a few weeks ago, this was a big step for him.

Normally when someone pissed him off, he never saw that person again. He made sure they wouldn’t get a job or rent an apartment in the nearest states. But with Pep and Rhodey it just had to be different. They were the only family he had left, not counting Obie, and he wouldn’t survive long without them. Besides, visions of himself spending his free time with Obadiah wasn’t on his list of fun things. Not even at the bottom.

Without his friends Tony Stark was no one and that was the truth.

He wrapped his arms around the pillow and lay his head on it, looking at the locked door. It was forbidden to close the door using the key. Looks like they left it in the hole just for temptation, and Tony was never the one who resisted temptations. His car collection was a proof of that. Not mentioning the girls he had in his bed. Because his art collection was mostly Pepper’s.

He laughed quietly at the memory of their last talk about Pollock’s painting. The sound was still loud enough to fill the empty room and his own laugh rang in his ears for some time.

“Good times,” he said to himself, remembering only the good stuff about him and his friends.

* * *

“Mr. Stark!”

Tony stopped halfway to the common/dining room and turned around to see who was calling him.

There was really no one around except for the receptionist, who was now standing behind the counter and waving at him. He frowned and started walking in her direction, wondering what she could possibly have to say to him.

Maybe Pepper called them to say she won’t make it to the meeting this week? Tony felt shivers at just at a thought of this possibility and slowed his pace a little. If this was it, he wanted to put off hearing it as long as possible.

He finally reached the counter, his hands fisted in his pockets and his face emotionless.

The young woman who welcomed him on his first day sat down on the chair with a small smile on her thin red lips. “Dr. Odinson wanted me to inform you your first private session has to be postponed two hours.”

Tony blinked rapidly at that and looked at her, startled. “Our… private…?”

The woman – Amy, if he remembered correctly – chuckled at that and started writing something on her keyboard.

“Yes. Haven’t you read the information on the board, sir?”

Well, that was even more confusing. “What board?” he looked at her, frowning again.

Now she was laughing and shaking her head at him, amused. She stood up and walked from behind the counter. “Follow me, sir,” she said to him and started walking to the wall on the right side of the stairs. “That board,” she gestured at the object, her casual smile back.

Tony just nodded and looked at the sheets hanging there, not paying any attention to her anymore. He could hear the sound of her stilettos on the floor, as he was going through all the notes. It didn’t take him long to find the one Amy was talking about. There was Loki’s full name at the top and under it list of names of his patients with hours of their private sessions next to them and the number of his office at the bottom.

Tony’s heart started beating faster for some strange reason. He read his session was supposed to take place at 3 P.M. and according to the receptionist, Loki postponed that for two hours. Which meant he will see him at 5 P.M. Five hours later than he usually did at the group meetings. He was mad he had to wait so long to see his therapist again, but also excited. It’d be the first time he and Loki were going to be alone since Tony woke up first day after the detox.

Oh, that was very exciting. The engineer felt like something big, something meaningful, would take place at this session.

And he was acting like a teen right now.

He shook his head and turned around, walking into the common room to have some breakfast. He sat at his usual table with a cup of steaming black coffee and plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of him. The room was already filled with voices coming out of the television. The news reporter was saying something about American soldiers and scientists going on an expedition to the North Pole. Tony smirked at that, drinking his coffee.

 _Like they’re going to find anything there_ , he thought.

As soon as he was finished with his meal he walked out of the building and headed to the bovver. It was now in his daily routine. Sitting there was better than being in his room. Thinking there just seemed easier for him.

It was weird, since in his whole life he was always thinking surrounded by walls. Every single idea he had – he came up with it inside. It was like he couldn’t use his brain when he was going out; at least not as much as he normally did. It wasn’t surprising, though. When he was at MIT he had learned he couldn’t use all of his knowledge in normal conversations. People felt… overwhelmed whenever he did, and there where even times when he was hit for using a stream of words only he could understand. So he created a barrier in his brain. Every time he went outside the stone wall in his brain rose up, separating his knowledge from the things normal people knew. And when he was back in his house it was went down again. Hard to process, but once he managed to build that wall and use it everything seemed easier.

And now, here he was, lying on the wooden floor of the bovver, blue sky above his head and fresh air around him. So unlike him and yet… it felt good.

He started looking at the trees and bushes around the place from lack of anything else to do. He didn’t want to go back inside just yet. What awaited him there was just anxiousness either in his room or in front of the TV with other patients around him. He didn’t want to have that. So instead he kept lying in the bovver, his right arm under his head, and he watched how the trees acted with the wind.

Everything was so green, so full of life. Tony immediately started thinking about the processes taking place inside the leaves, branches, trunks and roots. That’s how his brain worked faced with something he knew more about than just basic information. Tony didn’t stop the train of his thoughts and only flinched when his brain showed him the face of his therapist in front of his eyes, when he thought how beautiful the green colour of the leaves were.

That was the end of his peace.

He slowly sat down, leaning his back into the wooden wall and placed his elbows on his raised knees. He hid his face in his hands and started breathing slowly, trying to clean his mind.

Nothing was working, Loki was still present in every thought. Damn, he was the only thought Tony had right now. And he couldn’t get rid of him no matter what.

He growled loudly, feeling how anger was slowly creeping on him and fisted his hands on the air, digging his nails into the skin. He always got mad when he couldn’t control his brain. It was the only precious thing he possessed. Not the money, not the company, not even his friends were as important for him as his brain. Without it he would be no one, who knows how he would end up if he decided to not use the potential of it.

When he couldn’t control it, he felt helpless. He hated that feeling so much, especially after Afghanistan, where for a long time he felt there was nothing him or anyone else could do to save him.

He was breathing slowly, counting under his nose to calm himself down. Thankfully, it worked and he was able to look at everything objectively. At least that’s what he thought.

He saw Loki’s face in front of him again. His deep green eyes that made him strangely uncomfortable every time he looked in them. His pale skin and unnaturally black hair. Tony was sure that it would be soft under his touch, even if it looked like it was wet most of the time. His small kind smile, that had something different in it whenever it was directed at Tony. Those thin red lips, which he licked from time to time subconsciously while he was listening to them.

And this spark in his eye, which made Tony think about small children who played pranks on everyone.

He sighed and shook his head slowly, rubbing his forehead. “I really need to start controlling my hormones.”

He laughed at that shortly and without amusement. Like he was ever able to do that. He never could control himself. Either it was a sexy female or a male model. Gender didn’t matter to him when it came to his crushes.

He shook his head again, fiercely.

Suddenly the common room seemed a great place to be now and the armchair standing in front of the TV was so attractive. He stood up, dusted himself off, and started walking back to the building.

* * *

When the time had finally come for his one to one with Loki, Tony couldn’t help but feel anxious and nervous about the whole thing. He left the common room an hour before the private session and walked up to his room. All of the way he was subconsciously hoping he would meet Loki, which obviously didn’t happen.

He couldn’t sit in one place, so he spent a whole hour walking around his room and trying to keep himself busy, so the thoughts would not bother him. It turned out to be impossible even when he was folding all of his clothes into squares. His whole room was cleaned up, all shiny, after half an hour and all Tony had left was just _thinking_.

So he did just that.

Loki was owning almost every thought. The questions started to rise in engineer’s head, doubts and fears taking over him. What would happen during the meeting? What questions would Loki ask? Should he be a good patient and answer them or ignore everything and just sit there without saying a single word?

The latter was out of question. Maybe Tony was not a properly grown up man, but he surely wasn’t a teen. Ignoring Loki wasn’t possible, even when he tried his best to do so. The doctor had been present in his life every day for a month now, even when there was no group sessions set. Tony was thinking about him more often than he was supposed to, without even realizing it until today.

Now that Tony was slowly making his way to Loki’s office he was doing his best to stop the shivers going down his spine with every step he took. He had no idea if it was because of anxiousness or maybe excitement. But both was making him angry. He supposed to be cool with sessions by now, even the private ones. Instead, he felt like a seventeen year old girl who was about to have a date with a guy she really liked.

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_.

He stopped before Loki’s office and took a deep breath. And another one. And another ten.

Finally, he looked at the watch on his right wrist and saw he was three minutes late. With his heart in his throat he slowly raised his hand and knocked.

There was no response at first. Just silence. Tony frowned and knocked again, harder. The door opened before he was able to lower his hand, so in result it looked like he was aiming a fist at Loki. The doctor smiled at the view and took a few steps back, opening the door wider.

“Anthony,” he said warmly and made an inviting gesture with his hand. “Come in, please.”

Tony nodded at him and – slowly – walked inside the room he was so afraid to enter.

It was the size of Tony’s room, as far as he was able to tell. There was just a desk, a black leather couch, a matching armchair and a glass low table in between them standing on the wooden floor, almost the same as downstairs, outside the front door. There was one window, just behind the desk, which was standing opposite to the door. It was covered in some folders, all closed and described on the front cover. The couch, armchair and table were standing on the right side, with amazing paintings of some winter landscapes and castle above them. The wall on the left was empty, only covered in black paint, with dark brown, wooden door in the middle. The rest of the walls were the colour of grass.

Tony wasn’t sure, but it was probably rare for therapist’s office to look so… good. Even if the colours normally wouldn’t fit, there was a harmony between them in this room, which Tony couldn’t catch yet. All because of the green colour. It was reminding him of Loki’s eyes, just like the leaves of the trees around the bovver did.

When he realized the man he was thinking about was standing behind him, he flinched and turned around on his heels, with a nervous smile plastered on his lips.

“Sit down,” Loki gestured at the couch and passed by Tony, going for the armchair.

The engineer saw there was a clipboard with some sheets pinched to it and a pen next to it lying on the glass table. He grimaced at that and slowly sat down on the far end of the couch. He crossed his legs and looked at the window behind Loki, trying to avoid doctor’s gaze.

“How are you feeling today?” Loki asked after a minute of silence.

Tony saw him bending for the clipboard and decided to speak as little as he could.

He’d thought about this in his room before coming here and decided that was one of his best strategies for the session. It was supposed to help him, yes, but Tony knew what people usually talked about in this kind of meetings and he couldn’t have that. Feelings and emotions were something Tony never was able to talk about and this therapy was no exception. He would not talk about his emotions with a stranger.

He had some doubts, though, if Loki could be considered a stranger to him, but even if there were more to their relationship, Tony would never admit it when it came to talking about _feelings_. He wasn’t able to talk about it with Pepper, who was the closest person to him, so there was just no way he’d be able to suddenly do that with Loki.

No way.

“Good,” Tony said blankly and shrugged, not taking his eyes from the window.

“Could you elaborate?” he heard Loki’s kind voice.

“Nah.”

There was a loud sigh and Tony saw the doctor lean into his armchair, looking tired and bored. He frowned at that and started watching him closely.

That was the first time he actually saw the man with a  different expression. It was always worry or a kind smile, which made Tony pleasantly uncomfortable. Seeing him now was almost like a slap – not painful, but hard enough to bring you back on earth. He was watching him for what felt like hours to him, when really it were just seconds.

He saw the first signs of wrinkles on the man’s forehead as he rubbed it with his long thin fingers. He saw bags under the deep green eyes he was thinking about just moments ago. His pink lips were curved into a grimace that brought only one thing to Tony’s mind – being almost done with everything. Almost.

In a blink of an eye the kind smile was back on Loki’s face, but the things the engineer saw were still there, which made the doctor look like a tired man.

When Loki saw Tony was watching him, he smiled uncomfortably and sat straight in his armchair. Then he shot him a look that said “could you stop that?” and Tony blinked a few times before he got rid of all new thoughts in his head.

“Why you don’t want to talk, Tony?” Loki asked putting the clipboard back on the table.

“Who said I don’t wanna talk?” he replied, trying to play stupid, but he knew Loki saw right through him.

“I do. Because it’s true,” the man leaned his elbows on his knees. “So, what’s the reason of it?”

“You should know that by now doc,” the engineer said crossing his arms on the chest. All this time Loki was looking him straight in the eyes, and Tony was more than not okay with it. He felt the highest level of being uncomfortable since his first day at MIT and it definitely wasn’t pleasant to him. “Could you stop looking at me like that?” he said before he could stop himself.

Loki cocked his right eyebrow up and smiled with this dose of mischievousness Tony knew so well from his eyes. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“Well, yeah. That’s why I asked you to stop, genius.”

The smile he saw on his therapist’s lips was one of the widest and most self-pleased he have ever seen on anyone. Tony felt his eyes going wide as he watched Loki’s expression fade away until his usual “mask” was on its place. Again – in a blink of an eye. Like he suddenly realized what he was doing and corrected himself.

“You still didn’t answer my question, Anthony.”

The engineer winced and looked away.

Howard was the only one who called him by his full name. Even Maria used “Tony” almost all the time, excluding moments when she was angry at him. Anthony had bad connotations to him. Whenever he heard his full name he switched onto battlefield mode and he was not the nicest person to talk to.

There was no difference this time. Just by making this one mistake Loki made him act like a conflicted teenager. Why should he answer his questions that would bring nothing into his rehab whatsoever? If the answers were important to him he could easily find them on the internet or just call Pepper, who would have JARVIS prepare a whole file about Tony’s life.

And so that’s exactly what Tony told him.

He could feel Loki’s gaze on him. He glanced at him from the corner on his eye and saw a dose of amusement and disbelief in his green eyes. He got used to that kind of look, he got it every time he spoke to Pepper about his new invention idea or from anyone who knew less than him. Which basically meant almost the whole of humanity. It’s just – as he realized – Loki’s look was somehow different from the other ones. But Tony couldn’t tell what made it so different, and this made his frustration rise.

“I’d rather hear it from you,” Loki said with his face straight and sat down comfortably in his seat.

“Why?” Tony snickered. “There’ll be no difference. What Pepper would bring you would be way better than my memories.”

Loki sighed. “I don’t need facts, Anthony. I already have those. What I need to hear is your view of your own memories. That’ll help me help you.”

When there was no response from Tony, the man rolled his eyes and made his patient look at him, by waving his hand.

“I have a proposition for you.”

Tony frowned.

That wasn’t unexpected. He knew Loki would probably have some tricks to make him talk and he was curious what the proposition could be. How far Loki was ready to go to make Tony manifest his feelings. He won’t give up without a fight, that was for sure. There was a small war between them and no one wanted to give up.

Loki smiled again, self-confidence clearly visible in his expression. That scared Tony a little. He had no idea what that meant and he despised being in this kind of situations. He didn’t know how to protect himself from what was about to come.

When Loki finally spoke, Tony’s eyes went wider than ever and he seriously started considering giving up.

“If you answer my questions, I will answer a few of yours considering my past at the end of our every meeting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter :3
> 
> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments so far! I'd love to see more of your opinions! ;)


	8. VII. Broadfields

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so SO sorry for the delay, but now you'll get two chapters for the wait.
> 
> As usual, songs can be found [here](http://theskyofsunshinea.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist)

“Huh?”

Loki looked like he was holding back a chuckle and gazed at Tony, smiling mischievously. A smile Tony had never seen on him, which was as scary as it was beautiful.

“I said I will answer one question of yours after our every session. But only if you decide to talk to me.”

Tony couldn’t believe he was considering his proposition.

The fight that was taking place in his mind as Loki watched him with expectation was one of the biggest he’d ever had to go through. There was a part of him that screamed “YES” as soon as Loki finished the sentence. Well, why would he refuse it? The doctor made Tony go insane just hours ago. This was an opportunity to know more about the man Tony was fascinated with. He didn’t have to dig all the info out (obviously JARVIS would contribute to the cyber stalking of Dr Loki Odinson, but Tony would have to wait until he gets out to engage his AI’s help, and that was still a month away). This was a chance for him to know everything he wanted to know about Loki, now, without any big effort on his side.

But there was also a part of him that was pushing away this first thought. Loki was his doctor. A therapist. People shouldn’t get personal with their therapists. It never ended well. There was something about Loki – maybe this spark in his eyes or the smile he was now wearing – that told Tony to hold his distance from the man. He had no idea if the doctor sent these signals out on purpose or if he simply was a dangerous man in private life. All Tony knew was that deep down, he had a feeling that nothing good would come out of this.

But since when Tony was rational?

“Just one question?” he asked, frowning.

Loki nodded.

That wasn’t a lot, but the opportunity was good enough, so he was not going to push his luck.

“Fine,” he said and sat comfortably on the couch, leaning against the cushions. He knew it was just temporary. He was about to tense up as soon as Loki asked the first question.

Loki just smiled and crossed his legs in his ankles, glancing up at Tony. “So, will you tell me how was your day today?”

The engineer frowned once more. He expected serious questions. Maybe Loki was just getting him ready for a heavier artillery?

“It was… good,” he said slowly, looking down at his entwined fingers. “I spent most of it outside.”

“Really?” The interest in the therapist’s voice was more genuine than Tony had expected. “Where exactly were you?”

Tony remembered the place he was spending so much time in the last days and couldn’t help but smile a little at the memory. “At the bovver.” Surprisingly, Loki smiled as though he knew what the engineer was talking about.

The idea of someone else knowing about the place – _his place_ – made him anxious. Of course it was silly for him to feel like that, he surely wasn’t the first person who found it. But the idea of someone else visiting the bovver at the same time as he did… It was simply weird. What if he and Loki were to meet there one day? Would he stay or leave the man alone? Or maybe even ask him to leave?

“So,” Tony started, trying to sound casual, hiding his anxiousness away, “you know the place?”

Loki nodded. “Yes, I go there often. It’s peaceful, don’t you think?” he looked at him kindly. “Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to go there lately. A shame, if I have to be honest. Being there helps me think.”

Another weird feeling took over Tony. Loki just described how he himself felt when he was there, and why he kept going back. Suddenly, the deal between two men faded into the background. He started feeling different. Like someone finally started to understand him. Another stupid thing, considering the bovver could have this kind of impact on everyone who went there.

But Tony had no idea who else was there besides him and Loki. This made him feel… special in some way. They shared something now.

So, he started talking. Loki asked a question and he answered, bringing back memories, the good and the bad ones. Luckily, the doctor asked only light questions. What was he doing at the company? How had his life been before the kidnapping? How he felt as the youngest student of MIT?

No one ever asked Tony these questions, which was a painful realization, when he finally was out of Loki’s office. Answering them was mostly easy and he had no problems bringing back the memories Loki wanted to know so much.

But when it came to the MIT question, things got harder. Tony realized Howard never asked him how was he feeling at the university, if he was okay, and if the fellow students were friendly to him. Hell, he had never asked Tony if he wanted to go to MIT in the first place. When Loki asked about his father, Tony shut down all the memories and refused to answer any of the questions considering Stark Senior.

When he was finally back in his room, he lay down on the bed, face first to the ceiling, and all kinds of thoughts flooded his mind. He placed an arm under his head to lay more comfortably and started going slowly through all the things that took place today.

The alone encounter with Loki was… fascinating. The man himself was getting more and more interesting, and the engineer was sure that as soon as he had JARVIS back, he’d have him search for everything related to his therapist. But Tony wasn’t going to wait until then. He got the opportunity to know some of the things first-hand and he was going to use it. He just needed to come up with the right questions.

“Fuck, I forgot to ask him at the end!” he said loudly, and then smiled to himself.

Loki was a good player. He got around Tony so well, asked him just right questions so Tony’s answers and coming up with them made him forget about their deal. But this would never happen again, Tony would make sure of that.

He started remembering the looks Loki had given him, when Tony was talking about unpleasant experiences at MIT. He seemed to know, what he exactly meant. Every time Tony talked about a humiliation in front of the whole year or even the whole university (which didn’t happen often, but Tony still remembered every single time it happened) the man sitting in front of him winced and looked at him with sympathy. It was hard for him to admit it, but whenever Loki did this, Tony felt slightly better.

It felt so good to have someone else other than Pepper care about him. Even if Loki was getting paid for it.

* * *

Tony didn’t go back to the bovver after the session was over. Or the next day. He spent whole day in his armchair in the common room, watching news and movies. Every now and then he glanced at the exit to the garden. From where he sat he could see the beginning of the path he knew so well, but he just couldn’t bring himself to go there. For some strange reason he thought he might find Loki there and he didn’t want to interrupt him in his thinking.

He was going to have his second private session with Loki just the next day. For the first two weeks of his second month in the facility they were scheduled three times a week, every other day. How it was for the last two weeks, Tony had no idea, but he was hoping there won’t be a big change. Maybe they’ll even add a fourth meeting to make sure he was okay to go back to his normal life?

The weekend was also coming with big steps, which meant a visit from Pepper. He’d seen her just three days ago, but couldn’t help but smile at the thought he would do so again soon. Her updates on everything that wasn’t in the news and about the company were what he looked forward to the most from their meetings. Apart from Pepper herself, of course.

She was also the only person he was able to talk honestly with, without the facade of Tony Stark – playboy and multibillionaire. Whenever someone approached him here, he was all cocky and funny. Not the Tony Pepper knew and Loki wanted to see. He hid himself behind this look so many times, there was a time he struggled to distinguish which Tony was the real Tony. As always, Pepper set things as they were supposed to be. She saved his ass for the thousandth time probably back then.

After that she was saving him more often.

The night was surprisingly loud. He woke up a few times by a loud screams of pain. One time he even understood what the person was screaming. They were begging for painkillers. At first he had no idea what was going on, but when the scream kept going for over a minute it hit him.

There must’ve been new addicts brought to the facility. And now one of them was on Tony’s floor (judging from the volume) and was going through detox. He covered himself tighter in sheets and brought his knees up to his jaw, surrounding them with his arms.

Had he screamed so loud in his first week? Were his screams as full of pain as this person’s screams were?

The unwanted memory came back to him with full force and Tony winced when the shadow of the pain he went through back then flooded through his whole body. He curled up on himself even more, gritting his teeth and hiding his face in his knees. He closed his eyes tightly trying to remember something better than this, but all his mind was showing him were the dreams he was having during his blackouts.

More pain went through his body as he heard the humming of his arc reactor. It’s blue glow was visible even through his eyelids. He almost forgot about this thing. All of these issues kept his mind busy and away while the arc reactor was still in its place, working well and keeping him alive.

He still couldn’t accept the fact there was a device in his chest. Even if it was his own creation, better than what he had built back in the caves, he couldn’t bring himself to fully accept it. Yes, he forgot about it for a few weeks, but that didn’t mean he was okay with it. It was still ruining his life, when he came to think about it more.

He was doomed to wear only dark clothes for the rest of his life. His playboy existence was over, and not that he especially wanted to go back to this part of his life, but no one was able to survive long enough without sex. Especially Tony. For him, arc reactor in his chest meant only quick blowjobs or jerking off.

So not Tony Stark’s style.

And apart from his sex life, he had to keep a secret now. He was never great at that, even when it came to plans for his company. But would he be able to live with a secret this big? Pepper was good at keeping her mouth shut, she had to be because of what she was doing. He wasn’t worried about her.

Rhodey and Obie were more complex. James would tell his secret if he was under orders to. And Tony would not blame him if this happened, but US Army was the last institution he wanted to know about the arc reactor. Not now, when he was out of business. They would surely try everything to use it in new weapons. And they would want Tony to design for them. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life being under the constant fire from the army. No way.

And Obie? After what he heard from Pepper, doubt over his loyalty started creeping slowly into Tony’s brain. If he wanted to give up so easily knowing what it meant to the son of his best friend… Tony was scared he would tell the board about the reactor without a blink if they ordered him to. It was the same case as with Rhodey. The board would probably do everything to throw Tony off the CEO stool and they would bring Stark Industries back to business in no time.

The arc reactor was nothing but danger and complication in Tony’s life. But he loved life too much to take it out from his chest and die.

It took him a long time to go back to sleep after the screams. They repeated a few times more, before his mind was finally free from all the thoughts and he could close his eyes peacefully.

* * *

He couldn’t keep himself away from the exit to the garden. He couldn’t sit in one place so he walked around it, with his coffee in one hand, looking at the path to the bovver. Everyone was looking at him like he was insane or just stupid. The fact he was the famous Tony Stark didn’t stop them, and so after half an hour of guarding the exit the common room was full of people. They were staring at him from the corners of their eyes, but there were some people who didn’t give a fuck obviously and were openly staring at him.

He couldn’t tell if the person who was screaming so much last night was there, but it probably wasn’t possible. These kind of screams took a lot of energy, they were now for sure blacking out in their room.

Tony was quickly done with every patient eyeing him curiously, so he took the risk and went outside. At first he was just walking around the garden, avoiding the path, but keep staring at it anyway. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a man with strong will, so after maybe ten minutes he was walking up to the bovver.

With his heart in his throat he was making small but quick steps, scared and excited at the same time.

Would Loki be there? Meeting the man sooner than his session in a few hours was making Tony even more excited than he already was. He still hadn’t come up with the question he was supposed to ask the man at the end of their first one-on-one, and so he was sure that today he’d get _two_ questions to ask, if that what the deal between the meant. They hadn’t really talked over the conditions and eventual rules, but he was determined to ask Loki _something_.

But what?

He went through the corner and stopped, watching the bovver closely. There was no one there, and Tony could feel his heart dropping a little with disappointment.

_Calm down, jackass. He said he doesn’t have time lately._

Tony rolled his eyes at his own silliness and walked slowly towards the wooden steps. He sat on the highest one and leaned his back into the wooden pillar. If Pepper could see him right now, she would probably die laughing. He was pretty sure he’d never thought about anyone the way he thought about Loki. Well, he had. About Pepper for some time, but that was at the beginning of her job, and she was with him almost constantly back then. Not that anything changed now, apart from Tony’s feelings about her.

Maybe it would be the same about Loki? Tony won’t get used to seeing him every day, because before he’d manage that, his two months here would be over. And he would probably never see Loki again. So what was the problem here, really? He just needed to keep himself together in their meetings for the next three weeks and everything would go back to normal. And Tony would be able to have a blowjob every night from a sexy lady.

Now he had to think about the possible questions he could ask Loki today.

What did he want to know about him? It had to be something more narrowed down than “everything”. If only he had JARVIS here, or at least Pepper… They would undoubtedly help him in choosing the right questions. Tony himself wasn’t the one who liked to interview people. He was always giving the interviews, not taking them.

“Think, Tony, think!” he said to himself, standing up from the steps.

He started walking around the inside of the bovver, his fingers pressing on his temples , like it was supposed to help him think. Normally he would have a glass – or a bottle – of scotch already in his hand, sipping it slowly as his mind became relaxed. While being drunk, Tony had some of his best ideas about the weapons. Or just a simple lighter, that stopped being simple when he made the fire of it lit up in colours of the rainbow every time someone used it.

He was at a loss, which never happened to him before. Even at his worst state, overdosing on all the meth and alcohol, his mind was full of thoughts – memories of Howard, their conversations and reasons, why Tony should hate him (but these reasons never convinced him anyway, even if he really wanted them to).

Tony made his mind work hard and Loki’s face finally appeared behind his closed eyelids. He was still walking around, tripping over his own feet from time to time.

What could he possibly ask the man he knew close to nothing about?

He could start with a basic “What’s your favourite colour?” but by now, he was pretty sure Loki would answer “green”. “What kind of music you’re listening to?” was out of the question, as well. It was just simply a waste of one of the opportunities he’ll have. Sexual orientation sounded good in his mind, but the connotation would be just too awkward. Loki would just think Tony was hitting on him and that was the last thing the engineer wanted him to think.

Loki allowed personal questions. At least that’s what Tony thought. Another thing they should straight up as soon as the deal was sealed between them. All these shortcomings made him just more nervous about this whole thing. He slowly started to regret agreeing on it. But otherwise he would probably not talk with Loki, which meant no one-on-ones with him in his office.

Tony couldn’t let that happen. These meetings meant too much to him to let them go. He would have probably started talking as soon as Loki threatened him with ending these sessions, but instead of that he gave him the deal.

This was weird considering he must have known Tony very well by now. Group sessions, talking with Rhodey and Pepper before he landed in here, and then after their every visit…

The bastard probably was now sitting in his office, laughing at how confused Tony was at the moment. What if this was his goal from the very beginning? What if he wanted to confuse him so much, he would drop out of the deal and he’ll have him talk and answer _his_ questions anyway?

Maybe Tony was getting paranoid with it. Not even maybe, he was surely getting paranoid, but now he couldn’t shake off the feeling it was a challenge. They had their own private game now, even if he didn’t know the rules.

He looked at his watch and realized he has been here for two hours. Which meant there were still three hours left till the meeting. He already wasted so much time on thinking about everything he knew about Loki, he hadn’t even paid the attention to the possible questions he could ask.

But this was it. He needed to have at least two by 3P.M.

He could do it. Of course he could.

* * *

He couldn’t.

He was heading for Loki’s office straight from the bovver, looking grumpily at the ground beneath his feet as he made his way to the building, stairs and then the familiar door. Again, he stood in front of it, breathing heavily before he knocked. Hard and short, hiding his hand in his pocket quickly. Loki opened the door and invited him in, sending a wide smile at him and gesturing his hand just like he did two days ago.

Tony walked inside and sat in the same place on the couch, looking around the room, like it would possibly have changed over the last forty eight hours. Everything was in its place, even the clipboard. It was lying on the table in front of Loki’s armchair, fresh sheets pinned to it.

Tony still didn’t like the idea of Loki writing down everything he considered important while he interviewed the engineer. It was distracting. Every time he saw Loki writing something on the paper, he wanted to get closer to him and look over his shoulder to see what was written there. And that was obviously not acceptable, since the notes were just for Loki to help him diagnose Tony before he left the place.

Surely he would find a way to look into them once he was out – JARVIS was irreplaceable because of reasons.

Loki sat down in his armchair, crossing his legs in his knees. He took the clipboard and put it on his thigh, pen already in his pale hand.

“How was your day today, Anthony?” he asked kindly, looking at him with the same smile.

Tony shrugged and stretched his legs, putting his right foot on his left knee. “Like always, boring.”

“And why is that? No one wanted to talk to you?”

“Well, I’m not spending much time in the common room lately,” which was a lie because he spent the whole of yesterday watching TV and the exit to the garden, “so I don’t know if they want to talk to me.”

“Why do you think that? Fellow patients gave you some signs?” Loki looked at him, looking both serious and curious. He was frowning a little, which also made him look like he was honestly worried about Tony’s lack of people to talk with here.

“No,” he shook his head.

Truth was he was the one who didn’t want to talk with other patients. What was the point in doing so if he was soon to be out of here, never to see them again? And it wasn’t like they had a lot in common. Maybe it was a facility for people who had lots of money and for celebrities but so far Tony hadn’t seen even one familiar face here. Not that he wanted to see someone he knew from the “red carpets” community. If someone like that really was here, he would be more than screwed.

He just didn’t think he would find someone worth talking to. This was a mistake on his part, yes. But everyone looked so dull and… casual. They were normal people with a big problem, who were rich enough to be here. And Tony was by no means normal.

He wasn’t putting himself above them, no. The truth was, he went through hell in his life. Genius baby, graduating years faster than normal kids his age. Always absent father, who knew only how to expect. Even Maria wasn’t a saint, but Tony refused to remember the bad times. He needed to have at least one of his parents looking good in his memories, and Howard definitely wasn’t the one, who was a candidate for that.

And finally Afghanistan. Not many soldiers went through what Tony did. Hell, no one went through something like that. And there was no one else in the world, who had arc reactor in their chest to keep them alive.

So no, Tony wasn’t like every patient here; or human. He was doomed to be different than the others from the very start and as a result he felt that he could never fit in.

So why should he try and be normal, when it wasn’t him?

“I don’t want to talk with them,” he said and looked at Loki to see his reaction.

The man frowned even more and – to Tony’s surprise – put the clipboard away.

“Why?”

“I just don’t,” Stark threw his hands up in the air, wincing. “Is it so hard to understand?”

“Yes,” Loki answered honestly and moved in his armchair. “I really want to understand why you don’t want to talk with other patients. Is it because they know you already?”

Tony shook his head again. “No, it’s just… I’ll be leaving soon anyway. What’s the point?”

Loki smiled at him. “Interacting with other patients isn’t necessarily about starting new friendships, Anthony. It’s about seeing you are not stranded in your situation.”

“Well, I know I’m not alone thanks to the group meetings. See? Still no point in talking to other people.”

“Anthony-“

“And don’t call me that,” Tony cut him off. “I don’t like when people use my full name.”

This move was bad and good at the same time. Good, because it drawn Loki’s attention from Tony’s lack of need to talk with the others. Bad, because his attention now on something Tony really, _really_ didn’t want to talk about. He knew what was coming, when he saw this curious spark in Loki’s eyes.

“Why you don’t like it?”

He couldn’t keep a frustrated sigh from leaving his mouth. He rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes, trying not to blow up. Loki constantly asking him “why” was just one of these things, which made Tony angry in less than five minutes. And normally he would do everything for this kind of annoyance to disappear. Even if it meant breaking the law, which he didn’t really care about anyway.

Yet, he was still there, sitting on the couch, and trying to calm himself down. If he played it well Loki won’t ask any more unnecessary questions and it will go down smooth.

Tony took in a deep breath and lifted his eyelids, glancing at his therapist for a second before turning his eyes on the glass table.

“I don’t like being called by my full name. My father used it when he was disappointed in me,” _which meant he was using it every time he saw me_ , “and each time wasn’t a pleasant experience.”

“Would you like to talk about him?” Loki looked at him kindly, but there was something different about it.

It wasn’t that kindness Tony saw on the faces of employers in this facility. He always felt they were kind to him because the job made them do it, or just thought it’s how they supposed to react to patients. That meant it was always fake kindness; at least that’s how Tony saw it.

But what he saw on Loki’s face wasn’t in no way familiar to the look he used to give him. It wasn’t like the look doctor should give his patient. It was… honest and it was making him want to talk about Howard.

It was so confusing. Tony really didn’t need another reason to think about the man and yet he was becoming more and more… mysterious with their every meeting.

If this was their second private session, what will Loki do to Tony at the end?

“Um, no, thanks. Maybe some other time,” he replied, trying to sound casual.

Loki nodded and took the clipboard back from the table, scribbling something down. That was the moment he turned into Tony’s therapist again – a professional. He was so smooth with the change, all it took was a blink of an eye. Writing took him just a few seconds and then they were back in the rhythm – Loki asking questions, Tony answering them.

The engineer was more and more excited as the time passed, and was letting some details he would never tell to a therapist slip. But he was barely noticing them as all he could think about soon enough was a question for Loki.

He still didn’t have one and yet he didn’t plan on leaving the office before Loki fulfills his part of their deal. He needed to come up with a question fast.

“Okay,” Loki said, smiling at him and putting his pen back on the table, “I think that would be all for today, Mr. Stark.”

He stood up and walked to his desk, putting the clipboard down, sure Tony would leave the office himself. But instead Tony kept sitting on the couch, watching Loki as he did whatever he was doing.

_C’mon, Tony, the question. Think about the fucking question._

When there was no sound of closing the door, Loki turned around and looked straight at Tony. His eyebrows went slightly up, giving him a surprised look. Tony thought if it was possible for this man to forget about their deal, which would be weird since he was the one proposing it. He moved uncomfortably in his seat and decided to stand. He felt weird as the only sitting person in the room.

“We… had a deal, remember?” he asked slowly.

“Yes, I do,” Loki replied almost immediately. “But you left my office two days ago without asking a question. I thought you didn’t like it anymore.”

“No, I-“ he ran a hand through his hair. “I just forgot.”

Loki smiled at him and sat on the armrest of his armchair. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” Tony nodded and hid his hands in pockets of his sweatpants. “About that. Does it mean I can ask you two questions today? We didn’t really talked over the conditions and stuff.”

A small laughter escaped Loki’s mouth and he had to admit – it was beautiful. It rang in his ears pleasantly, making him want to hear it constantly, without any break. The fact Tony made him give away that kind of sound made his heart swell with pride a little. He had no idea why, but he just felt it. And he liked it.

Loki kept chuckling softly, when he looked at him, his professional side gone again. It was really scary he was able to go from doctor to “buddy” in mere seconds, while having a patient. Or maybe Tony was just freaking out?

“I’m afraid you only have one question. It was your fault you didn’t ask it at the right time.”

“Right…” Tony muttered, trying to buy himself some more time.

His head was so empty, he was starting to be sure he’ll lose another chance.

He didn’t want to ask too private a question, but the only not-private questions were about his favourite band or what kind of car he is driving. Simply stupid questions. He really wanted to know _something_ about the man, and these kind of questions wouldn’t help him at that.

“So, do you want to ask me something now?” Loki smiled at him invitingly.

And that’s when it hit him. He had the question. It was good, compared to his other ideas. He hoped Loki wouldn’t play with him, giving a short or not satisfactory enough answer. It was a good way to know the man better, acknowledge something more about him than just the fact he was handsome and smart.

“Yeah, I do,” Tony started and crossed his fingers inside the pockets. “What made you become a therapist?”

Loki’s smile faded away. At that Tony felt the shadow of guilt that was about to fill him. Why, on earth, had he came up with a question that obviously wasn’t a pleasant one for Loki?

“You don’t need to answer if you don’t-“ he started but was cut off by a hand giving him a sign to sit down.

He slowly walked back to the couch and sat down, closer to Loki than he did just minutes ago.

The man rubbed his forehead and turned on the armrest to face Tony, shy smile on his lips. “It’s kind of a long story, if I have to be honest. And, unfortunately, we don’t have enough time for it.” He sent Tony an apologizing look. “All I can say to you now is that I felt the need to know a human nature. Every single secret it kept. Why people acted as they do in some situations? Why other people act differently? Why they’re having problems in their relationships? Why they get addicted?” he smiled at him kindly. “Often the reason was their weakness or fear of facing something or someone they didn’t want to face. But there are exceptions.”

There was something in his deep green eyes, that made Tony think he was one of these exceptions. He moved uncomfortably and looked away, trying not to wince.

“Are there anything else you want to ask me?” Loki inquired after a minute of silence.

Tony just shook his head and stood up from the couch, trying not to look at him. “You said one question.”

Loki laughed, this beautiful sound filling Tony’s ears again and sending a shiver down his spine this time.

“If you want to keep to the rules so much…” he joked and rounded the table to help Tony out.

He followed him and left the office, saying quiet “bye” as he went past the man. He headed straight for the bovver, sure he wouldn’t find anyone there.

As soon as he reached his target he lay down on the wooden floor and stared into the blue sky above him, closing his eyes every time a sunbeam slid above the roof.

He didn’t know on what he should focus first: Loki himself or maybe the fact he was an exception for him. He decided to go with the latter, since it was more important. Loki would haunt his mind a number of times by the end of the day.

He was an exception. For some reason he felt bad about the fact he didn’t fit into one of Loki’s previous experiences. Being an exception – whether it was about his mind or age (when it came to graduating faster than other kids in his age) – it never ended well for him. Why should this time be any different?

He was a text-book example of walking narcissism, and that was all. Nothing else about him would be found in any book. He was just strange. Weird with his mind being able to do and think much more than an average person’s mind could. He was a freak at the age of fifteen, when all the other students were looking after him as he passed through the hallways on his way for lectures.

He was a freak all of his life, even with his fucking addiction.

He refused to believe he was any different than Loki’s other patients. He just couldn’t. How could he possibly be any different in a building full of fellow addicts? Surely, every single one of them had to have their own reasons for starting using drugs, but it all had to go down to two things: weakness and fear. One caused by the other.

As much as Tony didn’t want to be different from the others, he couldn’t bring himself to admit he was scared of something or too weak to handle things around him. But maybe that was the truth? Maybe he started doing meth because he just couldn’t handle what happened? Who could? No one else ever went through three months of kidnapping and living into the caves with a magnet in their chests to keep shrapnel from their own weapon from entering their hearts.

No one. Tony was alone with this and was unprepared for this to happen. How could he be ready for it?

If he wanted to be normal in at least one thing he needed to admit to himself he was weak and couldn’t manage to come in terms with his new life.

Would Tony Stark admit something like this to himself?

* * *

Loki closed the door behind Tony and moved back to his desk, looking at his notes from previous hour.

Nothing about Tony fit into any of his previous cases. There were signs in his habits, gestures and the way he answered some of the questions that were easy to read. It was easy for Loki to see he and his father hadn’t had a good relationship. Since there was nothing about this in materials the god collected about his patient, he had no idea what caused it. He could only have his suspicions and that wasn’t enough. Not for him. He _needed_ to know what happened between Stark and his father.

And the way Stark avoided other patients. The first thought that came to his mind is that Tony simply thought himself above them. Any other therapist would conclude that since it was famous Tony Stark. But Loki felt there was something more behind it. The difference with this one thing was, he had everything he needed in order to decode the real reason behind Tony’s loneliness.

He had his notes from talking with his friends. Miss Potts was more than helpful, when it came to explaining what had happened that had made Stark fall into an addiction. She gave him even more information than he required.

Loki knew about everything that happened in Afghanistan and about arc reactor in Stark’s chest. Although he was sure the engineer didn’t tell his friends everything, what he did tell them was enough for a human being to commit a suicide. A successful one.

Now Loki was more than glad his patient was rescued before it was too late for him. Such an exceptional case in his long carrier. It was what the god needed just at this time, he was getting bored with his other patients.

He wanted all of them to get well, he was doing everything and a little bit more to help them, but the truth was they were too easy to figure out. There was always something trivial behind their addictions. Some of them couldn’t handle the stress of their jobs or schools. Some started doing drugs because people around them did and soon enough they couldn’t live without a certain amount of their poison.

So far no one was as interesting as the most famous inventor of XXI century. Anthony Stark was more than just an exception in Loki’s long carrier. He was his hardest case and Loki was sure he’d do everything to figure this man out. He was running out of time and he knew their one-on-one meetings were too short for him. Yet, he accepted the challenge he had given himself.

Loki never loses, and he wasn’t about to do that this time either.

He sat on the chair behind his desk, leaving the notes on the counter an turning face first to the window. The sun was high in the sky, the sky clear from any clouds. He moved closer to the window, sticking his head outside, leaning on his shoulders. He had a clear view of the garden and looked down on the familiar path.

He hadn’t been in the bovver for such a long time. Stark’s case was keeping him from doing anything else than working and thinking. Whenever he had free time, either  between his meetings with patients or just free days, his mind was always taken over by the engineer. He couldn’t count how many hours he had already spent, thinking about him, and he still was a mystery to the god.

This was both frustrating and fascinating.

He saw someone walking out of the common room and watched this person step onto the path to the bovver. His brown hair was moving lightly with almost unnoticeable wind. His shoulders were down a little, as thought he had some kind of burden over him. He’d left Loki’s office like that, but that’s not how he entered the room an hour ago.

When he walked in, he was straight. His pride was emanating from him with his every move, even if he wasn’t aware of that. He was sending his charm to every corner of the room, and Loki couldn’t stop smiling whenever he saw him because of that.

Despite so many problems and issues hidden inside, he was keeping his genius playboy demeanor up all the time. Now Loki saw him uncovered, the weight of all of his problems pinning him to the ground.

There were so much of them, he felt a shadow of doubt creeping slowly into his thoughts.

_What if I won’t be able to help him? What if there’s nothing I can do?_

He watched Stark disappear behind the green and moved back to his desk. He opened one of his drawers and pulled out a file. “ANTHONY STARK” was written in capital letters with black ink on the cover. Loki looked at it for a second before flipping it open.

He would do everything to save this man. He was too precious for this world to let him die. He would make him talk. The deal was working so far and if it were to stop at some point he’d figure out something else.

Stark needed to break the wall keeping him from talking about his problems otherwise he will soon drown in pool of alcohol mixed with his issues.

And Loki couldn’t let that happen. Even if he had to go over every piece of information he had about Stark countless times. He will save him.


	9. VIII. The Little Things Give You Away

“Tony, are you listening to me?”

The engineer shook his head a little and sent his friend an apologetic look. “Sorry, Pep. I drifted off. What was it you were saying?”

She rolled her eyes and sat up straight as if she wanted to gain more of Tony’s attention.

“I said,” she started firmly, “that I’m doing everything to help Obie get through every board meeting unbroken. But it’s getting harder each time.” Her blue eyes turned sad as if her voice wasn’t enough for Tony to acknowledge that. “I think he wants the same thing as them.”

Tony sighed heavily, rubbing his forehead. “I know,” he replied and saw Pepper’s surprised expression. “He wasn’t exactly happy when I cancelled all the manufacturing. And he also lost a proportion of his own money, didn’t he? I just thought he would understand me sooner or later.”

Pepper grabbed his exposed forearm and squeezed it gently, leaving her hand in place. A small gesture, but it made Tony feel slightly better. She was always by his side, even if she didn’t understand his actions entirely. She always did in the end, though. Tony was never one who was easy to decipher. At least not when you really wanted to know him, rather than just believe what he showed to everyone on the outside.

“I’ll make sure he waits on the final decision until you’re out. Then we’ll have everything under control,” she said with a reassuring manner and smiled warmly at him.

“I hope so,” Tony muttered under his breath, looking at his entwined fingers.

They were at the bovver again. He always brought Pepper here, he didn’t want her to see his room. Mostly because after a month there were finally signs it was actually his. His clothes were everywhere, and if he didn’t need to keep his hands busy he didn’t clean it. This resulted in even his dirty underwear lying on a small bookshelf and very probably under his bed. But why would he care? He had brought enough boxers and socks with him to last a full year, he didn’t have to do laundry. At all.

Perks of being a billionaire.

“So,” Pepper started, crossing her arms on her chest, “what were you thinking about?”

“Sorry?” he asked a little startled, frowning at her.

“You know what I mean. It had to be something important if you weren’t listening to me talking about the company just now,” she said, a smirk playing on her lips. “What were you thinking about?”

Tony felt his cheeks going pink.

Of course, he couldn’t tell her, what – or who for that matter – was occupying his thoughts. He thanked God Pepper knew nothing about his “love problems”, he didn’t need for her to have any more reason to lock him up in an asylum. She already had many. Like him talking to Dum-E, U and Butterfingers. But that isn’t exactly strange, is it, since he did build them so they could understand and act on their own...Or maybe it was?

The point was, Tony never had a crush on _anyone_ (not counting Pepper, but that was in the past), and judging by the intensity of him thinking about his therapist, he had to have a crush on him. Which was absolutely stupid and incredibly out of place, but Tony never could control his hormones or feelings for that matter. That’s why he didn’t want to talk about either.

Besides, he was too embarrassed to admit to himself he had a crush on Loki. In fact, he still hadn’t, not really. So how was he supposed to tell that to Pepper?

Unfortunately, the blush gave it all away.

“You’ve met someone here?” she asked, her voice higher than usual.

Tony never thought he would hear her voice high-pitched like that. He couldn’t even remember the last time she used it, which meant it was probably while he still was at MIT. It not only made him look at her like she was the girl he met at the coffee shop, but also like she was a normal person again. A person without Tony and his problems on her back.

Who knew how her life would look now if she hadn’t met him back then?

“Tell me you didn’t fuck her already. Or him,” she added, suddenly looking at him grimly.

“What?” his eyes went wide. “Pepper, I’m hurt. How could you assume something like that?” he joked and smiled with his usual smile, the one he used before Afghanistan.

Pepper seemed to notice that right away. Her eyes glittered with happiness and Tony thought she would jump on him, closing her thin arms around him in a rib crushing hug. But nothing like that happened. She just smiled widely and started teasing him.

“Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, but I know you too well to assume otherwise,” she said, playing along.

Tony chuckled shortly, and shook his head, leaving a small smile on his lips.

“No, I haven’t fucked h-“ he stopped before he said a full word. Pepper raised her eyebrows at him suspiciously and he knew her brain was already coming up with the (inevitably correct) ending. He sighed and decided not to lie. “Him,” he finished and instantly bit the insides of his cheeks.

She kept looking at him, her expression unchangeable for a long while. Tony could have sworn he saw her thoughts jumping to many possibilities and finally reaching the right one. When she reached the end of the path she was coming through in her mind, her eyes went wide from realization and pure shock.

“Oh my God, Tony,” she said quietly and slowly and next second she was looking at him with disapproval. “Tony, tell me it’s not true. You just couldn’t get this dumb from meth.”

He twisted his lips, hurt by her words, and looked away, staring at one of the trees on the side of the path. He didn’t say a thing, nor do anything in response. What could he say or do anyway, if she already knew what was going on? It was just a crush and she acted like Tony already fucked him.

“Tony, say something,” she called to him after a long while.

He shook his head, barely moving it, and stared down at his hands, twisting his fingers nervously.

“Don’t make such a big deal out of this,” he said finally, trying not to show how hurt he was.

He felt her hand on his forearm again, and winced when she squeezed it. Not from the pain, no. It was more because he couldn’t tell what her gesture meant. Was she sorry? Or maybe she did it to emphasize what she was about to say?

So many questions and no answer.

Tony had never been so lost in his entire life. And he didn’t like that feeling. At all.

“Tony, just-“

“God, Pepper, I didn’t fuck him, okay?” he cut her off angrily. “I don’t even think he knows what’s going on. And I want it to stay that way, so would you please, please keep it to yourself when you’ll be visit him after we’re done?”

Silence fell between them once more. It was the situation Tony hated, and if he could run away from it he would. But he couldn’t.

Pepper took her hand away from his arm and for some reason it made him feel guilty. It wasn’t her fault he was so frustrated. He could only blame himself for this whole situation. And maybe Loki for being so gorgeous, but that was a totally different story. He was the one who couldn’t control himself and it was only his fault, no one else’s.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered and looked at her from the corner of his eye.

She smiled weakly and sat even closer, their sides touching. “It’s okay.”

She wrapped her arm around him, barely reaching for his other side, and rested her head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for assuming the worst. I shouldn’t have.”

“Well, I always fuck people, so why would you assume differently this time?” he asked bitterly and let his head fall on Pepper’s.

“You’ve changed, you know,” she said suddenly but didn’t move to look at him. “I’m seeing old Tony again, but there’s also something…” she stopped and thought about it for a second. “Different,” she finished and he could feel her frown. “I’m not sure yet if it’s good or bad.”

“Knowing my luck it’s the latter,” he groaned.

“We’ll see, won’t we?”

She sat straight and looked at him with a cheerful smile.

* * *

Tony spent his whole weekend in the common room. Not counting the visit from Pepper on Saturday, that is. He didn’t want to meet Loki at the bovver, still not sure about what he felt towards the man. It was already awkward to be constantly thinking about his therapist. And no matter how much Tony wanted to see him outside his office, he couldn’t have that.

When he was among other patients, he tried not to think. That’s why he was sitting here, and not alone in his room or outside. He focused on what was on TV to keep his mind away from all of his problems. Most of the time there were some stupid reality shows about teenagers getting drunk or having babies.

Tony was surprised at first to see so many people were watching these kind of shows, but when he looked around the common room, he understood. It was late in the day, and everyone was mostly done with therapies and meetings. At this time Tony was actually able to see how many people were really in the facility.

The room was filled with patients and, what was worrying, they were mostly young people. He even saw a girl who couldn’t be more than sixteen, sitting in the dining area talking to other youngster, who was eighteen if Tony was lucky.

It was scary seeing all these kids around him, spending their vacations on a rehab program. It made him think of today’s society and that he was a part of it since he became twenty one. It all was slow going towards this point. When he was welcomed in the land of partying every single night and drinking until you blacked out, it was still considered more than inappropriate. He could still remember every cover of a tabloid magazine, with pictures of him being drunk and walking out of a club with a girl or two by his side. Every time paparazzi were selling his pictures to the papers, he was screwed with the board, and later Pepper.

It did nothing to stop him, though. He just got in the habit of doing it more often and more violently. He couldn’t even count the times he woke up in bed with someone he’d met for the first time in his life the previous night.

The point was, it was never accepted by the public. It was absolutely the opposite. Papers were writing shit about him, making an alcoholic, junkie and God knows what’s more out of him. He wasn’t just a bad boy back then. He was the devil.

He quickly learned not to check any media about him so he had little idea how it all looked now. All he knew was that interviewers stopped asking annoying and insulting questions. He was surprised by that at first, but waved it off soon. Why would he question the change when it was for the better?

He was a genius, but couldn’t keep up with society’s evolution. Evolution for the worse, as it turned out.

He stood up from his armchair to grab the remote from the table in front of him and switched the channel from MTV to National Geographic. The room was instantly filled with boos and angry snorts. Some even called him names, but he was too used to it to actually give a fuck. He hid the remote inside his crossed legs, and shot a threatening glance at the girl who tried to take it away from him. It was enough for her to back up and sit on the couch with the rest.

It didn’t persuade them to leave the room, however, they stayed and whispered and shot angry glances at Tony. He just sat in his armchair and watched the News channel until the receptionist came to him and said it was time for him to leave for his room.

* * *

Tony woke up on Monday drained in cold sweat.

The nightmare was different this time. It wasn’t about the operation in the caves anymore.

He could remember every single detail of the dream. A tall dark figure, that looked strangely familiar to him. He watched as it walked out of the dark shadow, its face still hidden, and hands stretched towards him. Fear was clutching his throat tightly and so hard he could barely breathe. He knew he was in a great danger but he could do nothing, absolutely nothing, to move. He was paralyzed and the only thing he was able to do was watch the dark figure. It approached him slowly, its hand still in the air between them. The closer it was coming to him, the greater the fear was.

When it finally reached him it ripped his shirt from his chest and grabbed the arc reactor. The sharp teeth glistened in the dark in an evil smile as the hand pulled the arc out of his chest with a quick jerk and started to slowly walk away. Tony could feel the shrapnel moving in his chest, coming closer to his heart with every second.

He was going to die and there was no Yinsen to help him this time.

That was when he sat up abruptly on the bed, breathing heavily. His right hand was covering the arc reactor like it was the most important thing in his life.

It _was_ the most important thing in his life now.  If he wanted to keep breathing he couldn’t let anyone take it away from him. Nothing was more important than this device in his chest. He finally had to admit he didn’t hate the reactor itself. How could he hate something he created to keep himself alive?

What he really despised was the fact he was at the mercy of a machine. Tony was never dependent on anyone in his entire life. Not since he was freaking fifteen. He had taken care of himself all his life, Pepper occasionally helping him with some issues. All he ever accomplished, all he ever had was because he worked hard in the nights to keep his father’s company up and running.

Being dependent on his own creation was the most ironic thing that happened to him in his long life.

Yet, instead of appreciating the second chance he was given, he decided to drug himself to death. To deny this chance and let down the one man who sacrificed his life so he could run away. And _live_.

He shook his head violently, trying to get rid of all the thoughts and hid his face in his hands.

Now that he was finally accepting the arc reactor and what happened to him, he saw how stupid he had been. There were people in this world, dying from various diseases that would give everything to have so much luck as Tony had.

The nightmare and the dark tall figure in it helped him to understand how lucky he really was. And that he wanted to live no matter what. He needed to live.

Tony sat on the bed for a long while, before he partly got over his dream and was able to move. A hot shower helped him gather his thoughts and when he went down for breakfast he was able to interact with people. In some way, at least.

He walked towards the counter and took from the ladies working in the kitchen his usual toasts and a cup of hot coffee. When he turned around he saw his usual table was taken by the guy from his group session and one of the younger girls he saw yesterday. Annoyed, he glanced at the exit to the garden. He let an angry sound, when he saw the rain outside. Another look around the room told him every other possible seat was taken.

He had an alternative he really didn’t want to use. Eating alone in his room and reliving the nightmare he still was thinking about. Thank you very much, but no.

Tony let out a tired sigh and started walking towards his usual table. When he was close enough he cleared his throat and looked down at the two intruders, sending them a _that-table-is-mine-go-away_ look.

It didn’t work.

They just looked up at him, surprised. Then, after a second and a frown, the guy recognized Tony and smiled, patting a chair next to him. “You’re Tony, right? We had group meetings together.”

“Yeah,” Tony nodded, and walked towards the chair he was directed to, sitting down with resignation.

The girl kept eyeing him, her eyes wide from surprise. She probably recognized him, and that Tony didn’t like.

“I’m Luke, if you don’t remember,” the guy nodded at him with a smile and without waiting for Tony’s reply asked another question. “How’s your sessions with Dr. Odinson?”

Tony winced at that and kept his head low, staring at his toast and playing with a piece he ripped off earlier. “Not bad so far. Yours?”

“Great. He’s really amazing. Helps me a lot, you know.”

The engineer nodded at that and took a bite of his breakfast, still staring down at his plate. He thought about Loki and their second session, where he told him about interacting with patients. Tony could bet that if the man could see him now, he would laugh at how pathetic Tony was with the two by his table.

He was absolutely not in the mood for chatting because of the nightmare. If Luke had picked his table any other day, maybe it would all be different. Now, Tony had to pretend he was interested in their talk, and he wasn’t even able to do that properly. He was basically nodding all the time and humming some short answers back.

Luke seemed to not see his bad mood and kept talking and talking, gesturing happily. The only good thing about it was that the girl stopped staring at him.

To keep his mind away from the dark figure and feeling of emptiness in his chest, Tony decided to think about his last session with Loki. It was three days ago and yet he still couldn’t get over how tricky the man was. Tony forgot about asking the question again, because the doctor kept his mind away from thinking about it.

They talked about Tony’s childhood. He couldn’t tell how this was relevant to his stay here, but decided to talk anyway. The worst part of this hour was… well, the whole hour. He talked how his mother was with him only at times, when she didn’t have to attend a party with Howard or wasn’t arguing with him. Loki actually wanted him to talk about his feelings towards these memories, if he remembered them so well because they were so hurtful, or because they were so rare.

Tony didn’t tell him he remembered them so well because he watched them not such a long time ago, but he was sure Loki already knew it. JARVIS willingly helped everyone who wanted to help Tony, and giving his therapist this kind of information was probably considered helping by the AI.

Loki was surprised to find out Tony wanted to hate his father but not his mother. He asked about that, and it took Tony some time to admit he wanted at least one of his parents to be good in his mind. It couldn’t be Howard for obvious reasons, so it was Maria. There was another reason behind it as well, and although Tony tried to hide it Loki asked about it anyway.

And the deal was clear, Loki would talk if Tony talks.

That’s how Tony ended up talking about his mom. How she was always smiling, no matter the situation between her and Howard. How she always did her best to be at every single event that was important for Tony. She even dropped one of the important meeting with SI’s business partners and their wives to see Tony’s project be displayed at a school fair. Tony could remember the fight she and his father had after that. He was locked up in his room and could still hear their screams.

This took place every time Maria snuck out to be with Tony more than she was able. There countless parties Howard was throwing at their mansion, which Maria abandoned just to read Tony a story goodnight or to talk about his day at school. She was the only one in the whole house who cared about him like parents should. Tony didn’t even have the luck to have a babysitter, who would treat him like her child. There were only old and grumpy governesses.

He bit on the last of his toast and started to think about what they would talk about today. Tony knew it was going to get harder and harder with every meeting. It didn’t help him to prepare for the questions, whatsoever. Every time he was standing in front of the door to Loki’s office, his heart was in his throat and he held his breath. It wasn’t getting better, either. Each time the walk to the room where he had to talk about his past was like an eternity in an air-bump.

He felt a gentle hit in his ribs and blinked a few times, sending his thoughts away. He saw Luke and the girl staring at him, both with different expressions. The guy obviously had a great day so far; he was smiling at Tony, one eyebrow raised in an abide manner. The girl on the other hand was frowning, her day slightly worse than her companion’s.

“Sorry? I wasn’t listening,” Tony remarked, smiling sheepishly.

“Lily here,” Luke gestured at the girl, “was asking if you’re really _the_ Tony Stark.”

And so it happened. Tony had hoped by then he wouldn’t get this kind of question. They were like asking a dog if it’s really a dog. Everyone was already looking at him curiously every time he entered and moved around in the common room, so he just assumed they were all sure who he was. He figured the girl just wanted to ask a question to the famous person, and since she didn’t look like one who reads scientific magazines or watches these kind of channels, she had to have seen him in some gossip website.

“Yes,” he nodded, stretching his lips in his famous smile. “Yes, I am.”

Lily’s eyes went wide and she almost let her jaw fell agape. It took her more or less a minute to control herself and she moved uncomfortably in her chair, her cheeks turning pink.

That was the usual reaction he got from teenagers and kids. They first asked what he did and then turned all uncomfortable and embarrassed. Tony hated this kind of situation, because he had absolutely no idea what to do. With kids it was easy. He just patted them in their heads smiling brightly, and said something smart like “stay at school”. With teenagers it was a bit, if not very, difficult.

So Tony wrinkled his nose and tried to keep his smile. “I’m not like the papers describe me, so no worries,” he stated, his voice friendly.

It worked, because the girl looked at him and smiled, an embarrassed smile but a smile all the same. He nodded at her, the corners of his lips going up a little bit, and winked at her. She blushed even more at that, her cheeks now the purest shade of red Tony had ever seen on someone’s face. That told him he’d overloaded a bit, and he reverted to his casual smile.

“Everyone react on you like that?” Luke asked, turning his head to face him.

Tony nodded in reply and took a sip of his coffee. Then he stood up, took his empty plate in one hand and coffee in the other. “I have to leave you two. It was a nice chat, thanks,” he nodded once more, keeping his smile in place, and walked away.

The plate was safely in the right kitchen window, when he walked to his usual armchair. He thanked the gods, wherever they were, that it wasn’t taken. He jumped gently on it and sat down, his legs close to his chest and his toes protruding from the cushion.

He kept his hands close to his chest as well, and placed them in between his knees, so the cup with still steaming coffee was just under his nose. The morning news was now displaying on the TV screen so he focused on what the reporter was saying.

It wasn’t anything interesting. The guy was talking about some project with a scientists-army collaboration and the North Pole. Tony almost immediately remembered he already heard about it in the news, a few weeks back. It looked like it was going as planned and that they’d found something pretty interesting there, but the reporter didn’t tell them what exactly. Tony smirked at that and took another sip of his coffee.

His experience with U.S. Army told him that if whatever it was really something “interesting”, no media would ever talk about it again. He smiled under his nose as the reporter started talking about other news. He was sure that as soon as he had JARVIS back – and if he still remembered this – he’d find out anything the government wanted to hide. And no one would know a single thing about it.

Good old times, breaking in to government’s confidential and “TOP SECRET” files.

He couldn’t hold back a chuckle from escaping his mouth. A second later he looked around to see if someone noticed. A blonde woman who looked like she had two balloons instead of lips gave him an outraged look. He raised his eyebrows in reply and watched as she flipped her hair, turning her head back to the TV screen. Another chuckle was ready to leave his throat, but he hold it back this time and decided to ignore what just happened.

Somewhere around 11 A.M. Tony left the common room and decided to spend remaining four hours walking around the place. He needed to stretch his legs, and going back to his room wasn’t even an option. The bovver was out of the question too, since it was raining outside.

He walked up to his floor and started wandering around the corridors, checking if the numbers on the rooms are placed correctly. Big drops were hitting the windows loudly, sending an echo to every corner. It helped Tony clear his thoughts, and when he walked back down – after visiting every floor and corridor – he felt a lot better.

He looked at his watch and wrinkled his nose. There were still two hours left until the session and the only available activity to fill this time was watching a stupid reality show Tony knew from yesterday called _Jersey Shore_.

His armchair was surprisingly taken so he fell down on the far end of the couch standing right in front of the TV. He tried to not see how stupid people from the show were, but that was only at the beginning. Turned out it was a marathon, and after one episode came another. And another. By the end of the second ep Tony found himself greatly concerned about the relationships between them all. The remaining two hours passed in a blink of an eye, and when he looked at his watch during the ad break he was five minutes late already.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath and ran for the stairs.

He already had a question for Loki for today, since he didn’t ask it the last time, so his only – and the biggest – concern was what kind of question Loki himself would ask today?

He bit on his lower lip, trying not to get stressed beforehand. He turned in the right direction and stopped, looking curiously at what was going on in front of him.

Loki stood at the door of his office talking to a middle-aged woman. At least that’s what Tony thought looking at her from behind. She leaned forward and kissed his therapist in both cheeks lovingly, her hands gently clutching his shoulders.

Tony almost immediately thought it was Loki’s mom. No one else would treat him like that. Well, maybe an aunt, who really liked him, but for Tony it was impossible to have an aunt like that. So mother was the only explanation.

Loki reciprocated her kisses and smiled at her in the same way, when she waved her hand graciously as a sign of good bye and turned on her heels to leave. When he saw her face, he inhaled loudly, stunned.

She was beautiful. She probably was middle-aged woman. The unparalleled aura around her made him even think she must’ve lived more than a normal human being. She looked fresh and exhausted at the same time. Young and old. And still she was exceptionally beautiful. A small smile seemed to never leave her lips, it fit so well on her face, and she didn’t even have wrinkles on the corners of her lips. She smiled a little wider, passing him by and nodding her head, before she started walking down the stairs.

Even her clothes seemed to be out of this world, and Tony was sure that Maria would wear something like this if only she lived.

Someone cleared their throat loudly and Tony stopped looking at the woman. He turned his head and saw Loki’s awaiting stare. He seemed different today, more gloomy than happy. Tony walked towards him, smiling apologetically, and entered the room without saying any greeting. Once inside, he turned to see Loki close the door behind them.

“Something happened?” Tony asked and was surprised to hear care and worry in his voice.

“Is that your question for me today, Mr. Stark?” Loki asked harshly and walked towards his armchair.

“N-no,” the engineer replied, frowning at sudden hostility of the man.

“Then I don’t need to answer it,” Loki spat out and sat down, gesturing at Tony to do the same.

He obeyed, wanting to avoid a conflict, which he was starting to be sure was close. He crossed his legs by his ankles as he sat in his usual spot on the couch and leaned his elbows on his knees, interlocking his fingers.

“So, how’s your day so far?” the doctor asked slowly, his voice already calmer.

Tony looked at him and shrugged, smiling a little. “Nothing special. I was walking around the place for some time and sat in the common room with others,” he remarked, shrugging again.

Loki seemed to be interested in that. “Did you talk with someone?”

“Uh, yeah. Luke from our group session and a girl. Lily, I guess,” the engineer replied casually.

The other just nodded and, in Tony’s relief, smiled.

“How was it?”

“Normal?” Tony smiled wryly. “It was okay,” he added after a second. “The girl recognized me, though, and went all red and stuff,” he motioned at his face, wrinkling his nose.

Loki let out a silent chuckle and scribbled something down on his clipboard. After a moment he looked up at Tony again, the familiar kind smile back on his face.

“And how was your night?”

Tony winced at that and looked down on his still entwined fingers.

Loki never asked him about his nights, and he was more than okay with that.  He had nightmares almost every night, the memory of the operation haunting him. Today was different, but it didn’t mean better. Actually Tony came to the conclusion this nightmare was worse. There was no physical pain in it, but the pure fear of dying was something he never wanted to feel again.

Loki must’ve read something from his face, because Tony could see him leaning forward from the corner of his eye and looking at him with the same mix of care and worry Tony himself felt just minutes ago.

“Something happened?” he repeated the question he was also asked at the beginning. “You had a nightmare?”

“I always have nightmares,” Tony muttered. “But today was different.”

“Tell me,” Loki pleaded as though he wanted to know it because he cared about Tony. And even if it wasn’t true the engineer liked the feeling that was now expanding into his chest.

In the last one and a half months he’d talked more about himself, and he did it more honestly, than he had done in the last few years. Sure, there were interviews, but these were about his work and knowledge, not his life and feelings.

As much as it frightened him to admit that, Tony felt better after every meeting with Loki. In the long run. Telling someone about most of his concerns was so… relieving. It was soothing his broken mind.

Maybe there was hope for him after all. But he needed to touch the bottom to find it.

His hope was Loki.

“Uh,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead, his features suddenly showing how really tired he was. “Well, before it was just the memory of Afghanistan. Kidnapping and-“ Tony barely raised his hand to motion at the reactor in his chest, “this. Nothing was changing, everything was the same.”

“What had changed tonight?” Loki asked softly, when there was a long moment of silence.

“It was totally different,” Tony said, his throat suddenly tightening. “Everything was- it was dark. I couldn’t see anything and-“

He stopped talking and buried his face in his hands, just like he did after waking up. His teeth clenched, keeping the sob from breaking free out of his throat. He thought the worst was behind him; that his only reaction on the memory of the nightmare after this time would be just a wince. Meanwhile, he was sitting on a couch in the worst place possible, trying to keep himself in one piece.

He felt a cold hand on his shoulder and he jumped a little in his seat. Cushions on his right side switched a little, which meant that Loki was most likely sitting there, his hand squeezing Tony’s shoulder lightly. He had no idea if therapists were allowed to do something like that, but to be honest, he couldn’t care less at this moment.

Tony took a few deep breaths before he let his hands fall on his thighs. He tilted his head to the side, sending Loki a grateful smile.

“Are you okay?” Loki asked with worry.

The engineer chuckled weakly. “Sure I am, doc.”

The man shook his head, and didn’t move. His hand was still in its place also and it looked like it would stay there until the end of the meeting.

“You don’t have to tell me about the nightmare now, but it would be the best for you to-“

“I know,” Tony cut him off. “I-“ he turned his head and looked down at the floor. “I wanna talk about it.”

“But?” Loki inquired.

“Well,” the engineer winced and shook his head. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to. You know,” he raised his head and smiled bitterly at the man next to him, “it kinda had an impact.”

He knew, no, he was sure he wanted and needed to talk about it. It wasn’t a normal nightmare and he was afraid that if he didn’t talk about it with someone, it might come back the next night. But Tony didn’t want to show himself up as weak. He felt vulnerable whenever someone was with him when he was letting his emotions take control. Hell, he felt vulnerable with Pepper in these kind of situations, and she was his best friend. With Loki it might be even worse. But he was sure he wouldn’t survive waking up the next morning from a dream like this. The fear of losing the arc reactor hid his hatred for the device far away in his mind. The feeling of a big empty hole in his chest was something he never wanted to feel again. Even if it was just an aftermath of a dream.

So Tony took in a deep breath and started talking.

 

By the time he was done, his hands were shaking, as well as his voice, and Loki’s arm was wrapped tight around his shoulders, the doctor’s calm voice whispering soothing words into his ear.

It didn’t feel wrong at all, even after Tony calmed down. Loki’s arm felt so right where it was and Tony found himself listening to his voice with a warm feeling enveloping his whole body. It all felt so right and when it finally stopped, Tony barely kept himself from whining loudly in disappointment.

Loki didn’t move from the couch, and the engineer could feel his glare. He slowly raised his head to look at him and saw him frowning with the same kind of worry he was familiar to see only on Pepper’s face. At first he was taken aback by that, but after a second he couldn’t help but smile. A small grin crept onto his lips and, surprisingly, Loki did the same.

“Why are you grinning?” Tony asked him without changing his expression.

“Because you are grinning,” Loki replied, shaking his head a little.

They were looking straight into each other’s eyes for a long while and Tony started to think the game between them was expanding on more than just one level of their acquaintance. Then the doc looked at his watch and his grin faded away, replaced by a mix of disappointment and worry.

“Our time is up, Mr. Stark,” he said, back to his professional himself in a blink of an eye again. “Is there a question you want to ask me?”

Tony thought about it for a short moment and nodded. He already had a prepared question, yes, but the woman visiting Loki was way too intriguing to just let her go. He decided to ask prepared question next time and instead went with the new one.

“Was this your mother I saw with you and why she visited you? If I may know, that is,” he said, looking at the man next to him with expectation.

The silence fell between them and Tony was growing anxious with every passing second. He couldn’t read a thing from Loki’s face and he was starting to think he’d be thrown out of the room in a few seconds. But then Loki just nodded and looked away.

“Yes, that was my mother,” he said warmly and Tony could tell she was a good parent just from the way doc said it. “And she was here to tell me I need to go back soon.”

The man sighed and stared absentmindedly at the door to the other room.

“Go back where? Your home?” Stark asked, curiosity winning over his free will.

Loki smirked and looked back at him. “That I believe is one question too many, Mr. Stark.”

Tony just nodded and stood up, walking towards the door. Once he was outside he turned around to say a proper goodbye, but he saw nothing except the painted wood guarding the entrance to the office.


	10. IX. Up In The Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I kept you waiting. This chapter was done a month ago, but my beta had some issues and then she had to back out and I was looking for someone to replace her and it just took that long :x I already have most of the next chapter done, so hopefully you'll have it sooner than this one.
> 
> Big thanks to my new beta, Jess ♥
> 
> And from this place I'd like to thank Sarah for everything she had done for this story. You are brilliant, i don't know if anyone would be able to read it without your corrects ;3 Thank you so much for everything, love, and I hope you're feeling better! ♥

Tony was back in his bedroom. There was something awkward about it, but he wasn’t going to think over what exactly. There was one, absolutely stunning reason why he couldn’t do it now.

And this reason was currently walking slowly with all its grace towards his bed and him. Throwing its clothes away in the most sexy way Tony had ever seen. She could easily beat the best stripper he had seen in his life, and he’d seen only the best.

The black-haired beauty was currently throwing into the corner of his room her black leather jacket. Stark felt arousal starting to grow on him just from that movement. He moved a little on the mattress and bit on his lower lip, grinning like a teenager who was about to get laid. And that was exactly what was happening, since Tony wasn’t really an adult when it came to sex.

The girl slowly started unbuttoning her deep green mini dress, one button after another. Her green eyes were directed at Tony and were looking at him with such want, he couldn’t help but stir again. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life, and there was a small part of his brain – a very small one, for that matter – that was wandering how he actually managed to get her here. Yes, he was Tony Stark, but even his charm had its limits.

She looked like a royalty, someone so far out of his league it almost hurt him. Almost. But he was pretty sure the pain he felt right now had its source in too tight jeans. She was already without the dress, only black underwear on her white pale skin. There was something familiar about her, and it hit him as soon as he moved his glare from her boobs up to her green eyes. They felt too familiar and he realized that in just a second.

He didn’t really had much time to think about this one either, because the girl put her hands at the feet of the bed and moved further, like the most graceful cat walking on earth. Her hands were soon followed by her knees and she was slowly moving on her all fours towards Tony, a small seductive smile on her full red lips.

She was perfection, and it all felt like a dream, having her here and now.

It didn’t take her long to come close enough to place her hands on Tony’s thighs and moving them up and down to his knees and back. Her long black hair fell over her one arm as she moved even farther forward, her face now inches from Tony’s. He could feel her cold breath on his face, and why was it cold? He was pretty sure JARVIS maintained the proper temperature in his room.

The minute she placed a small kiss on Tony’s lips, his every thought disappeared. He raised his hands and placed them on both sides of her perfect hips, his thumbs moving under the material of her underwear. She bit his lower lip in return and moved her hips in a way that made Stark shiver. He was pretty sure that if only she had a tail, it would make graceful circles now.

He tightened his grip and made her sit on his lap, feeling her thighs on his half-hard cock. He let out a small moan right into her mouth at the feeling and she used that opportunity, sliding her tongue in between his lips gently.

The things she was doing to his tongue made Tony harder, and it was really starting to be painful for him to stay in his jeans. He broke the kiss, and grinned at her. As though she was reading his mind, her hands were now on the front of his pants, one stroking his cock softly through the material and the other working through his fly. Tony was only able to moan again, his hands on her ass, moving them as much as he could to feel her slick and delicate skin under his palms. Seconds later the small pain was gone completely and long fingers were burying themselves into his boxers, grabbing his cock and squeezing it gently.

Tony arched his head back and closed his eyes, rising his hips so she could take his pants off. She did it in a matter of seconds and was soon back on his thighs, a little heavier than before. Her hand came back to stroking him off, and he let out a louder moan, when her thumb moved ever so lightly over the tip.

“Oh, fuck, yeah, babe,” he groaned and moved his head to look at her.

What he saw startled him more than anything else in his life before.

There was no her on his thighs. It wasn’t her hand that was jerking him off. The long black hair was gone, replaced by a shorter style, combed to the back neatly. The seductive smile was now present on thin lips, one corner a little higher than the other. The only thing that stayed the same were the eyes. The same green eyes with a mischievous flick in them. The same eyes he has seen so often for the last weeks.

Loki’s eyes.

Tony sat abruptly on his bed, back in the facility.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he gasped, his eyes opened wide from shock.

He shook his head violently, trying to get rid of the images he dreamed about just moments ago, but they wouldn’t disappear. He kept seeing Loki’s green eyes in front of him, full of want and lust. It was so wrong and right at the same time.

Nothing about Loki ever made Tony think that the guy would do something like that. Hell, for some reason Loki seemed as pure as a Virgin freaking Mary. He was just so calm every time Stark saw him, his back straight, every move graceful and this smile that just couldn’t belong to someone like Tony, for example.

Then why did it feel right, feeling Loki’s hand on his cock?

Tony looked down at his lap and saw he was still hard. He cursed under his breath and tried to think about anything but the dream. He went through every unpleasant thought, that used to work in the past and slowly, the arousal was fading away, thank Gods.

He slumped back down onto the bed, leaving the covers at his hips.

Where did this even come from? Yes, he was somehow interested in the guy, but so far he was okay without thinking about him in that way. A heavy sigh escaped his lips when the dream flooded his mind again, images of Loki taking off his clothes, moving on the bed cat-like, kissing Tony and sucking his tongue, grabbing his-

No, that was getting him nowhere. He had to get rid of the memory somehow before his one-on-one today. He needed to find a way to just erase that from his brain, burn it out. He was pretty sure that if he can't do that, he won’t be able to look Loki in the eyes. The dream felt too real to just forget about it. Especially because there was no girl in the flashbacks now.

Tony kept his gaze at the ceiling, doing everything to get rid of Loki’s wanting eyes from his head. He had no idea what happened to him and what could possibly cause a dream like that. Yes, he was known for fucking every human being he found attractive enough to invite them to his bed. But he never, ever, had an erotic dream about any of those people. Even if he tried for more than one day to get them right where he wanted.

He couldn’t remember if he had this kind of dream about Pepper, when he had a crush on her back in the days she was the only girl he could talk to. And if he couldn’t remember that, he probably hadn't. Hell, he couldn’t really recall the last time he had a dream like that. Every sexy woman was at his disposal, he was known enough for them to actually stand in line sometimes, just to give him blowjob at least. He simply didn’t have a need for dreams like that, since whenever he wanted to get a release, he got one sooner, rather than later, and he didn’t have to use his hand and mind for that.

So, yeah. This was another new thing to him and he had no idea how to deal with it. Especially when it was Loki.

He couldn’t possibly come up with the reason why the dream actually happened. They got closer than doctor and patient at their last meeting. In some way, that is. But that still didn’t change the fact the door to Loki’s office were slammed just before his face without a word of good bye. Maybe it was nothing, but Tony wasn’t used to being treated like that, so it kind of made him feel bad.

He spent the rest of the day going through their session and trying to figure out what might have caused it. Loki was always the most kind person in this whole place, even when he didn’t have to be. If it wasn’t for him, Tony would never have gotten to make that call to Pepper on his first day, and who knows how her visits would look now. He didn’t have to do that, and even if it was pity behind his actions, Tony didn’t really care. Loki's intentions were good, that’s all that mattered.

Loki was just good, so his behavior startled Tony.

Of course, he came up with a few possibilities, one of them being the Doc was fighting with someone from his family. It was the most reasonable explanation out of every one Tony thought about. The other one was that Loki regretted getting this close to Tony – even an arm embrace must’ve been too much for doctor-patient relations – and simply was mad at himself, Tony, or maybe them both. So he slammed the door.

But Loki surely wasn’t the kind of guy who would do something like that. He was a professional, no matter if he happened to lose this professional composure once in a while. And just the thought of Loki regretting his actions with the engineer made his stomach turn unpleasantly.

This whole situation looked more and more like a teenage crush on Tony’s side, and he just hated that. He had had one in his life, at the right fucking time, but now he was old enough to not have to deal with this kind of shit. It made him downright angry to admit he had some more advanced feelings for his therapist. Pepper’s last visit made him think about it even more than previously, and he hated that. He hated his mind for coming up with the right conclusions so fast in this one moment. Every other right conclusion? Yes, please, that is more than acceptable.

But this? This was not what Tony agreed to when he was sitting in court, fighting an already lost – and wrong - battle. He was supposed to be here to fight with his addiction. And that was all.

There was no mention about the most perfect human in the history being his therapist. No, they surely forgot to mention that one.

Tony rolled his eyes at this thought and groaned loudly, turning on his side so he could hide his face into the pillow.

This was so stupid, he couldn’t even keep himself from feeling ashamed. And Tony Stark never felt ashamed, especially when alone with his thoughts.

He was starting to get tired of how his mind and body reacted to Loki whenever he was left alone - the way his heart was fluttering in his chest whenever he thought about the man, smiling or just looking at him kindly, while he listened to Tony’s stories. There was no fake curiosity in those looks. Every single one of Loki’s actions felt honest, and the billionaire didn’t really have contact with honesty often. There was Pepper, of course, but she often kept her thoughts for herself.

And Rhodey, of course. He never kept himself from \stating the viscious truth , even if there was a danger of their friendship being lost forever by that. Thank God, it hadn't happened so far. But the others? Tony wasn’t even sure if he could still trust Obie. And it wasn’t just the Board thing. Since the first night when his nightmare had changed from memories of the cave to his arc reactor being pulled out, there was this strange thought at the back of Tony’s head and it showed itself whenever his thoughts were calm.

There was just something in the look Obie gave him the first time Tony had showed him the device in his chest, while they were standing by the full-sized version of it. Back then, Tony hadn't paid much attention to it. He had already seen Pepper’s and Rhodey’s reactions – which weren’t that different, surprisingly – and his thoughts at that time were wrapped around possible ways of getting some meth. So no, he didn’t spend nights wondering about Obie’s actions and looks he received.

He still refused to do that. This was just impossible. Bringing back weapons manufactures to Stark Industries was one thing; his father’s best friend trying to hurt his son was another. Stane was many things, but definitely not the hostile person Tony should be afraid of. Not back then, not now and not ever. He had known the man all of his life, and he knew him well enough to know there was no possibility of him wanting to hurt Tony.

But he shouldn’t be worried about that now.

So, yes, Loki was the most honest person Tony had ever met since his mother died. And it felt… refreshing to have someone like this in his life again. Because whether Tony liked it or not, Loki had become part of his existence –the significance of that part, Tony had yet to figure out. But he was now more than sure it would not be a small part. The dream was somehow the proof of that.

And he still didn’t feel comfortable with it.

The only people he allowed to stay in his life were people who kept him alive – whether it was by checking on him a few times a day to make sure he was eating or just simply stopping by from time to time to see if he was okay. And it was usually enough for Tony to consider these people the most important ones. It was rare to have someone’s attention out of pure worry. Normally, people took interest in him because he had the money and looks (yes, the goatee was a good move on his part). His friends weren’t this kind of people, and he realized he would repay them enough for what they were doing for him.

He wasn’t sure if this  would be the case with Loki. Hell, he still knew close to nothing about him, how could he let him inside? Talking about his daddy issues and Afghanistan – he had to do that in order to get the help he needed, but letting Loki inside was out of the question for now. Even with his body and mind reacting the way it did at just the thought about the man. Tony just wasn’t sure if he could resist the urge to let him in. He was never good at thinking straight in more emotional – ugh – situations. This was-

The last time he had felt like this was with Pepper and it ended up with just friendship. After a long time of no-see. The case with Loki was different from the very beginning - Tony had no fucking idea how this would end.

And he couldn’t believe he was actually thinking about something like this right now.

He raised his head from the pillow and looked at the watch on his bedside table. Seeing it was four in the morning, he groaned loudly once again and let his head fall back down, hitting the mattress a little harder than he would like. He winced at the slight pain in the base of his nose and turned to lay onto his back, wrapping the sheets around him just for the sake of being surrounded by something.

The little jolt of pain somehow managed to slightly clear his thoughts, for which he was grateful. His train of thought was getting him nowhere, and he had just wasted time on unnecessary things when he could go back and sleep again. Sometimes he really hated his more-than-average brain.

Tony closed his eyes, his breath steady, the feeling of his half hard cock long gone. He took in a deep breath and turned on his side, hitting the pillow lightly a few times to make it more comfortable. Then he concentrated on his heartbeat. It always helped him to fall asleep. With that, he was ready to rest again.

But of course his mind wouldn’t let him have that.

Maybe a minute after he started feeling the familiar and pleasant numbness, Loki’s lustful eyes popped out right behind his eyelids. He raised them the next second, swearing louder than he should have.

There was just no way he could go back to sleep in this situation, so he sat up on the bed and slid his feet onto the cold floor. He sat like that for a few minutes, his hands on the edge of the mattress on both his sides, trying to clear his mind once again. He was getting better and better at that. Then he stood up and walked straight for the shower, leaving the doors to the bathroom open. There was no need to close them, no one was going to enter his room at this hour.

He set the water on a lower temperature than he usually did and stood under the stream, just enjoying the sensation. Showering was always one of the best parts of his day - or week , if he was working in his workshop until Pepper or Rhodey came and told him he stunk – so he always appreciated it. Small things that can make you happy, that’s how he called it. Other ones were") coffee, JARVIS (when he was being sassy and commenting on some of the articles about him) and, of course, a glass or bottle of a good alcohol.

Once Tony finished his morning routine, he left his room, wanting to find out if he would be able to get a big cup of hot coffee at this hour. Once he stepped into the corridor, he felt a little shiver run down his spine. It wasn't like he was scared or anything, he watched too much horror movies, so he knew how he was supposed to act if someone with a chainsaw was about to run at him from the side. The place was just so quiet he couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy about walking around. No matter how long he was here, he was sure he would never get used to the aura of this place.

As quietly as he could, he went downstairs, almost walking on his tiptoes. Once he saw the counter of reception, he knew there was a chance to have that coffee. Another young girl was sitting behind it, sipping a steaming liquid from a big cup. Tony smiled under his nose and walked towards her, still trying not to make too much noise. He almost reached the target when the girl raised her head from the papers she was going through. Her hand, which was raising the cup, stopped in midair and her eyes went wide from pure shock and surprise.

Very unusual view, Tony had to admit that. Of course it wasn’t the first – and obviously not the last – time when someone would react to him like that, but this girl was supposed to be a professional. There was a reason she was picked to work in this facility, after all. If she was about to react like that with every single famous person she saw, there’s was no way she would stay here for long. And for some reason this thought made Tony a little, just a little, sad. She seemed nice, no matter her current expression, so he didn’t want her to lose the job.

“Hi,” he said, smiling slightly at her, when he finally reached the counter. “Do you know where I can get coffee at this hour? I don’t think the kitchen is up and running yet.”

The girl just blinked a few times, her expression unchangeable for a few long moments. Tony started to think she was petrified by some Harry Potter creature hiding in the walls, as there was just no way someone could hold that kind of face this long.

“So?” he prompted after a minute of silence, his smile turning uneasy.

That seemed to wake her, since she placed her cup back down on the counter, a little too hard judging from the echo that went through the place, and stood up as fast as she could. So it seemed, at least. Next thing Tony knew, she was holding his elbow and directing him into the cafeteria. She was holding him tight, even a little too much maybe, which surprised him.

They entered the cafeteria, and he started to wonder if his elbow would survive when she let go of him and turned on her black high heels to face him. She darted her head up and she was no longer looking at him with shock. No, now she looked like Pepper when she was about to fight for Tony against the journalists. And whenever she did that – and she was doing that a lot – she looked like a predator; strong, determined and ready for blood, even if it was just metaphorical bloodshed.

“Wait here, Mr. Stark,” she said simply, her voice steady and she turned her back to him only to enter the kitchen seconds later. Tony stood where she left him, now more surprised by the quick changes in the girl.

Maybe she needed professional help as well? This was just way to creepy for him. First she reacts like the fangirls he meets every time he attends some kind of important event, and then in a matter of seconds she turns into Pepper. This was just freaking scary. And way too much for his decaffeinated brain.

She was back short while later, a cup as big as hers in her hands. Once she was close enough, Tony could smell the greatest aroma of coffee he had ever sniffed. He took it from her and, not minding about it burning his hands, took a small sip.

This was what he needed from the very moment he raised his eyelids this morning. He closed his eyes for a short second, enjoying every bit of dark liquid running through his body. He then looked at the girl, still standing in front of him, her expression still determined, as if she wanted to hear if Tony was pleased.

He smiled at her again, honestly and warmly this time and nodded. “Thanks, but you could’ve just told me they’re working,” he shrugged a little and took another sip. “But thanks anyway, really. I appreciate it-” he raised one eyebrow in a questioning manner.

She seemed to understand what he wanted to ask as soon as he did so, and she answered right away. “Violet. Violet Whitford,” she said, her cheeks going slightly pink even if her expression still remained the same.

Tony couldn’t really help but think about Pepper again. She was so much like his friend from the first years of their friendship, and he had known this girl literally a few minutes. His smile widened and he nodded, raising the hand with a cup slightly up and then back down.

“Thanks, V. Have a nice day.”

Without waiting for her to answer he turned around and unconsciously started walking towards the exit to the garden.

Even if he wasn’t allowed to leave the building at this hour, Violet said nothing and he walked out without a problem. The temperature outside was high enough for Tony not to shiver in his hoodie with the Stark Industries logo on the back and black jeans. He slowly made his way to the bovver, looking around the place as if he was seeing it for the first time.

It was still dark outside, the sun was only beginning to rise into the sky, and everything looked different than during the day. Obviously, he wasn’t able to see  what was too far in front of him, but he had walked this path so many times that at this point, he could reach his destination with his eyes closed.

No matter the dark of the night the path still looked welcoming and not even a bit scary. Or maybe it was just the fact that Tony knew it so well. Either way, he didn’t feel anything apart from the pleasant warmness going through his body every time he took a sip of his coffee and the working of caffeine in it. He was fully awake now and could control his thought better than half an hour ago.

He was sure there’ll be no one at the bovver. Not at this hour. The building seemed quiet enough, so he was sure he was the only patient who was up so early. He could have at least four hours of peace in his favourite place with no one bothering him, which felt almost like his workshop. He just didn’t have all the toys with him here, but he could live with that easily now.

He crossed the last turn and smiled at the familiar sight. His steps got a little faster, his eyes closed on the wooden entrance to the bovver. If there was something different in the view, he didn’t notice, so he was surprised once he was close enough to see it and not be able to back out unseen.

There was someone sitting in the middle of the wooden floor. They didn’t move for a long moment after Tony saw them, which gave him some time to look closer since he was now bound to at least apologize for coming in on them.

The person sat with their legs pulled up to their chest, arms tightly wrapped around them. He – because Tony assumed it was a man, even curled up like that he seemed pretty tall – had his head tipped up, looking at the sky visible through the hole in the roof of the bovver. Even without looking closely at his face, which was impossible because of the darkness around them, the engineer was sure the guy had to be looking at the stars with wonder. After all, there was a reason why he hadn’t even moved to look at the newcomer.

Tony wondered after a moment if he would be able to back out of the place quietly enough for the man not to notice him. He decided to try a second later, gritting his teeth at the fact he wouldn’t get to sit in his place today. He had already claimed this place as his so the fact that after so much time he met someone else here made him feel a little overprotective.

He made a small step back, his eyes still locked on the immobile silhouette and when nothing happened he made another step.

He made no noise, he was more than sure because he haven’t heard a thing. That’s why he almost spilled his coffee on himself when the guy finally moved his head to look in his direction. And he did it so fast Tony was surprised there was no moan of pain from the movement. He knew it would hurt him and he wasn’t even certain if he could move his fingers that fast, let alone his neck.

There was a quiet sigh and the guy stood up, his face visible in the mixed moonlight and first sun beams of the day. “I’m sorry, I had no idea someone would come here this early.”

Tony didn’t reply with anything to that. Hell, he couldn’t even think about anything, since he was now looking straight into a pair of deep green eyes.

Loki took a few steps in his direction, a shadow of a gentle smile playing on his lips. “Is everything okay-“ he stopped for an unknown reason, but finished a short moment later, “Tony?”

The engineer just nodded and tried to make his brain work properly again. He just had this one problem that looked a lot like Loki’s lustful expression from his last dream. He stood there for what felt like a small eternity, when in reality it could have been just few seconds. Still, it felt awfully long for him to regain his composure, pushing the memory of his dream away, even just a little, so he could actually speak up.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. All fine,” he replied, words leaving his mouth in a fast strain. He winced a little, hoping that Loki could actually understand him, since it all sounded to him like some babbling. He needed to get his shit back together fast, or else he’ll have made a total jerk in front of the Doc, and that was one of the things he wanted to avoid at all costs.

Loki nodded in return, his smile now fully visible on his face and he walked down the steps to stand not so far from Tony. “That’s good,” he nodded again and turned his face to glance at the spot he was sitting at just moments ago. “Sorry again. I forgot you enjoy the place as well,” he said and his eyes were back on Tony again.

Stark tried to ignore the pictures his mind was pushing at him when he looked straight into the green orbs. It was just a second, but it still was enough for him to feel like Loki was able to read his whole mind, every thought he had in his life. And the dream. The feeling was strong enough he decided to keep his gaze on his coffee cup only. The situation was already uncomfortable enough for him – and just for him. He didn’t need another reason to feel like a parent who just caught his son jerking off with Playboy on his lap.

Because that’s how Loki made him feel. Uncomfortable. Maybe he discovered it just this morning, but he was sure of it. The dream was enough of an indication. There was just this thing about Loki that Tony never thought of, but was always there, every time they’ve met. Even now.

For some reason the man seemed way older than he appeared to be. It wasn’t about the fact he worked in the best facility in the whole country, when his looks clearly indicated he left college just a few years ago. Tony was in no place to judge that. It was his behavior and the way he acted around people that had the engineer thinking like this.

He definitely had too much free time here with nothing to do but think. And the fact he had a crush – because it was just a crush, and nothing more – on Loki only made things more unbearable at times. Without this thing, he would be only haunted by his fears that would be slowly fading away as they did lately with each one-on-one with the Doc.

Of course, he was spending a great amount of time thinking about the man. He was going through and analyzing every single minute he spent with Loki he could remember, and given the fact he was paying more attention to the last few sessions, there were a lot of minutes to analyze.

Tony couldn’t believe how he hadn't realize that before, but Loki’s eyes looked like they’ve seen much more than an average man his age did. There were these features on his face and in the way he moved that indicated he went through a lot in his life. There was the same aura around him that surrounded his mother, back when Tony saw her for the first and only time. It was just she seemed to have lived enough for it to be visible without even thinking about it.

Loki was different from her - hell, they didn’t even have the same eyes or hair, but this one thing remained the same. They both looked like they had lived at least hundreds of years, that was the only simple explanation he could come up with.

And now, seeing Loki so close to him, in the moonlight, made the feeling even stronger. Loki’s eyes showed that he must’ve lived through many centuries.

As much as that was impossible, Tony couldn’t stop catching himself actually believing in that since the moment he came to that conclusion. Now it was even easier to believe that. And a little painful as well, seeing hints of pain and longing as he looked at the sky again.

“The stars here are so beautiful,” Loki said quietly and stared for a long time, before he turned back  to face Tony.

“I, uh…” Stark started and switched the weight of his body from one leg to another, his eyes focused back on the coffee. “Yeah, they are nice, I guess,” he said and winced a second later. He knew he should apologize for walking in on him. Even if he was just admiring the stars. But it was still hard for Tony to do that, even for such little things. He just wasn’t used to that.

He heard the Doc laugh shortly, but tenderly in a way, and couldn’t stop himself from jerking his head up to look at him.

The smile he saw on the pale face made his legs a little weak, and he hoped Loki wasn’t able to see how fast he was actually breathing.

His body was doing this thing again. He was acting like a lovelorn teenager, all fast and heavy beating of his heart and breathing, and his legs becoming unable to support his weight. This was getting to the point where Tony wanted just one thing - to wrap his arms around Loki’s neck, bring him as close to himself as possible and just kiss him until they were both faint from the lack of air. And he knew he would love every second of it, no matter the following consequences.

“You don’t even have any idea how nice they really are, Tony,” Loki said, his voice waving the image away from Stark’s mind. “Can I know what are you doing up so early?”

The smile was still present on his face, and it made difficult for Tony to concentrate enough on an answer. That’s why he said something, and he wanted to shoot himself the second it left his mouth.

“Couldn’t sleep because of a dream.” And his cheeks went pink, he could feel the blood boiling in the thin veins under his skin there. “And you?”

“Similar,” the man shrugged and his smile faded away immediately. “I would ask you about your dream, but I’ll have plenty of time later today.”

This sounded like a threat, and the engineer was pretty sure he wasn’t imaging this. His cheeks must have been red by now, as red as Violet’s hair.

And the worst thing of it all was, he had no idea how to reply to that.

* * *

It had been such a long time since he watched Midgard’s stars. With all the work he constantly had, all the files to go through, documents he had to fill and write and stick to his schedule, he was barely able to find some time to read at least one chapter of some book.

He couldn’t sleep at all tonight, his mind was taken over by Frigga and her visit. Going back to Asgard wasn’t what he wanted to do in the near future. He knew this would come sooner or later, it was just a matter of time before he would become fully human, and there were reasons why he couldn’t let that happen. But now? Now wasn’t good at all, he couldn’t leave all his patients and Tony. He had convinced his mother to talk Odin so Loki could stay here just two more months. Thor could wait.

He knew the answer was meant to be given to him through the stars. His mother’s ways of sending out messages without Heimdall’s help and sending a few Asgardians to Earth were very interesting, and at times beautiful.

Loki suspected the reason  he couldn’t sleep tonight was the waiting for the answer. At least partially. She should have talked to Odin by now, even if the Allfather was sometimes hard to convince to change his decisions. He didn’t do that often, and even if he did, it wasn’t something as big as Loki had asked for through his wife. His request might have been doomed since the very second it left his mouth, but he had to at least try.

Leaving all his patients now would be one of the worst things to him. Even if they would be given someone as good as Loki as a replacement. If he wanted it or not, he was getting emotionally involved in the cases of some of them and he had no regrets. No one, even a God – or a Trickster – could just walk by some stories.

And Tony’s story was one of a kind. He would be a fool to drop that.

He was still very determined to help the engineer, to make his world a better place, his mind even more open than it already was and to open him to the people that care about him. Because no matter how much he let Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodey in his life, there was still a barrier between them and Tony. It was clear, and it was this barrier that was messing with his life.

And now with Loki’s.

He was shaken out of his reflection as he saw in the night sky what he was looking for. A silent message from Frigga. An ordinary person would see nothing strange in the stars tonight, but for someone like Loki, the sky looked totally different for a split second. And it was enough for him to let out a deep sigh of relief and relax. He sat with his legs close to his chest in the middle of the bovver and was staring at the now normal sky. It was clear tonight, the moon few days from being full.

He spent a few hours in this position, just staring. It was his own way of celebrating good news. He could feel the first sun beams warming the air, when something made him look at the path.

He would recognize that face and silhouette in the darkest place of the universe.

He was aware that what he felt and was doing with the mortal were wrong, both in Asgard and on Midgard, since he wasn’t acting like a professional anymore. But Loki was never the one to obey the rules, and since he had stayed here for so many years and never broke even one of them… It would have happened sooner or later, anyway.

At least that’s what he told himself.

A few minutes later and he couldn’t stop a chuckle from leaving his mouth. The man was standing in front of him, obviously ashamed of something, and it was so surreal considering his previous behavior and his friends’ stories that he really wasn’t able to stop himself. It was also more than obvious he was embarrassed because of the mentioned dream, and it just made Loki even more curious about it.

For a minute he even considered asking him about it here and now, but Tony wouldn’t tell him a thing in this state. Instead, he decided to change the subject and asked him about his creations and if he had ever built a telescope.

That seemed to ease the situation a lot, and a moment later the mortal was walking slowly towards the steps, motioning with his free hand at the stars and saying he himself never thought about it, but NASA had asked him a few times and he had to finally agree to their requests. So, Loki asked further, more and more questions leaving his mouth with every answer that left the ones belonging to the other.

And he couldn’t stop thinking how beautiful the man looked when he talked about his favourite things in the world.


	11. X. The Race

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song that helped me write this chapter is _The Race_ by 30 Seconds To Mars. I recommend cause it's amazing.
> 
> Thank you for comments and kudos, and leave a review if you like the chapter! C;

Tony had absolutely no idea how this happened. He wasn't going to question that, though. Not when he was outside of the building, away from Loki's office and sitting with the man for what must've been hours by now.

The sun was high in the sky, its beams lighting up the bovver and trees surrounding it, making it possible to see every single emotion that crossed Loki's face without the need for Tony to narrow his eyes and get closer to him. Not that he wouldn't like that, but he still wasn't sure about the object of his- affections, and he didn't even dare to think about the risk.

So, he was sitting in the middle of the bovver with his legs spread out wide in front of him with Loki sitting with his own legs crossed, exactly in between Tony's feet. He had felt awkward with that at the beginning, but once they started talking, he forgot about it. He forgot about his dream, about the anger he felt every time his body reacted the way it did at as much as thought of Loki. He forgot about everything that could make him uncomfortable in Loki's presence.

And it felt damn good.

He was pretty sure he was the one who did all the talking during the hours they had spent together, but Loki didn't seem to mind at all. He kept his eyes on Tony, not even once looking away. He watched him and only him as he talked about his inventions and future plans. Occasionally, he cut Tony off with a question, and it was always connected with what the engineer was talking about. It seemed like Loki was drinking in every single word that left Tony's mouth, and he seemed to understand a big part of what he was saying, which was a new thing to him. Not even some of the employees of Stark Industries could understand him at times.

Maybe he should be thinking about reasons why Loki kept sitting here with Tony. What were his motivations and targets. For all he knew it might've been Loki's trick to get Tony to talk even more than he did at their meetings. A way to get all the information he needed without their deal hanging over him.

But it seemed just impossible every time Stark looked at Loki and saw this bright green eyes looking at him with pure curiosity and joy. The way his lips twisted into a small smile every time their eyes met made Tony's heart beat faster in his chest. And was it just his imagination or was Loki moving closer and closer?

Tony frowned a little, but continued the talking, unable to stop himself. "Writing his code was a hell of a job. It took me a few months before I had the first version and it was just base code," he took in a deep breath before continuing. "But the ending result made it all worth it. Every single sleepless night spent over blueprints and in front of computer screens. I was almost bleeding from my eyes close to the end, but when I heard him greet me in his british accent for the first time..." Tony smiled brightly, recalling the events in his memory. "It's one of the best feelings in the world. And I might sound cheesy here, but it's true."

Loki watched him for a moment before nodding. "I understand what you mean more than you think," he smiled, but there was something in that smile and in his eyes that told Tony he wasn't really happy. Tony's story must've brought up some memories for Loki himself, and obviously these weren't happy ones.

Suddenly he felt sad as well for making Loki feel like that and, without even thinking about it, he reached a hand towards him, grabbing Loki's and squeezing gently.

His therapist raised his eyebrows in surprise, but didn't pull away. He did something totally unexpected, and Tony couldn't help but back away at that. Loki _squeezed back_.

Why did he do that? He wasn't supposed to do that. He was supposed to slap Tony's hand and tell him that he was going too far, and they won't talk anymore. He should walk away from here, leaving Tony alone in the bovver so he could curse at himself for not using his grey cells.

_Why did he squeeze back, for fuck's sake?_

Tony hid both his hands under his thighs and avoided looking at Loki. He was afraid of what he might see in his green eyes. There could be anything really. It could be something good, like pleasant surprise maybe, but it also could be something bad. Like disgust, dissatisfaction or... disdain. And Tony wasn't brave enough to look up and see. Because if it would be the very latter, it would hurt too much.

He really was head over heels for Loki, wasn't he?

He must've been if he was scared enough not to raise his eyes and see the other's reaction. It was so not like him; he always did exactly opposite. Watch other people's reaction and bathe in fame and glory or hate and alcohol. After a short time he stopped caring which one he did more often, because that's how life looked. Once you were up and once down.

And yet he still was looking at the wooden floor of the bovver, avoiding a pair of the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen. Because he was _scared_.

There was a long silence between them, longer than Tony would like and he started considering getting up and just walking away. Maybe he should ditch the session as well? It's not like it would make any difference, he just talked so much it would easily fill at least four of their meetings.

But then he realized he had only two weeks left, and after that, he will probably never see Loki again. He was so confused, because he wanted to see the man as much as he could, but on the other hand, he still was scared and embarrassed about what took place seconds ago - or minutes now?

A short laugh shook him out of his reverie and, forgetting about all these thoughts that crossed his mind, he looked up.

Loki wasn't looking at him - which sent a bolt of unpleasantness through Tony - and there was a smirk on his lips. A mischievous one. Tony frowned at that and watched him for a long while before the therapist decided to turn his eyes on him again.

"You're really hard to decipher, you know that?" Loki said, still smirking. "Usually, that is."

"Am I? That's a good thing, right?"

"It depends. It's not good for my job," Loki replied and frowned. "It's hard to get any information from you even now, when you're talking. It gives me a lot, but it's still... not enough. I need to know a lot to help you. I need your memories to help you, and you are determined to keep them away from me."

"No, I'm not," Tony's response was fast, maybe too fast even, but he felt like Loki wasn't honest with this one. "I'm talking with you, I am telling you my point of the stories and memories. I don't understand-"

"No, you're not," Loki cut him off, his voice soft, but his face a little twisted. "I've already told you, the day we were making our deal, what I need to hear from you in order to help you. And you are not fulfilling your part one hundred per cent. You are still doing everything to hide your feelings from me.”

"My feelings,” Tony repeated, his eyebrows raised slightly in disbelief. "You get to know my fucking point of view, that's more than even Pepper gets from me, and yet you're still complaining,” he barked at the man, fisting his hands just to unclench them the next second. "I don't need to put up with this shit.”

Anger came out of nowhere really, and if it wasn't for the fact it hid every rational part of Tony's brain away from him, he would do something to calm down. But now all he wanted to do was punch Loki right in the center of his pretty face and, even mad, he knew this was a bad idea.

Stark stood up and made few angry steps towards the path, but he was stopped by a strong and cold hand around his wrist. He turned around just to see Loki's face inches away from his, his head lowered and green eyes staring right into his brown ones.

"You can't run away from them forever, Tony. I want to help you. All you need to do is to let me,” Loki said slowly, his breath surrounding Tony from everywhere.

He was still angry. Of course he was after what he heard before that, anyone would be. But feeling Loki so close made him almost shiver in something Tony was sure he would never feel in front of the man. The dream was enough for him, but that...

He couldn't take his eyes away from Loki's, and it just made things worse. He could feel himself leaning closer with every breath he took. He knew this was wrong, this whole situation was downright wrong and it was never supposed to happen. Tony should have walked away once he saw Loki in the middle of the bovver, but he was so blind. And he was about to pay the price.

He felt a wave of desperate need every time Loki's breath filled his nostrils, the scent so strange and familiar at the same time. He needed to do just this one thing. After that, everything would go back to normal, because that's how it always worked with him.

He didn't even close his eyes and neither did Loki. They were both staring at each other, and Tony was sure the other could see everything in his eyes and face, and yet he did nothing. He didn't back away, his didn't leave Tony alone, he was still standing now barely an inch away from the engineer, his eyes wide with surprise.

Loki allowed himself to blink and that's when Tony made the last inch disappear between them. He caught Loki's lower lip in between his own and sucked at it for a short second before he started the actual kiss.

He tasted like snow. Nothing less and nothing more, and it reminded Tony of Christmas and the little cabin in the Appalachian Mountains he and his parents used to visit, at least for one Christmas Day. He closed his eyes at the memory and pushed it away, concentrating on his actions now.

It was a bad move on his side, because he almost lost complete control over himself. His one hand was now in Loki's hair keeping him close, the other still blocked by the cold fingers.

He didn't try to deepen the kiss, not even once. Tony just moved his lips against Loki's, who seemed more than eager to reciprocate the kiss and it didn't take long for them to catch the same rhythm. It felt so good, Tony was pretty sure right then and there that he could just spend days, or even weeks, kissing Loki like this.

But eventually they had to break apart for breath. The silence that fell between them made Tony think of the type of silence before the storm. Soon it turned into tension and Tony opened his eyes, looking up at Loki.

He never saw a more confused look than the one he saw on Loki. And for some reason, it made him feel bad about what just happened. But before he could think anything more, Loki moved away from him and disappeared from his view. Tony turned and saw him walking fast down the path, without so much of at least a glance in his direction.

And just like that Loki was gone, finally leaving Tony alone, just like he wanted to be.

* * *

It was 3pm on the dot. And he was still sitting in his room, unable to move even a finger.

He just looked at the clock on his bedside table, watching the small hands moving around, now way to slow for him.

He had no idea why he didn’t go to the session. After all, he wanted to see Loki as much as he could before leaving the facility to go back to his life before this whole shit in Afghanistan happened. And yet there was this awful feeling in his chest that kept him immobile on the bed in his room. He couldn’t bring himself to stand up, leave the room and walk down the hallway. He just couldn’t. And the fact he didn’t know why pissed him off.

Well, he knew why he was feeling like this. But he had no idea why he felt like this at all. He had kissed, or more likely fucked, so many people in his life, important people, people he had to see after the sex and he never, never felt the way he did now. It was just a fucking kiss, nothing more. There was no tongue in there, so it was more like a brush of their lips than an actual kiss.

And yet he felt like he did something horrible, something he really shouldn’t have and that there was nothing but punishment waiting for him outside.

He didn’t regret what he did. Well, maybe a little bit, but just because Loki left without a word or even a glance. He kissed Tony back, so there had to be something in his head as well. Because he wouldn’t do that just because he wanted to be nice. More likely he would push Tony away as soon as he saw what was about to happen.

But Loki just stood there, like he was paralyzed, and watched, waited for Tony to do what he did. And he fucking _kissed back_. Like he wanted that too.

This situation needed to be solved. There was no way Tony would get away with skipping the rest of the remaining sessions, and sooner or later he would have to face Loki again. And he would have to explain himself. Because the man was his therapist, he loved to talk about the problems and this undoubtedly was a problem between them. They needed to get everything clear before they could continue with their meetings. A good thing in this whole situation was that there was not many of them left, so Tony won’t have to feel awkward all that often.

The only questions remaining were: how will he explain himself and how will Loki react.

The first one was the easy one. Tony had to explain himself and his actions so many times before Pepper came, so then he had to explain himself just to her, he knew how to get out of this without getting very embarrassed or awkward.

The second question was the one that made him wince in fear every time he thought about it. Because Loki – he was like the biggest fucking enigma Tony had ever seen in his life. No matter how much time he had already spent on analyzing every single one of his action, he was still a big question mark for Tony.

He always did the unexpected, like he wanted to piss you off and make you more confused. Almost like he had a way to get into your head, see your thoughts at the exact moment, so he could see what he wasn’t supposed to do. Good thing Tony didn’t believe in supernatural stuff, this would made things even scarier than they already were.

What would Loki do if Tony now knocked to his office? There were many possibilities. He could slam the door in his face, scream at him for being so immature and irresponsible, or – and the idea Tony liked the most – he would pull him inside and kiss him again, and then, preferably, they would fuck on the couch, floor or desk.

He hated his brain for the last one, but these kind of visions were now flooding his mind. And it was all because he knew the kiss wasn’t one-sided. This information made everything harder, and although Tony loved the idea of Loki being interested in him in _that way_ , it still was wrong.

He didn’t want to bring more trouble with himself into the house. He would undoubtedly let Pepper take care of it for him and he didn’t want to cause her trouble again. Not at the beginning at least.

He had to leave the facility clean, without any unfinished businesses.

It took a lot of his will power to make himself sit up and slide his legs onto the floor. He was about to stand up when he heard a knock on the door.

 _That’s it, I’m busted_ , he thought to himself when he was walking towards the door. It didn’t take them long to find out Tony was just skipping the session. Violet was probably standing outside, and Tony could see her tough face as she was about to grab his arm again and drag him to Loki’s office. He smirked at that and opened the door.

He was sure it was Violet who came for him, which wouldn’t be all that bad since he actually decided to go there just seconds ago.

But it wasn’t the receptionist that stood in the hallway. It was Loki.

Tony held his breath and eyed him for a long moment, his eyes wide in shock. The other man was not that emotional. His face was blank, casual, almost like in their first group session. But there was a difference in this expression and that didn’t help Tony one bit.

Loki wasn’t smiling, and it wasn’t a good sign for the engineer. It was bad, really, really bad, he could feel it.

“Mr. Stark,” Loki nodded in a greeting, his voice as emotionless as his face. “May I come in?”

 _Fuuuu-_ “Uh, yeah,” Tony muttered and moved to the side, making room for the man.

Loki slowly walked inside and stopped by Tony’s bed, turning to face him. He sent him a waiting look, and the engineer snapped out of shock before closing the door.

“I assume you know why I came here,” the doctor started, now turning his back on him and walking to the other side of the bed. Tony had a strange feeling Loki wanted be as far from him as possible, and he didn’t like that one bit.

Tony just nodded in response when Loki finally graced him with another look and hid his hands in the pockets of his jeans, still standing by the door.

“You didn’t show up on time in my office, so-“

“Yeah, about that,” Tony cut him off, wincing apologetically. “I was just about to go. To your office. To… talk.”

The other eyed him for a short moment, but he didn’t look like he believed him. Well, fuck.

“I wanted to apologize,” Loki said out of the blue, shocking Tony again. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I have no explanation for why I did it.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at him. He was apologizing? _Him_? The fucker did that again. He said something Stark wasn’t expecting, and now as a result he had no idea what to respond. Because, c’mon, it wasn’t Loki's fault. He wasn’t the one who initiated the kiss, he only kissed back, it wasn’t that much of a crime (although it made Tony even more confused about the whole situation).

Tony shook his head and glared at Loki. “I should be the one apologizing here, doc,” he said slowly, swaying on the heels of his feet. “It was stupid, irresponsible and- stuff like that,” he waved his hand dismissively. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what was I thinking.”

The last one was a lie, obviously. Of course he knew what was he thinking. He remembered every single second of the kiss and moments before. And he would probably remember them yet for a long time.

“You’re a bad liar, Mr. Stark,” Loki remarked with a smirk on his thin lips. “As much as I would die to know what _exactly_ went through your head, I don’t think talking about it is a good idea.”

“Why?” the question left Tony’s mouth before he could even think about it. And he found himself regretting it just a little.

It was weird that suddenly Loki wasn’t that interested in whatever Tony’s thoughts were. He was always all about “I need your thoughts, tell me all about them”, so now it was really confusing. Besides, Stark felt like he wanted, _needed_ to talk about this particular thing with Loki. It was about the man, after all, he should want it, too, shouldn’t he?

 For the second time in his life he actually wanted to talk with someone, anyone about his feelings, thoughts, but this time seemed to have become a failure. A big one.

“Anthony,” Loki breathed out exasperated, apparently losing his patience. “This was never supposed to happen. I let myself get too close with you, but I was sure it was for your own good. I made things worse instead, for which I beg your forgiveness,” Tony could swear he saw a wince crossing Loki's face for a short second. The same second, when he himself felt like something in his chest was about to break into pieces. “Forget about this. Forget this ever happened and I will be able to help you.”

The way he said it; like he was begging Tony to stop all of this nonsense and act like a doctor and patient should. It didn’t make Tony feel any better. Surprisingly, it was exactly the opposite. The pain in his chest somehow grew and he had to fist his hands so he wouldn’t grab the front of his hoodie. He didn’t even want to watch Loki at this point. It was obvious what the man thought about him.

And Tony could always tell when everything was lost. There was no point in talking now. Both of them didn’t see it, as it turned out.

Tony bit on the inside of his cheeks, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply before he exhaled slowly. “Yeah, whatever,” he muttered and waved his hand, forgetting about the fist.

He heard nothing in response for a long while.

“Do I have your word?” Loki asked quietly, like he was unsure of something.

He wanted a word? A fucking promise? This was just too much for Tony for some damn reason he didn’t want to think over now or ever. He clenched his teeth, feeling the growing rage and this time it took more than one deep breath until he was sure he could speak.

But even then he couldn’t. How could he forget about something like that? The kiss felt like a fucking tattoo burned into his brain, in every cell. He could still feel Loki’s lips on his, especially now when they were alone in one room. It was sick and stupid and irrational. So like Tony. And now he was made to choose – his health or the feeling he was pretty sure he felt for the first time in his life.

It was a tough choice. He was pretty sure that even if he had a few days to think this over, he wouldn’t be able to make a decision even then. He had Pepper to make choices for him, from business to his underwear.

But he was alone now. And he had no time to think which option was the best. Which one was the best for him. He was a genius and his brain was fast, but when it came to something like that,  he wasn’t sure Steven Hawking would make a decision.

“Anthony,” Loki called, louder this time. “Do I have your word?” he asked with force, and maybe desperation even, Tony couldn’t really tell.

If he could run, he would undoubtedly do that in this moment. He would run from the choice, from the feeling. From Loki. From everything. Suddenly he wanted his old life back. Constant parties, drinking and different girl or guy every night. Life was simple back then, even if he occasionally was threatened with a baby or some stupid lawsuit about the girl being underage. He really wanted those times back, because at least he fucking knew how to act. He would find himself perfectly comfortable there, even with the arc reactor since it stopped really bothering him.

He realized why he didn’t do feelings. The same happened with him and Pepper back in the days, but she still meant too much to him to just let her go. Becoming friends was the best option to him , he was granted that from the very beginning, so erasing bigger feelings for her wasn’t really that hard.

With Loki, the case was now completely different, feelings were much stronger than the ones Tony remembered feeling around Pepper. And there was nothing granted for him this time as well. The case was lost from the beginning, but it took a kiss and a short unpleasant talk for the engineer to realize that.

“Yes, Dr. Odinson,” Tony said slowly, every word leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. “You have my word.”

He heard nothing in return. No sigh of relief. No satisfied snort. Nothing.

There was just silence; silence falling in the room between both of them. Seconds stretched into minutes and minutes stretched into hours. At least that’s how Tony felt. He wanted Loki out as soon as possible, but at the same time he wanted him to stay as long as he only could. Because who would make him feel better if not his therapist? They were paid for that, after all.

Finally the sound of feet on the carpet filled the room, and Tony knew it was Loki walking away. He didn’t move, didn’t look up, he did absolutely nothing but stare at the floor. But when Loki was barely an inch away from him, when he could smell his scent, feel the warmth emanating from his body, he jerked his head up and looked straight at the window.

“And don’t you  ever call me Anthony again,” Tony shot with a husky voice, nails digging into his palm.

Loki stopped in his tracks at the sound of the engineer’s words and stood motionless for a long moment before he turned his head and looked at Tony.

Stark saw everything in the window, he didn’t need to even move his eyes to see how Loki’s hand jerked a little in Tony’s direction. It sent a shiver down his spine, the pain in his chest getting heavier for a moment. But when he saw the long fingers clenching into a fist, everything was suddenly gone. Nothing was left inside him. Nothing but the numbness.

Loki walked away without a word, closing the doors quietly behind him.

* * *

It was stupid. This whole situation was so fucking dumb Tony couldn’t believe something like that happened to him. And the way he behaved wasn’t really helping, either.

He was _worse_ than a lovelorn teenager. Way worse. In fact, he acted like the women in harlequin stories for other women, who need an unreal love story to read from time to time. And Tony was one of those women, who actually treated the stories as true and absolutely possible.

And, yeah, that was enough to ruin the mood for the rest of his life.

But there was this thing with Loki not wanting him as well, and even though this happened to him a few times before, it still hurt this time. He had finally admitted in front of himself that he had some kind of feelings for his therapist that wasn’t just a doctor-patient relationship or even friendship. No, it was something more and Tony hadn't felt more since Pepper when he was somewhere around twenty.

To have finally admitted to the feeling and then being rejected a few days later by the person one has feelings for.. It would be safe to say Tony was “on edge” since then.

He attended the remaining two sessions in the week. He walked at 3pm to Loki’s office, knocked a few times and entered when the man let him in. The deal between them was gone; Loki was the only one who asked questions during the whole hour and Tony was answering them, blankly and dutifully. Like he was expected to. He talked about everything that was coming to his mind as the questions reached his ears. In his opinion, Loki should be satisfied with him, he did what he was supposed to do.

Yet both times, when Tony let himself look at his face – and he tried not to do that for obvious reasons – there was something off in his expression. He was still smiling kindly whenever he opened the door to let him in and out after the session was over. But the smile was present maybe for a full minute each time before it faded into an expression that made Tony feel slightly uneasy.

There was something about his eyes, the way they were narrowed slightly, and that little frown that caused a small wrinkle to appear in between his straight eyebrows. There was something in the way his jaw was set, like he was clenching his teeth most of the time, and the way his lips were stretched in a one thin and straight line.

And the look in his eyes. Tony was doing his best not to look in them, because that would be just the stupidest thing to do since he still remembered every bit of what happened last time. Yet there was one time, the first session after the kiss. He showed up on time and walked inside, nodding at Loki before he sat down on the furthest end of the couch. Then Loki asked him about his day, Tony answered dutifully and, out of a habit, glanced at his therapist.

That’s when he saw it, and it literally sent shivers down his spine. It wasn’t a look that would scare or make anyone uneasy. But it did just that to Tony for some reason, and he decided to never look in these green eyes again out of pure fear of seeing the same thing again.

Loki was angry. And helpless, and not satisfied, and maybe sorry. There was a hint of ‘broken’ in there as well, and Tony couldn’t comprehend how one person could show so many emotions just in one look. That was the moment the engineer knew Loki saw through him. He tried not to care, but of course his mind wasn’t listening to him. Still, he decided he would answer the questions like Loki wanted him to.

Now, there was just a week left - he already survived five days of sessions, avoiding Loki and the bovver, and sitting alone in his room consumed with thoughts. He could do another seven days. It was worth the waiting. He would finally be free again, he would be able to do whatever the fuck he wants to, and now he even had an idea _what exactly_ he would do once he’s out.

Without weapons, he had lots of free time on his hands. The arc reactor was an almost unlimited power source, as long as he had palladium under his hand, which he did. He had promised Yinsen he would make good use of it and that he would leave something more than weapons as his legacy. He had his own father as competition, but he knew he could do way more than Howard, thanks to the better technology. His brain was already coming up with things, improvements of the suit he built back in the caves on top.

After watching the news one evening, he realized closing the weapons manufacturing wasn’t enough. The Ten Rings still had his weapons, still used his inventions to kill people who were meant to be protected. Tony still had a lot of work to do if he wanted to get rid of at least some of the blood on his hands. He knew he would never be able to get clean, even if he somehow brought the world peace. All he could do now is something better that could help him make the memory of himself more friendly and pleasant for the future generations. And the new suit he created in his head was meant to help him with that.

He was excited about building it. So excited he felt like telling everyone he met about this, but he couldn’t have that. No one knew about the arc reactor, and the suit had to remain a mystery as well. Well, maybe not the suit but the person inside it for sure. He was planning on doing big things after all.

Tony looked at the ceiling in his room and then at the clock on his bedside table. Pepper was supposed to be here any minute now, so he stood up from the bed, locked the room and walked downstairs, not even looking in the direction of Loki’s office. He was by the reception and nodded to Violet in a greeting, when the front door opened and Pepper stepped inside.

Tony smiled widely and met her halfway, letting her squeeze the air out of him with her arms.

“Good to see you, too,” he laughed shortly as she finally let him go.

They didn’t go to the bovver. He also didn’t want to take her to his room. Common room was out of the question as well, since it was now crowded with people. Tony went for the garden and one of the small white tables that were standing just outside the building. He picked the one standing the farthest from the exit and pulled a chair for Pepper and himself.

“Something happened to the bovver?” she asked curiously as they sat down.

“Nah,” he replied and smiled wryly in response, glancing down at the wooden table in between them. “I’m just not in the mood.”

Pepper frowned at him, surprised with his answer, but said nothing. She was good at sensing when it was not okay to push further.

“So, how are you?” she rested her elbows on the armrests of her chair and leaned in to look at Tony with a soft smile. “Ready to go back to the world?”

The engineer laughed shortly at that and nodded, leaning back in his own chair. “Yeah, I guess I am. I have lots of stuff to do.”

“Ah, yes. I’m already collecting papers you need to sign. There are lots of them, if I have to be honest,” she teased him with a grin.

“Are you Satan?” he teased back, shaking his head. “Seriously Pep. Obie was in charge, you should make him sign all the papers. In two weeks I will probably have one hand left,” he sighed mockingly.

“I’m good with that as soon as you sign them.”

They both laughed loudly for a long moment before Tony asked about the company. They’ve spent most of the time talking about the strategy considering stopping the board and Obie from bringing SI back in the military business. He knew they had a hard task in front of them, but they had worse in the past. This one should go smooth, especially if Tony talked with Obie and his father’s friend was willing to listen.

The sun was shining at them most of the time, and when the he saw the shadow of the house falling over them, he finally realized how long they were talking. Good thing they didn’t have strict visiting hours in this facility. But that didn’t mean Pepper wouldn’t leave soon. Actually their meeting was coming to an end, since they had already gone through everything they usually did.

“So,” Pepper started and sent Tony a curious look. “How are things with you and Loki?” she asked slowly and carefully.

Tony felt a jolt of cold going through his body and he stirred in his chair, looking away from his friend. “What things? We don’t have _things_ ,” he replied quickly and did his best to hide a wince.

“Something happened,” he heard her and it wasn’t a question. How come she was able to know that kind of thing from watching him for one minute? He was like an open book for her and right now he hated that more than anything.

“Nothing happened, don’t worry, Pep,” he tried and risked looking at her, wry smile twisting his lips. “Everything is okay, sessions are okay, as he will probably tell you in a few minutes. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look like it,” she commented and looked around to see if someone could hear them. When she saw no one, she leaned above the table, her eyes locked on Tony, her brows furrowed in a worried manner. “He found out, didn’t he?”

Tony felt a wave of anger going through him and he had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down. It took him another few breaths to think about the answer, but nothing was satisfactory enough. No matter the answer, it would start a chain of further questions Tony would have to answer and he wasn’t ready for it. Not now. He still couldn’t get over what happened, he needed to come to terms with it himself before he would talk about it with someone.

“Not now, Pep, please,” he pleaded and rubbed his eyes letting out a tired sigh. “I promise I’ll tell everything after I’m out.”

“But what about your sess-“

“It is okay.” Tony cut her off, his teeth clenched tightly. “Everything’s okay and taken care of. I won’t cause any trouble.”

She looked at him like she didn’t believe a word he just said. He couldn’t blame her really. If he was being honest with himself – which was lately, and this was scaring the shit out of him – he didn’t believe it himself.

Since the kiss, he had done nothing but thinking. He thought in his room, he thought in the common room, outside, in the shower, in Loki’s office, everywhere. It was tiring him out so much; he didn’t had even a few minutes of peace, his mind was constantly filled with thoughts. That’s why he couldn’t wait to be out of here. One week was such a short amount of time comparing to how many weeks he had already spent here, and yet there were moments when he was thinking he couldn't take any longer.

And one of those moments was coming. He and Pepper both stood up, and he walked all the way to the door. Happy was already waiting there for her, and he gave Tony a small nod with his usual tight smile – the only one he was able to pull. Tony nodded back and hugged Pep goodbye, telling her not to bring Rhodey at his last day. She didn’t say anything to that, what meant that James was very likely going to come anyway.

She turned her back on him and Happy opened the door for her, and that’s when Tony’s mind finally went blank. He saw the driveway, the black Audi standing outside – undoubtedly Pepper’s car, Tony recognized the model – and something snapped in him. The need to run away was so big, it was the only thing he was able to think of. Fuck the consequences.

He started running. He ran past Pepper, down the stairs. He heard the calls, but he didn’t pay much attention to them. All he wanted to do was run as far as he could.

 


	12. XI. Last Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry for the wait. I was suffering from pretty bad writer's block. I even though about dropping this story so I wouldn't keep you waiting for months for the update, but here I am, giving you - as I hope - a pretty good chapter :3  
> I'm working on a Frostiron Bang story so there'll probably be another month until the next update, for what I apologize in advance and promise I'll do my best to make it quicker if I only can.
> 
> Enjoy ♥
> 
> And leave a review! It's always welcome c;

He wasn't even sweaty when he reached the big gate. He turned around, panting heavily more from the excitement and adrenaline rush than the running itself. He saw security coming in his direction, and coming fast. He looked around, because he wasn’t done yet. He needed more of this. He needed to run farther.

This was doubtful, since all he could do was to run back into the building. But what Tony Stark wanted, he always got. So there was only one problem - to avoid getting caught. He took in a deep breath and smiled under his nose, lowering his stance, readying himself to start the run again. The guards saw that right away and the three guys that had come after him split, coming at him like hyenas to grab the meat, though their expressions were showing concern and friendliness instead of sharp teeth and hunger.

Tony just smirked at that and lowered a few inches more, watching the men coming closer and closer. When they were ten feet away from him, he jumped and started running again, smiling widely as he was coming closer and closer. Somehow, he managed to use the space in between two of the security guys, and he passed by them quickly, laughing out loud with pure pleasure.

He ran along the driveway, avoiding the car Pepper came in, ignoring the shouts that were coming from the stairs. He recognized Pepper’s voice screaming at him to stop and think. He wished he could tell her why he was actually running, but they would inevitably catch him if he stopped even for a second and he couldn’t have that. Not yet.

He closed his eyes for a short moment, enjoying the feeling of wind on his face and how full his lungs felt as he was inhaling the air. He felt free, free of everything that happened in the last months. No weight of the company, no arc reactor, no Loki. It was like every one of his thoughts was exhaled along with the air as he was moving along. All he was able to think was how he felt right now and what he should do to prolong this.

He hadn't felt this free for a long time, and he just wanted this to last forever. He ran and ran and at some point actually realized he was circling the building for the second time. He laughed genuinely and sped up, going back to his previous pace only as he reached the garden. He didn’t pay any attention to where he was running now, his mind was busy wondering when security would actually stop him.

It was already too late when  he realized where his feet were taking him. He made an attempt to stop just as he was reaching the corner behind which was the bovver. He slowed down to a walk and took in a deep and needed breath, feeling how the pain in his muscles started to get to him. He wiped the back of his hand over the forehead, getting rid of the sweat from there, when he stopped completely.

It was like horrible déjà vu, really. The one thing he wanted to outrun the most was now catching up with him. Literally.

Loki fucking Odinson sat in the middle of the bovver again. With his legs pulled close to his chest and head tilted enough, that he could look at the blue sky above them. Tony swore under his nose and took in a sharp breath when the green eyes turned to him in a split second. Just like the previous time, he wondered how Loki managed to do this so fast.

“An-“ the Doc caught himself and stopped for a short moment, his eyes still on Tony. “What are you doing here? Were you running?” he asked with a frown, eyeing the engineer from head to toe.

Tony moved uncomfortably under his gaze and swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat and made it even more difficult for him to breathe. He refused to look at the man not so far from him and kept his gaze on the ground, kicking the grass lazily.

“Yeah, I was.”

“Weren’t you supposed to have a visit from Miss Potts now?”

“It just finished.”

“Really?” Loki sounded surprised and Tony could hear the rustling of his clothes, which meant he either was changing his position to a more comfortable one, or he was standing up. “I need to go, then.”

Again, Stark heard more than saw him moving. His steps were audible until he stepped from the wooden steps of the bovver onto the grass, and that’s when Tony felt a rush of fear. He didn’t want Loki to go near him. Not when they were outside the building. He knew how this would end and he wasn’t sure if he could stop himself, even if the Doc was just going to pass him by.

A light breeze brought the familiar scent to his nostrils, and he inhaled deeply – still panting from the run – regretting it almost immediately. The need he felt right after was excruciating to him. He fought hard not to raise his head and see where exactly Loki was.

He thanked the God, whichever one was there to listen to him now, when he felt rough hands on his wrists, and he was pulled back. He stumbled as he took a few steps, turning his head to look over his shoulder. Security had finally found him. He laughed breathlessly at the sight of the tall dark man behind him. One would think he would be able to catch him in less than ten seconds. The pride that filled Tony at this thought made him smile widely. The man just tugged on his wrists harder, as if he was telling him to stop.

“What is going on here?” Loki’s voice sounded more surprised than the last time. There was more in it, but Tony refused to go over what exactly. He told himself he didn’t want to.

“Mr. Stark tried to run away, doctor,” the man holding Tony replied, his voice booming loudly. It reminded Tony of the strong wind during the storm.

“Run away?” Loki repeated with his voice now almost shocked at the statement. “Would you be so kind to take Mr. Stark to my office?”

Tony snapped his head up and looked at the Doc, his eyes narrowed as he tried to read something in his face. He saw nothing he already couldn’t tell from his voice and he sighed as he was pulled back a few steps. “Yes, doctor,” the security guy replied and let go of Tony’s wrists, but  a strong hand wrapped around his shoulder right after.

“Easy there,” Tony snapped and tried to jerk his arm off the grip. “I’m not running anywhere, big guy.”

He received no answer and let out an annoyed huff as they turned the corner and started walking back towards the building. Tony tried to wiggle himself out of the grip the whole time but stopped as soon as they entered the building, seeing there was no point since the big guy was still holding him with just as much force.

As soon as they passed through the common room, he saw a blur of strawberry blonde hair, and Pepper stood inches away from him, making the security guy stop. “Tony, what the hell were you thinking?!” she shrieked and winced at him with reprimand. “Do you have any idea-“

“Virginia,” Tony said loudly, knowing that the use of her real name was the only way to stop her now. “I just wanted to run around and didn’t want to wait,” he said, leaving out the reasons and grinned at her.

He could see from the look in her blue eyes that she didn’t buy it. Tony rolled his eyes, because there he was, telling the truth for once and she didn’t believe it. That was unfair. He almost pouted at her, and she was about to say something as the familiar voice from behind Tony stopped her.

“Guy, take Mr. Stark to my office, please,” Loki instructed the security guy again and entered Tony’s vision. “Miss Potts, shall we talk outside?” he gestured at the front door and sent her a kind smile.

Something moved in the pit of Tony’s stomach, and he couldn’t help but glare at them both. The feeling grew stronger as Pepper nodded and smiled back at Loki, sadness and worry remaining on her face. The jealousy Tony felt turned into guilt. He hated to see her worried; the last time he saw her like that was almost a month ago, and he really hoped he would never see that again.

He wanted to say something to her, apologize, but Guy pulled him to the stairs and up. Once they were in Loki’s office he let him go and walked out, closing the door behind him. Tony could try to run away, but he was pretty sure the man was standing  just outside, making sure he wouldn’t do that. A heavy sigh escaped his lips and he sunk down into his usual spot on the couch. His eyes fluttered shut, and his head fell onto the back rest as he let his mind wander.

What would Loki tell Pepper? She would probably want to know the consequences of Tony’s decision. Suddenly, fear washed over him, and he started thinking hard over the possible punishment. Because he was sure as hell he would get one since they were going to treat his acting up as an attempt to escape. Fuck. What if they made him stay here longer? He couldn’t have that. He needed to leave the facility in a week - his company’s future and his good name depended on it. Pepper kept Obie and the board away from their plans long enough; she couldn't hold them any longer.

“Fuck!” Tony sat straight up on the couch and clenched his teeth, cursing at his own impulsiveness.

The door opened at the same time and Loki strode inside, frowning a little at the sound of Tony’s voice. The engineer cleared his throat and pressed himself to the armrest, not looking at his therapist as he crossed the room. Tony’s heart started beating faster as he saw the Doc didn’t sit in his armchair and instead chose to rest his skinny and glorious ass on the spot next to him.

Tony swallowed hard and locked his eyes onto the carpet. He prayed to whichever god that he could keep himself from jumping at the man.

“Anth-“ Loki cut himself off again, and Tony saw from the corner of his eye that Loki's jaw tensed. Tony’s heart started beating even faster now. “Can you please explain to me what it was that you did a few minutes ago?”

“I ran?” Tony replied sheepishly.

Loki let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed his forehead. “Yes, I figured that much. But why? Why were you trying to run away?”

“I didn’t,” Tony replied quickly and bit on his lower lip, doing his best not to look at the Doc. “It might sound ridiculous and _unreal_ even, but I just-“ he chewed on the words for a second, “I just wanted to run. That’s all. I didn’t want to run away.”

“Just run,” Loki repeated after a moment of awkward silence, and he shook his head again. “You are impossible, Anthony.”

The response this time was even quicker.

“Don’t call me that,” Stark snapped and felt the rush of anger creeping on him. “You don’t get to call me that, Dr. Odinson,” he said venomously and made the mistake of looking at the man.

There was pain showing in Loki's face. Tony had to blink to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, but a second more and the expression was gone, replaced by frustration. Tony pursed his lips and narrowed his own brown eyes, looking away again. It didn’t make him any less angry; it just gave him more to think about (like he wasn’t already tired of his own thoughts) and he really didn’t need more material about Loki - he already had enough of it to keep him busy for a lifetime.

He felt the cushions next to him go back to their previous shape, and a second later, Tony could watch freely as Loki walked around the room. He was obviously thinking about something, and this something was very likely Tony. He tried to tell himself he didn’t care, but he couldn’t fool himself. He was dying to know what was going on in his therapist’s head right now. If Loki was thinking about the punishment, or maybe about something completely different? And if so, than what exactly? What was he thinking about Tony that made him act like that?

Suddenly, Loki stopped and turned on the heels of his feet, looking directly at Stark. The engineer backed up on the couch, a little startled, and felt as his back hit the cushions of the backrest. Loki kept eyeing him, his eyes narrowed into a tiny slits, as though he was studying every inch of Tony’s face, trying to read something from his wrinkles. It wasn’t enough to say that it made Tony uncomfortable.

“What?” Tony mumbled after a few long minutes, during which Loki didn’t even blink.

He stayed like this for another few minutes and Tony could feel fear creeping on him slowly. Loki was being more than creepy, and Tony really didn’t like people like that. He had had enough of creepy stalkers and haters in his life. The Doc looking at him like that was even worse that the knowledge someone out there followed his every move. In fact, Tony would prefer that over this situation right here.

And then Loki’s face faded into a blank expression, his eyes wide with something akin to realization. Tony frowned at that, a little worried and – against himself – stood up from the couch and walked around the coffee table to reach the man. He knew what it could mean to him, and yet he couldn’t stop himself from moving closer and closer. He somehow knew he wouldn't escape this time.

Loki’s head snapped up, and he looked at Tony when he was inches away from him. The look in those green eyes made Tony wince and step back. He turned his own gaze away and fisted his hands. If he had any doubts before, now he knew for sure what was coming. He hadn't seen that look before but was pretty sure he would have if he only turned his head to the side when Loki was leaving his room last time.

“What did I do to make you act like this?” Loki’s weak voice reached his ears. “I apologized.”

Tony gritted his teeth, and he was pretty sure the Doc could hear that. “The fact you did doesn’t mean I forgot about everything,” he replied, keeping his voice low. If he spoke just a little bit louder, he was sure his anger would flow along with his words.

“I-“ Loki frowned at that and tilted his head to the side, like a curious baby, just his expression was more about pain and frustration and sadness than interest. “I don’t understand. Please, explain.”

Tony huffed in annoyance, and this time he was the one who started pacing the room. He walked from wall to wall, trying to ignore the way green eyes watched his every move. After some time, he finally took in a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, moving the strands away from his forehead.

“There’s really nothing to explain, Dr. Odinson,” he almost spat the last words standing a foot or two away from his therapist. “You apologized - I didn’t accept. Period.”

He heard Loki take a step in his direction, so he took two steps away. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to be alone in his room. Even fighting with his own thoughts seemed not bad when compared to this situation.

“But- why?” Loki asked helplessly, and Tony could see him throwing his hands into the air before they stilled on his sides. “I did my best so this wasn’t any more awkward than it should be and—“

“You kissed me back.”

“Sorry?”

Tony chewed on the inside of his cheeks before speaking again. “You kissed me back. I don’t care that you apologized and I mean shit to you,” the last one was obviously a lie, because Tony cared too much about this one thing. It was this that kept him awake at nights and roamed through his head whenever he tried to focus on something different. It was burned into his brain, just like the kiss, and he couldn’t get rid of the knowledge that he really did meant nothing to Loki after all. “I really don’t. But you kissed back when you could have stopped, staying motionless and waiting for me to please myself, or even fucking hit me, but _you kissed back_!”

Loki was obviously surprised by the sudden outburst. He stopped in his tracks, as he was slowly moving to make yet another step towards Tony. His eyes went wide, almost turning completely green as he looked straight at the engineer. And he didn’t say a word, which pissed Tony off even more.

“I don’t know _why_ you did that and that’s my problem with you, Odinson,” he barked and narrowed his eyes at Loki. “Not to mention the fact I really can’t get anything about you apart from the fact that you’re tall and fucking gorgeous and nice to people not just because you have to be. You want to know everything about me? Search the internet! You already did it? Ask Pepper! I don’t care if that’s not enough for you, because that’s all you will get!” he screamed out and took in a deep breath.

Tony could feel this wasn’t over yet. He felt like all of his anger and frustration from the previous few years had come back to him and was now building inside, readying him to explode even more than he already was. And he could do nothing about it, all he was able to think of was to get this all out. And since he couldn’t really run now, he had no other choice but scream.

“Anthony, calm down-“

“I said, do not call me that!” Tony snapped at Loki and raised his hands to grip at his own hair, eyes closed as he tried to calm himself down. But nothing was working at this point. Not anymore. “Don’t be so fucking stubborn, do you know how annoying this is? I had one request and you keep ignoring it while I do everything so you won’t accuse me of not keeping our deal. So just— don’t call me by my full name.”

Loki frowned at that, but nodded, taking a step back, which Tony welcomed with a small sigh of relief. The worst was that the anger wasn’t going away. It was awful now, because he knew that even if Loki didn't say a word, it would set Tony even more on edge, and he would start screaming. But right when he thought about it, his therapist did one of the worst things Tony could imagine him doing.

He smiled softly at Tony and asked, “Can we talk?”

Tony gritted his teeth and glared at him. “No, we can’t.”

“But, Tony, please—“

“I said I don’t want to talk! God, what is so hard to understand here? You didn’t want to talk about the kiss, I don’t want to talk about whatever you want me to talk so just fuck off, okay?” Tony snarled and moved closer to him. “We’re not in one of our sessions, we don’t need to talk.”

Loki seemed to lose his patience right at this point. His jaw tensed, eyes narrowed in a way that told Tony he was in trouble. Not that he could care in his state. Pale fingers twitched dangerously as though Loki was about to curl them into fists and start hitting his patient. His back straightened up, which added an inch or so to Loki, and he looked now like he was about ready to kill.

Literally.

“Yes, we do,” he said, voice sounding calm but it was far from it. “You just tried to run away, Mr. Stark. Do you realize I could now decide you need to stay longer? Because for all I know you could have been running away to get high again and commit suicide.”

“Oh, shut up,” Tony looked him straight in the eyes, unaware of the danger. “Why would I run a week before my release? That wouldn’t make any sense. Especially when you have such a nice descriptions of my regret in your notes. Pepper told me,” he explained in a cocky tone of voice. “There’s a reason she is my assistant.”

Loki’s expression didn’t change even the slightest. He still looked like a predator ready to jump on its prey. Tony had to admit it was terrifying to see him like this but he still couldn’t bring himself to care.

“These notes can easily disappear,” Loki said quietly, his voice almost a growl. “You’re forgetting your suicidal tendencies are not the only thing I needed to take care of. I still have unfinished business with you.”

“Like what? My daddy issues? Or maybe Afghanistan? Do you really want to get _that far_ into my head?” he snapped angrily, face twisting into a nasty grin. “Everyone is too afraid to do that and suddenly I get a therapist who isn't?” he chuckled venomously and raised an eyebrow at the Doc. “Go fuck yourself, Loki.”

This seemed to be a big mistake. One second Loki’s furious breathing filled the room, in the next Tony was pinned to the nearest wall with force he wouldn’t have ever thought Loki had. He was pretty sure his arms, which the man held tightly, were already bruised and if the grip wasn’t about to loosen in the next few seconds he was ready to admit his arms would need to be amputated.

Loki’s face was barely an inch away from the engineer’s, and if it wasn’t for their angers at least one of them would be getting aroused right now. The shorter one, to be exact.

“Get off me,” Tony groaned, and it was pretty obvious from his voice how much it hurt him. But Loki didn't let go, didn't pull away. He didn't even so much as blink. He just kept staring right into Tony’s eyes, like he was seeing every answer for his questions in them. And it looked like he wasn’t about to let go until he got all of them. “Get the fuck off me!” Tony almost whined, realizing he was losing the feeling in his fingers.

The grip finally loosened enough for the blood to flow down to his arms again, and he couldn’t stop a small sigh of relief from escaping his lips. But it didn’t mean Loki pulled away. In fact, once Tony looked at him again after constant looking anywhere _but_ him, he seemed to be even closer now.

“Yes,” Loki said, his voice barely audible no matter the lack of space between them. “I want to get into your head. I want to know what made you like this. You are broken, Anthony. No therapist can change that. But I might be able to help you just a bit and maybe, just maybe,” his eyes opened wide, their noses almost touching, “you’ll be able to fix yourself after I point you in the right direction.”

Something in Tony broke. He felt the stinging in his eyes and he blinked rapidly, swallowing hard, unable to look away from Loki’s eyes. Because there was no anger there anymore. There was helplessness and hope and… sadness. Pure sadness that told Tony he wasn’t joking. He meant every word, and it broke Tony even more. Until this very moment, he hadn't realized he had been hoping with his whole heart Loki will be the one able to help him, to fix him in some way. And now he was told it would never be possible.

Tony's whole world seemed to be breaking down on him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. His legs refused to support him any longer, and if not for Loki’s still strong grip on his arms, he would be surely on the floor by now. He felt his cheeks getting wet, and he blinked again, realizing it was his tears that caused it. That’s when he also saw his therapist’s face, and this just caused the tears to fall even more.

“Tony…”

He just shook his head and closed his eyes, swallowing hard again, which turned out to be harder than he thought because of the big lump in his throat. Next thing he knew, he was pressed against Loki’s chest, wetting the front of his black V-neck.

His last hope was gone. Everything he secretly hoped for was gone now, leaving him in tears. How could he continue when he knew he would never be fixed?

“Tony…” Loki repeated in a soft voice, hands brushing his back soothingly. “It’s okay.”

Tony shook his head again, hating Loki for saying such a lie. For him nothing would be ever okay.

“I just- I really thought I would get better,” he whispered into Loki’s arm and he was sure his therapist could hear him no matter what. “After Yinsen helped me I- I promised him I wouldn't waste my life. That I won’t leave only bad things behind when I die. And I promised myself Howard would finally be proud of me.”

Loki’s arms embraced him tighter, and Tony leaned into his chest without thinking about it, his own arms wrapping around the taller man’s waist. “Who said he was never proud of you?” Loki asked, his breath causing goose bumps on Tony’s neck. “He did?”

Tony shook his head slowly and his embrace around his therapist tightened. Thinking about Howard right in this moment made his tears fall quicker. And he hated that to the very core of his bones.

“He didn’t have to,” he sobbed out after a moment, making sure he wouldn't stammer because of the tears. “He never told me he-“ Tony took in a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears. “He never told me he was. There’s no difference.”

“And Maria always told you that?”

Tony just nodded and hid his face in the wet material of Loki’s shirt, trying his best to clear his head, to regain his composure. Crying on Loki’s shoulder was the last thing he wanted, and even if it happened, he would do everything to make it last as short as was possible.

“What about Yinsen?” Loki asked softly, his long fingers now brushing through Tony’s hair, movements smooth and soothing enough to calm the engineer’s breath. But it still didn’t stop the tears. “What did you promise him?”

Why he replied to that, he had no idea. He just started talking.

Loki was the first person who heard the real story about what happened in Afghanistan. Tony talked about the tortures, how he knew he wouldn't get out of there alive, how he was terrified of dying there alone, without the people closest to him. He told Loki everything. How he created the arc reactor. How Yinsen helped him fool the Ten Rings and build the suit. How the man he knew for only three months gave away his life so Tony could run away and make things right.

Because that’s what he wanted to do, make things right. To stop the deaths of innocent people caused by his inventions.  He wanted to stop it all, so he had closed the weapon manufacturing once and for all. At least that was what he was hoping.

Loki listened the whole time, staying quiet. Tony could barely feel him breathing. Loki was finally  getting his answers, why should he interrupt the engineer?

And then Tony went even further. He told Loki about his idea. He told Loki about the better and lighter version of the suit he and Yinsen had built in the caves. He told the doctor how he was going to use it. That he would stop the Ten Rings and anyone else who would hurt innocent people. The hate almost spilled out of his mouth as he talked, unable to stop once he finally started.

He didn’t even realize he was done until Loki pulled away from him a few inches, enough for him to look straight into Tony’s face. Not eyes though; Tony was too afraid to open them.

“Tony,” he heard his name again and hummed, to let Loki know he did. “Could you look at me?” When Tony shook his head Loki sighed quietly and cupped the engineer’s face, making him lift up his head. “Please,” he added softly, his voice quiet even more than Tony’s whispers from before.

That made Tony lift his eyelids. What he saw took him by surprise. He tried to take a step back, but he hit a wall again, so instead he frowned in confusion.

Loki was smiling slightly, his eyes gleaming with happiness and sadness at the same time. This was even more confusing, but everything faded away as soon as the Doc opened his mouth again.

“I kissed you because I wanted to,” he said out of the blue, voice still as loud as a whisper. “I wanted to because I let myself get too close. And I only realized when it was too late. But it’s not the worst,” he sighed softly, and his brows furrowed as though he was fighting with himself whether to continue or not. “I don’t regret it. Even without the kiss, I wouldn’t regret it. And I don’t think I ever will.”

Tony’s mouth fell agape, shocked by the confession. It took him some time to gather himself, and when he finally did, he had no idea what he should say to that.

“But-“ he started and his jaw tensed, eyes narrowed and breath quickened a little. “You said you regretted it. You said,” he took in a deep breath and bit on the inside of his cheeks, the memory of that evening still painful to him. “You said it was never supposed to happen.”

Loki nodded and smiled at him sadly. “I never said I regretted it. But I agree with the last part. I still think it shouldn’t have happened,” he said simply, and his smile faded as soon as he saw Tony’s expression. “You need to understand,” Loki started, thumbs moving over the skin under Tony's eyes, brushing away the remains of his tears. “You are my patient, and I am your doctor. We were never supposed to end up like this.”

Tony took in a deep breath and nodded, arms leaving Loki’s waist and resting at his sides motionlessly.

“Okay,” he said after a long moment and looked down in between their bodies, staring at the floor. “I get it. Okay.”

Loki pulled away slowly, his movements unsure as though he wanted to get closer instead of moving away. Tony heard his footsteps and raised his head to see him sitting down in his usual armchair. After a second, he followed him and sat down on the couch, choosing the end just by Loki’s seat. He leaned back against the cushions and pulled his legs close to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

He sat like that for what felt like hours before Loki decided to finally look at him. His face was blank again, although Tony could swear he saw sadness in his features most of the time.

“I won’t leave you here,” he said slowly and smiled at Tony, sadness now more apparent. “You’ll be better outside. With your tools and new goal in life. Make this suit. You talk about it like it’s your last hope. And if you believe it, then it is just that.” The engineer just nodded in reply and looked down at his knees, unable to watch his therapist anymore. “But I have one condition.”

Tony frowned at that, surprised and intrigued at the same time. “What condition?” he asked impatiently when there was nothing but silence between them.

“We’ll continue our sessions. Twice a week,” Loki replied, his voice steady and sure. “At your mansion, if that’s okay. I’m guessing you wouldn’t want to come back here anymore…”

“I have nothing against coming here,” he started talking before Loki finished the sentence. “It’s not that bad here. And—“ he shrugged and looked out the window. “I’m gonna miss the bovver.”

He heard a small chuckle, and a short moment later the cushions next to him moved when Loki sat down there. Tony felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and he leaned into the touch against his will, wanting more.

“As you wish,” Loki hummed quietly, and they stayed like this for another long moment before Tony found the courage to look at him.

“Thank you for being honest,” he said quietly, and he almost stammered on his words, feeling the lump in his throat again. “I—I appreciate it.”

“You don’t look like you do,” Loki smiled wryly and nodded, pulling his hand away, which almost caused the engineer to whine out loud. “But you’re welcome.”

Tony matched that smile for a short second and looked away again, trying not to think about anything right now. He felt he might break again if he did.

“I better be going,” he said after a long moment of silence and stood up from the couch, his legs still a little weak. He didn’t look at Loki as he walked towards the door and opened it. But just as he was about to leave, something stopped him and he turned around, eyes locked on the Doc, who was still sitting on the couch. “I just—have one question.”

Loki tilted his head to the side like a curious cat, and Tony had to suppress a chuckle at the view. Because he did look like a cat in some ways. “What is it?” Loki prompted, almost worried about what was about to come. He even stood up and walked towards the engineer, but Tony stepped back and gestured at him to stop before he came too close. He didn’t want to risk throwing himself at Loki, even with the knowledge he had now.

“I, uh,” Tony started and scratched his head shortly, his lips twisting into an uneasy smile. “If it wasn’t for the therapy and the fact that you’re my doctor…” he took in a deep breath before continuing, “would you stop the kiss then?”

Loki stood motionlessly for a while before his lips spread into a mischievous grin. _Fucking gorgeous_ , was the only thought in Tony’s mind at that moment, and he really needed to fight with himself so they wouldn’t end up naked on the floor, as much as he wanted that.

“Who knows, Mr. Stark,” the dark haired man replied and closed the distance between them, hand resting on the edge of the door. Then the smile was gone, replaced by barely visible wince of fear. “You should go.”

Tony just swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes locked on the deep emeralds of his therapist. He forced himself to turn around and walk out of Loki’s office before he lost all the control he still had. Without looking around he went straight to his room, closing the door behind himself and throwing the key onto the shelf on the other side.

This was not what he had expected when he woke up today. He had not been ready for it. But could anyone be ready for something like that?

He threw himself onto the bed, face pressed into his pillow until he had trouble breathing. Then he turned onto his back and just stared at the ceiling, trying to calm his racing mind and heart. Not to mention the boner he had gotten from a vision of him and Loki naked on the floor.

He had gotten so many answers today, answers he had craved for such a long time and yet… It just brought up more questions, questions that now begged to be answered or else they would burn his mind to ashes. He didn’t know if he liked that.

The thing about this whole situation was that Tony couldn’t see the point of continuing. If he was broken and no one was able to help him get back up, not even himself, then what was the point? But somehow he felt he had to keep on living even if it was for the people he saved by closing the weapon manufacturing and those he was about to save with his suit. That was at least one reason to keep himself going no matter how pathetic his existence would be now that he knew there was no saving him. He was ready to do that, because he was not ready to die now and leave such a history and legacy behind.

Howard definitely wouldn’t want that, especially since he was remembered as a savior and not a killer. And whether Tony liked it or not, he still cared about his father. He still wanted to make Howard proud. It was Tony's last hope by this point, to make a working suit to save people and make his father proud. Hopefully all of this at one go, too.

Tony's eyes closed slowly, and before he knew it, he was asleep, fighting with a hard-on as he dreamed about one sexy dark haired bastard that had broken his heart more than once in the past week.

* * *

Loki watched Tony walk away and disappear into his room, standing in the doorway long after to make sure the man wouldn't emerge again. Only after that did he walk downstairs, smiling at the strawberry blonde woman standing by the door. She was talking with her chauffer, who must’ve also been a friend, because whenever Loki saw him her, he looked worried. He assumed it was about Tony; everyone around here was worried about the famous inventor. If Tony didn’t make it, it would be a big loss to the world, right?

“Miss Potts,” Loki smiled kindly at her and raised a hand to stop her from speaking as he saw she was about to open her mouth. He could understand why she wanted to know everything at once; it must’ve been a shock to her as well, seeing Tony run out of the building and being chased by the security. “Please, not here. Let’s move to my office, shall we?” he gestured at the door, smile still present on his lips.

The woman just nodded and turned to her chauffer to whisper in his ear before she started towards the stairs, knowing very well where she was heading. Loki followed her, smiling at Violet, who still looked scared after what had happened. Once upstairs, he walked a little faster, passing by Pepper to open the door for her. She thanked him quietly and stepped inside. She sat down in her usual chair in front Loki’s black wooden desk and waited for him do it as well, on the opposite side, before she decided it was the right time to talk.

“Dr. Odinson, can you please tell me what the hell happened down there?” she asked, her voice raised and worried.

“I’m sure you could tell me more about it, Miss Potts,” he replied with a small smile, but it faded when he saw her expression. “I believe Mr. Stark just wanted to get some fresh air.”

She snorted and shook her head, looking at him with disbelief.

“I don’t know if you are aware, Doctor, but we spent hours in the garden today. I’m pretty sure he got enough of fresh air then and there.”

Loki took in a deep breath and sunk down in his chair, rubbing his forehead tiredly. This had been a long day already, and it was just 4PM. All he was able to think about by this point was his bed and a cup of hot tea.

“I didn’t mean it in that way. A lot has happened in Mr. Stark’s life in the last few months. I believe it finally reached him with full force and he wanted to… run away from it,” he said slowly, resting his elbows on the armrests of his chair, connecting his hands in midair. “You must know he has some trouble in dealing with emotions.”

“So, you’re saying he wanted to run to get his head clear? Or am I misreading something?”

Loki nodded shortly and sighed before answering properly. “You’re reading his actions correctly. He just picked a wrong time and place to do it.”

“Dr. Odinson,” Pepper started, and he knew from the tone of her voice it will not be pleasant for him. “I don’t mean to insult you, but weren’t you supposed to help him with that?”

“None taken,” he breathed out with a short bitter chuckle. “I am helping him, but until today, he was not willing to get any help in that aspect. We spent our sessions talking about the reasons behind his addiction, but apart from that, Mr. Stark was not willing to say much more.”

He felt his patience growing thin, and a few more questions would lead to him letting out his frustration on this innocent woman. He had to end it fast if he wanted to keep the job, but right now he was starting to have second thoughts. He had helped so many people already. Maybe it was time for him to “retire”? He would have to disappear soon, anyway. There was no point in taking on another group and patient when he couldn't lead them to the end of their therapy.

The sound of Pepper’s voice shook him out of his reverie, and he smiled at her apologetically. “I’m so sorry. Could you repeat that?”

The redhead huffed out angrily, but that was the only time she let herself show how she really felt. Before she spoke again, everything apart from worry was gone from her face and stance. “I was asking if that’s all you wanted to do – to cure him from his addiction.”

Loki frowned at her in confusion and was about to ask what she meant by that, but then it hit him. Tony had probably told her what happened. The look in her eyes just proved it right – she knew what took place between him and his patient. He had to say, he didn’t like how he felt about that knowledge.

“Miss Potts, if you’re trying to imply I want something more than just well-being of my patient I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave my office,” he said slowly and sat up straight in his chair. “I do not mix my personal life with work. And I can assure you,” he added when he saw her mouth open, “that everything between me and your boss has been explained. There is nothing more you need to worry about.”

To his surprise, she didn’t relax. Instead she smirked ironically and leaned forward as though she was about to say something no one else but Loki should hear.

“It’s funny because Tony said the same thing to me before he ran off to “get some fresh air”,” she snorted and before Loki could say anything to that, she stood up, straightening her black skirt. “I just need to know if he’s going to stay here longer,” she said in a professional manner, just like Stark’s PA should have act.

Loki stood up as well and cleared his throat quietly, looking down at his empty desk. “No, I am not extending Mr. Stark’s stay here. It is not what he needs at this moment. His suicidal thoughts are gone - there is no reason to be afraid of him coming back to drug addiction. Alas, I believe he will not give up on alcohol, though he will definitely constrict his consumption,” he stated, more than sure of his words. The only thing he was not one hundred percent sure about were Tony’s self-destructive tendencies, but without any kind of stimulant he would give much attention to this.

So, yes, in his opinion Tony was safe now and would not go back to his previous addictions.

“Thank you, Dr. Odinson,” Pepper replied and without another word she left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Loki fell into his chair the second he was left alone, and he groaned tiredly, closing his eyes as he tilted his head back. A moment later, he was laying on his bed, in his room, every door closed so no one would interrupt him. Not that anyone ever did, but a little more cautiousness didn’t hurt.

He lied motionlessly on the mattress, the events of the whole day repeating in his mind like a poorly edited movie. Everything was blurred by his own emotions, and he hated that. Because no matter how hard he tried to think clearly about everything that happened, he knew he would not be able to do it. Tony was his first patient to give him this kind of trouble, and he had no idea why it was this particular mortal that basically turned his human life upside down.

But the worst part was he didn’t mind it at all.

Before Tony showed up, everything about this life was perfect to the last detail, the routine of every day had been getting more and more boring and it frightened him that he didn’t mind that at all. He was nothing like the Loki he had been, and he had no idea it was how this realm worked on him or if it was because he chose this path and not the other. But there was one thing he knew for sure now: that no matter how boring his life was so far,  he would repeat it again just to meet Tony.

He had tried to keep that away since their first conversation they had alone, and it was only growing stronger and stronger with every meeting. Knowing Tony very likely felt similar didn’t help him at all. It just made everything worse. As long as Loki was his therapist, they couldn’t progress into a private relationship. And Loki would always stay his therapist. If not for Tony himself, than for everybody else, and he didn’t want to see the engineer’s face in every gossip magazine in the country and around the world. That would not help him.

At least that was what Loki tried to tell himself when he was falling asleep that night.


	13. XII. Walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wait. There were many issues and the Frostiron Bang and I started university again... I'm already working on the next chapter so, hopefully, such a break won't happen again.
> 
> The song for this chapter can be found [here](http://theskyofsunshinea.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist) soon.
> 
> Reviews and kudos are much apreciated :3

Tony sat for a long time in the car, just watching the building through the windshield of his car. He had been left alone a while ago, and he could see from the corner of his eye how his friends stood not so far away, talking quietly and watching him with worry. He really wanted to hear what they were saying, but on the other hand, he couldn’t care less if he had to be honest with himself. It’s not like he could hear them through the closed doors and windows anyway.

The thing was that after two months, he was afraid to walk in. What if what waited for him inside were the things he was put in the facility for in the first place? What if as soon as he was left alone there, he started drinking himself unconscious and doing drugs again? What if…?

Tony could easily remember many times he had been more afraid than he was right now, but he just couldn’t make himself to get out. Maybe with Loki here, things would look totally different. Maybe if he got to just feel the man close again, perhaps even his slightly cold hand on his arm. Maybe he wouldn’t be such a coward.

But there was no Loki here. Tony was left alone again, to cope with his demons and pieces. He had to do it all on his own this time – fight the bastards and get himself together again. There was no other way for him to get better, it was just him and his own decision.

And to think it took so many years, a suicide attempt and one incredible man for Tony to understand that.

He heard a knock to the window on his side and he jumped in his spot, right hand automatically covering the arc reactor, although it was invisible under his black shirt. He looked at the person behind the door and saw Pepper, a soft and still worried smile spreading across her red lips. She tilted her head towards the house and watched him for a moment before walking off in that direction, Tony watching her every move from inside of his car.

He really was scared shitless, and he could easily say it was the first time had he felt this kind of fear. Because he knew perfectly well what he was going to discover inside and yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave the car.

He wanted Loki to be here so much; he was ready to get his phone out and call him. He didn’t care if the Doc was busy, he _needed him now_. He needed to have Loki here so he could face what was just a few feet in front of him. He reached into his pockets, and that’s when he realized that every piece of technology he used to carry with him was inside the building. He swore and winced at that, sure that he didn’t have any chance to call Loki, even if he asked Pepper for her phone – he was sure she had gotten all the instructions from the man before they took off.

That meant that he had to leave the car, and the sooner he did that, the sooner he would be able to call his therapist. He sighed heavily, leaning back into the seat and rubbing at his forehead, wince slowly fading away. After a moment, he took a deep breath and reached for the door, hesitating only for a split second.

He stepped out onto the driveway, taking in another deep breath, this time with the fresh sea air filling his lungs. He closed his eyes at the familiar feeling, and he didn’t even realize that he had smiled at it, too. He heard his name for the first time since they had left the facility and he looked at the front door of the building.

Pepper, Rhodey and Happy were already standing there, patiently waiting for him to join them. He never ceased to smile as he slowly made his way towards them, even when he felt the same fear he fought with in the car creeping back up on him. He couldn’t stop smiling because he knew where he was and it was the place he had really missed for the past two months. It was his Malibu Mansion.

It was his home.

His smile only widened when he felt Pepper’s hand in his and he looked at her gratefully, squeezing it before he reached for the panel and entered the code he knew so well. The door opened in front of them and he pulled it to himself, opening it wider and closing his eyes again before he made the first step inside.

The inside of the building was filled with the echo of his steps and soon enough Pepper’s stilettos joined. He didn’t let go of her hand, finding that he felt much better knowing she was there for him as usual. That made him think that everything was just like the old times, no matter what he dealt with and what he did in these walls.

“Welcome home, Sir,” JARVIS broke the silence, his voice a little quieter then Tony remembered it to be, but he wasn’t about to complain about that – he was actually grateful for that, too. “It is indeed good to see you back after such a long time.”

Tony nodded, his smile remaining on his lips and he stood in the middle of what was the living room, looking around just to check if everything was like he remembered it to be. “Hey, buddy. I missed you, too,” he replied after a moment and anxiously let go of Pepper’s hand before he made his way towards the wall made completely out of windows.

He looked outside, at the ocean and rocks underneath his feet, the way waves were crashing into the cliff making him just smile wider and wider.

He was finally home. After so many hours and discussions, after the pain of both detox and being rejected, he was home again.

“How do you feel?” he heard Pepper’s voice, and he sighed softly, nodding at the view before he turned around and nodded again, this time looking at his friends.

Pepper was the one closest to him, the couch and coffee table in between them. Rhodey stood not so far from her, and Happy was just behind him, Tony’s bags resting at his feet. All three watched him closely, although each with a slightly different expression. Pepper was worried as usual; Rhodey tried to hide how much he agreed with the red head in that feeling and he almost succeeded in that. And then there was Happy, all anxious and serious, and a little uncomfortable considering he didn’t like such emotional things, much like Tony did. But the fact was that he was still here – because he really didn’t have to be; he could have just left the suitcases in Tony’s bedroom and walk out of the house – and that meant a lot to the engineer.

He had amazing friends and people around him.

“I’m good,” the engineer said and nodded one more time, walking to sit on the couch. “I— I’m really good,” he repeated in slight disbelief and chuckled once, looking at his PA. “Just still a little nervous, I guess.”

Pepper joined him soon after, taking the spot right next to him and grabbing his hand in both of hers as though she wanted to make it warm. No one else moved for a long while and only their breathing filled the room, joined by the sound of the small waterfall he had by the stairs to his workshop.

And that was the thought that made his hands itch. His workshop. He had a job to do, and he had to start as soon as possible.

Tony jumped to his feet, scaring Pepper and the rest, Rhodey taking a cautious step forward. He couldn’t help but grin at that, and he turned to Pep, sending her an apologizing look. “Sorry, I just remembered I need to do something,” and without waiting for an answer, he started quickly towards the stairs.

“Tony, wait—!“

“You can leave the bags on my bed, I’ll take care of the rest later!” he called over his shoulder and was already hurrying down the stairs, his heart beating fast.

He stopped only when he was standing in front of the glass door, the state of the workshop making him blink. Everything was clean and shiny, so unlike how he remembered it all. His first thought was that Pepper decided to make him a “surprise” and get everything ready for his return. But then, she knew all too well no one but Tony and his friends could access the workshop. Not even the cleaning team.

Everything became clear to him once he stepped through the door and into the all too familiar environment. He took in a deep breath, the smell of grease and even his own sweat still lingering in the room. He smiled widely, cheeks already hurting from the amount of grinning he had done in the last few minutes, and that’s when Dum-E rolled his way quickly, whirring happily with a dusting brush in his claws.

“Hey, buddy,” Tony called, crouching down to give the bot a welcoming and affectionate pat to his frame. “I missed you, too. Did you clean the whole workshop?”

Dum-E’s claw moved up and down a few times, and he dropped the brush only to tug at Tony’s shirt. The engineer laughed shortly and gestured at the bot to lead the way. He gladly rolled farther into the workshop, showing his maker off to the whole place. Almost every inch was clean and shiny, making Tony blink in surprise. But then, he was gone for two months, the bots had to do _something_.

“So, you’re saying you did it all yourself?” he asked the bot, one eyebrow raised in slight disbelief.

Dum-E nodded vigorously again and tugged at Tony’s shirt again before rolling off in the direction of his cars.

“I feel I need to add that U and Butterfingers helped, too, Sir,” JARVIS said still quieter than usual and Tony could hear Dum-E’s displeased whir.

“Yeah, I figured. It’s too clean for Dum to do it himself,” he replied and followed his bot either way, taking in a deep breath as he saw the bot standing by the old car he had been working on before rehab.

Everything around it was clean, but Tony suspected the inside could be still full of meth and bottles of alcohol. He grabbed at the reactor again and took a step back, smiling faintly at the bot as he started backing out slowly.

“Sir, are you well? Your heartbeat rose significantly.”

Tony swallowed hard and nodded. “I’m fine. I just—“, he turned around and hurried to the nearest chair, sitting on it and trying to calm himself down. “Is the car clean inside?”

“Yes, Sir. Colonel Rhodes came and cleaned it up seven days after your leaving,” the AI replied, the voice back to normal this time.

Tony let out a heavy breath, shaking his head at his own stupidity. Of course Rhodey would clean this up. If it hadn’t been him, Pepper would. How could he even think they would let him go back to the house with drugs. And then it hit him the car wasn’t the only place he hid his stash.

“Did they find every bag of meth I had here, JARV?”

There was a short pause, as though the AI was considering answering the questions, but eventually it had to do so. Tony programmed it to obey him.

“Yes, Sir. I told Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes about every single place you have hidden your drugs.”

“Good. Really good. Great job,” Tony said slowly and leaned in his chair, eyes fluttering close and the head falling back.

It was still so unreal to him. He was back home, back in his workshop and back to his previous life. The only difference was, he didn’t want a drink just yet. He knew what he had to do now, he had had it all planned out for a couple of weeks now, but he couldn’t start when he still had Loki on his mind.

Tony wanted to call him and tell him how it all went great and how happy he was to be back. He wanted to tell him how Dum-E reacted at the sight of his maker and what the bots did when he was in the facility. He just wanted to talk with Loki about everything and nothing at the same time. He already missed his therapist, it seemed like a normal thing to do. Right?

Yet, he felt in the pit of his stomach it wasn’t the best idea. Loki was still his therapist. He remembered their talk and how it had ended up. There couldn’t be anything more between them but a doctor-patient relationship. It made Tony wince at just the thought of the result, but what other choice did he have? Loki was one stubborn bastard and the engineer knew he wouldn’t win with him. Not when he treated his career as the most important thing in his life. And that had to be the case since he refused to have any other kind of relationship with Tony even when he wanted to.

Tony understood him all too well. If he was left with the decision of “love or career”, he would probably pick the latter at this moment in his life. What was the purpose of love when all it did to people was cause them pain, both emotional and physical? It was obvious what he should pick. He would prefer to be hurt by his machines every hour rather than feel how he felt after the talk with Loki for the rest of his life.

The pain of being rejected was something Tony felt just once in his life, and it was Howie who made him feel that way. And though it had happened a very long time ago, he could still feel the sting of what he felt back then. It didn’t really help when Loki had done almost the same thing. Of course the situation was completely different, but the pain wasn’t any less. It still hurt like fuck and Tony doubted he would ever get over it. He hadn’t ever gotten over Howie.

There was just one thing that could truly make this pain and pretty vivid memory of it go away – the people who caused it could take Tony back. There was no way Stark Senior would do that, for obvious reasons, and Tony wasn’t even sure if he would want him to do it now.

The case wasn’t any better with Loki, either. How could he want the engineer back when he really wanted different things more? There was no way Loki would want to give it a try with Tony. Oh, how he hated that his heart was beating faster at that thought. As much as he wanted that to happen – and he never wanted something like that to happen, not since Pepper anyway – that was the only thing he was denied. That had never happened to him before, and he just couldn’t get over that even when he tried.

He _wanted_ Loki. He wanted to hear his voice every day. He wanted to feel Loki’s cold hands on his arms, legs, anywhere it was possible. He wanted to look into the greenest eyes he had ever seen, he wanted to see there what he saw when Loki admitted he didn’t regret kissing him. He just wanted to have him close every day, to have amazing sex at night ~~s~~ and to have interesting talks about everything and nothing for the rest of time.

Tony had to find a way to convince Loki. There was already something on both sides and it was _more_ than just doctor-patient. They both wanted it, and even if Tony was the one who wanted it more – well, he was used to that. He always wanted something more than anyone else, even if it was an auction item, considering he hadn’t even known what it was. He just wanted, and whether it was the painting or to show the other guy who had more money – that was a different case and no one ever touched that.

So, now he was left with just more things to think about. He still had to call to set the first appointment with Loki, anyway. Tony really hoped they wouldn’t stay in the office, but go to the bovver. It was much more pleasant to talk with Loki there, and this time Tony would just keep himself on the other side of it so nothing would happen. He was just starting to get a plan of convincing Loki, but there was an obvious thing to do even without much thinking about it – don’t kiss Loki until a certain stage was reached in between them. And Tony was ready to work on it hard and long. And by long he meant a month, maybe one and a half.

He could do it.

He was Tony fucking Stark, of course he could do it.

He was _going_ to do it and _succeed_.

Tony Stark wouldn’t have it any other way.

He couldn’t stop a small smile from spreading across his face, and he straightened up in his seat, looking around the workshop again. He made sure he remembered everything (just in case) and he stood up, walking towards his half-circle desk and flopping down on yet another chair – this one definitely more comfy. He made a mental note to order more of these for his workshop.

“Okay, babies, daddy’s home,” Tony called, rubbing his hands together before he made a hologram screen pop out in front of him with barely a wave of his hand. “JARV, do you still have those blueprints of the suit I made in the caves?”

“Yes, Sir. I have them in a “Never Use Again” file,” was a quick reply, and Tony could swear there was a hint of happiness in the robotic British accent right there.

“Well, we are going to use it so you might as well change the name on it to… “Secret Project”. Ah, what the hell, I don’t want to think too much over it, I’m gonna need my brain in a minute. And lots of coffee, too!” he called, turning his head towards his bots’ charging stations. All three of them jerked to life and Dum-E was the first one who got to the coffee maker, making Tony chuckle. “Okay, then. Let’s do this.”

* * *

Tony was in the middle of his third cup of coffee and was almost finished with the full blown and, most importantly, correct blueprint for the suit from the caves. It was already named MARK I and he and JARVIS were just going through everything one more time to see if there were any mistakes. That’s when the AI didn’t answer one of the engineer’s questions, and Tony rested his hip against the edge of the hologram’s stand, staring at it with a frown.

“JARV?”

“I apologize, Sir, but you have a phone call. The lady on the other side says it’s important.”

“Sure, why not, give her to me,” Tony said without waiting and walked around the hologram, watching the whole projection of the massive suit, taking a better look at the red wiring under the blue lines that were the outside cover of them.

“Mister Stark? It’s Amelia Cooper, from the rehab facility you left today,” she said and Tony started wondering why didn’t she use the official name for the place, but then— Tony still didn’t know it so he probably wouldn’t recognize it if she said it anyway.

“Ah, yes, yes,” he said and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Did I leave something in my room?” he joked, walking back to his desk.

“No, I’m not calling you about that, Sir,” she replied and it was easy to say she was smiling at his joke. This made Tony grin widely. “I’m calling because Dr. Odinson would like to set an appointment.”

Tony stilled, swallowing hard before he slowly slumped down on the chair, eyes staring blindly at something in front of him. “I wanted to call tomorrow about that. I thought that would be better,” he muttered loudly in reply.

“Dr. Odinson seems to be worried about you, from what I could tell. He wants to set the appointment as fast as possible for you, Sir. I understand you have a company on your head, and—“

“No, no,” Tony cut her off quickly, blinking rapidly as he regained his vision and his mind began to work as it should again. “I still have some free days left. When is he open?”

There was some rustling of papers and a quiet voice Tony could swear sounded like Loki’s. Then Amy was back, a soft sigh leaving her lips before she spoke up into the receiver again.

“The doctor is free on Thursday in the evening hours. Is 5P.M. okay?”

“Yes, yes,” he replied quickly, leaning back into his seat and rubbing at his forehead. That was in two days. “I’ll be in his office by then, thank you.”

“You’re welcome and thank you for your time, Sir. Good bye,” Amy replied, and before she cut the call Tony could hear Loki’s voice again, sounding like he was at the very least frustrated. Still, he couldn’t make out any words. JARVIS could do that for him, but what was the point? Tony really didn’t need more to think about whenever his mind decided to wander off to the therapist.

So, that would be all about his plan to call Loki himself and start talking with him like buddies. But then, he would probably make a fool out of himself if he decided to set this particular part of the plan in motion. Especially with things in between them as they were now. He had to do it slow, there was just no other way with Loki.

“Sir, would you like me to save the MARK I blueprint?” JARVIS asked after a moment of silence.

Tony rubbed at his forehead again and took in a deep breath, nodding in reply. “Yeah… Yeah, save it. Everything is okay anyway. Just like I did it in the caves,” he muttered the last sentence and stood up, walking to the hologram stand.

He watched as the smaller version of the suit disappeared from the view just as he reached the stand, and he revealed a keyboard on the edge with one swift move of his hand just above the surface. He tapped in a “MARK II” and stared at the empty space in front of him before he swallowed hard and reached for his cup of coffee.

“Okay, then. Let’s make a better version since I’m back home again,” he said and thanked Dum-E when the bot pushed one of the chairs his way. Tony sat heavily and took a sip of his drink, humming thankfully when U brought him a few sheets of blank white paper and a pencil. He set everything at the hologram stand in front of him and set the cup down, taking the pencil in his free hand.

He started sketching each part of the new suit separately before he was set for a full view. It took him a few hours during which he drank at least four mugs of coffee that Dum-E made for him. It was maybe twenty minutes into his work when he realized the workshop was too quiet for his liking.

“JARVIS, where’s the music?” he asked incredulously, shaking his head in disapproval. “I work effectively only with my music, you know that.”

“I’m so sorry, Sir,” the AI replied, and Tony smiled at how sincere its voice was.

It only widened when he heard the familiar tunes of Black Sabbath, and he gave himself a few minutes to listen to the song with his eyes closed and back resting against the chair. Oh, how he missed that – being able to work with his music turned on so loud it blocked any unnecessary sounds from outside. Not that anything was coming to him through the thick walls, but there was nothing wrong with precautions.

It was too nice to be back again, and he enjoyed every single minute he was spending in his workshop, even when his mind wandered off to Loki every once in a while. He tried not to think about the man too much, it was never safe to be distracted while making a suit you would put on yourself later ~~on~~.

Tony spent the whole night like that, sketching and then scanning the results so he would make a proper hologram out of them. He often sang with the lead singer – impersonating Ozzy was hard, no matter what anyone might think – and even when he felt tired he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He finally had a purpose in his life; one that would make him worth something more than just his money, his weapons or his dick. He was really determined to make a difference, help people around the world, and the first ones who would get the help where the people who got hurt by the Ten Rings.

He didn’t realize how much time he had spent in the workshop until Pepper came early in the morning to check on him. He was hovering over the hologram, still making some corrections and necessary additions to it. The music was playing so loud Tony didn’t hear her stilettos on the floor nor her screams when she called him over and over.

First he felt her, than heard.

“Tony!” she almost screamed into his ear, her hand clenching around his shoulder. “What are you doing?!”

He turned around, clutching the arc reactor with his free hand as he tried to calm his beating heart. He was sure the rate now was way higher than it should be, and he smiled at her, before he said a loud “Mute,” and everything went quiet again.

“Hey, Pep. I’m working,” he replied, moving a bit to the side to cover the hologram with his body. He didn’t want her to see it just yet. It all had to remain a secret for the time being. “What are you doing here?”

“Checking on you,” she said and narrowed her blue eyes a bit, noticing his behavior. Even if she found it weird, she didn’t comment on it and decided to ignore the whole thing. Tony was more than happy she did so. “Did you stay here the whole night?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Tony grinned proudly, waving his free hand behind his back and in a blink of an eye the whole hologram disappeared in the thin air. “I had some ideas in the facility and now I’m trying to make them a reality,” he explained and moved forward towards his desk, picking up his mug and taking a long sip of his already cold coffee. “Dum, make me another one, please?”

He turned in time to see the bot hurrying towards the coffee machine, and he couldn’t help but grin at that even more. Oh, how he missed his bots.

“Tony,” he heard Pepper’s reprimanding voice, and he already knew what she was going to say. She had already said the same so many times in the past, and it made him happier because… It was a sign everything was going back to the way it was before Afghanistan. “You can’t do that. You barely came back, you need some rest.”

A small laugh erupted from his throat and he turned to face her, a barely visible smirk spreading his lips. “Pep, I had my rest. Two whole months. Well,” he stopped, tilting his head to the side and wrinkling his nose a little. “Make it one. But that’s still a lot,” he looked at her seriously and sat on the counter, feet dangling in the air. “I’m okay. I’m working and it’s all much better now.”

She looked at him in obvious disapproval, watching him for a long moment. Her lips were pressed in a tight line and Tony was barely holding back his pleased grin, because everything around looked more and more like the past he was used to; like the past he had missed since he was back from the dessert. He couldn’t _not_ smile at that, even when Pepper was going to act all parent-like on him again.

“I swear, I’m okay,” he said happily, the urge to grin winning the fight. “Dum and JARVIS are taking care of me, I’ve eaten a few times… Actually, I was about to take a shower and go back to work for another couple of hours before taking a nap.”

Pepper’s eyebrows went up so high, they almost disappeared under her fringe. Tony grinned even wider at the view, and his own brows wiggled before he took the mug of steaming coffee from Dum-E’s claw. He thanked the bot and took what felt like his thousandth gulp of coffee in the last twenty four hours, and a loud hum of approval left his nose.

“Tony, are you—“, Pep started and kept looking at him, her eyes wide with surprise and confusion. “Are you sure you’re okay? You didn’t— take anything, did you?” she asked in a quiet voice, previous emotions turning back into worry.

Tony glared at her, mug still at his lips as he tried to process what he just heard.

Of course Pepper had the right to think Tony might have taken something, but he thought that after all the talks he had with Loki _and her_ back in the facility, she would knew he wouldn’t do that once he was back. Besides, she had to see that he was far from being stoned or drunk – his pupils weren’t dilated, and he wasn’t running around like a chicken with its head cut off. He was acting normally, just like he did before Afghanistan.

Maybe that was the whole point of it? Maybe she thought it would take him more time to go back to that state? Maybe he scared her with how quick and easy it was?

A soft sigh left Tony’s lips and he jumped off his desk, setting the mug down before he slowly walked towards his PA.

“I’m fine. And clean,” he said and took her hand, squeezing it gently. “I didn’t take anything, JARVIS can confirm, he won’t lie,” he added and walked away, both hands resting on the hologram stand as he looked at it. “I’m just happy, Pep. I’m really, _really_ glad to be back. That’s all.”

He could barely hear her walk; it’s like she was moving on her tip toes so the heels wouldn’t make contact with the floor. That’s why he jumped a little, when he felt the gentle arm on his shoulder. Next thing he saw was Pepper standing at his side, a small smile gracing her features.

“That’s good,” she said softly, tightening her grip just to emphasize how good it really was. “We missed you, too, you know.”

Tony turned his head to look at her and he nodded, swallowing hard before he let his lips spread into a smile similar to Pepper’s. “I know,” he muttered and nodded again, his eyes wandering back to the hologram stand.

There was not another word said after that, and they both stayed as they were for a long while before he could feel Pepper’s hand tightening on his shoulder one more time. He gave a small nod and listened as she walked off, disappearing up the stairs. Tony stayed motionless for a moment longer, thinking about everything before he snorted and came back to his desk.

No matter how much he might try, they would still watch him in case he started taking drugs again. There was a higher price to be paid for what he had done and he hadn’t realized that until now. The two months in the facility were just the beginning on the difficult road to get clean. He needed to get ready to face more situations like that from everyone around him. It wouldn’t be much of surprise if Rhodey stopped by later today.

If Tony had known the consequences of his actions, he would never have tried to kill himself. He would actually _do it_ effectively to spare himself all of the looks and suspicions. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for everything that was coming his way. He could work with the suits and the later revenge he was planning to have on the Ten Rings. He was ready for everything that was meant to come after, the voices of approval and hate and any other opinion. He was ready for that because people would not know he was the one behind it all. He was building himself into a superhero and he was ready to accept the fact not everyone would treat him as such.

Yet, he was not ready to feel like a person who had recently gone through rehab and who had to suffer under the shadow of possibility that they might fall back into their addiction. He was not ready for the looks, for the words of support or mocking in his direction. He didn’t _want_ that.

What he wanted was for people to treat him the way they used to, the way he was used to. He preferred being on the cover of some lowly gossip magazine with some stupid girl under his arm, and the reason he preferred that was because he already knew how to work with that. He could do that, he could drown himself in the oceans of alcohol and all the women who wanted to be fucked by him.

But then there it was, this feeling that it wasn’t right anymore; that even though he felt like everything was back to normal again he was a different person, whether he wanted that or not. He couldn’t be the same Tony, because there was already this burden of Afghanistan, arc reactor in his chest and… Loki. Things were far from being the way he was used for them to be and that was the fact he wasn’t ready to accept just yet.

And so Tony threw himself into the whirlwind of work, liters of coffee and little food. He needed some time to accept that, he needed the time to think about everything before he readied himself for the new world of Tony Stark.


	14. XIII. Ain't It Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the wait :x

“Sir, Miss Potts would love to have you on the main floor.”

Tony groaned, and blinked himself awake, looking around in confusion.

Great, he had fallen asleep in the lab, right after promising Pepper he would do his best to be healthier, even when working. The old Tony wouldn’t have been bothered by that, but things had changed, and now he felt like a complete asshole. Not to mention the pain in his back from lying bent over his desk for a few hours.

He rubbed a hand over his face and looked around again, Dum-E stopping next to him at almost the same moment with a cup of coffee in his claw. “Thanks, buddy,” Tony croaked out and took the mug, sipping on the hot beverage slowly. “Tell Pep I’ll be up in a few minutes,” he then ordered Jarvis and leaned backwards in his seat, feeling already better from the coffee.

“Yes, Sir,” the AI returned, and Tony’s workshop went quiet again.

Tony had been back for barely forty eight hours and the place already looked like he had never left. Parts were scattered everywhere, so much so that the bots had some trouble rolling around the place, but all three of them looked more happy than irritated. It looked like Tony wasn’t the only one who had missed the mess.

It could just be his imagination, but the bots really seemed happy. Each one, when Tony called their name, rolled towards him almost immediately, claws moving as though they were excited to do something for him. And as much as it might have looked like rather normal for someone on the outside, there was something about the bots that made Tony think he had really been missed here. Plus JARVIS was constantly asking him if anything that needed to be checked or found when it got too quiet.

Maybe it was Tony slowly going crazy after everything he’d been through, but he certainly wouldn’t mind being this kind of crazy. His bots looked too fun and cute acting as they were, and he didn’t want to think of it as just his imagination. Maybe he loved thinking he was such a brilliant engineer that he could even give his creations something akin to feelings. Like that wouldn’t be the coolest thing ever!

When there was finally nothing left in his mug, Tony stood up and stretched, groaning as all the joints in his body popped. He stretched some more and patted U on his way out, watching over the workshop for a moment before he made his way upstairs.

There was one thing he didn’t expect to see there, and that was Obie standing in his living room. The man put on a wide smile as soon as he heard Tony’s steps and moved to meet him at the head of the stairs, giving him a tight, bear-like hug.

“Tony! I’m so glad to see you’re all okay!” Obie called out way too loud, as he always did when he seemed happy or enthusiastic. It had never irritated Tony before, but now his good mood was starting to fade. “The guys at the facility did a great job. And you, of course! I never doubted you.”

“Yeah, well,” Tony did his best to smile, rubbing at the back of his neck and making his way towards the couch where Pepper sat with a Stark laptop on her knees and a cup from Starbucks standing on the coffee table in front of her. “I guess the facility was a good choice after all.”

At that Pepper looked at him, her brows furrowed in obvious displeasure and worry as she caught his eye. Tony just shook her off with one quick move and plopped down on the couch next to her, not even bothering to check, what she was working on.

“Did you sleep in the lab?” she asked, and sighed just seconds later, knowing there was no answer needed. “Tony…”

“I bet it was something important,” Obie said and sat down on Tony’s other side, an awful wide smile still on his lips. “Did you come up with anything fun during your rehab?”

It was the first time someone had used that word around Tony, and even though he knew rehab was exactly where he had spent the past two months, it still sounded like something incredibly shameful. He almost winced at the word even now, but he looked to Pepper, who just smiled at him softly and patted his hand.

“Yeah,” he started after a moment, watching his friend go back to work. “I guess you can say that.”

“Is it something good? Ah, why am I even asking, it’s probably amazing,” Obie remarked, as though he didn’t notice anything was different. “What clever new weapon have you come up with now?”

Both, Pepper and Tony looked at him in disbelief, but Obie appeared completely clueless, his smile fading only a small bit.

Tony’s blood boiled, and he was ready to punch the face that was staring back at him with such ignorance and boldness, it was impossible Obie was even real. Tony couldn’t remember if he had ever been this stupid himself, and he really had done some ignorant things in his life.

“No. No weapons. No guns, no knifes, no missiles, nothing,” he said slowly and stood up, walking past Pepper, who was watching him cautiously. “It wasn’t a junkie’s wish to close Stark Industries weapons department, Obadiah. I really meant that. I saw what my inventions do, what hands they end up in. And I’m done,” he snapped and looked at his old friend, who was slowly becoming someone less than that. “No weapons are to be made ever again in this company, and if I find out my decision was ignored, you better pray for those people, because I can’t say what I’ll do.”

“Now, Tony,” Obie stood up as well and raised his hands a bit, smiling at him politely. “Calm down and think this through, it is not a wise deci—“

“I already _did_ that,” Tony cut him off , trying not to wince at the images that started popping up in his mind. “You weren’t there, you didn’t see what I saw. You didn’t hear what I heard. It’s wrong. I don’t want to be remembered as a _Merchant of Death_ for the rest of my life.”

He could see Pepper staring at him, her face twisted with pain and genuine worry. He just shook his head, turning around and running back downstairs without even bothering to look at Obie again. He could hear the man shouting his name and calling after him with words that were supposed to either calm him down or talk some sense into him. The whole point was Tony didn’t need any of it; not from Obadiah anyway. His old friend was the last person he wanted to listen to, and it wasn’t surprising who was at the top of the list at the moment.

It took a great effort from Tony to not get his phone or just ask JARVIS to dial the right number. He couldn’t call Loki. Not in such a state. He didn’t want to call Loki for the first time since he had left the facility when he was angry and unbelievably sad. It wouldn’t help even a small bit; it was better to just wait it through and try not to think about the person who had caused it. Much better.

That’s why Tony sat down behind his desk and waved to bring one of the holographic monitors closer. He hovered his hand over the desk right after and as soon as the blue keyboard appeared on the surface he started typing, only to delete what he had typed into the search engine seconds later.

“Sir, is something wrong?” JARVIS asked, obviously surprised with Tony’s behavior.

“Yeah, yeah…”

“Do you want me to search for the information about Mr. Loki Odinson, Sir?”

Tony took in a deep breath at that, staring at the holographic screen and thinking about the answer.

He couldn’t just get Loki out of his mind now that he had started to think of him, and it would take so much effort to push him away again. But Tony wasn’t all that sure if he wanted to. And yeah, maybe he was a bit of a creep, searching out stuff about Loki on the net, but it was only fair that way, right? Loki already knew his whole life story by now; why couldn’t Tony get to know some of Loki’s?

Still, it felt too weird to do that. For some reason, Tony wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to know Loki’s past. As it was that his therapist was a good person, there was something about him… Like that time in his office when they had fought. Angry Loki was one of the most terrifying things Tony had ever seen in his life – he still couldn’t get over that look in those green eyes; the look of someone who wouldn’t think twice before killing in cold blood. That should have been enough to scare Tony away.

But Tony would be the last to judge, especially with his past and the long list of inventions used to kill hundreds thousands of people. Who knows what had happened to Loki in his past? Everyone has their own demons and it’s all about controlling them. As long as you’re in control, nothing bad can happen. And Loki was in control, when all he had done to Tony was to hold him pressed into the wall. Tony should have been scared, but he really wasn’t, because maybe he could understand Loki better than the both of them thought?

“Yeah, you do that,” he murmured after a while and gave a soft nod before he turned in his chair, looking up at the door just in time to see Pepper punching in the security code.

She stepped inside a moment later, carrying a stack of papers in her arms and walking straight towards Tony.

“I need to talk to you,” she said, smiling when U rolled a chair her way. She took it and sat down in front of him, resting the papers in her lap.

“If it’s about Obadiah I am not in the mood.”

“No, I was thinking about the Charity Gala that we hold every year,” she replied and smiled at him, looking at the screen behind him, but when she saw nothing there, she just looked back at him. “It’s next week and we already know who’s going to come. I just wanted to know if you want something to be organized during the celebration. We have the auction, there’s already a proper band booked, not AC/DC, and—“

“Can you put Loki on the guests list?” Tony asked, cutting her off.

Pepper blinked, staring at him with surprise. “Loki?”

“Yeah,” Tony nodded, biting down on his bottom lip for a short second. “And if you can get the invite ready for tonight that would be great. I have a meeting with him scheduled for tomorrow and I was thinking I could give it to him when I’m there.”

Pepper looked at him as though he had gone mad and for a moment he really thought he had. He agreed with Loki, they should just keep things between them professional, but the opportunity was too good to ignore.

“Tony, you can’t do that!”

“But why?” he asked, grinning when his mind provided a very believable explanation. “He helped me get better, why wouldn’t I be grateful and invite him to my charity gala?”

Pepper shook her head at him, and looked down at her papers, going through a few of them before she graced Tony with another “you’re crazy” stare. “I can’t believe you. I thought the two of you had this settled. Can’t you respect his wishes?”

Tony frowned at that and his first move was to turn back on his chair so he wouldn’t meet her eyes. She was both worried and tired at the same time, which wasn’t really surprising. But this time Tony wouldn’t bring her any trouble; it was the last thing he wanted. He just wanted to have someone more than Pepper to talk to at the Gala. At least that’s what he was now telling himself.

“I do respect his decision. I just—“ he stopped and swallowed, wondering why it was still too hard for him to talk about some of this stuff, especially when it was connected to Loki.

He felt Pepper’s hand on his shoulder before he could continue and he unconsciously leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering shut. He knew she was staring at him, but he didn’t dare to look up, not wanting to see more of her worry. He had had enough of that for at least a week. Tony could hear her sigh in exasperation, but there was something about that sound that told him she was smiling,

“Okay, I’ll get the invite,” she said, carding her fingers through Tony’s hair gently. “But I don’t want you to hit on him. If he doesn’t want anything, don’t go there, Tony. I really don’t want you hurt again.”

Tony opened his eyes and looked at her, a small smile spreading across her lips that were painted with a bright red lipstick. She looked tired from this angle and it strangely brought up memories of Maria. She used to stare at him like that, too. Just the reasons were far more trivial than when Pepper did.

“Will you finally stop worrying about me?” he said then and he turned his chair once again, facing her and still looking up to maintain the eye contact. “I’m not the old Tony. I know what I can do and what I can’t. I’m a big boy.”

“Did I ever believe that before?”

“Well, I’m not the person I was back then,” he pointed out and her smile faded, her bright blue eyes turning away from his.

She sat down in her chair a moment later, scooting closer to Tony but still not looking directly at him.

“I know you’re not the same. I just really don’t want you hurt. I see how you look when he’s mentioned and even when you so much as think about him. If it goes any further I’m afraid it’ll end so badly, therapy won’t be enough to help,” she murmured, staring at Tony’s knee.

Tony couldn’t help but think about her words.

She was right, of course she was. She was the closest thing he had to love, and it had ended up anything but movie-like. Maybe it was too soon back then, when Tony wasn’t even an adult, and then he certainly wasn’t acting like one. It was probably his fault that it hadn’t work out.

He was different now, and he knew he couldn’t do some things. Flirting with Loki was one of the many he was banned from now. But he really wanted Loki to be there and since he had been granted an invite… He wouldn’t hit on Loki though, he would make sure of that. He still remembered the fight they had had after the kiss and he wasn’t going to push. Loki wouldn’t have that, anyway. Tony just wanted the man to be… present in his life. Loki was far more than just a therapist to him, and if he couldn’t have Loki’s love, he would settle for friendship.

And that’s exactly what Tony decided – having Loki as a friend was far better than not having Loki at all. So he told Pepper. She watched him, eyes opened wide and locked on his and he was glad she was too confident to look away. She smiled at his last words and leaned forward to hug him, rubbing his back gently.

“It’s a good decision, Tony. Really,” she said quietly before pulling away.

After that they talked more about the gala, Tony signed some papers and then Pepper left, leaving him to battle with his own thoughts about Loki, Obadiah and the suit.

Out of all the last one was the most appealing, but it seemed that fate had something else in store for him.

“Sir, I just finished collecting all the data about Mr. Odinson. Would you like to see the results now?” JARVIS’s voice sounded throughout the room and Tony looked at the holographic screen above his desk, where a small icon named “L.O.” appeared in the right bottom corner.

It didn’t take much thinking before Tony clicked on it himself and started reading. He knew damn well he shouldn’t do this; that Loki could very probably kill him for it, but it was too late to back away now. Tony already had all possible info about Loki right in front of him, and his will wasn’t strong enough to resist that.

Besides, Loki had gathered information about Tony from the internet, too. And it wasn’t like Tony would get to know all of his personal life from the data JARVIS had gathered. Sure, there was a lot of things, but even the internet couldn’t come up with everything. Like, for example, when and where Loki had been born. There was nothing indicated on his first birth certificate.

Right next to that was an article about him, detailing how a new born had been found by a couple that couldn’t have children. Loki had been abandoned shortly after his birth. Tony’s eyes widened at that, and that encouraged him to just keep on reading. There was a picture of the woman who had later became his mom and she looked nothing like the godly woman Tony saw back in the facility that one day.

Thinking about it, Loki didn’t look like either of them. He looked so completely different, though from his movements it was easy for Tony to see he had been raised by the woman at the clinic. But then, how was that possible if he had most likely met her later in his life?

Tony had to be right about that one, but there was just nothing of Loki’s biological mother in any of the papers, not to mention that the woman didn’t really look like someone who would abandon her child. There was something wrong with the entire picture, and maybe Tony was being weird if he was it all basing just on Loki’s looks, but he couldn’t come up with any other explanation. For now, at least.

Then he read the article about Loki’s adopted parents being killed, and it was followed by an article of how the murderers had been found beaten and begging to be taken to jail. Tony’s frown only deepened, and his mind was working fast and hard, taking everything in and trying to piece together Loki’s story out of all this information on his own. It didn’t take him long before he was finished reading everything JARVIS had collected and he stared at the screen blankly, scratching at his goatee.

Loki’s life had holes in it, small and big ones, and it was kind of disturbing, if Tony had to be honest with himself. The most important thing for him was what the hell happened to Loki before he had been found? And why had he changed his name after his parents had died?

There was the possibility he had found his biological parents. That would explain the blond woman visiting him that one day. But how he had managed to do that when there was absolutely nothing about him from before he was adopted and taken care of? It was good that Loki had ended up to be who he was now, considering the circumstances, but Tony couldn’t help but feel there was something much more to the story.

Something was really not right with it all and the more he thought about that, the more sure he felt.

* * *

Tony woke up the next day about an hour before the meeting with Loki was scheduled. After he had almost burned Loki’s story into his brain he had spent a few hours working on the MARK II some more. He hadn’t realized it was almost morning until JARVIS had reminded him about the meeting.

Tony rolled off his bed quickly as soon as the AI had answered his question about the hour and he jumped into the shower, washing the sweat and the scent of his workshop off of himself. By the time he was more or less ready to leave Pepper was practically shooting daggers from her eyes while waiting for him at the front door.

“Really, Tony?!” she shrieked as soon as she saw him, shoving the invitation into his chest. “I’ve been standing here for half an hour, where were you?!”

“Uh, I overslept,” Tony replied sheepishly as he grinned down at the white envelope in his hands. He hid it in the inner pocket of his black leather jacket and looked up at her, his grin fading just a bit. “Oh, c’mon, I didn’t know you were here. Should’ve told JARV.”

“You— Ugh, never mind,” she snapped and gently pushed him towards his car. “You’ll be late for the meeting. Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“Sure thing, Pep.”

She stared at Tony in disbelief when he saluted her, a shit-eating grin still spreading his lips. She remained like that for a moment before deciding he wasn’t worth a comment, and she walked off to her own car, getting in and driving off quickly. Tony got into his limo after she disappeared round the corner and waved at Happy, gesturing for him to move.

“Hey, Boss. You look good today.”

“Thanks, Happy,” Tony almost sing-songed back, catching himself on time.

That didn’t stop Happy from snorting with amusement at the look on Tony’s face, but the genius was already gone, staring at the envelope he just took out of his pocket.

He had no idea what all the invites looked like, but this one was glorious. It wasn’t sealed, either, so he could freely take out the card inside and read through it. Loki’s name was neatly written with a black pen, that looked perfect on the ecru-colored invitation.

Tony really hoped with his whole being Loki would accept it – after all, he had talked with Pepper and it was always a small win whenever she agreed. Besides, after the talk he had had with her, he had needed to come up with a plausible explanation, one that Loki would buy, too.

It wasn’t easy to cheat the sexy bastard and Tony had to think quickly if he didn’t want to sound like an amateur in the office then giving the invite to the doctor. He did have some time, at least half an hour, and that was a lot for his brain.

He remembered the last night’s talk along with all of the thoughts he had had during it. It didn’t take him long before he decided that what he had said to Pepper would also work with Loki. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t mean that; he really was sure that the best way out of the situation was to stay friends with him – Loki had done so much for him, after all, it wouldn’t be all that strange. It was the perfect explanation, even if deep inside Tony knew he didn’t really believe it himself. But that was still hidden too deep for him to consider.

It did take a bit longer for them to get to the facility, but the good thing about Happy was that he always managed to be punctual Plus, Pepper had foreseen that and pulled Tony out of the house a bit earlier than needed, though, of course he didn’t realize until now.

Tony  blinked as the car stopped and looked at his chauffeur and friend in confusion only to receive a bit of an exasperated look back. Then he looked outside and saw the familiar building of the clinic. He wondered if there were new people inside, and if he would get to see the ones he remembered from his stay, which hadn’t ended long ago at all.

He took in a deep breath and nodded, opening the car doors for himself before looking at Happy again. “You can go and get some food for yourself, I don’t know how long it will take. Though, it would be good if you get back here in half an hour. Just in case,” he said, doing his best not to wince.

Happy just nodded at him in return and wished him luck, driving off as soon as the doors slammed shut behind Tony.

The engineer watched the building for another moment, taking in a deep breath as he finally took the first step then another few. He felt a bit strange, walking back into the facility after having left. It brought back the memories of the first night, when he had checked in. He suddenly realized that the man, who had been standing by the counter back then was actually Loki. Now he wouldn’t confuse his doctor’s silhouette with anyone else’s. Hell, he was sure he could draw it with his eyes closed.

The doors creaked a bit when he pushed them open, one of the male nurses helping him out the moment he noticed someone was walking in. It turned out it was one of the men that had tried to catch him when they all had thought he was running away.

“Mr. Stark! What brings you here, if I may ask?” he questioned with a smile, letting Tony in and gesturing towards the counter. “Is everything okay?”

“Sure thing. I just have an appointment here,” Tony replied, smiling brightly at the girl behind the counter, who greeted him with a smile of her own.

She almost instantly picked up the phone and dialed an inside number, only to drop it a second later. Tony frowned at that and was about to ask what had happened when he heard steps behind him. He turned around and there he was; Loki in all his grace, wearing a green plaid shirt and a pair of jeans. It was the least professional he could get without taking his clothes off, and Tony be damned, he had to really control himself not to sigh in amazement.

“Mr. Stark,” Loki greeted him with a nod and a small quirk of his lips, sending the male nurse off with a tilt of his head. “I thought it would be nice to go outside today, since weather’s so nice. Do you mind?”

It took Tony a second to reply, and he was sure Loki wasn’t the only one to notice that. “Yeah, yeah. I like that, actually.”

“Shall we?” Loki asked then, his smile turning just a small bit brighter as he gestured for Tony to follow him.

Tony did so without a second thought, watching his therapist from the corner of his eyes as they walked. He followed Loki through the common room and out into the garden. He was surprised when Loki didn’t make a beeline towards the tables on the porch, though; instead he walked forward the whole time, undoubtedly heading for the bovver.

Tony couldn’t help how his heart was beating slightly faster at the realization. He couldn’t help remembering the kiss (and obviously what had happened before that), but that still didn’t mean anything. They both had an agreement and Tony didn’t want to blow it on their first meeting after Tony’s release. Even if it felt more like a friendly meeting so far, and not an actual session with a therapist.

Neither of them said a word all the way to the bovver, and even then, when they sat down on the stairs and Tony rested his back against the wooden column, they stayed quiet. Loki seemed to enjoy the weather, while Tony waited for the doctor to speak up because he didn’t want to be the first one to do it.

“How is it?” Loki said after a while, turning to finally look at Tony. “Is it good to be back to normal?”

Tony rolled his eyes at the man, a short chuckle leaving his throat in response. He then looked down on his lap, picking at his fingernails as he replied. “It’s okay, I guess. Pepper’s back to worrying if I eat and sleep when I’m supposed to,” he chuckled again and raised his head to look at the other man. “I was working almost the whole time. You were right; it’s helping a lot to get back.”

Loki smiled at the news and nodded, watching Tony for a moment, head tilting to the side a bit. He looked so cute while doing it, especially with that smile on his face and it took a lot for Tony not to move closer.

“Normally, it’s the things we like that help us get back to normal after an experience like yours. Or something completely new, but I couldn’t imagine that you would develop an interest in something more that engineering,” Loki grinned slightly and cleared his throat, looking away again. “So, are you working on that suit you told me about?”

“Yeah,” Tony nodded and watched the man closely, licking over his lips before he continued. “It’s still in a blueprints phase, but I think I’ll start building it soon. Who knows,” he shrugged, and stayed quiet for a long moment, fighting an inner debate.

Should he ask Loki now? Was it a good moment or should he wait until the meeting was almost over? But what if he forgot about it by then and didn’t give Loki the invite?

Tony rolled his eyes at himself and reached back, taking the envelope out of his back pocket and straightening it up on his thigh. He didn’t notice Loki watching him the whole time and when he looked up, he could feel his cheeks turning pink.

Loki was watching him with such curiosity it was almost impossible for Tony to hold himself back. There was something more in the look, something that made it a bit brighter, and it wasn’t just that similar spark that screamed “mischief”. It took a moment for Tony to smile, because it looked like he wasn’t the only one who had been waiting for their meeting.

“What is it?” Loki asked when nothing was immediately said.

Tony swallowed and glanced down at the envelope.

_C’mon, Tony, it’s not that hard. You’ve done things like this before._

“Um, Stark Industries is organizing a Charity Gala tomorrow night, and I thought it would be nice to have you there,” he said and he almost stopped breathing when he saw how much brighter and wider Loki’s eyes had turned. “As a friend, of course. I know we decided on a strictly platonic relationship but—“

“I’d love to come,” Loki cut him off with a grin, reaching for the invite. “Thank you.”

“Really?” Tony asked with both, relief and excitement, noticing how close Loki was sitting now.

_When did that happen?_

Loki chuckled softly and nodded, taking the envelope from him and pulling the invitation out. He read the whole thing, smiling as he did, and he carefully put it all away after he was done.

“I’m guessing Miss Potts thought of it as a less than brilliant idea,” Loki hummed and looked at Tony, his eyes obviously happy.

“Um, yeah. She was afraid I’ll blow it,” Tony chuckled nervously and nodded. “I was afraid I would blow it, too, to be honest,” he added and nodded slowly.

Loki frowned at that and scooted even closer, their thighs touching now. It was unbelievable how cool Loki seemed and how appealing it was to Tony. He needed so much willpower just to not throw himself at his therapist and take the man’s breath away with his tongue.

“Now, why would you think that?” Loki asked and smiled, bending forward a bit and leaning closer to look into Tony’s eyes. “Tony?”

The engineer blinked and smiled sheepishly, shrugging when he looked away. “Well, I told you before I seem to be unable to hold any kind of relationship. I don’t know how it happened that Pepper and Rhodey are still here.”

“But why would you think that inviting me to the gala would destroy our relationship?”

Tony bit down on the inside of his cheek and glanced at Loki, noticing the small wrinkle in between his eyebrows. He was genuinely worried and curious. But, what if he decided that Tony needed more help than what a rehab therapist could provide?

“Because,” he started and swallowed hard, muttering to himself inaudibly before he straightened up and met Loki’s stare. “Because I want you to be my friend. And I don’t want to have just Pepper to talk to there. She’ll be running around anyway, and I just— I’ll need someone else there,” he said, swallowing hard and watching Loki closely for any reaction.

There was none for a long moment, and it was starting to worry Tony that Loki could stare so long without even blinking. It was a short while before he finally did blink and looked directly at Tony. It was so good and relieving to see him smiling just second later; it felt too good to have Loki smile at him like that.

“What’s the official statement?” he asked and flashed his teeth in a small grin.

“That I am grateful for the help and decided to invite you?” Tony replied with a small chuckle.

“Are you grateful?” Loki prompted and Tony could feel him leaning closer.

“Of course,” he managed to get out and he swallowed again, hands fisting on his sides as he did everything he could to control himself. “You did so much. Not just anyone would want to cope with my shit.”

Loki’s smile faded and he frowned a bit, something like worry and sadness making that small wrinkle appear in between his brows again. He kept leaning closer and closer, stopping only when their noses were an inch or two away. This was not what Tony had expected from his therapist, and if it wasn’t for the fact he had promised Pepper and Loki, too, he would be pulling the man close enough that air couldn’t exist in between them.

“Aren’t you afraid I’ll be doing a psychological analysis of you the whole time?” Loki asked, voice suddenly quiet and low, as though he was afraid someone would hear them. And it wasn’t about the question itself, but the way he asked it – Tony almost shivered from the sound of his voice.

“Honestly? I think it would be nothing but good for me. And everyone else, too,” he replied after a long second, during which he tried to control his own voice so it wouldn’t shake as he spoke. It was so hard, especially with Loki so close to him.

The therapist smiled back in response and slowly licked his lips, and Tony was sure it was actually going to happen. He wanted it so badly; he wanted Loki’s lips on his again, he wanted to feel that cool skin and warm tongue and he wanted to have the other’s hands all over himself, under his shirt and pants and in his hair. He wanted to feel Loki everywhere.

But it seemed Loki had other plans, because as soon as his lips were wet and inviting he pulled away, staying close to Tony, but paying no attention to him. Tony could feel how tight it suddenly was in his jeans and he looked down, only to cross his legs and look away quickly, doing his best to hide his reaction.

“I’m glad you’re keeping your promise,” Loki said quietly and looked at him again, smiling kindly. “I’d love to come and be your friend. I was worried about you those past few days, to be honest,” he chuckled and shrugged innocently. “I guess I’m not the best at my job anymore.”

He said that without a shadow of disappointment or anger. It looked like he was almost happy to say that. But that wasn’t on Tony’s mind now. Not when he had to go through what he had just heard.

Loki was _worried_ about him. Maybe even _missed_ him. It looked like it, since he was all happy and bright when Tony saw him. And that moment they had just had. Maybe Loki had stopped regretting the kiss?

No. No, no, no. Too far. Tony couldn’t let himself go too far. Pepper was right; he was already head over heels for Loki, and it was way too much. Even now. Loki had just told him he was worried and he agreed on them being friends. That’s all Tony could allow himself to be happy about; he had to control his brain otherwise he would end up as hurt as Pepper feared. He had to get a hold of himself and stop looking at Loki as someone to… love.

He just hoped it wasn’t too late for that.

“Or maybe you just found the rarest patient in the world who is worthy of your friendship?” Tony asked with a sheepish grin and elbowed Loki playfully. “I think it’s normal that you’re worried about your patients. I mean, you’ve spent so much time with us, either in the sessions or just simply hanging out around the place…”

“That is right, but I’ve never was worried about any of my patients as I am about you,” Loki replied and he looked at Tony with a soft expression on his face. “Perhaps you are that rare patient.”

Tony had no idea what to say to that and so he just smiled, sure that his body had betrayed him. He could feel his cheeks turning a bit warmer and that meant only one thing. Not to mention the look on Loki’s face now; it was hard to say what it meant exactly. All Tony knew was that it was making something flutter happily in his stomach.

He hated himself for having such a reaction to Loki. He had to gain more control over himself otherwise the other would be able to read him like an open book. And Tony be damned, he hated that more than most anything else in his life. He hated being easy to decipher; he hated when people could easily see that there was something wrong. He had had the ability to hide everything behind a smug smile, but after Afghanistan, when he wasn’t even thinking about using that, it had all started to slip away from him. Now he had to get it back.

“Are you fine on your own?” Loki asked after a long pause, looking at the space in front of him. “I’ve heard you’re alone in your house.”

Tony took in a deep breath and shrugged. “It’s not bad. It’s not like I had someone there with me before.”

“It didn’t end up well, though, did it?” Loki asked and glanced back at him, his expression serious now. “I don’t like that, Tony. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“Then why did you let me go home?”

Loki sighed and looked down, staring at one of the steps for a short moment. “You were okay, I had no right to keep you here. I asked Miss Potts if she could find someone that could stay with you, but—“

“That’s stupid and unnecessary,” Tony cut him off with an exasperated tone of voice. “I am coping. I know what to do if I feel bad again, I’m not dumb.”

He frowned when Loki chuckled in response, nodding a few times before he looked up and straight into his brown eyes. “That’s what she said. I had no other choice, but to trust her.”

Tony smiled despite himself, staring back into Loki’s eyes and picking at the hole in his jeans. “You did a good thing. She can be trusted. She knows my insurance number and all of the credit cards numbers, too, and she’s done nothing with them,” he chuckled. “She’s the most trustworthy person I know. Along with you.”

“That’s sad, but at the same time I’m glad to be one of those people to you,” Loki smiled and rested his hand on Tony’s knee, squeezing it gently. “I’m glad you think of me that way.”

Tony stared at the pale hand over his leg and it took him a couple of seconds before he realized what was said. He nodded and glanced at Loki, smiling shyly when he noticed that familiar spark in those deep green eyes.

Loki was so perfect, Tony started doubting if the friendship thing was a good idea at all, because having Loki this close meant fighting with an endless boner from now on and Tony wasn’t sure that he would survive that.

* * *

Loki stared at Tony as he listened to him, and it was taking much of his strength not to do anything more.

Those few days with Tony back in his home, alone again, with just his creations and occasional visits from his friends made Loki more worried than he ever was about anyone else. It was almost a torture, staying in the facility. He was on the verge of walking out and going to Tony’s place himself somehow just to check on him so many times, he was starting to get worried about himself, too.

It was the first time in his human life when he was this worried about anyone. With his other patients it was just this small fright that they might return, or get hurt, but the more time that passed with no news about them or from them, and Loki began erasing them out of his mind. What was the point in remembering hundreds of people he would never see again, anyway?

But Tony was different from the very beginning. Since the first time Loki had seen him inside this place, he knew that this was a man he would remember for a long, long time. And he wasn’t all that wrong, either. Just the impact was much bigger than he had thought.

He wasn’t prepared for anything that had happened between them in the past two months, and it wasn’t all that surprising that deep inside he wanted more. He should have seen that coming, with his past taste in partners; all of the beings he took an interest in were broken in a way, and he never could figure out why he picked them all like that, but he wasn’t complaining.

He sure wasn’t complaining now, not when he had Tony next to himself again, when he could feel and hear and see that he was _fine_. Tony was doing great so far and even though he had been free for just a few days, it was a big achievement. Some people would go back to bad habits and addictions immediately after leaving the facility.

It was clear Tony wasn’t one of them. After his experiences there was no way he would waste the chance to make things right. Loki could see how important it was to him, and he really wanted to help Tony in that.

And if it meant being friends with him, then so be it.

And it would be nothing more, but…

“She’s the most trustworthy person I know. Along with you.”

Loki couldn’t help but blink at that revelation. Of course he knew Tony wouldn’t know many honest people; not when he had such a famous name and so much money in his possession, not to mention the company. Still, it was surprising even for Loki that he was one of two people Tony found so trustworthy. Pepper was the obvious one, but himself? It really was hard to believe.

But that didn’t mean Loki didn’t feel good with it.

“That’s sad, but at the same time I’m glad to be one of those people to you. I’m glad you think of me that way.”

It was really hard not to notice how Tony was reacting to his every move, smile and look. It was hard to ignore that and not to feel delighted by it. It was so fucking hard to control himself, even with so many centuries of practice.

It was unbelievable how much of an impact Tony had had on him and how much he had allowed himself to fall for the man. He was sure that Stark would be more than happy to see his affections were returned, but Loki was close to going back to Asgard, and he couldn’t allow himself to start something here. Not when he had no idea if he would ever return.

“My whole life is a long, sad story, no wonder,” he heard in response, soft chuckle following.

There was no sadness or anger in that, just bitter acceptance and an obvious attempt at not caring about that. Tony was so close to that, to forgiving all the wrongs his father had done to him and his mother; he was ready to leave the past behind, but he wasn’t aware of that yet.

It was Loki’s job to make him realize that, so he could have a normal, happy life, with someone that would really care for him, just like Loki did now. There was a certain someone and he was sure that Tony would end up with her sooner or later. And for some reason he hated the world for ever making that happen, even if it was still in the future yet.

“It doesn’t have to be sad anymore, though,” Loki said and smiled at Tony, squeezing his knee lightly. He hadn’t even realize his hand had ended up there in the first place, but he didn’t want to take it away now. “You’ve got another chance. Not to just make things better. You have a new life. Make it better, happier. Make it how you always wanted it to be.”

Tony blinked at him and stayed quiet for a moment. “But I don’t want the same things tha I had wanted before.”

“I wasn’t talking about that. You make your life. You know what you want now. And even if not, you will soon. You don’t have to decide everything in one day. Take your time. Think and then do.”

The smile that spread across Tony’s lips was the most breathtaking one Loki had ever seen in his life. He was sure he would never forget that and when Tony leaned forward, closer to him, he didn’t pull away.

Stark was staring into his eyes the whole time, that amazing smile still there when Loki stared moving closer himself. He felt the warm calloused hand on his cheek and he leaned into it without thinking, smiling softly.

Their noses were touching; Loki could feel the warm breath on his skin and it felt too good. He would close his eyes long time ago, but Tony was still staring at him and what he saw in the deep brown eyes made the god shiver slightly. He wanted Tony, he wanted him so much, and now there was nothing that could stop him from taking what he wanted.

“Dr. Odinson, you have a—“

Tony pulled away from him quickly and stood up, stepping inside the bovver and as far away as possible.

Loki frowned at that, but didn’t comment and he just turned his head to see Amy, standing there stunned and with her face bright red.

“Yes?” he asked a bit irritated before he shook his head and cleared his throat. “Sorry. What is it, Amy?”

It took her a moment before she gathered herself again and she straightened, head tilted up. “Your next appointment is here. I thought I’d tell you.”

“Ah,” Loki sighed and ran a hand through his hair, wincing slightly. “Tell them I’ll join them in a few minutes. I’ll just walk Mr. Stark out.”

Amy only nodded and walked away quickly, leaving them both alone again.

Loki stood up and dusted himself off slowly, eventually turning around to see that Tony was standing with his back to him. He slowly walked into the bovver but kept his distance, not wanting to make things worse. He noticed how quickly Tony pulled away and even though he knew it was partially his own fault, he still felt hurt.

“Tony? Are you okay?” he asked softly.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I didn’t know our hour was done.”

“Yes, I didn’t realize that myself. It passed too quickly.”

There was no response for a few seconds and Loki was starting to worry that there was something wrong and that he was the one who had fucked it all up. But then Tony turned around and Loki could see him smile, cheeks still a bit pink from the flush that had graced them not so long ago.

“Yeah. It did. Let’s go, I don’t want you in trouble,” Tony said, winking at Loki as he made his way out of the bovver.

Loki followed without a word, hands stuffed in his pockets so he wouldn’t be tempted to take Tony’s as they walked. When he glanced at Tony and saw that he was doing the same thing, his lips spread in a small grin.

Maybe not all was lost. And he still had the invitation.

They said their goodbyes once they reached the front door. Tony smiled at Loki softly while saying “see you tomorrow,” and the hope and pure happiness in his voice was almost too much for Loki.

He watched the genius drive off, and the promise of tomorrow and what it would bring for the both of them was enough to tempt Loki back inside and to deal with everything as fast as possible so he would be able to go to bed.

And maybe then tomorrow would come just a little bit faster.

 


	15. XIV. Sabotage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song for the chapter can be found [here](http://theskyofsunshinea.tumblr.com/disease-of-the-age-playlist).
> 
> We are getting close to the end, though I still don't know how many chapters are left. I hope you'll enjoy this one ;)

Tony was fucking ecstatic.

He didn’t sleep whole night, not to mention that it was the first night since he had gotten back that he did almost nothing productive. Well, he did put together boots for the suit, which were now standing gracefully on the desk back in the lab. But it didn’t take him long, and if it wasn’t for the fact he was laughing out loud every few minutes, he would have done much more.

He just couldn’t stop laughing. He had started the moment Loki left him at the doors of the clinic, and it had scared everyone.

Happy had been watching him all the way back to Malibu, because of this, he had almost caused an accident. Tony just laughed it off with a single wave of his hand and, “No worries, I can buy every car on this street.”

When Pepper saw him at the end of the day, she wasn’t able to form anything more than a “Why?” Tony laughed her off, too, and just shook his head, to which she replied with a grim expression and started searching through his stuff to see if he wasn’t hiding some silly pills from her.

Even that – even the realization Pepper still didn’t trust him entirely – wasn’t enough to stop his good mood. Tony knew there was only one person who could do that, and he was pretty sure they wouldn’t.

Because they had almost fucking kissed.

And Loki didn’t pull away. He stared right into Tony’s eyes, and Tony could see Loki wanted this just as much as he did. It was so obvious it almost hurt Tony to think about that moment. If it wasn’t for the girl that had interrupted them, they would have kissed and Tony would get what he had wanted all along.

He would get Loki.

But it seemed he needed to wait a bit more for their second kiss. He didn’t mind. The first one was so good, he could survive one more day.

Surprising thing was, the upcoming kiss wasn’t the most exciting thing for Tony. He couldn’t wait to see Loki in a tuxedo, all tall and lean, dressed in a fitted, black tux. That mental image was what kept him awake all night. And he did try to fall asleep; the last thing he wanted was to look like a zombie on such an occasion.

Tony rolled in his bed for a couple of hours before he gave up and just went down to the lab. It was where Pepper found him, laughing to himself while he sat in his chair and stared at two iron feet.

“Jesus, Tony,” she said without any greeting, setting her bag on the desk. “You are seriously scaring me.”

Tony turned with his chair and looked up at his friend, grinning like the mental patient he was. “Why is that, Miss Potts? Can’t a guy be happy?” he asked and stood up, walking towards his coffee machine, since the bots were now at their charging stations getting their monthly upgrade.

“Happy? You’re acting like you’re… delirious!” Pepper called after him and rested her hips against the edge of the desk, arms crossed over her chest. “I don’t know what caused this, since I found nothing in your stuff, but—“

“Pep, calm down,” Tony rolled his eyes and grabbed a mug with the SI logo on it before he turned and walked back to his chair. “You really think that after all that has happened, I would go back to drugs? Please, have some faith.”

She sighed and rested both hands on the desk now, watching Tony closely. She was worried again, there was that small wrinkle on her forehead that told Tony she probably wasn’t sleeping herself, and was thinking about him. He felt the guilt crawling into the pit of his stomach and pressed his lips together, brushing his messy hair back with his free hand.

“Tell me what happened then,” Pepper asked, and pulled herself up to sit on the desk. Tony grinned at that, because he couldn’t remember the last time she had done that, especially in her office clothes. “I figured it has something to do with Loki, but I couldn’t come up with anything more.”

Tony’s grin widened, and he shrugged at first, taking a long, slow sip from his mug, as he turned a bit and looked at his work again. “Well, the session went great. He accepted the invite, and we’ll see him today. It’s nice, isn’t it?”

Pepper glared at him, which made him laugh again. He could tell she was already done with him, but at the same time she looked relived. Tony calmed down after a moment and cleared his throat, legs moving up so he could rest his feet on the desk and stretch in his chair comfortably.

“We talked, as usual. And it would have been the usual, but… well, first of all he took me to the bovver.”

Pepper gasped, and her eyes widened. “What? But, I thought that was were…”

“It was,” Tony nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “I was a bit surprised myself, but he’s the one in charge; I didn’t want to be picky,” he chuckled and leaned backwards. “Then he kind of kept close. And he kept touching me. I don’t think he realized he was most of the time. And then…”

“What?” Pepper asked eagerly, absent-mindedly leaning forward, closer to Tony. “What happened?”

Tony swallowed hard and thought about the answer.

He knew all too well how she would react to the truth. It was one thing to talk about friendship the whole time, but the almost-kissing-situation was another. Tony was pretty sure she would at least shriek at him for letting that happen. And he understood her. After the whole talk – the promise he wouldn’t try to do anything more… She had the right to be disappointed with him.

And so what if Loki wanted it, too? It wouldn’t matter to her, most likely. Well, maybe a little bit.

“We almost kissed,” Tony muttered breathlessly and swallowed hard, looking inside his mug.

There was dead silence in whole lab, and Tony could hear the bots whirring quietly on the other end of the room. He was afraid to look up. As far as he was concerned, disappointment was the last thing he wanted to see in Pepper’s eyes, and if looking down was a way to avoid that, he would stick to it.

Pepper moved a long while later, hands moving up as she straightened and, to Tony’s fear, she took those few steps separating them and crouched down gracefully at his side. Her hands grabbed at the armrest so she wouldn’t fall backwards, red painted nails scratching lightly over Tony’s forearm.

She didn’t say anything at first, and it worried Tony, but he still refused to look at his friend.

“Tony?”

Tony swallowed again and took in a deep, quiet breath. “Yeah?”

“Why you won’t look at me?” When there was no answer, Pepper sighed heavily, and Tony could see from the corner of his eye how she looked away. “I’m not gonna scold you; you don’t have to act like this. Tell me what happened exactly.”

“Well, he told me…” Tony focused for a moment, even though he remembered the exact words Loki shad spoken to him before. “That I can decide what my future will look like. And then I just leaned in and… And he did too,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and smiling at the memory despite himself.

He was sure he would never forget Loki’s big bright green eyes staring at him with that small spark. He could feel the cool breath on his face and even now, a small shiver ran down his spine at the memory. Having Loki so close was what he had craved for so long, and when he had finally gotten the opportunity to be close with him when they both wanted it, he remembered every detail.

“Okay, so… what happened? Why you didn’t kiss?” Pepper asked when Tony has been quiet for too long.

The impatience in her voice was so apparent that Tony just had to look at her. It was even easier to see how much she wanted to know everything when he looked in her eyes. There was no disappointment, surprisingly, just a normal kind of curiosity, the same one Tony suspected two best friends shared when one was talking about her last date with that cute jock.

His heart grew a bit in his chest, and he would be damn stupid to feel bad about being the girl who was sharing the details with her best friend. It was too fun, and it simply felt too good to get mad for that fact. Besides, this was much better than avoiding Pepper’s eyes every time she had to clean up Tony’s room after his one-night-stands.

“The girl from the reception showed up to inform him that his next patient was ready for their session,” Tony said, almost pouting at the memory.

He felt so fucking disappointed that they had been interrupted, and he still was now. He just hoped Loki didn’t feel hurt with him running away the moment they had heard the girl. It had nothing to do with the fact he didn’t want the kiss, obviously; he was just scared that this would make Loki’s work harder. He had to ask the man if he had faced any consequences after that.

“Oh, that’s… well,” Pepper said and pressed her lips in a tight line for a moment. Tony was sure she was thinking about the whole situation, but it was a mystery to him what his friend would actually say. “That’s, um, bad, I guess?” she said and wrinkled her nose, looking at Tony with an apologetic half-smile. “I mean, if Loki wanted it, then it had to suck. Was he mad at the girl?”

Tony grinned and pulled a sip from his coffee, taking his time with the reply. “He was a bit, I guess. He snapped at her, but apologized the next second. She seemed scared. I hope she didn’t tell anyone,” he bit down on his bottom lip nervously.

“Don’t worry,” Pepper cooed, rubbing his forearm. “They are probably trained to keep secrets in a facility like that, and even if she wanted to tell anyone… Loki seems to have a good relationship with everyone, I’m sure they’ve sorted things out.”

Tony just smiled at her thankfully, looking away a moment later. He stared at the feet from his suit and thought about the coming night. A lot of things were bound to happen either at the gala or after, Tony could feel that in his bones. He wanted to believe there were only good things set for tonight, but there was something in the pit of his stomach that made him feel slightly uneasy.

Pepper’s continuing chatter only added to the feeling.

 “Obie’s going to be there. I thought you should know,” she murmured, and stood up, going for one of the nearest chairs. “I’ve talked with him yesterday and he said he’ll do everything to be there. He’s constantly at the board meetings lately…”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Are you okay with that?”

Tony set his jaw and took in a deep breath, thinking about his father’s best friend.

Obie did so much for him and the company both. The man was the closest thing Tony had to a father, and of course Tony had trusted him with his life at some point. The thing was, after Afghanistan and rehab, Tony seemed to be seeing things more clearly now. He was more focused and, more importantly, interested in what was going on around him, and what Obie was doing and how he was acting? There was just something off about it.

“Well, why wouldn’t I be?” Tony finally spoke up, turning to face Pepper with a wry smile. “He’s a part of Stark Industries, and an old family friend. It would be weird and suspicious if he wasn’t there.”

Pepper just nodded gently and smiled for a short second, straightening her skirt. “I’ve picked the best suit for you for tonight. It’s lying on your bed, clean and ready. Shoes are next to it, so all you need to do is be fashionably late. Though I would prefer if you came on time,” she said, sending him a look that said he had better be on time.

Tony chuckled and nodded in response, reaching out for the bottle with chlorophyll standing on his desk right next to the empty coffee mug. “Sure thing. I’ll be on time. Let me know if you spot Loki faster than me, though.”

“Yes, boss,” the redhead snorted with amusement and the next thing Tony saw was her back, and the sound of her Prada stilettos filled the room for a short moment.

Tony decided to stay in the lab for another two hours, knowing he should probably tell JARVIS what to do when he was out charming the black-haired doctor. He did exactly that, rolling around in his chair a few times as JARVIS so eloquently commented on his choice of colors for the suit. The legs, arms and chest were set to be done overnight, which left the gloves with repulsors for Tony. Just as with the ones on the feet of the suit, Tony couldn’t trust even his robots with these ones.

As he was making his way upstairs and into his bedroom, he thought of how in a couple of days he would be able to hit the skies in his flying suit. He shivered at the thought of the controlled flight and not just shooting up like a homemade rocket without the added parachute. He still remembered the pain from the fall, and though he was really lucky that he hadn’t died, there was no way he would repeat that.

A couple of hours later Tony was sitting behind the wheel of his silver Audi R8, and the shiver and excitement were still there, though the reason was now very different. Just minutes before he left the mansion, he had gotten a text from Pepper that Loki was already there. She even added a picture of him with a glass of champagne, talking with one of the female guests. Tony gritted his teeth at the women. They were one of the reasons he was now breaking every law to get there.

When he finally reached the venue where the gala was being held, he felt a bit scared about the night. With Loki there, anything could happen really, but it was very unlikely it would be something bad. Obie was a different case altogether, and Tony wondered if it wouldn’t be smarter to cancel his invitation. It was too late now, unfortunately. Especially when he saw the old family friend the moment he stepped on the red carpet.

Every reporter and photographer turned to him the moment he got out of the car, but Tony didn’t pay any attention to them. He wanted to pass Obadiah unnoticed; maybe exchange some greetings, but that was all. He expected too much from this evening to have it ruined by some pointless conversation with his business partner.

All the hopes of sneaking behind Obie’s back were ruined, because the moment the reporter talking to him turned to see who had appeared on the carpet, Obie followed his gaze. He smiled at Tony, and the engineer barely stopped himself from wincing at how fake the smile seemed.

“Tony! Look at you! You look good,” Obie greeted him, and Tony could see the small glance at the reporter before he went in and wrapped an arm around Tony’s shoulders, pulling him away. “Hey, listen, take it slow, all right? I think I got the board right where we want them.”

Tony’s brows furrowed, and he wondered if that ‘we’ included Tony. But there was no way he would discuss this now. Especially not in here, where reporters and paparazzi were just waiting for something to happen. He made a mental note to call Obie tomorrow and have a meeting. He needed to do something about this situation.

“Yeah, great,” he replied and cleared his throat, wriggling himself away. “I’ll see you inside,” he smiled shortly at Obadiah before straightening his suit and walking up the stairs, ignoring people around him calling his name.

The hall looked amazing, as it always did when Pepper was taking care of stuff. The big banner on the wall just behind the bar reminded everyone why they had gathered there, big golden letters on a red background. Tony smiled as he looked around the place one more time and slowly made his way through the crowd and towards the bar.

“Give me a scotch, I'm starving,” he said to the barman and pushed a fifty dollar bill into the small glass standing in between them.

“Mr. Stark?”

Tony looked to his left, noticing a short man in a suit that looked more like he was on the job and hadn’t come here for fun. Tony’s eyebrows cocked up a bit as he eyed the man and reached for his scotch as it was offered to him. “Yeah?”

The man didn’t even blink, and it was what worried Tony the most for some reason. It was creepy.

“Agent Coulson,” the guy introduced himself, and that’s when something clicked in the engineer’s head.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy from the uh—“ he stopped and twisted his mouth a bit as he was unable to remember the name of the man’s organization.

“The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division,” Coulson replied, sounding almost tired that he had had to recite so many words.

Tony smirked and turned, resting back against the counter of the bar. “God, you need a new name for that,” he said, taking a small sip from his glass. It burned down his throat, and he couldn’t say he didn’t like it. He loved it.

“Yeah, I hear that a lot. Listen, I know this must be a trying time for you, but we need to debrief you. There's still a lot of unanswered questions and time can be a factor with these things. Let's just put something on the books. How about the 24th at 7:00pm at Stark Industries?”

Tony had really stopped listening to him after the first seven words, his mind occupied now with something else. Since he had left his phone in the car there was no way he could have texted Pepper and find out where Loki was, and that meant he had to search for the doctor on his own. It didn’t take any time at all, because after a quick look over the crowd. Tony saw the familiar black hair, slicked to the back neatly with the ends slightly curled at the nape of Loki’s neck. Tony smiled to himself and was about to start walking when he remembered he was actually talking with someone.

“Tell you what,” he started without looking at the agent, and that’s when he saw Loki was talking with Pepper. He wanted to say no to the short guy, even if he was from the government, but now he had a different idea. “You got it. You're absolutely right. Well, I'm going to go to my assistant and make that a date,” he deflected, flashing Coulson a quick smile before he downed his glass and set it back onto the bar.

He then made his way towards the two familiar figures, smiling brightly when Loki turned around in time to see him slow down and stop close to them.

“Hi, there.”

“Tony! Finally,” Pepper said and patted his shoulder, her bright red lips stretching in a kind smile. “You’re overdoing the fashionably late thing. Dr. Odinson here couldn’t wait to see you.”

Loki shot her a glare which just made her chuckle, her smile turning into a small smirk.

“Oh, well, I’m sorry I’ve kept you waiting. I was just running from a government agent, actually, so I’m gonna blame the government,” Tony grinned, winking at Loki.

“Who? Agent Coulson?” Pepper asked and looked at the bar where the guy was still standing and watching them now with a stone face. “What did he want?”

“A meeting. I think I agreed on one. 24th, I guess?” Tony wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, I think that’s the date.”

Pepper huffed, which made a curl of her hair fly up for a short moment. “I had better go and make sure. I can’t believe you’re making me work even now.”

“Sorry. His fault,” Tony said with a helpless shrug, turning to Loki who was smiling with amusement. “Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”

Loki looked at him, exasperated, waiting for Pepper to walk away before he spoke up. “It’s nice to hear you so relaxed, that’s all.”

“You think I’m relaxed now?” Tony repeated, and his eyes widened a bit, mind going back to Obadiah probably still standing outside and talking to reporters. “Yeah,” he said, feeling his back tensing for a split second, “I guess I am. But it’s my first public appearance since the rehab so…”

Loki seemed to notice everything, and his eyebrows creased slightly, hand moving to rest on Tony’s forearm gently. He stepped closer, too, and his smell hit Tony’s nostrils, making him almost dizzy. God, how he liked that smell.

“I’m sure you’ll be okay. You’re doing well so far,” Loki hummed and smiled softly, his hand sliding down on Tony’s sleeve about half an inch.

“Uh,” Tony managed to get out, looking up into Loki’s eyes and regretting it in a second. He felt as though his legs were failing him and he was about to fall to the ground, but Loki’s hand seemed to be the only thing holding him upright.

He really shouldn’t have drank that entire scotch at once after such a long break.

Again, Loki seemed to notice everything, and without a word he pulled Tony gently through the crowd and out of the hall. Tony’s eyes were locked on his face, just watching the side of it as they walked. He came back to himself when the cool air hit him, and he blinked a few times, looking around; Loki had led them out on the balcony.

“How romantic. Do you have a plan or anything?” he asked, back to his old self as a bright grin spread across his face.

The doctor just rolled his beautiful green eyes and looked at the city in front of them, still holding Tony’s forearm gently. “I didn’t want people to think I was playing mind games with you,” he explained jokingly, turning his head to face Tony. “And I wanted for us to be alone.”

Tony swallowed, smile turning into a sheepish one. Well, if he had wanted anything out of the night, he was about to get it, for sure. He just needed to play it well, and he was sure he could. He was Tony Stark; he knew that kind of stuff.

“I can’t say I’m complaining,” he said and glanced down at Loki’s hand, wishing it was in his own now. “How do you like it – the gala? Is it okay?”

“It is nice; people are nice. Though, I didn’t talk with many guests, as I was busy looking for you,” he admitted, and even though Tony wasn’t looking at him now, he could hear the smile in Loki’s voice. “It did take you some time to get here. What kept you, if I might ask?”

Tony looked up at him and shrugged, feeling like a teenager on a first date again. He was surprised that was the first thing that came to his mind when he realized his stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies. But then, he couldn’t really explain it any differently.

“Work,” he replied and turned to face the city, stepping closer to Loki at the same time. The wind was blowing perfectly, sending more of Loki’s scent his way, and even though he wasn’t dizzy this time, he still enjoyed it. “I’ve built the boots for the suit, and just in time to start the tests on the repulsors in the bottom parts. The work goes slow, but it’s gonna be worth it.”

“I’m sure of it. Will I be able to see it?”

“If you want to,” Tony said and glanced at him, smiling happily. “You encouraged me to do it, and it would be mean if I didn’t show you,” he chuckled and elbowed Loki lightly.

Loki chuckled with him, the smile on his lips and the look in his eyes showing how happy he really was for Tony. And it just made the engineer’s heart flutter harder in his chest. God, how he wanted to kiss him.

“I can’t wait then,” Loki said then, his hand moving down and taking Tony’s gently.

Tony stopped breathing for a moment, not daring to look down and see for himself if what he felt was real. Loki’s hand was cool, but in a very pleasant way that made Tony imagine how it would feel stroking his chest and back, or gripping at his ass. He shivered at just the thought of it, a quiet whine slipping past his lips when he realized how much he wanted to feel that right now.

Of course, Loki just moved closer to him, licking over his perfect lips as his thumb brushed over Tony’s knuckles. His other hand landed on Tony’s cheek, cupping it as he brought their faces close, noses touching. His touch was gentle; it was almost like he was afraid he would hurt Tony if he applied more pressure.

“You know, we should probably hide,” Tony mumbled, his free hand moving to grip at Loki’s dark green suit and pull him closer.

“I think you’re right,” Loki whispered back, the cool breath hitting Tony’s face.

That was it – that was the moment when all of his will power disappeared. He let go of Loki’s hand and cupped his face in return head tilting to the side a bit and then—

Loki kissed him, his lips moving slowly against Tony’s, but tongue darting out almost immediately. Tony couldn’t help but growl in approval, pressing himself flush against Loki and parting his mouth to let him inside.

Everything about Loki was cool, even his mouth felt a bit cooler than a normal human temperature. But Tony would be damned if he didn’t love it. In fact, he loved everything – every brush of Loki’s lips against his, every touch, every shiver that ran through him when their tongues met again and again. It almost felt like electricity was coursing through his whole body, reacting with Loki’s each touch and causing even more pleasure.

He didn’t want them to part, but soon his lungs ran out of air and he had to break the kiss. He still stayed close to Loki, one hand in his hair, while the other gripped at the suit on his shoulder. He could feel Loki’s hand on the small of his back, holding him in place firmly, but gently.

“Jesus,” Tony breathed and smiled, keeping his eyes closed.

“Are you okay?” Loki asked quietly, and it amazed Tony that he didn’t seem so out of breath as Tony himself was.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said and looked Loki straight in the eyes, smiling even wider. “You have no idea how much and how _long_ —“

“I think I know,” Loki cut him off, his voice as happy as Tony felt.

Tony caught his breath and kissed him again then, slower and softer this time. He savored every second, and Loki seemed to do the same, because there were no tongues involved now. Just sweet brushes of their lip melting together, and Loki’s taste making its way into Tony’s mouth with every move.

They parted again after a long moment, both of them smiling as though it was the best night of their lives. And maybe it wasn’t for Loki, but for Tony? He really couldn’t remember having ever felt this happy. It was even better than the first time Dum-E had started working, and working well. Tony felt like he could fly, with the suit or not, and come back just to take Loki with him.

“We should celebrate,” he grinned, pulling away enough to have a better look at Loki. “What do you want to drink?”

Loki laughed and shook his head shortly, pecking Tony’s lips before he replied. “Whisky, please. And be quick.”

“Yes, sir,” Tony said, untangling himself from Loki, hating the feeling. Yet he knew he’d be back soon, and he wouldn’t leave Loki for long.

Tony walked towards the bar with a wide happy grin, people sending looks his way that told him they all thought he was mental. His hair was probably a mess too, but he really couldn’t give any less fucks about it all know. All that mattered was Loki waiting for him on the balcony. Tony needed to hurry up, he already wanted more of the man.

Tony reached the bar and told the waiter to prepare two glasses of whisky with ice. He rested his elbow on the counter after pushing a one hundred dollar bill in the glass with the tips, looking to his left without any kind of enthusiasm whatsoever. He sighed a moment later, thinking that it was really taking too long to get two drinks done.

He turned to the right in time to see a familiar blonde approaching him, fake smile spreading her lips.

Tony’s eyes went wide, and he turned to his previous position, pretending that he didn’t notice her. Dealing with his previous one-night-stand now, with Loki near-by, wasn’t something he wanted to do tonight. It was very low on the list, in fact.

“Well, Tony Stark.”

Tony swallowed and looked at the blonde, her long black dress leaving a bit too much for the imagination. Even if he wasn’t interested in someone else completely, he wouldn’t even look at her. That didn’t mean she didn’t look nice; she looked lovely, in fact.

“Oh hey,” he returned, looking at the back of the waiter who was obviously busy making drinks for someone else completely.

“Fancy seeing you here,” the girl said, looking at him expectantly.

Tony was doing his best to remember her name, but he couldn’t be sure if he had asked her about it in the first place. They had shared a bed just before he went to Afghanistan, and really, who would remember something that took place such a long time ago? The girl was lucky; Tony remembered her only because she was the last girl he had screwed before that three-month break.

He opened his mouth and looked at her with his eyes opened wide again, praying he said the right name. “Carrie.”

“Christine,” she corrected him even before he was done, her smile turning into a disbelieving smirk.

“That’s right.”

“You have a lot of nerve showing up here tonight,” she said and rested her elbow lightly on the counter. “Can I at least get a reaction from you?”

Tony took a second to reply to that. “Panic. I would say panic is my reaction,” he decided and looked almost pleadingly at the waiter.

“Because I was referring to your company's involvement in this latest atrocity.”

Tony was taken aback by her words, especially since he had no idea what was she talking about. Now he remembered she was also a journalist that had graduated from Brown, perhaps? Yeah, that might have been it.

“Yeah, they just put my name on the invitation, I don't know what to tell you,” he said, hoping that would show her that he really wasn’t interested in a conversation right now, because he really, really wasn’t.

She snorted and shook her head. “I actually almost bought it, hook, line and sinker,” she sneered, opening her purse and looking inside.

Tony was done by this point and had decided it was time for their talk to end. The girl was too annoying and insignificant to him to destroy his perfect mood. “I was out of town for a couple of months, in case you didn't hear,” he snapped, looking at her with a bit of anger.

“Is this what you call accountability?” she asked and handed him a few pictures. “It's a town called Gulmira. Heard of it?”

Tony looked at her at the mention of the familiar name, brows furrowed. Of course he had fucking heard about the town, how could she be so fucking bold about it? He then looked down at the first picture, and his heart almost stopped.

The guy who had been talking to him most of the time while he was in the caves, that black-bearded motherfucker was alive, still terrorizing people. And now he was in Gulmira. The second picture showed more of his people, doing what terrorists usually do with innocent people, but that wasn’t the worst part.

Each picture showed weapons. All of them, every box had a Stark Industries logo on them, and the last picture was only the last nail in the coffin. It showed the Jericho missile, standing there, in their territory.

Blood boiled in him, and if it wasn’t for all these people around, he probably would have freaked out and destroyed the place.

All of Tony’s pain, everything he had done while he was held captive for three months, all of it he did because he didn’t want them to get their dirty hands on his weapons. Especially when he knew what they were able to do. He had almost fucking died, and it turned out it was all for nothing, because obviously the bad guys had somehow managed to get what they wanted.

“When were these taken?” he asked, every muscle in his body now tense.

“Yesterday,” Christine replied, and he could feel her staring at him with disgust.

“I didn’t approve any shipment,” Tony stated quickly, looking up at her and trying not to show how mad he was.

“Well, your company did.”

“Well, I’m not my company,” Tony snapped and took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

Next thing he knew Pepper, was on his side, her small hand resting on his arm as she looked at him and the girl who was now eyeing him closely.

“Is something wrong?” she asked quietly, the slight edge in her voice telling both of them that if there was a need for it, she was ready to call security and have Christine escorted to the entrance.

“Nothing,” Tony said quickly before anyone else could, and looked at Pepper. “Go to Loki and tell him his drink might be a bit late.”

“Tony, what are—“

“Pepper, now,” he cut her off and stepped away, knowing very well what he wanted to do now.

Christine followed him as he made his way towards the main entrance, where Obie still was, standing happily at the foot of the stairs and talking to the reporters about the company he had fucking betrayed. It was fucking unbelievable how a man Tony had known for almost his whole life and whom he considered a friend was now his biggest enemy.

“We need to talk,” Tony said as he ended up on his side, ignoring everything and everyone else around him. There was only one thing that mattered now, and he could really have them all kicked out if they made any trouble.

Obie turned to him and nodded as soon as he saw the look in the engineer’s eyes. He knew there was no point in arguing with Tony now, not if he didn’t want to make a scene and let everyone around know what he had done with the company of his best friend’s son who had decided to co-operate with him. The trust Tony had in that man was unbelievably strong and it took just a few days for it to crumble and turn into hate.

Tony walked up a few stairs, Obie following him, and when their eyes met again, Tony had no doubt, that this close family friend – _ex_ -close family friend – knew exactly what was about to happen.

“Please, do you mind?” Obie called out annoyed, and covered himself with his hand when the flashes of cameras didn’t stop.

“Have you seen these pictures?” Tony asked him, shoving the pictures into Obadiah’s chest. “Huh? What's going on in Gulmira?”

Obie’s first reaction was to grab his arm and push him further up the stairs, where Christine was waiting, with her arms crossed across her chest. He sighed quietly before looking at Tony again. “Tony, Tony. You can't afford to be this naïve,” he tried, not even looking his best friend’s son in the eyes.

That was it, and something snapped inside of Tony. He gritted his teeth, trying to stop himself from screaming. “You know what?” he asked, taking one step up. “I was naive before, when they said, ‘ _Here's the line. We don't cross it. This is how we do business_.’ If we're double-dealing under the table...” he cut himself off, unable to even think about it. “Are we?” he finally asked in a low, sharp whisper.

Obie stared at him for a long moment, and Tony could almost hear it as his brain worked on its highest gears. Another sigh left Obie’s lips after a moment, and his arm flew up, wrapping itself around Tony’s shoulder.

“Let's take a picture, come on,” Obie said and pulled Tony against his side, using his free hand to make sure his suit looked good. “Picture time!” he then called at the photographers and the flashes started popping out everywhere, which would have been troublesome for Tony if it wasn’t for the fact he was long used to it. And so was Obie.

“Tony, who do you think locked you out?” he whispered in Tony’s ear, his eyes locked on the lot in front of them. “I was the one who filed the injunction against you. It was the only way I could protect you.”

Obie patted Tony’s shoulder then and walked away, leaving him in the middle of the stairs. A few photographers followed him, along with the reporters wanting to get a comment from him, but Obie was in no mood for talking anymore.

Tony was much the same. He had been ready for the betrayal, and he really should have seen it all coming, but it was still the worst thing that could have happened to him after Afghanistan. He could feel Christine staring at him, but he was too stunned to do anything else but blink. The flashes were still coming at him from every direction, and it took Happy to come and shoo them all off before he finally was able to move.

“Everything’s okay, Boss?” his bodyguard asked, sending glares at everyone who walked too close.

“Yeah,” Tony managed to get out, his voice a bit hoarse from everything that was now going on inside of him. “I’m— I’m fine, yeah.”

“You sure? Maybe you want to go back?”

Tony shook his head violently and blinked, closing his eyes a moment later.

He could tell himself he knew what Obie was doing, and the fact that he was the one pushing Tony out of the board shouldn’t be such a surprise. Except it was. All of it fell on Tony at once – the double-dealing, the injunction, the betrayal from a man he used to consider the closest thing he had to a father. It was fucking unbelievable that so shortly after he had gathered his shit together for the first time in years, someone so important decided to destroy his world again.

Tony took in a shaky breath and turned on his heel, walking up the stairs. He ignored Happy calling after him and entered the hall, slowly crossing the crowd with his face clear of any emotion. Only his eyes showed how poorly he felt, but no one bothered to look at him, anyway.

He reached the balcony, surprised when he saw Loki still there. He was sure that his therapist would be long gone by now. It was a nice surprise, but it still wasn’t enough to help his situation now.

As soon as Loki saw him, a wide smile spread his lips, and it was the best thing Tony witnessed in months. It was gone after a second, though, because of course Loki noticed that something was wrong. He always looked Tony straight in the eyes.

“Tony. What happened?” he asked softly and walked towards him, taking him gently by the arms and leading him back to the stone bench he had been sitting on just seconds ago. “What is it?”

“I—“ Tony started, and he had to swallow, because his throat suddenly felt tight and his eyes had started to sting.

He winced, mad at himself that he had let Obie get him so badly, and next thing he knew, Loki was holding him close to his chest, cupping his head from the back and swaying them lightly. He said nothing, because he knew – felt – that nothing he could say now would make Tony feel better.

And Tony was really grateful for that when he started sobbing quietly into the front of his suit.

 


	16. XV. This Means War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I apologize for the wait :x
> 
> Life happened.
> 
> Have a nice read and let me know what you think, maybe? ;)

Tony ended up back in his home shortly after the incident with Obadiah. Somehow, Loki and Pepper had managed to get him out of the gala unnoticed, and in no time, Happy had taken them back. During the trip Tony refused to let go of Loki, holding on to the other man’s suit jacket even when Pepper get him to stop so that Loki could go back to his own home. But then Loki offered to stay with Tony as much as he had to and that was enough for everyone.

The Doc helped Tony inside because he was still not over what had happened and could do nothing but blink from time to time. Pepper followed them all the way to Tony’s bedroom and helped with getting the clothes off of him. He only noticed that he was all set up for sleep when his friends left the room. He knew what they were very probably doing, but he didn’t feel the need to ask JARVIS for the feed from their talk.

Obie’s words and the pain of his betrayal were still so alive inside him; Tony was surprised he could think straight. Old Tony would probably drink himself into unconsciousness, and drugs would very probably be involved as well. Who knows, it might have ended with another suicide attempt. What Tony didn’t know yet was how the New Tony would handle something like this.

What wasn’t helping either, was the fact that the weapons he had burned on his way out of the custody, his weapons, were there because of Stane. It was so hard to accept all of it, to accept the fact that the only man he considered to be a father, more so than Howard ever was, was the person who hurt him the most as well. He had no idea how New Tony was supposed to handle something like this.

Tony’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of doors opening again, but he didn’t want to turn around and see who had entered. He was sure it was Pepper. She had probably managed to get Loki back to his apartment in the facility. But then he had to blink a few times in surprise.

Loki walked into his line of sight and took one of the chairs from Tony’s desk. He set it down on the side of the bed and sat down, his tuxedo still on. It looked like he just put it on, all fresh and new, even after Tony crying into it for a good fifteen minutes. Loki hooked one leg over the other, arms crossed over his chest, and he looked at Tony, smiling softly when he noticed he was being watched.

“Miss Potts tried her best, but I thought it would be better if someone stayed with you. I can leave if you want me to, though. Anytime,” he murmured quietly.

Tony shook his head almost immediately and pressed his lips together, the tears filling his eyes again. He closed them tightly and curled up into a ball, doing his best not to start crying again, but it was all he could do now, and really, he couldn’t stop it. Not yet.

The last time he had cried like this was after Maria had died – after both of his parents had died. That was the last time he had cried in his life. Until now.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw Loki kneeling by him on the floor, his brows furrowed with worry. It made Tony feel worse, but at the same time, he felt a bit better. It was nice to have someone to take care of him in such moments, especially if that someone was Loki.

“Thank you,” Tony whispered, afraid to speak louder. His voice was shaky, anyway.

“Don’t thank me, Tony,” Loki replied, and he reached out to brush Tony’s hair back, watching his hand as he did so. “What would you say for a drink, hm?”

The engineer’s eyes widened with surprise and he stared at the other for a while before Loki chuckled. “I just thought one drink won’t be so bad. It might actually help.”

“How?” Tony asked and cleared his throat right after, closing his eyes for a few seconds.

“It takes your mind away from things. And if someone’s drinking with you, it might end up in a nice chat that could help even more.”

Tony let out something akin to chuckle, a short and quiet one, but still, it was something already. He grabbed the corner of his blanket and dried his face, taking in a deep breath before sitting up slowly and looking at Loki again. “Okay.”

Loki smiled and nodded. “Great. I’ll bring us some whiskey, then. Don’t move,” he stood up and walked out quickly, leaving the door open.

Tony watched him the whole time, and as soon as he was left alone, he adjusted the pillows and rested his back against the headboard. He stared at the opposite wall, made only from wood, and suddenly realized it was creepily empty. When he really thought about it, most of his walls were empty, apart from the ones in his workshop and living room, where he usually entertained guests. It was weird, and somehow it made him feel… unwelcome, like he didn’t belong in his own house. It was a really scary thought.

Loki came back rather quickly, which made the thoughts go away again. He was holding two glasses filled with alcohol and the smell hit Tony’s nostrils before the Doc even reached the bed. He smiled lightly and thanked Loki when the glass was handed to him.

“Don’t drink all of it in one gulp, I won’t let you drink any more tonight,” Loki said, sitting down next to him, his suit jacket and vest gone.

Tony just grinned in response and took a small sip, humming at the taste that burned his mouth and throat.

They both stayed quiet for a while, just looking at each other and smiling when their eyes met. Finally, Tony let his head rest on Loki’s shoulder, and he couldn’t think of anything else, so he asked, “Do you think my walls are empty? Like, creepy empty?”

Loki snorted into his drink and looked at Tony, his lips stretched in a grin. “Why do you think they’re ‘creepy’ empty?”

“Well, I don’t know. They just seem… cold. Unwelcome. And creepy,” Tony replied with a shrug.

“Maybe it’s because you don’t spend much time here,” came the reply. “From what I know, and it’s mostly from what you have told me yourself, you spend a lot of time in your workshop. Even when you were spending a night with your date, you usually left right after they fell asleep. And then you went to your workshop. You don’t pay much attention to walls, or in fact the characters, of the places you don’t spend much time in.”

“That’s actually true, oh my God,” Tony hummed, shaking his head a bit. “My workshop walls are covered with plans and blueprints and even a couple of paintings. Jesus, I’ve never thought about it that way. I just— didn’t.”

Loki chuckled and kissed the top of his head. “It’s a normal thing, there’s no need to worry about such triviality.”

Tony looked up at him with a smile, resisting the urge to kiss him. It just didn’t seem right to do this now. He just kept looking at Loki, and Loki stared right back.

They stayed like this for a long moment, not saying anything, not moving, just watching each other. Tony just couldn’t take his eyes away from Loki’s, the green so deep and visible, even in the dark room where the only light was coming through the windows from the moon. He could see the spark that brought to mind mischief, and it just fit Loki so well. Tony couldn’t help but think he was lucky, falling in love with someone like this.

And then Loki jumped with a hiss, looking down at his legs. Tony pulled away almost immediately and followed Loki’s gaze, his eyes widening with surprise.

“Please, tell me I didn’t just do that,” Tony whined, setting his empty glass away quickly.

Somewhere in the middle of staring his hand had started turning and, well, it ended up with Loki’s pants wet in the most inconvenient place.

Loki just chuckled and waved his hand, slowly standing up and making sure he didn’t pull the blankets off of Tony. “It’s fine. I’ll just take them off, and—“ he cut off, pressing his lips together in thought.

He looked so cute with that face on, Tony couldn’t help but grin. He watched him for a second before he took pity over him and spoke up.

“You can take a pair of my sweatpants. I think I have a few that are too long for me, so they should fit you. They’re all in my wardrobe,” he pointed at the sliding doors right next to the entrance to the bathroom. “I’ll wait here and think of an apology.”

Loki looked at him, rolling his eyes a moment later which made Tony just grin wider. He was sure the taller man would say something, too, but Loki just walked off towards the wardrobe and just seconds later he was in the bathroom.

Tony leaned against the headboard again, then, and gently hit his head against the wall. “Seriously,” he muttered to himself and looked at the empty glass, almost longingly. He debated going for the bar and filling it again, but Loki had said he wouldn’t get more of it tonight. And he would listen.

Loki walked out, in dress shirt, bow tie and grey sweats a while later, sitting back on the bed next to Tony.

“Stylish,” he teased, to which Loki just rolled his eyes again and pulled the blanket over Tony’s head. “Hey!”

“You deserved it,” he heard Loki’s reply and when he poked his head out of the blanket he saw him grinning. “It’s your fault I’m dressed like this.”

“But I like it!”

“I’m sure you do.”

Tony laughed and hid his face in the blanket again, stifling the sound coming out of his mouth.

He couldn’t see it, but Loki was watching him, very happy with himself.

“I don’t have my drink,” Tony whined after calming down, pouting as he looked at Loki.

“Again, your fault,” he stated teasingly. “Should have watched your hand.”

“But— But you distracted me,” Tony replied, straightening up. “So it makes it your fault, and you owe me a drink.”

“Do I now?” Loki snorted and leaned closer to Tony. “It’s not my fault you can’t focus enough to hold a glass.”

“Yes. Yes, it is,” Tony said quickly, staring into Loki’s eyes again.

Suddenly, he felt very sleepy, as though he hadn’t had some proper sleep in weeks. He blinked a few times and then yawned, covering his mouth with a hand. “Sorry,” he mumbled after, rubbing at his eyes.

Loki didn’t say anything, just gently made Tony lay down, blankets pulled up to his chin. “Sleep, Tony. You need it,” he murmured quietly, kissing Tony’s forehead.

“Will you stay with me?” Tony asked weakly, already halfway asleep.

He managed to catch a glimpse of Loki nodding with a soft smile before he drifted off into a pleasant and calm darkness.

* * *

In the morning, Tony had only a blissfully empty mind, with no thoughts apart from the ones about the suit in his workshop. But with every breath, every blink and every passing second, the memories from the gala came crawling back to Tony and he couldn’t ignore them even if he tried. He whined in open displeasure and rolled around onto his chest, burying his face in the pillow.

He still wasn’t ready to face the betrayal of Obadiah, and he sure as hell wasn’t ready to wake up just yet.

Then came the smell of freshly brewed coffee, so good that it would lure a bear out of its cave in the middle winter.

Tony slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes and humming in approval at the scent filling his bedroom now. He didn’t care who made it, he just wanted to taste the source, see if it was as good as the teaser.

Tony stood up slowly and made his way out of the bedroom towards the kitchen, yawning so hard that his eyes closed. He stretched himself on the way as well, and as he padded into the right room barefoot and with only boxers and t-shirt on him, he was almost fully awake.

He must’ve still been dreaming, because Loki was standing by the counter, humming a melody known only to him as he prepared the batter for pancakes.

Loki turned the moment he heard the sounds of Tony’s steps and smiled softly, the same smile Tony had seen before he fell asleep. “Ah, you’re awake. And here I thought that I would have it made before you did,” Loki chuckled, grabbing one of the steaming cups and setting it on the island in the middle of the kitchen. “Here, I hope you like it.”

He seemed completely oblivious to how Tony was basically paralyzed from the view, his mind still not awake enough to accept what he was seeing. He stood, glued to the floor for another moment, without even blinking, and he only regained his mobility once the beautiful smell of coffee hit him again. He immediately forgot about everything, and shuffled like a zombie towards the island, sitting down on one of the stools before taking the cup in both of his hands. A low groan slipped past his lips, and he waited a few seconds before taking the first, small sip.

“Oh, God, “ he groaned louder and leaned forward, staring at the mug as though it was his only chance to survive. “You’re staying here forever.”

He could hear Loki snort lightly, and when Tony looked at him again, all he saw was Loki’s back, still in the white dress shirt. Sadly, his tuxedo pants were back in place on his ass.

Tony stayed quiet, just enjoying the view before he got back to his coffee and drank some more, careful not to burn his tongue too much.

It was enough for the unwelcome thoughts to hit again, stronger than before. Tony winced and looked inside his mug, taking in a deep breath as he went through everything in his head. He would need time, time he didn’t really have. He needed to finish the suit so he could take care of the bastards that were using his weapons. And he needed to do something about Obadiah, and do it fast if he wanted the man to stop. Sadly, Tony couldn’t do a lot, not after the board had turned their backs on him because he closed one fucking division.

“Fuckers,” he muttered and took another sip of his drink, setting the mug down harder than he wanted to. His fingers clenched on the ceramic, and an unbelievably strong wave of anger ran through him, almost shaking his whole body.

He would be damned if he backed down from something like this. He was Tony Stark; he could do anything. He had already lost one father, the next one wouldn’t make any difference. He just needed a plan, a good one, and that required lots of thinking and even more coffee. And with the suit almost finished down in the workshop, it meant he would have the time he needed.

“Are you okay?”

Tony almost jumped on his stool, and he turned his head only to see Loki standing at his side, face blank of any emotions, apart from the eyes. It was surprising how fast Tony could notice when Loki was worried.

“I’m… well, it’s been worse,” Tony replied with a shrug and tried to smile. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Loki’s head tilted to the side slightly, and he kept watching Tony before giving a soft nod, as though he was approving. “Just don’t hurt yourself while handling this.”

“Are you worried about me, Doc?” Tony asked teasingly.

“Of course, I am,” came the reply, and Tony blinked, surprised. Knowing it was one thing, but hearing that – getting a confirmation from the other person – it was different, better. “We are far away from being just a doctor and just a patient. And I’m worried about you.”

There weren’t many things that could shut Tony up, but this was one of them. Loki saying such a thing, admitting they were long past a merely professional relationship meant Tony was actually going to get what he wanted, and realizing that made him incredibly happy. It made all the bad thoughts go away, and his head was full of Loki instead. He smiled brightly at the other man, and nodded, not knowing what else to do.

“Still not very good with feelings, hm?” Loki teased as he smiled softly, walking towards Tony just to kiss the corner of his lips. He set the full plate of pancakes in front of Tony at the same time. “Eat now. You’ll need strength for what you’re planning. Whatever that is.”

Tony grinned, and he didn’t mind that Loki was taking care of him like this; he actually enjoyed it.

“Thanks, babe,” he cooed and took the first bite of his food, groaning in approval. “Oh God, do you have any idea when I last ate pancakes this good?”

Loki chuckled and shook his head, going back to the pan where he was preparing a portion for himself. “No. When?”

“When my mom was alive,” Tony said, and there was a light sting somewhere close to the reactor, but he was used to that, especially the last couple of months, when he had remembered and talked about her so often. “She made the best pancakes, and I was sure no one could make them as well.”

Loki just looked at Tony over his shoulder and sent him a bright smile, looking back at the pan seconds later.

They stayed silent for the rest of their breakfast, just eating and smiling at each other whenever they caught the other staring.

Tony had never had a morning after with anyone, not even Pepper. And today with Loki, it wasn’t even _the_ morning after, but it felt so much better than anything Tony had experienced so far, even though he wasn’t sure if Loki had slept through the night. It still felt so good to wake up and have someone else in the house, and not just because they would make him breakfast. It felt good to have someone this close.

“Do you think you could- I don’t know,” Tony started, staring into his empty plate, “stay here? For a couple of days?” he finished, his voice showing how unsure he was.

He heard Loki sigh quietly, and could see him place his fork down before reaching out and taking Tony’s hand. He entwined their fingers together, squeezing Tony’s hand before speaking up. “I’d love that, Tony. But I have meetings with my patients today. I’m sorry.”

Loki did sound genuinely disappointed that he had to go, but it didn’t make things better for Tony. He swore at himself in his mind, and tried to smile.

“It’s okay,” he said with a shrug and swallowed hard. “It’s just— I don’t know. I just like when you’re here…”

Loki’s free hand grabbed his chin gently and made him look up, straight into Loki’s green eyes. His lips were spread in a soft smile again, face showing only happiness.

“I can come back tonight if you want me to,” he murmured, thumb running over Tony’s goatee.

“Well…” Tony smiled a bit, but then it faded. “I’ll be working tonight. And tomorrow, too. And the day after tomorrow as well, probably.”

He sighed and noticed a small frown on Loki’s face. The doctor didn’t say anything, although he surely didn’t like what he had heard. But the expression was gone in a matter of seconds, and Tony’s eyes fluttered shut when he felt Loki’s lips on his own.

The kiss was short and soft, making Tony’s stomach jump. He smiled into it, and stared at Loki happily when they parted.

“I’ll be here in two days, then,” Loki hummed, pecking Tony’s lips again. “Sadly, I need to go now. But I’ll call you after I’m done with the meetings,” he promised and before Tony could say anything, he was gone.

The sound of the door closing followed soon after, and Tony sighed, grinning dreamily as he looked at the window.

* * *

The next couple of the days were some of the busiest. He lost track of time completely, and if it wasn’t for the calls from Loki and Pepper at the right times to remind about food and sleep, he would probably have spent more than forty eight hours on his legs in the lab.

Even though JARVIS was helping him with lots of the stuff, Tony did most of the work himself. He loved the feeling of sweat and grease on his skin when he worked. He loved when his brain was almost going into overdrive, thinking about everything the suit would be able to do once it was finished.

At the end of the second day, it was done, and Tony stepped away just to look at his newest creation. He didn’t mind all the bruises from the flying tests he had done. He didn’t mind the scratches he had received while testing the repulsors. He forgot about everything once he laid his eyes on the armor.

“Sweet,” he murmured with a wide grin and walked around, looking over every bit of it to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything. “JARVIS, tests.”

“ _The suit is fully compatible with my systems, Sir. There seem to be no defects in the wiring. Well done, Sir_. _However, in order to do a full analysis, the suit would need to be in flight_.”

Tony laughed out loud and stopped in front of the metal armor, staring up and right into the face plate. “Let’s do this, then,” he said, throwing the dirty cloth away. “Get it on me, JARV.”

“ _Sir, I’m not sure that is the best idea. There are still terabytes of data and calculations needed before a human flight is —“_

“JARVIS, don’t ruin the fun, please,” Tony whined. “Get the suit on me. Sometimes you got to run before you can walk.”

Tony stepped into the right spot, feeling his whole body almost shaking with the adrenaline rush. He was already feeling giddy, a wide grin spread on his lips. It was like he was a child again, and about to get the newest and best toy ever. And it wasn’t all that different, considering the suit was the best invention Tony had yet built. It was just that no one knew about it yet.

The suit started assembling slowly around Tony, the bots watching sadly as the specially built robotic arms did the job. For machines, they were strangely gentle and careful. It was just the sounds of metal closing around Tony’s limbs and chest that made things a bit less exciting. He suddenly disliked the idea of being closed in a can.

Still, he knew it was what needed to be done, and with JARVIS in the HUD with him, it couldn’t be all that wrong. Once the faceplate fell in place, he took in a deep breath and opened his eyes, not having realized that he had closed them in the meantime. He looked at the bright blue data in front of his face, reading all of the information his AI had prepared for him.

“Okay. Ready?” he asked, stepping closer to the tunnel out of the workshop. “In three, two, one.”

He could feel himself rising up in the air, and he thought it was a genius thing to do, testing the boots before he finished the whole suit. After the trials, he knew how to place his legs and hands in the air to keep himself upright, and he more or less knew how to move to change his position.

He leaned forward, hands staying in the same position, and he added a bit more power to the repulsors in his boots, grinning as he flew forward. He gasped just moments later when he turned at the last moment, just scratching the wall instead of crashing into it.

He started screaming even before he left the tunnel, childish grin back on his face.

Tony was freaking ecstatic. It felt so good to have his own invention work so perfectly, especially when he was the one testing it. He knew that if something went wrong he could die, but he trusted JARVIS and his own skills, so there was no way something could go wrong. It just couldn’t happen.

Tony flew up and up, breathing a bit heavier as all the adrenaline rushed through his veins. His eyes were wide open, as though he was unable to believe it was going this well. He spun around and flew forward, not caring if someone might see him, especially with his suit still being raw silver.

“Handles like a dream,” he said proudly and kept going, staring at the horizon in front of him.

Tony spent a few minutes just flying around the shore and the nearest neighborhood. It just felt so amazing to have his own armor that would not only protect him, but others as well. And he could fucking fly, that was something big.

“Alright, let’s see what this thing can do,” he said after a while and shot directly for the sky. “What’s SR-71’s record?”

“ _The altitude record for fixed wing flight is eighty five thousand feet, Sir._ ”

“Records are made to be broken! Come on!”

Tony looked at the sky, not changing his course at all. He knew he could do it. He wasn’t Tony Stark if his suit couldn’t break the record. He was about to reach that point now, and go even further. He was sure of it.

“ _Sir, there is a potentially fatal buildup of ice occurring_.”

“Keep going!” Tony called and took in a deep breath, eyes locked on the stars. “Higher!”

There was no response from JARVIS, and suddenly Tony felt something blowing in his boot. The HUD went off as well, and as he flew up as much as he could with the power off, he started falling down, the velocity rising with every second.

“We iced up, JARVIS!” Tony said loudly, hoping the connection was still intact, no matter the lack of anything in his HUD. “Deploy flaps! JARVIS!”

There was still no response, and Tony was starting to freak out. What if he had messed up too bad this time? Again? What if he— No, there was no way he would die now. He had escaped Afghanistan and survived rehab, _he was not going to die now_.

“Come on, we;ve got to break the ice!” he said more to himself and reached for the little handle hidden on his hip. He broke the ice on it and pulled out, pulling some more to get the flaps to open. He succeeded, and a moment later, the repulsors were back on as well as the HUD, and he could fly freely again.

Tony let out a happy roar, flying back to his mansion, again ecstatic about his success. He picked the balcony on the top floor, wanting nothing else but to have a glass of scotch in celebration. But he forgot about the weight of his suit.

“Kill power,” he said as he was a few inches above the floor.

His suit went completely off, and he started falling again, breaking through every floor until he finally landed on one of the old-school cars in his workshop-slash-garage. He took in a deep breath as the air had been knocked out of him just seconds before. DUM-E was close, though, and he sprayed Tony with a fire extinguisher, much to his own pleasure.

“Tony?”

The man blinked then and slowly lifted his head up, just to see Loki in the doorway, his eyes wide with fear and shock.

“L-Loki? What—“

“ _I let Dr. Odinson in, Sir_ ,” came JARVIS’s voice. “ _I did remember he said he was coming. I decided to treat that as an important meeting._ ”

Tony sighed and let his head fall down again, a low groan slipping past his lips. “Can you help me get up?”

Loki almost ran towards him, taking his arm and lifting him up with almost no problem. Tony didn’t notice it, though, because he was too busy trying not to feel guilty about scaring Loki like that. They walked towards the waiting robotic arms and every piece of the suit was very slowly removed from Tony’s body. The procedure was more problematic than putting the suit on, but it was the only thing that Tony needed to work on. Well, apart from the icing problem and the colors.

“JARVIS, note everything down. And we need some nice colors for the suit, too.”

“ _Yes, Sir._ ”

“Are you mad?” Loki said as soon as the last piece of the armor was removed and Tony could stand and walk freely. “What was that?”

“Just a few small holes in the ceilings,” Tony shrugged and smiled at Loki. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Nothing?!” Loki replied nervously and lifted Tony’s shirt, watching him from every side and angle. “You could have gotten hurt! And you did! You have bruises on your back already!”

Tony sighed and turned around, pulling his shirt down and looking at Loki seriously. “It’s nothing I haven’t handled before. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing, baby.”

Loki snorted and shook his head, wrapping his arms around Tony and pulling him into a tight hug. Only then did Tony feel how much his back really hurt, but he didn’t let out a sound, not wanting Loki to think he was right. He didn’t want the man to worry even more.

“Don’t do this again,” Loki whispered and kissed his neck. “I watched you flying on my way here. Don’t fly so high up again.”

Tony blinked and pulled away, smiling brightly at Loki.

“You saw me? Really?” When Loki nodded in response, Tony’s grin only widened. “I was awesome, wasn’t I? It was amazing! I was flying!” he said excitedly and lifted his hands up. “Can you imagine that? It felt so good! And don’t you worry about me, JARVIS is taking care of me when I’m in the suit, there is no—“

He was cut off with a kiss, Loki’s lips so pleasurably cool against his that he couldn’t help himself but kiss back. He pressed himself close to the other as well, and wrapped his arms around that long neck, humming in approval at the closeness.

He could spend days like this.

“Mmm… no, don’t pull away,” he mumbled when Loki broke the kiss, and he leaned forward, but then Loki leaned back some more. “Hey.”

“First promise me you will take better care of yourself while in the suit,” Loki demanded in a soft voice. “I won’t ban you from it, but you need to be more careful. It’s dangerous.”

 “Killjoy,” Tony muttered under his breath, but when he looked at Loki, all of his arguments were gone. He just never wanted to make Loki worry about him again. “Fine,” he sighed and looked down again. “I’ll take better care of myself. And have JARVIS do it, too.”

“Good,” he heard Loki say, and it was followed by another kiss, more gentle and sweet than the last one.

Tony groaned quietly into it, arms tightening lightly around Loki’s neck again as he kissed back. He could feel every swipe of Loki’s tongue on his lips, every little breath he took and let out as they were still locked in a kiss. He didn’t want to pull away from it; he wanted to stay like this forever, so close to Loki and his pleasantly cool body. And he felt like with Loki, all of it was possible.

“I love you,” Tony mumbled into the kiss without even thinking about it. It reached him just a split second later, and he froze, eyes opening widely in shock.

He stepped away, still unnaturally stiff. He stared at Loki, who looked less shocked, though it was still there. Tony could see it in those green eyes. Loki hadn’t seen it coming, either.

Oh, God, what had he done? He hadn’t wanted to say it now.

Later. Later was a better idea, and he would do it at a nice romantic dinner in the best restaurant. In Paris, obviously.

Why had he said it now?!

“I—“

“I—“ Loki started at the same time, but they both stopped, staring at each other. “You speak first,” he said after a long, awkward moment.

“No, you say what you were about to say first,” Tony muttered quickly, swallowing down the enormous lump in his throat.

“I—“ Loki started again and shook his head, taking in a deep breath before he looked at Tony again. “I feel the same about you,” he said softly, taking a small step forward.

Tony blinked, and his eyes went even wider in shock, if it was still possible. He shook his head in disbelief and blinked again, pinching himself in the forearm.

Loki just chuckled and moved close to Tony again, cupping his face. “I mean it,” he murmured and looked Tony straight in the eyes. “I love you, Tony.”

“Wha— You do?”

Loki nodded and smiled softly, thumbs moving over Tony’s cheekbones. “Did you mean it, then? What you said to me?”

It didn’t take long for Tony to reply, though it was probably longer than a normal person would need. He smiled back at Loki and nodded, hugging him close.

“I did. I love you, Loki.”

* * *

Loki really couldn’t remember when he had last been this happy.

Maybe it was when each of his kids had been born. Maybe it was when Sygin had shown up in his life. Maybe it was when he had been adopted by the Midgardian family.

But the more he thought about it all, the more he was sure each one of these moments were nothing (well, maybe apart from the births of his children) compared to this moment here.

Loki admitted it to himself, right there and then, that he loved the emotional swings that came with loving Tony. First worry, than fear, had led to a moment like this. It was perfect to him and he wouldn’t dream it to be any other way.

Everything just got better when Tony said the words again, and Loki felt an unbelievably strong wave of happiness and love washing through him. He felt hot; he felt like his chest was going to explode, and he was sure he was red all over, but he didn’t care. Not when Tony said he loved him.

He forgot where they were, what had happened just seconds before and why was he mad at Tony in the first place. All that mattered now was that Loki was loved, and he loved back.

He grinned happily, his lips spreading so wide his cheeks started to hurt, but he didn’t care. He just wanted Tony to know how happy he was with him, and how much he loved him, too. That’s all Loki needed, so he cupped the man’s face and kissed him again, going sweet and slow this time.

He ran the tip of his tongue over Tony’s lips first, letting out a soft hum before he slipped it in and licked over the inner side of his lips. He could feel Tony relax and tense at the same time, obviously expecting more. Loki almost chuckled at that, but knew there were better things to do now. He pulled Tony close and deepened the kiss, teasing his tongue with his own. A small whine could be heard from Tony, and the next thing Loki knew, he was pressed against one of the desks, and Stark was pushing his tongue into his mouth.

Loki was more than eager to accept it, and he wrapped his own muscle around Tony’s, moving it slowly. His hands landed on Tony’s hips, and he pulled him closer, fingertips slipping under the hem of Stark’s undershirt.

“I love you,” Tony mumbled into his mouth again as he broke the kiss.

Loki smiled and kept his eyes closed, leaning his forehead against Tony’s. “I love you,” he murmured back and kept the man close, hands resting on the small of his back. “Like I have never loved anyone before…”

He was surprised he had admitted that in front of someone else, but he didn’t care anymore. He was in love, he was loved back and he was happy. How could he feel ashamed of admitting something like that in front of Tony? No matter how many years it had taken him to find someone like the engineer.

“I know,” Tony whispered before pecking his lips softly, and Loki could feel him smile. “I’ve never loved anyone like this before. No one.”

 


	17. XVI. Iron Man

Tony whined, frowning and squirming at the bright light shining right in his face. He didn’t even try to open his eyes, knowing it would just make things worse.

“JARVIS. Lights,” he mumbled sleepily, a sigh following when the light was cut out and he could relax again.

Then he felt strong, slim arms wrap a bit tighter around his waist. He froze at first, a wave of fear and confusion washing through him as he tried to make his sleepy recall last night. What if he got drunk again? Or worse, he took drugs? How could he look anyone in the eyes after that?

But as soon as he remembered yesterday, the first flight and Loki waiting in the workshop, he calmed down. And knew whose arms were now around him. Loki purred in his sleep and nuzzled his face in between Tony’s shoulder blades, making the man almost giggle. He wanted to turn around, to see how Loki looked like while sleeping. Was he calm, or maybe smiling? Or maybe he had nightmares and his face twisted unpleasantly?

Still, Tony didn’t dare move. He didn’t want to wake Loki, since it sounded like he was having nice dreams. Tony couldn’t fall asleep himself, though, so he turned to the memories of yesterday, grinning at all of the things they had done once they had finished in the workshop and moved up to the bedroom. He just hoped JARVIS had taken care of Dum-E and U and they hadn’t seen anything; it would take a while to find the right lines of code and erase the memory of Tony bent over one of the desks, Loki right behind him.

Speaking of which, Tony was sore. Damn sore. He couldn’t remember the last time he let someone be on top and the aftermath felt worse than he imagined. Not that he regretted it – or the time he made love with Loki in this bed soon after – but it was a pain he didn’t think he could take for much longer. He needed a painkiller or ice in between his ass cheeks. Anything really.

“Tony?” Loki mumbled into his back, and Tony could feel him frowning.

“Y-yeah?” Tony asked back, clearing his throat right after.

“Why are you squirming so much?”

“What?” Tony breathed out and then realized he was moving in discomfort. He whined and stopped, sighing heavily. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

Loki pulled up a bit, and rested his chin on Tony’s shoulder. He was sleepy, that’s for sure, but still looked breathtaking. His black hair was messy, but in a sexy way. Green eyes were half open, and so were his lips, bright red and still swollen from yesterday. They were quirked in a small, soft smile even though it was obvious he was worried about Tony. The way his eyes were narrowed and brows furrowed, just a small bit; but Tony could see it, he knew him well enough by now.

“Are you well?” he asked, voice so heavily accented that it took Tony a moment to register it was actually Loki.

“Uh, yeah,” Tony breathed out, managing a wide smile. “Just a bit sore. You know, it’s been a long while since I’ve had anyone in me. And they still weren’t as big as you.”

Loki just rolled his eyes at the smaller man and kissed his shoulder, moving down his arm. Loki left soft, wet kisses in his wake, goose bumps rising to Tony’s skin at every touch of his soft lips. Tony’s eyes fluttered shut the moment he felt those lips on his hips and a soft mewl slipped past his own.

It felt so good to have someone being so delicate with his body. Tony felt almost like Loki was worshipping him, but he wasn’t complaining; he needed it.

“You’re tense,” Loki hummed against his thigh –in british again – and rubbed small circles into Tony’s lower back with his one hand. “Does it hurt that bad?”

“A-a b-bit,” Tony admitted weakly, slowly relaxing into the affectionate touch. “Keep going. That’s helping.”

Loki chuckled and kept going, leaving a soft kiss on every inch of Tony’s skin.

Tony started purring in approval – something he had never done before – and it just spurred Loki on, long fingers kneading at the worst tension as his lips took care of the rest. Tony was left lying flat on his stomach, Loki lying on his side next to Tony and kissing his lower back affectionately.

“God, you’re so good,” Tony whined, half of his face buried in the pillow. His eyes were still shut as he voiced his pleasure. “Better than any massage I’ve had in my life.”

Loki chuckled again and ran his hand up Tony’s side then back down, resting it on his butt. “Well, I am doing my best.”

Loki was still speaking in his accent, which was not like him. Tony would give it much more thought if it wasn’t for how relaxed he was right now. He put it off for later, when Loki wasn’t here, distracting him with his hands and tongue…

“A-ah,” Tony gasped when he felt the wet tip moving over his thigh, dangerously close to his ass. “What—?”

“Shh,” Loki purred. He nipped at the tanned skin, licking the spot after.

He then licked his way to Tony’s ass, leaving a wet, loud kiss on each cheek before he gently spread them open. It hurt at first, and Tony hissed, squirming a bit. But then  Loki was licking over the sore and delicate rim of muscles, teasing it with the tip of his tongue only to press the whole muscle flat against it and rub slowly. Tony moaned, gasping and gripping lightly at the pillow, toes curling,

“L-loki—“ left his lips before he moaned again, Loki’s tongue sending a wave of pleasure up his spine.

Tony’s back arched, and he closed his eyes a bit tighter, face twisting with pleasure. His rim was so sensitive after yesterday. Loki seemed to be very aware of that himself and had obviously decided to drive Tony crazy.

Tony grew hard almost immediately. His cock was almost hurting, pressed against the mattress, because Tony didn’t dare moving when Loki’s tongue was giving him so much pleasure.

But then Loki gripped his hips and lifted them up, making Tony move his legs and kneel, while his chest was still on the bed. Then the slim and gentle fingers wrapped around his dick and he moaned louder than before.

“Oh, fuck…”

Loki rubbed his rim a bit harder, just as the hand started moving up and down Tony’s length. He squirmed, moaning again and bucking his hips into the hand, trying at the same time to get more tongue in his ass. Loki seemed to read his mind because soon Tony felt the tip pushing past the relaxed now muscles. He whined, eyes opening widely.

“Loki, fuck,” he breathed out, turning his head to catch at least a glance of him.

Loki looked like he was having the time of his life. His eyes were closed and from what Tony could see of his face, he was loving every second, much like Tony was. It was a bit weird; he liked seeing how he drove people crazy himself, but it was fueled mostly by his ego, while it didn’t seem to be the same for Loki. Especially because he kept his eyes closed. Loki just _loved_ that.

It made Tony shudder, and he moaned Loki’s name loudly to make sure the man heard how much he loved it himself. Loki’s hand picked up its pace then, and his tongue pushed farther inside, making Tony’s moans that much louder.

He wanted it to last forever even though his orgasm was coming and coming fast. Loki had barely pulled his tongue out when Tony felt on edge. Then Loki pushed his tongue back in, and Tony was so close he started whining, hips bucking erratically at the same time. A few strokes and licks later and he was coming, squirting onto the sheets and moaning out Loki’s name like a mantra.

Loki kept going long after Tony was done, as though he wanted to make sure he gave Tony everything. Only then did he pull away and lie down next to him, his face right in front of Tony’s.

“You can lower your hips now,” he joked, kissing Tony’s nose.

“I can’t,” Tony pouted. “I’ll get dirty.”

Loki laughed and brushed through his long hair gently before he pulled himself up. He stretched while standing with his back to Tony, giving Tony the opportunity to admire the most perfect ass he had ever seen in his life. Then he walked around the bed to Tony’s other side and gently picked him up. Tony gasped and clung to him as soon as he was close enough, staring at him in shock.

“What was that?”

“I didn’t want you to get dirtier,” Loki grinned as he pecked Tony’s lips. “Now, shower or bathtub?”

Tony stared at him for a short moment, but Loki’s smile distracted him soon enough and he shrugged. “I don’t care. As long as I get to repay,” he winked and leaned up to kiss Loki slowly.

* * *

It was late in the afternoon when Pepper waltzed into the mansion with a stack of papers under her arm. She was greeted by Tony and Loki sitting on the couch and giggling as one tried to tickle the other.

“So cute,” she teased, pushing her lips forward a bit in a playful smirk. “JARVIS, I hope you are recording that.”

“As always, Miss Potts,” the AI replied, sounding almost proud of itself.

Tony just muttered something under his breath that sounded like “traitors” and reached for the glass of juice that was on the coffee table in front of him. Loki was watching him with a soft expression on his face, nodding at Pepper when he gave her a quick welcoming smile.

“What do you have for me now?” Tony asked, eyeing the papers she had put on the table.

“Some more stuff about disassembling Stark Industries,” she said and sat down, crossing her legs. “I tried to find anything on Obie, but nothing so far, sadly.” She sounded a bit exhausted. “I also gathered all the info I could about the last board meeting.”

“And?” Tony asked, looking at her expectantly.

“It’s— there’s really nothing you can legally do,” she sighed, and Tony swore. Loki’s reaction was immediate, and he gently grabbed Tony’s shoulder, thumb rubbing small circles into the nape of his neck. “Obie did everything in agreement with the law and until the board says otherwise…”

“I’m out,” Tony finished and rubbed his face, leaning back into the couch. “And I will, since they’re pissed I cut their profits along with closing our weapons manufactures. That’s just fucking great.”

“What about a trial?” Loki asked softly, glancing at Pepper.

She just shrugged helplessly and shook her head. “As I said, everything was done properly, so there isn’t a judge that would bring Tony back. Not now,” she winced and took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Tony.”

“It’s okay,” he waved his hand, trying to smile. “It’s my fault. I should have been more careful with my trust.”

“Then you would be paranoid,” Loki stated as he took Tony’s hand and squeezed it gently. “And it wouldn’t help you at all.”

“Agreed,” hummed Pepper, and she was immediately back on her feet. “Right, so if that’s all, I need to go—“

“No, wait,” Tony said quickly and stood up himself, winking at Loki before he let go of his hand. “I need to ask you one more thing. But it’s in the lab.” He moved towards the stairs, limping a bit.

Pepper frowned at first and was about to ask why when she looked at Loki. He only grinned in response and, she did the same, rolling her eyes as she followed Tony.

“Rough night?” she asked.

“Hm?”

“Well, I see Loki gave you a rough night,” she teased and watched as Tony entered his code and the door opened for them.

“Ha ha,” was his response, and he sent her a soft glare over his shoulder. “It wasn’t.”

He reached one of the desks and started going through all the stuff around it, as Pepper kept going.

“I never thought about you as a bottom kind of guy.”

Tony whined from under the desk, moving some of the blueprints in his searching. “I’m not. It’s just with Loki and this one time.”

Pepper laughed and walked closer, sitting down on the edge on the desk.  The bots watched them both from their charging stations, their claws tilted curiously.

“You both look happy. Are you sure he won’t have any trouble at work?”

“To be honest, I’m not,” Tony admitted and glanced up at Pepper. “It was heat of the moment kind of thing. I had my first flight in the suit yesterday and he was here when I came back, all worried and—“

“You were _flying_?” Pepper asked, shocked. “ _In the suit_?”

“Yeah,” Tony grinned widely, obviously pleased with himself. “And it was amazing.”

“What were you thinking?” she almost shrieked, leaning forward and staring at him horrified. “You could have died!”

“That was Loki’s reaction, too,” Tony whined and came back to searching. “As you see, I’m well and sore from dick up my ass and not the flight, so don’t you worry. Besides, have faith in me. It’s my invention; there was no way I could have died in it.”

Pepper huffed, obviously not pleased at Tony’s words. She sat straight, her arms crossed on her chest. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Thanks!”

She huffed again, but was distracted as Dum-E rolled from his charging station and towards her. She gave him a small smile, still not used to Tony’s machines acting sometimes like… not machines. Dum-E’s claw moved up a bit and he gave a soft whir before he started searching for something in the blueprints on Tony’s desk. It didn’t take long until he pulled a small device that looked like a USB Drive and offered it to the red head.

“Um… Tony?”

Tony’s head popped from under the desk immediately, hair messy as he hit himself on the counter on his way up. “Yeah?” he panted, rubbing the sore spot.

Pepper pointed to Dum-E, and Tony looked at his bot, eyes brightening as he saw what it was holding. “Good boy, Dum-Dum!” he cooed as he stood up, taking the device from the robot. “That’s what I was looking for.”

“Is this what I think it is?” Pepper asked as Tony patted the bot in reward and sent him back.

“It’s a USB Drive, yeah,” Tony said, looking at her. “I need you to go to my office in the HQ and copy all the data. Even the locked and coded stuff. I’m sure Obadiah is hiding his illegal deals in there somewhere, I just need proof.”

“And since you don’t have a reason to visit…”

“I would look a bit suspicious, yeah. Especially since I haven’t been in my office for at least a year or two,” he shrugged and whiped his hands on a rag. “You, on the other hand, wouldn’t be so conspicuous.”

Pepper nodded and took the drive from Tony, looking it over. “Is it safe?”

“It is,” Tony nodded at her with a smile. “Just plug it in and copy everything. No one should notice. I know it’s too much to ask, but you’re the only one I can trust with this.”

She just shook her head and gave a small smile in return, looking at him and hiding the drive in her purse.

“It’s fine, really. You’ll just need to wait a bit because I won’t be at HQ until next week.”

Tony waved his hand and walked around the desk, going with her to the exit and up the stairs. They said their goodbyes the and he sat back with Loki, leaning into the man. They settled down, and Tony had JARVIS lower a big screen from the ceiling to play the very first “ _Star Wars_ ” movie. Loki had somehow never seen that, which amazed Tony to no end.

They watched – well, Loki did, and Tony started thinking about all the upgrades the suit needed. He thought that adding them and then painting the suit wouldn’t take more than three or four days, and then he would be ready if anything popped up on the radar and he needed to intervene. He really wanted to be ready for every possibility, even for a fight.

He ended up running to the workshop in the middle of the movie, waving off the concern in Loki’s voice as the doctor called after him. Tony wouldn’t be able to focus now, he needed to work, have his hands busy.

Loki followed him, which wasn’t all that surprising. Loki slipped in before the glass doors closed after Tony and he followed him to the desk, where he stopped and looked at him. “What is it?”

Tony looked at him and smiled apologetically, but not convincing enough for Loki to believe.

“I need to work, sorry.””

Loki let out a heavy sigh and walked to one of the cars, sitting inside it. “JARVIS, could you play the movie here?”

“ _Of course, Sir_ ,” the AI replied, using one of the screens Tony usually used for work to resume the movie exactly where it had stopped upstairs.

“It’ll be loud here,” Tony warned as he pulled on his work gloves.

Loki just waved his hand, and Tony could see him rolling his eyes which made him chuckle. It was an agreement, though, and soon Tony was up and running, typing in all the upgrades and taking care of the little dents in the suit. He decided to make a new one in the middle of upgrading, using better materials, ones that wouldn’t freeze the suit in case Tony decided to fly high again.

That meant another day or two of work for him, but he didn’t mind; in fact, he was pretty excited about it. Loki not so much, as it turned out.

“A week,” Loki repeated and looked at Tony, face blank.

“Yeah,” Tony nodded, frowning when he couldn’t read Loki’s face. “You know, I’m building a new suit and all. I need to add some of the upgrades myself, and it’ll just take some time for me.”

“Are you sure you’re not overworking yourself?”

“With you around?” Tony grinned widely. “Not gonna happen.”

Loki just snorted and glared at him for a moment before cupping his face and giving him a soft kiss. “Fine. I’ll stop by every day to check on you,” he promised.

Tony grinned even wider and nodded, kissing him again, a bit harder than before.

Loki left soon after, mentioning some of his patients and how he needed to have a session with them. Tony listened, curious if it was someone from his old group. He didn’t recognize any of the names, though and as soon as JARVIS told Tony that Loki was gone, he started working.

He gathered all of the tools and studied the blueprints while waiting for the delivery of the necessary materials. Thanks to his AI’s “connections”, he didn’t have to wait long and as soon as Dum-E and U helped him unpack everything, he started putting the pieces together.

Tony felt like his muscles were on fire, but in a good way. He felt alive when he screwed and soldered the pieces together, when he watched the pieces coming together and starting to take the shapes of boots, legs and chest, then hands, gloves and a helmet. Tony kept smiling happily the whole time, even though he wasn’t aware of it. Even when he hit or cut himself, a curse slipping past his lips, he felt happy and full.

He was finally feeling like he always should have. He had someone to love, he had his job, he was alive and free. What was better than that?

Now he just had to protect all those things, protect Loki and Pepper and Rhodey, protect his bots and home from someone he had considered family. He felt like it was wrong, and it probably was, but for once it wasn’t his fault. Well, not completely his. He had been blind to what was going on in his company, his father’s company. He knew Howard would probably have killed him for letting this take place for so long. But he knew how to make it better, how to stop Obie.

He just hoped it wouldn’t come down to a fight.

Obie was many things – a traitor, a liar, a bastard and greedy son of a bitch, but Tony didn’t want to fight him. Not physically, at least. He would take him to court after Pepper came back with all the evidence, and he would win. He would stop Obie and get his company back to push it in the right direction.

Tony had a plan, and it was a simple plan, but sometimes the simplest options were the best. He was too tired of doing it any other way. He wanted to get it over with, to have everything go back to normal, even if it meant to have no father figure after that. He could live with that.

It took four days of his and JARVIS’s work before the suit was complete, with red and gold paint included.

“Well, we did great!” Tony called as he clapped his hands a few times, grinning happily.

Then his eyes moved to the screen where he had been watching the news just a few minutes earlier. Now they were showing a report from some war-scarred country. He was about to look away when the reporter turned up, people walking somewhere in her background. It was obvious they were running away from the war, the bags and backpacks filled with everything they had left.

“The fifteen-mile hike to the outskirts of Gulmira can only be described as a descent into hell, into a modern day Heart of Darkness.”

Tony stopped with the gauntlet on his hand and listened, rage rising inside him.

“Simple farmers and herders from peaceful villages have been driven from their homes, displaced from their lands by warlords emboldened by a new-found power,” she said before being interrupted by some shorts videos from the fights.

People were hiding wherever they could; gunshots seemed to come from every possible direction. The ones closest to the recording cameras – or maybe phones, it was still hard to tell – looked terrified. Tony knew the feeling; he had lived through it not so long ago and right now he would like to do everything within his power to help these people.

Then the videos stopped and the reporter showed up on the screen once more, some ruined building in her background.

“Villagers have been forced to take shelter in whatever crude dwellings they can find in the ruins of other villages, or here in the remnants of an old Soviet smelting plant. Recent violence has been attributed to a group of foreign fighters referred to by locals as The Ten Rings.”

To Tony’s horror, the same bold man – Raza – who held him captive and threatened Yinsen showed up on the screen, the fat guy who seemed to be his right hand standing at his side. They were accompanied by a couple more men and all three were listening to the leader, who obviously was telling them what to do.

But worst of all was the footage of the terrorists with more of Tony’s weapons and inventions. It was awful, watching them still have what wasn’t supposed to be theirs. Then the Jericho missiles showed up, Raza standing not far from it over some maps and plans.

Blood boiled inside Tony. It was too much.

They had held him captive for three months, and when he had escaped, they still found a way of getting their dirty, blood-stained hands on the weapons that were supposed to be long gone from the market. Tony gritted his teeth and his hands fisted, the gauntlet cracking loudly in the room.

He swallowed, eyes opened wide as he moved them from the TV screen and to the glass door of his workshop. He took in a shaky breath and aimed at one of the glass walls with the gauntlet, pulling at the right wire. The repulsor blasted, shattering the glass into little pieces. Tony did it again and again, leaving nothing of the glass wall standing apart from the door.

He walked to the middle of the workshop then.

“JARVIS, start the bots.”

“ _Sir, I do not think—_ “

“Don’t think. Do it,” Tony snapped, stepping into the right place.

The robotic arms shot out of the floor a moment later and  he was soon fully suited. Statistics appeared after the faceplate was closed. Tony paid little attention to them, knowing JARVIS would warn him if anything else  happened. Instead he just focused on flying, the estimated time of getting to his destination already displayed right in front of his eyes.

It didn’t take long, much to Tony’s liking. Behind all the rage he felt proud of his invention – he had really done great on this one.

He searched through a few tones around Gulmira before he found the one he was looking for. Or rather, the person he was looking for. And it wasn’t Raza, oh no. He didn’t want to kill the leader, he wasn’t that mad. He knew what kind of message it would send, and it wouldn’t solve the problem with The Ten Rings. He knew from his time in imprisonment the organization was much larger that he initially thought. He just hopped the US government was aware of that as well.

The fat right hand of Raza was out with a team, plundering and kicking people from their houses. Some men were already on their knees, hands behind their heads. It enraged Tony even more. Then he saw a man; he was creaming while the ‘soldiers’ were pulling his family away from him. A little boy still managed to get to him and although the man was telling him to go he was still hugging his son, not wanting to let go of the boy.

It was like a sign for Tony. When the men with guns pulled the boy and his father apart and pushed the man to his knees, Tony dove down, catching one of the ‘soldiers’ and throwing him at the nearest building, careful just to knock him out for a while.

The others started screaming and pointing guns at him, but no one dared to start shooting. The fat leader was staring at Tony confused and when Tony landed in the middle of the little crowd, the fat bastard ran off.

Tony paid no attention to him for now, and instead focused on helping the innocents.

The terrorists were holding women and kids with guns to their heads, hoping this would scare Tony off and make him fly off. And as it was easy to foresee, as soon as Tony raised his hands towards them and repulsors shone, they all started screaming, probably telling Tony to stop or the hostages would die.

Tony sighed and before he had his hands on his sides again all of the threatening men were down, leaving the women and kids untouched. The rest of the team was long gone, probably running as fast as they could and as far away from the village as possible.

Tony just turned around, and used some of the filters on his vision to find Raza’s general. He didn’t have to look for long, and just broke through the nearest wall, pulling the fat guy out of the building and throwing him at the feet of the villagers.

“He’s all yours,” Tony said and shot up slowly, the people already covering their aggressor, and soon enough his screams filled the air.

Tony paid little attention to them, his mind already set on finding the Jericho missiles. He found one not far from the village he had just left. He got close enough to take a clear shot at it, and the explosion that erupted right after almost warmed his heart. He was sure to find another one, but his scans didn’t show anything that looked like Jericho, so he just decided to call it a day.

He turned around, and was planning his way home when a missile hit him. Tony fell down, swirling around and hitting the ground hard. He let out a gasp of pain, and it took him a moment before he gathered himself. Everything was hurting him as crawled out of the crater he had created. He slowly straightened up and turned around to see a tank aiming at him. Another missile was shot his way, but he easily avoided it by stepping to the side.

Tony frowned and aimed with his arm at the tank, shooting out a small missile of his own their way. He turned around before it reached the target, and even through his suit he could feel the small blast from the explosion that sounded a second later.

He really didn’t know what to feel. He had killed people, and this time not just through his weapons; he was using them on his own now. But, he had saved some innocent lives as well. He just wished it wouldn’t come to killing ever again.

Tony walked a bit through the desolate village before shooting up back in the air at its outskirts. He was feeling tired and dreaming about a big tub filled with hot water and lots of bubbles. And Loki. Yes, a relaxing bath with Loki was all he could dream about now.

Sadly, his flight home wasn’t peaceful as two fighter jets came up behind him.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he heard a voice coming through his speakers.

He really hadn’t forgotten about the US Air Force monitoring the skies, he had simply been sure they wouldn’t notice him at all. It looked like he just took the wrong time for a flight. It was good he knew who to call, though. But before he could pick the number, Rhodey’s picture appeared in the HUD, and the sound of phone’s ringing replaced the voice of a soldier from one of the planes behind him.

“Hello?” Tony answered.

“Tony?”

“Who is this?” Tony asked, taking  a sharp turn into the only clouds in the sky.

“It’s Rhodes.”

“Sorry, hello?” Tony asked and winced when the maneuver to shake off the planes didn’t really work.

“I said, it’s Rhodes,” Rhodey repeated, distressed.

“Speak up, please,” Tony said, swearing at the sounds filling the HUD. He was flying so fast the wind was blowing and howling, not to mention the engines that were working to keep him up in the air.

“What in the hell is that noise?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m driving with the top down,” Tony replied casually, hoping the lie would work for now.

He didn’t even know why he was lying when just seconds before he was intending to call Rhodey himself.

“Yeah, well, I need your help right now,” Rhodey said, and Tony could swear he heard a tired sigh.

“It's funny how that works, huh?”

“Yeah. Speaking of funny, we've got a weapons depot that was just blown up a few clicks from where you were being held captive,” his friend said. Tony winced a bit. He should have foreseen that they would learn about it pretty quickly, especially since they knew the depot was filled with Tony’s weapons.

And that thought made Tony think in a slightly different direction. What if they knew The Ten Rings were using Tony’s weapons? And they had to know since they were fighting with them on a daily basis. Why they didn’t do anything about this, then? Why didn’t Rhodey tell him?

Tony got pissed again.

“Well, that's a hot spot. Sounds like someone stepped in and did your job for you, huh?” Tony said, trying not to sound hurt and bitter. He felt betrayed.

“Why do you sound out of breath, Tony?”

“I'm not, I was just jogging in the canyon.”

“I thought you were driving,” Rhodey pointed out to him. At that point, Tony was sure Rhodey saw right through his bullshit and knew something was not right. He just wasn’t probably sure what exactly it was.

“Right, I was driving to the canyon, where I'm going to jog,” Tony bullshitted one more time, knowing it was lame even before he finished the sentence.

He could almost hear Rhodey getting frustrated with him on the other end. “You sure you don't have any tech in that area I should know about?” his friend asked, sounding almost worried.

“Nope!” Tony said and took another strong turn, all the stress and speed leaving him almost out of breath.

“Bogey spotted!” sounded somewhere next to Rhodey, and Tony swore in his mind. “Whiplash, come in hot.”

Tony looked over his shoulder at the F-22 planes following him just in time to see one of them picking up the speed. He knew what was going to come next.

“Okay, good, 'cause I'm staring at one right now, and it's about to be blown to kingdom come,” Rhodey commented, his voice full of suspicion. He could probably see Tony in his suit somewhere on their big screen, but Tony couldn’t care less about it now. Not when he was about to be blown out the sky by his own missiles. Again.

“That's my exit,” he said and hung up the call. “Hit it!”

JARVIS knew what the command was for, and the suit picked up speed so he was almost a blur against the bright blue sky. Tony left the planes far behind himself, hiding in the clouds, but the power levels of the reactor showed he needed to slow down in a few seconds or he wasn’t going to make it back to Malibu. He needed recharging already, a new core. And he needed to get back to his home fast, but with Air Force planes on his tail (well, feet was more like it) he couldn’t do it just yet. He couldn’t lead them to his own house, because he didn’t want people to know; he didn’t want the US government to know what he had created. He didn’t want to deal with them and their demands, not ever.

Then his HUD went red again.

“ _Inbound missile_ ,” JARVIS said as if it was a time for a morning tea.

Tony waited for the missile to come in closer, close enough for him to do something more than just run from it. And he wasn’t going to run for long.

“Flares!” he shouted as soon as he could feel the missile close enough.

JARVIS opened the flaps and flares shot from the suit. A moment later, the explosion came and Tony was blown forward, his whole body hurting from the impact. He gasped, taking in deep breaths. The blow caused some trouble with the repulsors. He started spinning, falling out of the sky quickly. It was just like the first time he went flying in the suit. He fought for balance and when he more or less got in the right position, he switched all of the power to the repulsors.

He shot up head-first almost immediately, smiling to himself. It soon faded, though, because now he was being shot at. He knew he couldn’t escape them, and sooner or later, they would hit him.

The thought was quick and too obvious, really. At least for Tony.

“Deploy flaps!” he commanded and the sudden loss of speed made him gasp breathlessly. The planes flew past him immediately, and he quickly clung to the belly of one, shaking violently against the metal.

There wasn’t much he could do now, and no matter how bitter he was with Rhodey or the fact the government didn’t do a thing about the Ten Rings having Tony’s weapons, he had to ask someone for help. He wouldn’t get out of this by himself.

“Fuck,” Tony gasped, and he closed his eyes for a moment, hands tightening on the metal. “JARVIS, put Rhodes through.”

JARVIS complied without a word and soon Rhodey’s picture popped up on the side of Tony’s HUD. As the signal rang in his ears, he wondered what he would say to his best friend now.

Finally, James picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, Rhodey, it’s me,” Tony breathed out.

“It’s who?” his friend replied, and Tony couldn’t help but roll his eyes, though he quickly closed them again when the plane shook a bit harder.

“Oh, I'm sorry, it is me. You asked. What you were asking about is me,” he said quickly, trying to keep his voice steady despite all the shaking and the strain on his muscles.

“No, see, this isn't a game,” Rhodey replied angrily. “You do not send civilian equipment into my active war zone. You understand that?” he asked, keeping his voice down.

He still sounded angry. And maybe a bit worried, but anger was far more obvious so Tony was focusing on that. He could handle that, he had before.

“This is not a piece of equipment. I'm in it,” he replied, and his eyes tightened as the planes picked up the speed. “It's a suit. It's me!” He was gasping, almost pleading at the end.

Barely hanging on now, Tony was sure he was going to fall off any moment now. He just hoped that if he did, they wouldn’t spot him, and he would be able to go home unnoticed. But then, when was he ever that lucky lately? Especially today?

The pane he was clinging to started turning and Tony’s hiding place was exposed now. He could feel the engines roar and how the plane leaned to the side, showing off its belly to the other F-22.

“On your belly!” sounded from Rhodey’s side, and Tony was sure he was screwed now. “It looks like a man! Shake him off! Roll! Roll!”

Almost like it was a command, the plane he was clinging to started rotating around its axis. Tony’s head was spinning and he felt nauseous.  The plane was shaking already, and all the rotating just made him want to throw up, and then he would undoubtedly drown in his own vomit.

He couldn’t handle it anymore, and he just let go, screaming as he flew backwards instead of falling down. The hit to his back came just second later and he gasped, breath being knocked out of him yet again. He saw parts of the wing flying in front of him, and that was what made him regain control over the suit again.

He couldn’t hear what the pilots were saying to each other through the comms, but one ejected from the falling plane. Tony watched as he flew up a few feet and then started falling down, slowly at first and then faster and faster. The pilot was picking up speed the closer he got to the ground. And his chute wasn’t opening.

They all – Tony, the other pilots and people in the central – knew what that meant. The chute had to open before a certain height or the pilot would die. Tony waited, hoping the dude could handle it. But he didn’t. He heard the strangled voice of his partner – the call with Rhodey was still on – and it wasn’t even a matter of a second before he started diving in the air.

“ _You've been reengaged. Execute evasive maneuvers_ ,” JARVIS informed him just moments later.

“Keep going!” Tony ordered, and his teeth clenched, eyes narrowed as he kept getting closer to the pilot.

The dude looked scared shitless. Even with the helmet and goggles on, Tony could see how the guy was probably praying for the handle on the side of his chair to work. It was stuck; how that happened, Tony couldn’t possibly know. But he was damn sure it wasn’t his tech.

Tony grabbed at the backrest of the chair and swallowed before hitting the place where the handle was sticking out. The pilot whined and gasped, hitting Tony a couple of times, fighting him off like he was sure Tony was there to finish the job.

But then the chute opened and pilot shot up in the air far above Tony. He could hear the applause and relieved voices from central. He didn’t waste any time either, and started flying towards the mountains where he could hide from remaining plane. His breathing was heavy; he was tired from today’s events, and he wanted nothing more than that long bath and then his comfortable bed.

He was in the mountains, the plane long gone behind him when he heard Rhodey’s voice again.

“Tony, you still there?”

“Hey, thanks,” Tony breathed out heavily.

“Oh my God, you crazy son of a bitch,” Rhodey said with relief. “You owe me a plane. You know that, right?”

Tony couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, well, technically, he hit me,” he replied with a grin. Then a thought hit him. He hadn’t seen Rhodey for so long; Pepper had probably kept him posted about Tony’s state, but… Tony was starting to miss his friend. “Now are you gonna come by and see what I'm working on?”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, the less I know, the better,” Rhodes replied, and Tony almost pouted, feeling sad. He was like a child that wanted to show off with his new toy. “Now, what am I supposed to tell the press?”

“Uh, training exercise. Isn't that the usual BS?”

“It’s not that simple.”

* * *

The next day Tony watched Rhodey give a speech regarding the lost F-22. He was grinning as the Colonel explained what had happened, obviously going for the usual explanation – an accident during a training exercise. He was sure his friend had had to talk with a lot of important people to get away with this, but Rhodey was pretty much used to it by now.

Tony was in his workshop again, working over the updates and improvements for the suit. He was in the middle of putting together the new glove when he heard footsteps over the loud music. A moment later Pepper walked in, looking furious.

“What were you thinking?!”

Tony looked at her. She was in her ‘normal’ clothing, just jeans, a black top, and sneakers. He thought that he was seeing her like this for the first time, but that wasn’t true. He saw her dressed like that plenty of times before she started working for him.

“Are you crazy?!” she continued. “You could have died! How could you fly there after all that has happened?!”

Tony took in a deep breath and smiled.

“Hey, it’s cool. I’m all good now, see?” he said as he spread his arms to the sides, accidentally showing off his bruises.

She gasped and walked forward quickly. She was stopped only by the desk Tony was sitting behind, otherwise she would be inspecting all the bruises and scratches.

“How- Jesus, Tony,” she winced and looked at him, brows narrowed and eyes full of worry.

“I’m fine,” he sighed heavily. “I knew what I was doing and what the risks were.” Well, maybe he lied about the risks, but he had made it out, hadn’t he? “Nothing happened. It’s just a few bruises.”

She shook her head.

“I—I can’t do this,” she said and took in a shaky breath. “I just can’t. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You’re getting yourself killed, Tony!”

“Don’t be overdrama—“

“I am not being overdramatic!” she cut him off. “Tony, you are the only one I have left on this world and you keep doing things that will undoubtedly kill you eventually. I can’t—I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

Tony frowned. “What are you saying?”

Pepper swallowed and closed her eyes, opening them after a long moment. “I am resigning.” Tony blinked, his heart clenching while she continued. “You know that I would help you with anything, but I cannot help you if you're going to start all of this again.”

“You—just like that?”

Pepper winced, taking a long moment before deciding to completely ignore the question and ask her own instead.

“What do you plan to do with this information if I bring it back to you?” she threw the device Tony gave her a couple days back onto the desk.

He watched it for a moment and then looked back at Pepper, jaw clenched.

“Same drill,” he stated and stood up, walking to the chest piece of his armor. “They've been dealing under the table, and I'm going to stop them. I'm going to find my weapons and destroy them.”

She huffed and shook her head again. “Unbelievable.”

Tony then couldn’t take it anymore, furious with her behavior. He looked her dead in the eyes and said, “You stood by my side all these years while I reaped the benefits of destruction. And now that I'm trying to protect the people that I put in harm's way, you're going to walk out?” he asked and huffed himself. “You’re unbelievable, Pepper.”

“Those are bullet holes!” she cried out, losing her temper as well, and pointed at the chest piece lying on the desk by Tony’s side, then at the back piece not so far away. “You’re going to kill yourself, Tony! And I’m not going to be a part of that!”

“I shouldn't be alive!” he shouted back at her and walked forward, stopped by the desk just as she was earlier. She still took a step back, her eyes fixed on Tony in fright. “Unless it was for a reason! I am not crazy, Pepper,” he stressed out slowly. “I just finally know what I have to do. And I know in my heart that it's  right,” he finished, frowning. “All of the lives I took away. All of the innocent people that died because I was making money from my weapons, inventions… I _need_ to make it up to them.”

There was a silence after that; a long and heavy one. They just looked at each other as though they were reading the other’s mind. Pepper was the first to break. She sighed shakily and looked down, her gaze falling to the device she threw on the desk not so long ago.

She swallowed and, a bit hesitantly, took it. She was careful, but not because she didn’t want it to break – she still wondered if she really wanted to do it. “So,” she finally said and hid the drive in her jeans pocket. “What do you want me to do with it?”

Tony would have smiled if the situation was different, but he really couldn’t now. He just straightened up and walked back to the chest piece, glaring inside the hole in the middle of it – right where the reactor was glowing.

“You're going to hack into the mainframe and you're going to retrieve all the recent shipping manifests,” he said slowly as he leaned over the piece of armor, hands gripping at the edge of the desk. “This is a lock chip. This'll get you in,” he explained. “It's probably under Executive Files. If not, they put it on a ghost drive, in which case you need to look for the lowest numeric heading.”

She nodded in response and stood there for a long moment before speaking again.

“I called Loki as soon as Rhodey told me what happened. He said he’ll be here immediately after his last session is over,” she murmured and then turned around.

Tony watched her walk up the stairs, and he took a deep breath, sitting down in his chair. His eyes fluttered shut as he leaned back, hands rubbing his face and probably staining it with grease.

He knew that he was doing the right thing. He couldn’t retrieve the weapons already sold under the radar. He had really tried to find any other options, but there just weren’t any. Destroying them was the only way. Pepper would understand eventually.

His friends were all so scared about him they refused to see his real, honest _need_ to make things right. And sure, maybe it would get him killed eventually, he was aware of that, especially after yesterday. But he would be damned if he didn’t die at least trying to repent for his sins, even just a small part of them. He was bathed in the blood of the innocent people, and he would never get rid of that, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t do anything good.

Another heavy sigh escaped his lips, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Loki rushing down the steps.

The man stopped by the crushed glass and stared at it for a moment before his green eyes landed on Tony. His face spoke more than Pepper’s did, and Tony knew the desk wasn’t enough to stop him.

He walked to stand in front of it, and when Loki rushed towards him, he was sure it was only to slap him or hit him or shake him.

But Loki only wrapped his long arms around Tony in a tight, rib-crushing hug. He buried his face in Tony’s neck and stayed quiet for a long while. Tony was too stunned to do anything else but stand still.

“Aren’t you mad?” Tony asked after the silence became too much for him.

Loki shook his head and then pulled away enough to look at him.

“How could I be,” he said and moved his thumb over Tony’s cheek bone, rubbing some of the grease away. “You did what you planned to do. And succeeded. More or less,” he chuckled weakly. “I would have been better about it and wouldn’t have let them catch me, though.”

Tony blinked, staring at Loki.

It was... crazy. Everyone else had screamed at Tony when they found out. Everyone being Rhodey and Pepper, since they were the only other ones who knew). They and Loki were the sane ones, they were supposed to keep Tony grounded and out of harm’s way. And here, Tony was faced with Loki he had never seen before. He was both extremely excited and greatly terrified of this new side.

But he still loved it.

“You okay?” Loki asked worriedly when Tony didn’t speak.

Tony just nodded and swallowed, his throat a bit tightened. “So… you’re not mad.”

“No,” Loki said slowly, cautiously. “I am worried about you, but also proud. You’re doing it, Tony,” he said softly. “You’re doing your right thing.”

“Don’t you think it’s too dangerous?” Tony asked him curiously.

“It is dangerous, yes,” Loki admitted. “But what isn’t. What matters to me is that you’re going forward. This will help you with your further recovery, and with your conscience. You’ll be so much better after you’re done,” he smiled and kissed Tony’s nose.

Tony frowned and looked at Loki a bit confused. “I thought… You’re a doctor. Shouldn’t you be telling me to find another way? A less life threatening way?”

Loki chuckled again, and his arms moved to wrap around Tony’s waist, hands resting on the small of his back.

“From my experience, keeping someone as genius and determined as you from their plan doesn’t work well,” he explained. “Besides. I believe in you. With the right help and support, you’ll be successful and healthy and most importantly, happy,” Loki smiled softly.

Tony smiled back and tiptoed a bit to kiss Loki. “I love you,” he whispered happily against the other man’s lips.

Loki just smiled wider and kissed him back, asking about all the details of yesterday’s events once they sat down and Dum-E brought them some grease coffee.


End file.
